Monday, March 9, 2009
Dow nearing "bottom," Obama encouraged
Pundits, economists and even a few normal people have been wondering when the market will hit bottom and stop going down. Warren Buffet said today that we were very close. This is good news. Just a week or so ago he said the economy was "in shambles." Nobody really knows what a shambles is. The market is seeking clarity, and vague words like "shambles" just contribute to the increasing uncertainty. Thankfully, today Buffet said the "economy has gone over a cliff." Nothing vague about that, hallelujah! Better still - we all know that when one has gone over a cliff, one is mere moments away from finally reaching the bottom! Yay for Obama!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A barry idolatrous selection
[American Idol theme music, audience cheering. President Obama struts onto stage. Crowd erupts in raucous applause and cheering]
[Obama] "Good evening, folks! I've been having a ton of trouble filling the vacant positions in my cabinet. My administration has nationalized the set and crew of this famous show to help me out."
[More cheers]
[Obama] "We don't want to mess up the chemistry that has made this show such a success, so we're going to continue with the three judge panel that you're used to. I'll be that Jackson guy. Hillary will be Paula, and since I flat #$%^& hate Brits I've put Treasury Secretary Geithner in Simon's seat. Tonight we are auditioning applicants for the many deputy positions yet to be filled under Sec'y Geithner. The economy is in such wretched shape that nobody with a decent reputation wants to come anywhere near that bumbling Geithner" [Tim smiles and waves to camera] "But there are a lot of unemployed people out there who haven't yet felt the benefit of my stimulus package. We want to put one of them to work fixing our economy! Tonight! So let's get this show started!"
[Obama and panel take their seats, cheering gradually subsides]
[Hillary reaches into her cavernous purse and pulls out a bottle of schnapps and a fistful of pills]
[Obama] "Er, um, Hill, um, whatcha doing?"
[Hillary] "Just getting into character. [Swallows pills and follows them with a big chaser straight out of the bottle] "I took some drama classes in college," [burp] "and I was taught that the best performers become totally immersed in their characters." [Pours remaining contents of bottle over herself]
[Dick Morris, from front row of audience] "Yeah, and your life has been nothing but drama ever since, you old nag! Not that I'm complaining, though. Without the antics of you and your faithful First Hubby, I'd never have gotten all those TV gigs - I'd still be doing on-site appliance repairs and driving a Pinto. Oh, and hey, nice job mangling all those names at the EU gathering the other day. Did they teach you that in college, too?"
[Hillary lunges towards Dick, is held back by Obama and Geithner]
[Obama] "Hill, remember, you're our nation's Top Diplomat. You can't be doing things like this on nationalized national TV! Most of the world is watching us right now. Save your venom for the downtrodden, defenseless contestants!"
[Obama] "First up, we have Henrietta"
[Henrietta, singing horribly] "First of alll-lll-lll, I'd buy us all a hou-ou-ouse, then..."
[Obama] "STOP! You're applying for a deputy cabinet post, not a record deal."
[Henrietta] "Sorry. First of all, I'd buy me a house. A big, fancy house. Then I'd buy houses for everybody. All the housing problems would go away, just like that. All the bad mortgages that people lied about so they could get more house than they could afford, and all them underwater house-flippers, it'd all be paid for and off the books forever, so the fatcat bankers that gave you the fat donations for your fat campaign could still afford to fly to Global Warming summits in their private jets. Then all the money that people would've been spending on all those evil, confusing, predatory loans - they could start spending it on really important stuff like hybrid rototillers and personal windmills and solar HDTVs - stuff that would really boost the green economy."
[Obama] "Pure Genius. We'll use the stimulus money to build all these houses, I'll get to put my new logo on all of them, too! Henrietta, I think you should make it to the next round."
[Henrietta, beaming] "Sweet Ayeesha on a Postage Stamp!" [Little jumps of joy]
[Hillary, growing intoxicated] "Henry, that wath wunderfull. If I could take all the luv and care that ish in yer hart, and bottle it up, I'd pour it all over myshelf. And I'd alsho pour it like shweet, shugary shyrup on the Kitten Pureé I had for brunsch."
[Geithner, apprehensively scooting his chair away from Hillary] "The US Treasury will act aggressively to ward off this economic crisis, and use every available means to promote soundness in our financial system."
[Obama] "Um, Tim? We need some specifics and some clearer signals from you. Is that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down?"
[Geithner] "Her ideas are better than anything I've come up with so far. So, yeah, thumbs-up."
[Obama] "Next up is Howard the Hippie"
[Howard the Hippie] "Dudes, thanks for this opportunity. One time when I was like, dropping acid, I got this, like idea on how to make my VW hippievan get like 200 mpg. It's all based on hemp and magnets, man. So I built my idea, using just hemp and some magnets, and like put it in my hippievan. It didn't do much until I, like, remembered that it needs a 9V battery, too. I remembered that the next time I was doing acid. When I hooked up that little battery, like, dude, my van now gets like 200 mpg. I was saying to all my friends that I think I just solved the energy crisis or something, but they kept telling me not to sell out. Normally I don't give half a crap about what happens to our fascist warmongering country, but my idea could make for cleaner transportation -and- the legalization of hemp. So I told them they better just, like, shut up or something.
