Barry special Christmas

[Sasha] "Daddy, what's the real meaning of Christmas?"

[Obama] "Gee, that's a very important question.  Let me be clear, we must not act unilaterally on this issue."

[Sasha] "Daddy, cut the press conference crap and tell me what Christmas is really about."

[Obama] "Alright.  Christmas is a special occasion that celebrates the fact that I've been pResident for almost one whole year.  The people are so happy about it, that they go out and buy lots of gifts for each other.  It is their way of boosting the economy and helping my sagging approval numbers."

[Sasha] "That's so cool, daddy!  But what about the tree?"

[Obama] "OK, that's kind of a long story.  But I guess we have time, since Congress is saying it may take 'til February to hash out our urgent need for healthcare reform that doesn't kick in until 2014 or so.

Anyway, the tree symbolizes your great-grandpa's heroic struggle against colonialism.  You see, Kenya used to be a great forest.  Then those mean British people came in and cut down all the trees.  Right after that, global warming came in and turned the whole place into a desert.  It was really sad the way the lions were stuck on little patches of grass as everything turned dry all around them.  Like what the polar bears are facing with the ice."

[Sasha] "Wow, daddy, that's awful."

[Obama] "Well, when there was only one tree left in the entire country, your great-grandpa decided he had to act.  He went up to that one last tree and lit it on fire."

[Sasha] "I don't understand.  Shouldn't he have tried to save that tree?"

[Obama] "Well, you'd think so.  But your great-grandpa was a radical mooselimb.  Wanton destruction is how we, um,  excuse me, they express themselves."

[Sasha] "Oh."

[Obama] "See, we can't burn the Christmas tree like great-grandpa did, 'cuz it would set off the smoke alarm.  And Biden would probably end up in the emergency room.  So instead, we just put little lights on it so it kind of looks like it is partway on fire."

[Sasha] "I guess that makes sense.  What about Santa?"

[Obama] "See those two guys over there wearing the black suits?  They are from the Secret Service and they have guns.  If Santa tries to come down our chimney, they have been instructed to shoot Santa in the face."

[Sasha] "But..."

[Obama] "No.  Santa is a fat white capitalist hater who abuses reindeer.  If he lived in Mississippi he'd be wearing a beer-stained wife-beater and trying to convince the cops that his wife got her black eye from falling off the back steps of the trailer.  But since he lives so far north there isn't much news coverage of how rotten he is."

[Sasha] "But giving gifts to good little kids doesn't seem like capitalism.  I think it is more of a generosity thing."

[Obama] "OK, we'll go through this one more time...  Every good thing comes from the government.  Santa is trying to weasel in on my territory.  Plus, he sometimes gives gifts to those teabaggers' kids.  He is NOT ON OUR SIDE!"

[Sasha] "OK, daddy, one more question.  Where does Jesus fit in?"

[Obama] "Jesus who?"