[Obama] "Those are interesting ideas, and they would help our economy. But I think you'd be better suited to the Department of Transportation or even the Department of Agriculture. Why weren't you at our open casting for those positions?"
[Howard] "Sorry, man. I just got this totally overwhelming urge to like, do some needlepoint that day."
[Hillary] "Undershtood. We've all been there."
[Geithner] "I will work closely with the Federal Reserve and our counterparts in the EU to minimize global credit shortages and hasten a return to sustainable growth while keeping inflation in check."
[Howard, speaking to Obama while pointing at Geithner] "Dude, I don't think I want to work for that guy. I think I'd like, rather sell my invention on the internet and grow hemp. And maybe go mining for magnets. Peace, 4:20 I gotta go!"
[Obama] "Last guest tonight is Martin the Meth Addict."
[Martin, startled by the applause, tensing up] "The other day I couldn't sleep, for the fourth night in a row, so I was looking at the little tiny numbers on the financial page of the newspaper. I think the problem is Market Capitalization. Look at it: NYSE, AMEX, NASDAQ, DJIA. It's all capitals. There's still way too much capital in the market."
[Obama, chiming in] "Sorry to interrupt, but I really have to agree with you so far. We need to get more capital out of the market and into government."
[Martin, pupils now huge. Furtive, paranoid glances around the room] "Yeah. And the pride/earnings ratios are way off. They used to be like 40:1 and now they're way lower. So are the price/earrings radios. I used to get $10 for two stolen earrings or a stolen radio at the pawnshop, and now that guy won't even give me $5. But I think the worst part is the profit/errorings rations."
[Obama] "Yes! I tried to say so the other day! But Limbaugh and the rest of the Reich Wing commentators just made fun of me. I glad to see that my message was getting through!"
[Hillary, head atilt, snoring aloud]
[Obama] "Makeup! Come over here and clean the slobber off Hillary's chin!"
[Geithner] "This man really speaks the language of Wall Street. To most Americans, this terminology is worse than Classical Greek, meaning this fellow just may be the man for the job. TARP funds will be used to purchase illiquid assets from mortgage vendors and thaw out the frozen credit sector."
[Theme music] [Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to go to change.gov and vote online for our next Deputy Secretary of the Treasury!"
[Obama] "Good evening, folks! I've been having a ton of trouble filling the vacant positions in my cabinet. My administration has nationalized the set and crew of this famous show to help me out."
[More cheers]
[Obama] "We don't want to mess up the chemistry that has made this show such a success, so we're going to continue with the three judge panel that you're used to. I'll be that Jackson guy. Hillary will be Paula, and since I flat #$%^& hate Brits I've put Treasury Secretary Geithner in Simon's seat. Tonight we are auditioning applicants for the many deputy positions yet to be filled under Sec'y Geithner. The economy is in such wretched shape that nobody with a decent reputation wants to come anywhere near that bumbling Geithner" [Tim smiles and waves to camera] "But there are a lot of unemployed people out there who haven't yet felt the benefit of my stimulus package. We want to put one of them to work fixing our economy! Tonight! So let's get this show started!"
[Obama and panel take their seats, cheering gradually subsides]
[Hillary reaches into her cavernous purse and pulls out a bottle of schnapps and a fistful of pills]
[Obama] "Er, um, Hill, um, whatcha doing?"
[Hillary] "Just getting into character. [Swallows pills and follows them with a big chaser straight out of the bottle] "I took some drama classes in college," [burp] "and I was taught that the best performers become totally immersed in their characters." [Pours remaining contents of bottle over herself]
[Dick Morris, from front row of audience] "Yeah, and your life has been nothing but drama ever since, you old nag! Not that I'm complaining, though. Without the antics of you and your faithful First Hubby, I'd never have gotten all those TV gigs - I'd still be doing on-site appliance repairs and driving a Pinto. Oh, and hey, nice job mangling all those names at the EU gathering the other day. Did they teach you that in college, too?"
[Hillary lunges towards Dick, is held back by Obama and Geithner]
[Obama] "Hill, remember, you're our nation's Top Diplomat. You can't be doing things like this on nationalized national TV! Most of the world is watching us right now. Save your venom for the downtrodden, defenseless contestants!"
[Obama] "First up, we have Henrietta"
[Henrietta, singing horribly] "First of alll-lll-lll, I'd buy us all a hou-ou-ouse, then..."
[Obama] "STOP! You're applying for a deputy cabinet post, not a record deal."
[Henrietta] "Sorry. First of all, I'd buy me a house. A big, fancy house. Then I'd buy houses for everybody. All the housing problems would go away, just like that. All the bad mortgages that people lied about so they could get more house than they could afford, and all them underwater house-flippers, it'd all be paid for and off the books forever, so the fatcat bankers that gave you the fat donations for your fat campaign could still afford to fly to Global Warming summits in their private jets. Then all the money that people would've been spending on all those evil, confusing, predatory loans - they could start spending it on really important stuff like hybrid rototillers and personal windmills and solar HDTVs - stuff that would really boost the green economy."
[Obama] "Pure Genius. We'll use the stimulus money to build all these houses, I'll get to put my new logo on all of them, too! Henrietta, I think you should make it to the next round."
[Henrietta, beaming] "Sweet Ayeesha on a Postage Stamp!" [Little jumps of joy]
[Hillary, growing intoxicated] "Henry, that wath wunderfull. If I could take all the luv and care that ish in yer hart, and bottle it up, I'd pour it all over myshelf. And I'd alsho pour it like shweet, shugary shyrup on the Kitten Pureé I had for brunsch."
[Geithner, apprehensively scooting his chair away from Hillary] "The US Treasury will act aggressively to ward off this economic crisis, and use every available means to promote soundness in our financial system."
[Obama] "Um, Tim? We need some specifics and some clearer signals from you. Is that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down?"
[Geithner] "Her ideas are better than anything I've come up with so far. So, yeah, thumbs-up."
[Obama] "Next up is Howard the Hippie"
[Howard the Hippie] "Dudes, thanks for this opportunity. One time when I was like, dropping acid, I got this, like idea on how to make my VW hippievan get like 200 mpg. It's all based on hemp and magnets, man. So I built my idea, using just hemp and some magnets, and like put it in my hippievan. It didn't do much until I, like, remembered that it needs a 9V battery, too. I remembered that the next time I was doing acid. When I hooked up that little battery, like, dude, my van now gets like 200 mpg. I was saying to all my friends that I think I just solved the energy crisis or something, but they kept telling me not to sell out. Normally I don't give half a crap about what happens to our fascist warmongering country, but my idea could make for cleaner transportation -and- the legalization of hemp. So I told them they better just, like, shut up or something.
[Obama] "Those are interesting ideas, and they would help our economy. But I think you'd be better suited to the Department of Transportation or even the Department of Agriculture. Why weren't you at our open casting for those positions?"
[Howard] "Sorry, man. I just got this totally overwhelming urge to like, do some needlepoint that day."
[Hillary] "Undershtood. We've all been there."
[Geithner] "I will work closely with the Federal Reserve and our counterparts in the EU to minimize global credit shortages and hasten a return to sustainable growth while keeping inflation in check."
[Howard, speaking to Obama while pointing at Geithner] "Dude, I don't think I want to work for that guy. I think I'd like, rather sell my invention on the internet and grow hemp. And maybe go mining for magnets. Peace, 4:20 I gotta go!"
[Obama] "Last guest tonight is Martin the Meth Addict."
[Martin, startled by the applause, tensing up] "The other day I couldn't sleep, for the fourth night in a row, so I was looking at the little tiny numbers on the financial page of the newspaper. I think the problem is Market Capitalization. Look at it: NYSE, AMEX, NASDAQ, DJIA. It's all capitals. There's still way too much capital in the market."
[Obama, chiming in] "Sorry to interrupt, but I really have to agree with you so far. We need to get more capital out of the market and into government."
[Martin, pupils now huge. Furtive, paranoid glances around the room] "Yeah. And the pride/earnings ratios are way off. They used to be like 40:1 and now they're way lower. So are the price/earrings radios. I used to get $10 for two stolen earrings or a stolen radio at the pawnshop, and now that guy won't even give me $5. But I think the worst part is the profit/errorings rations."
[Obama] "Yes! I tried to say so the other day! But Limbaugh and the rest of the Reich Wing commentators just made fun of me. I glad to see that my message was getting through!"
[Hillary, head atilt, snoring aloud]
[Obama] "Makeup! Come over here and clean the slobber off Hillary's chin!"
[Geithner] "This man really speaks the language of Wall Street. To most Americans, this terminology is worse than Classical Greek, meaning this fellow just may be the man for the job. TARP funds will be used to purchase illiquid assets from mortgage vendors and thaw out the frozen credit sector."
[Theme music] [Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to go to change.gov and vote online for our next Deputy Secretary of the Treasury!"
Friday, March 6, 2009
Barry rough week
"Beware the Ides of March!"
President Obama sat up abruptly in bed, the haunting words of his ghostly dream still ringing in his uncommonly large ears. [Waking Michelle] "Mish, wake up! I've had a nightmare!"
[MichelleO, wagging finger] "No uh-uh, honey! Wakin' me up at 3:00am is just the beginning of your nightmare!"
[Obama] "Please don't hit me this time! I'm so scared!"
[MichelleO, exhibiting a rare bit of humanity] "OK, I won't whup' on you... this time. Tell me about your dream. Unless there are other women in your dream. Then I am gonna whup' on you."
[Obama] "It was just a strange disembodied voice that said 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[MichelleO] "The only Ides I know is the St. Ides Malt Liquor I used to drink before I got rich working in that hospital. Quit worrying about it and get some sleep. There are thousands of things to worry about that are more important than some silly little dream."
[Obama] "OK. Thanks for supporting me."
------------------
[Haggard looking Obama stumbles into morning staff meeting, rubs his eyes and clumsily reaches for his coffee cup]
[Rahm E.] "Sire, forgive me, but you look horrid!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I had a bad night. Bad dreams and stuff. And Michelle wasn't very helpful."
[Rahm E.] "Oh my. Tell me about your dream, sire. My days as a ballet dancer taught me how to interpret the thoughts of others and express them as dance."
[Obama] "All it was was a creepy ghosty thing saying 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[Rahm E. en pointe, fluttering about, leaping and prancing] "Et tu?" "Gah!" [Clutches ribs, collapses, feigning death]
[Obama] "What the heck was that?"
[Rahm E.] "Sorry, sire. Shakespeare was always difficult to dance to. I'll try harder next time."
[Obama] "No. Please don't. Do not ever flit about like that again. Just tell me what the dream is about."
[Rahm E.] "No worries, sire. We don't even know anyone named Brutus."
[Obama, banging head on desk] "We went from nightmares to you doing some really gay gymnastics thing to I dunno what... Just tell me what the dream means."
[Rahm E.] "The 'Ides' is an old Anglo word for 'middling-part-of.' The ghost was cautioning you to be careful around the middle of this month. You know, like don't put any big bets on who's going to be in the NCAA Tournament, don't let Biden use the riding lawnmower, that kind of stuff."
[Obama] "Finally! Thanks. I didn't know what to make of that dream, but I'm glad you've cleared it up. With that settled, let's get down to business."
[Rahm E.] "Sire, just a reminder that Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the United Kingdom will be here in about 5 minutes."
[Obama] "CRAP! I totally forgot! Here's $50 - dash down to the White House souvenir shop and get a gift for the PM! This is gonna be worse than the time I forgot about my anniversary and Michelle beat me with a 5-iron."
[SecTreas Geithner, sobbing uncontrollably] "The Australians think I'm a flaming idiot and that I don't know how to solve the financial crisis."
[Obama] "Cheer up Tim. It's not just you. None of us know how to fix the financial crisis. But I give a good speech, so it's cool."
[SecState Clinton] "Putin pretty much laughed in our face at our missle defense/help with Iran idea. Then when I presented my gift to Foreign Minister Lavrov he nearly peed himself laughing. [Starting to choke up and cry] "I got him a big plastic button that said 'reset' in Russian. You know, like a reset button for Russian/American relations. It was so cute! It was such an endearing gift! But the translation was wrong, and it said 'overpriced' instead of 'reset.' I don't know very much Russian, but I think they were saying that I was a harlot and that if my asking price was five bucks that too, would be overpriced. [Total sobbing breakdown with layer after layer of makeup flowing off her face onto the polished hardwood desk]
[Obama, trying desperately to find a positive to latch onto] "Hey, our trillion-dollar stimulus package helped keep 25 police officers on duty in Ohio! That's only like $40 billion per job! [Holds out hands for fist bump, none accept the invite but instead continue crying]
"Umm. Alright. I recognize that things have to get worse [cabinet cries even louder] before they get better. But things will get better! Things always get better. [Voice trails off, Obama himself gets a little misty-eyed]
[Dr. Sanjay Gupta leans in through the doorway] "President Obama, thank you for considering me for the prestigious post of Surgeon General." [Exaggerated Gandhi accent] "But I would sooner clean the dairy case of my nephew's convenience store than work for your misfit administration. Goodbye, now!"
[Obama, hanging head] "It's only March the 6th. What else could go wrong between now and the 15th?"
President Obama sat up abruptly in bed, the haunting words of his ghostly dream still ringing in his uncommonly large ears. [Waking Michelle] "Mish, wake up! I've had a nightmare!"
[MichelleO, wagging finger] "No uh-uh, honey! Wakin' me up at 3:00am is just the beginning of your nightmare!"
[Obama] "Please don't hit me this time! I'm so scared!"
[MichelleO, exhibiting a rare bit of humanity] "OK, I won't whup' on you... this time. Tell me about your dream. Unless there are other women in your dream. Then I am gonna whup' on you."
[Obama] "It was just a strange disembodied voice that said 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[MichelleO] "The only Ides I know is the St. Ides Malt Liquor I used to drink before I got rich working in that hospital. Quit worrying about it and get some sleep. There are thousands of things to worry about that are more important than some silly little dream."
[Obama] "OK. Thanks for supporting me."
------------------
[Haggard looking Obama stumbles into morning staff meeting, rubs his eyes and clumsily reaches for his coffee cup]
[Rahm E.] "Sire, forgive me, but you look horrid!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I had a bad night. Bad dreams and stuff. And Michelle wasn't very helpful."
[Rahm E.] "Oh my. Tell me about your dream, sire. My days as a ballet dancer taught me how to interpret the thoughts of others and express them as dance."
[Obama] "All it was was a creepy ghosty thing saying 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[Rahm E. en pointe, fluttering about, leaping and prancing] "Et tu?" "Gah!" [Clutches ribs, collapses, feigning death]
[Obama] "What the heck was that?"
[Rahm E.] "Sorry, sire. Shakespeare was always difficult to dance to. I'll try harder next time."
[Obama] "No. Please don't. Do not ever flit about like that again. Just tell me what the dream is about."
[Rahm E.] "No worries, sire. We don't even know anyone named Brutus."
[Obama, banging head on desk] "We went from nightmares to you doing some really gay gymnastics thing to I dunno what... Just tell me what the dream means."
[Rahm E.] "The 'Ides' is an old Anglo word for 'middling-part-of.' The ghost was cautioning you to be careful around the middle of this month. You know, like don't put any big bets on who's going to be in the NCAA Tournament, don't let Biden use the riding lawnmower, that kind of stuff."
[Obama] "Finally! Thanks. I didn't know what to make of that dream, but I'm glad you've cleared it up. With that settled, let's get down to business."
[Rahm E.] "Sire, just a reminder that Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the United Kingdom will be here in about 5 minutes."
[Obama] "CRAP! I totally forgot! Here's $50 - dash down to the White House souvenir shop and get a gift for the PM! This is gonna be worse than the time I forgot about my anniversary and Michelle beat me with a 5-iron."
[SecTreas Geithner, sobbing uncontrollably] "The Australians think I'm a flaming idiot and that I don't know how to solve the financial crisis."
[Obama] "Cheer up Tim. It's not just you. None of us know how to fix the financial crisis. But I give a good speech, so it's cool."
[SecState Clinton] "Putin pretty much laughed in our face at our missle defense/help with Iran idea. Then when I presented my gift to Foreign Minister Lavrov he nearly peed himself laughing. [Starting to choke up and cry] "I got him a big plastic button that said 'reset' in Russian. You know, like a reset button for Russian/American relations. It was so cute! It was such an endearing gift! But the translation was wrong, and it said 'overpriced' instead of 'reset.' I don't know very much Russian, but I think they were saying that I was a harlot and that if my asking price was five bucks that too, would be overpriced. [Total sobbing breakdown with layer after layer of makeup flowing off her face onto the polished hardwood desk]
[Obama, trying desperately to find a positive to latch onto] "Hey, our trillion-dollar stimulus package helped keep 25 police officers on duty in Ohio! That's only like $40 billion per job! [Holds out hands for fist bump, none accept the invite but instead continue crying]
"Umm. Alright. I recognize that things have to get worse [cabinet cries even louder] before they get better. But things will get better! Things always get better. [Voice trails off, Obama himself gets a little misty-eyed]
[Dr. Sanjay Gupta leans in through the doorway] "President Obama, thank you for considering me for the prestigious post of Surgeon General." [Exaggerated Gandhi accent] "But I would sooner clean the dairy case of my nephew's convenience store than work for your misfit administration. Goodbye, now!"
[Obama, hanging head] "It's only March the 6th. What else could go wrong between now and the 15th?"
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A barry new sheriff in town
Warning: this post isn't very funny. I was just bored.
[Foggy Bottom, State Dept. HQ. Sec Clinton alone in office wearing diabolic grin, clutching Obama voodoo doll, cackling voice] "I WILLLLL be President someday, Barack. You've embarrassed me one too many times, Barack, and payback is a bi... no... payback is a... Hillary! Bwaahaahaa! Take that, Barack! [Clinton places doll in electric stapler] [K-thunk, staple pierces doll's abdomen]
[Obama, across town, rubs belly] "Ooof. I'm getting a tummyache. Are you sure the arugula was organic?"
[Rahm E.] "Indeed, sire! Not only that, the chicken was certified Halal -and- Free Range."
[Obama] "Weird. The only time I normally get these pains is when I accidentally eat something that was fertilized. I mean fertilized by something that came out of a bag - not something that came out of a cow."
[Clinton at Foggy Bottom, starting to sound like Gollum] "Yessss, sssooon the presidenssssy will be mine!" [Puts doll's head in stapler][K-thunk! K-thunk! K-thunk!]
[Obama, across town, rubs head] "Hey, Rahm. I just had this idea that I should give Biden a bigger role in my administration. We already named him Stimulus Czar, but you know, we can't just keep passing stimuli bills into perpetuity. I mean, we can do it for a long, long time, but sooner or later we'll have to give Joe something else to do."
[Rahm E.] "I see, sire." [Rahm trying to hide his disgust at the idea] "Marve..." [cough] "M, Muh, M-Marvelous idea, sire. Did you have something in mind?"
[Obama] "Why, yes. I think we should make Joe our Spending Sheriff. Because nobody messes with Joe. Give him a badge and people will really start to respect him. I'll announce it at our next cabinet meeting. Please have an official-looking badge engraved for him. Be sure it includes my 'O' logo, too."
[Rahm E.] "Yes, m'lord."
[Clinton, still in her office] "Yessssss...."
-----------
[Cabinet meeting a few days later]
[SecState Clinton] "Mr. President, the Brits are miffed about your handling of your meeting with
Prime Minister Brown."
[Obama, bad cockney accent] "Oh, so the limeys got their wankibits caught in their knickers? Bah! Brown is a tosspot." [normal voice] "Seriously, though: I'm having penpal diplomacy with Michael Medvedeadhead and Vladdy Putin, and it is going well. Who needs the the Brits?" "Next!"
[AG Eric Holder] "Waterboarding. Bad. Bad waterboarding."
[Obama] "Umm... Okay..." "Next!"
[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the Dow was only down about 40 today!"
[Obama] "Who cares? The stock market yoyos up and down like a tracking poll. Rahm?"
[Rahm E.] "Your approval ratings are holding steady, sire."
[Obama] "See what I mean? You should be investing in ME!"[Eyes glaze over, hands held high] "Yes! Invest in ME! I am The One!" [Snaps out of it] "Sorry. Anything else?"
[Collective silence]
[Obama] "Well then, I have an announcement. Get Joe in here."
[Axelrod] "My colitis is acting up. Pardon me." [Axelrod departs hurriedly]
[Biden] "Hey guys!" [nods toward Hillary] "and gal!" [Clinton smiles back at Joe, her fangs partially visible]
[Obama, taking badge from Rahm] "Joe, I do hereby name you Spending Sheriff! If anybody in government fails to spend up to their mandated minimums, you have authority to jail them or do anything else you see fit to do, as long as it increases spending." [Pins badge on Biden's suitjacket]
[Biden, trembling with joy] "Oh, wow! I mean WOW! You like me! You really, really like me! I can't wait to go install some lights and a siren on my car! [Obnoxious siren noises] "Woooo-woooo. Woooo-woooo." [hand gestures of spinning overhead lights] "Driver! Pull over! I need to see your license, registration and proof of obscene government spending! Oh yeah, and a Sheriff needs a gun! Thankfully I already have my trusty Beretta! Now I can wear it on my hip! I can put bullets in it, right?"
[AG Holder] "NO! Guns. Bad. Bad guns!"
[Biden] "Oh yeah? [Biden puffing up, readying for a fight] "You better not get between me and my sweet little Beretta. I have a Beretta and a badge - I'm your worst nightmare!"
[Holder and Biden in dramatic staredown, faces inches apart]
[Obama] "Break it up, break it up"
[Foggy Bottom, State Dept. HQ. Sec Clinton alone in office wearing diabolic grin, clutching Obama voodoo doll, cackling voice] "I WILLLLL be President someday, Barack. You've embarrassed me one too many times, Barack, and payback is a bi... no... payback is a... Hillary! Bwaahaahaa! Take that, Barack! [Clinton places doll in electric stapler] [K-thunk, staple pierces doll's abdomen]
[Obama, across town, rubs belly] "Ooof. I'm getting a tummyache. Are you sure the arugula was organic?"
[Rahm E.] "Indeed, sire! Not only that, the chicken was certified Halal -and- Free Range."
[Obama] "Weird. The only time I normally get these pains is when I accidentally eat something that was fertilized. I mean fertilized by something that came out of a bag - not something that came out of a cow."
[Clinton at Foggy Bottom, starting to sound like Gollum] "Yessss, sssooon the presidenssssy will be mine!" [Puts doll's head in stapler][K-thunk! K-thunk! K-thunk!]
[Obama, across town, rubs head] "Hey, Rahm. I just had this idea that I should give Biden a bigger role in my administration. We already named him Stimulus Czar, but you know, we can't just keep passing stimuli bills into perpetuity. I mean, we can do it for a long, long time, but sooner or later we'll have to give Joe something else to do."
[Rahm E.] "I see, sire." [Rahm trying to hide his disgust at the idea] "Marve..." [cough] "M, Muh, M-Marvelous idea, sire. Did you have something in mind?"
[Obama] "Why, yes. I think we should make Joe our Spending Sheriff. Because nobody messes with Joe. Give him a badge and people will really start to respect him. I'll announce it at our next cabinet meeting. Please have an official-looking badge engraved for him. Be sure it includes my 'O' logo, too."
[Rahm E.] "Yes, m'lord."
[Clinton, still in her office] "Yessssss...."
-----------
[Cabinet meeting a few days later]
[SecState Clinton] "Mr. President, the Brits are miffed about your handling of your meeting with
Prime Minister Brown."
[Obama, bad cockney accent] "Oh, so the limeys got their wankibits caught in their knickers? Bah! Brown is a tosspot." [normal voice] "Seriously, though: I'm having penpal diplomacy with Michael Medvedeadhead and Vladdy Putin, and it is going well. Who needs the the Brits?" "Next!"
[AG Eric Holder] "Waterboarding. Bad. Bad waterboarding."
[Obama] "Umm... Okay..." "Next!"
[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the Dow was only down about 40 today!"
[Obama] "Who cares? The stock market yoyos up and down like a tracking poll. Rahm?"
[Rahm E.] "Your approval ratings are holding steady, sire."
[Obama] "See what I mean? You should be investing in ME!"[Eyes glaze over, hands held high] "Yes! Invest in ME! I am The One!" [Snaps out of it] "Sorry. Anything else?"
[Collective silence]
[Obama] "Well then, I have an announcement. Get Joe in here."
[Axelrod] "My colitis is acting up. Pardon me." [Axelrod departs hurriedly]
[Biden] "Hey guys!" [nods toward Hillary] "and gal!" [Clinton smiles back at Joe, her fangs partially visible]
[Obama, taking badge from Rahm] "Joe, I do hereby name you Spending Sheriff! If anybody in government fails to spend up to their mandated minimums, you have authority to jail them or do anything else you see fit to do, as long as it increases spending." [Pins badge on Biden's suitjacket]
[Biden, trembling with joy] "Oh, wow! I mean WOW! You like me! You really, really like me! I can't wait to go install some lights and a siren on my car! [Obnoxious siren noises] "Woooo-woooo. Woooo-woooo." [hand gestures of spinning overhead lights] "Driver! Pull over! I need to see your license, registration and proof of obscene government spending! Oh yeah, and a Sheriff needs a gun! Thankfully I already have my trusty Beretta! Now I can wear it on my hip! I can put bullets in it, right?"
[AG Holder] "NO! Guns. Bad. Bad guns!"
[Biden] "Oh yeah? [Biden puffing up, readying for a fight] "You better not get between me and my sweet little Beretta. I have a Beretta and a badge - I'm your worst nightmare!"
[Holder and Biden in dramatic staredown, faces inches apart]
[Obama] "Break it up, break it up"
Monday, March 2, 2009
One barry good month in office
[9:00am. Obama and cabinet in meeting. Various above-any-oversight "czars" and advisors also in attendance]
[Obama] "Okay, it's Monday. How's Monday treating you?"
[Rahm E.] "Sire, our, oops, I mean 'your' nominee for US Trade Representative seems to be behind on his taxes. Not as much as Geithner, but still a substantial amount."
[Obama] "Grrr! Why is it so darned hard for you to find me nominees without a bunch of baggage like scandals and tax problems? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?"
[Rahm E.] "Sire, I'm so sorry. You've directed us to seek out those who share your ideology. Such people tend to be scantly-reformed radicals from the '60s who don't like giving anything to The Man, so they fudge their taxes. I try to explain to them that now they ARE 'The Man' so it's all good, and they should get current on their obligations. Sometimes the message sinks in, other times it doesn't."
[Obama] "What does the Trade Representative do, anyway?"
[Rahm E.] "Sire, he mostly cowtows to oppressive regimes and the World Bank so that we can continue to have ready access to all the cheap crap produced overseas by our quasi-marxist brethren. He routinely negotiates multibillion dollar deals, so a few thousand in unpaid taxes seems just a pittance in comparison. And the press really doesn't care. He'll be confirmed without hassle. I ought not to have even troubled you with such a trivial problem."
[Obama] "OK. As long as I don't get hassled about it, I don't care. Good enough. Next!"
[Axelrod] "Bams, we should go with Sebelius for HHS. She's been a decent governor."
[Obama] "Has she paid her taxes!?!?!"
[Axelrod] "Dunno. Haven't thought to check. I'll get back to ya on that one."
[Obama, rolling eyes] "Great. OK, Next!"
[SecState Hillary Clinton] "The Iranians have taken an American hostage. Well, maybe 'hostage' is not quite the right word - what they've done is more like put her in prison without much of a reason. Is that more of a 'political prisoner' or is that a 'hostage?' I guess it comes down to what the definition of 'is' is."
[Obama] "You used the pronoun 'her' which surprises me."
[Clinton] "Yes, she's a former Miss North Dakota"
[Obama] "So you're kind of implying that she's kind of hot?"
[Clinton] "Well, I definitely think so. But regardless, we still need to get her released as soon as possible. Iranian Hostage Situations tend to not turn out so well for Democrats."
[Obama] "What do you mean by that? Did you husband screw up some hostage thing in Iran?"
[Clinton] "Uhmm, no. At least not that I know of. But he did a lot of things that I didn't know about at the time. I sometimes wish he'd been on that plane with Ron Brown."
[Obama] "What? Oh, nevermind. You confuse the me. Good thing I picked Biden for veep. He may be prone to shooting his mouth off, but at least he's usually on topic. Next!"
[Clinton, smiling politely. Hands under desk, discreetly smacks her Obama voodoo doll upside the head]
[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the stock market fell about 300 points today."
[Obama] "So? Seems like it does that all the time. Why do you mention it?" [tinny, barely audible Ludacris music is heard faintly] "Excuse me while I take this call. It's probably Oprah." [checks caller ID] "Oh, hey, it's Warren Buffet!" [answers phone] "Yo, Buff! Whassup?"
[Warren Buffet] "Mr. President! The Dow fell 300 today!"
[Obama] "Yeah, me 'n Timbo were just talkin' about that. Let me put you on speaker."
[Buffet, audible to all] "Now the Dow is below 7000!"
[Obama] "Umm. Is that bad?"
[Buffet] "YES! This isn't golf! Low numbers are bad! I supported you and look what you've done! The economy is in shambles!"
[Obama turning off speakerphone and holding phone to his ear] "But when I golf, I usually get like a 130 or a 140. Seems like 7000 is still pretty decent..."
[Buffet, interrupting] "Fool! Do you know anything about finance?"
[Obama] "I thought we were talking about golf. I'm so confused."
[Buffet] "You better get this mess straightened up! I've lost billions since you took over!"
[Obama, in cutesy babytalk voice] "Awww, sounds wike wittle warren want a baywout. It's otay, we can do dat." [Winces at Buffet's raised voice in earpiece, holds phone away from ear briefly before hanging up] "Heehee! Old people cuss funny!" "Next!"
[greggycraig] "Sire, your choice for Urban Czar, Adolfo Carrion, seems to have some Pay-for-Play scandals. Rather like your friend Blegojevich, but on a tad smaller scale."
[Rahm, tensing in expectation of another rebuke] "Sire, not to worry..."
[Obama, interrupting] "We named a guy named 'Adolfo' to be a Czar? I'm not sure Putin is going to like that. I've been discussing our folding like a cheap kid's play tent on that Eastern Europe Missile Defense thing that Boooooosh was so hyped about. I've promised that we'll give it up without a fight if he promises to help Iran not blow us up with nukes or something. He double-pinky-promises to help, but it's still very delicate negotiations - be sure of that. Czars and Adolfs might make him a little uneasy, you know. The Russians have long memories."
[Rahm] "Sire, the fellow's last name is Carrion, as in 'garbage eater'. I think Putin would very much approve of associating Czars and Adolfs with buzzards dining on bloated roadkill. And as a Czar, there he faces no Senate approval so his alleged misdeeds have no bearing on the selection."
[Obama] "Rahm, once again I am so glad I hired you. You can appease Putin AND bring me some homestyle pay-for-play all in one smooth motion. Nicely done! Next!"
[Biden barging in, wearing ridiculous outfit resembling a pink mutated Gumby] "Guys! I have great news! They've developed this awesome flexible armor. I'm wearing it now. Cool, huh? It's flexible, oh, kinda like warm taffy 'til you hit it sharply and then the molecules like do this molecular thing and become rigid and absorb the blow. Even bullets. Then it becomes flexible again. Now you don't have to worry about us both simultaneously dying in some weird tragedy that would leave us with a President Pelosi."
[Axelrod looks at Biden and stifles laughter. Axelrod hears Biden's words. Axelrod, drooling, tries to carve hole in his forehead using presidential fountain pen] "Can't. Take. The. Pain. In. Cerebrum. Wish. For. Death. Before. Joe's. Inanity. Assails. Me. Further." [Collapses]
[Biden, glancing at Axelrod] "Whoa. Anyway, as I was sayin' I can hang out with you guys now because I'm pretty much bulletproof. Heck, a bomb could go off in here and take the whole West Wing down, and I'd be fine. So you don't have to exclude me from all this cool governing stuff anymore. I know it was a sensible precaution before, but totally needless now. This stuff looks like bubble gum. Hey, when I'm in this superman suit, you should call me Bazooka Joe 'cuz I really do look like a piece of bubble gum and my name is Joe and some gum company makes gum called Bazooka Joe. I should get a bazooka. They have funny little comics on the wrapper that I always laugh at. At least when I have my glasses on and can read the little words they're saying. I like gum. One time when I was a kid - no wait, it was only about a year ago - I got gum in my hair. It was really messy. I tried the peanut butter trick. Didn't work. Tried the cooking oil trick. Didn't work. Tried like for hours to comb it out and was getting nowhere. Then I remembered that my hair is fake so I just pulled my hair out and it didn't even hurt. There was enough left that I could rearrange it and nobody could tell that I had fake hair plugs. That was pretty cool. Not very many people can do that. I mean, pull their hair out without it even hurting. And that was before I was bulletproof. I'm even more invincible now with this suit. Go ahead, like kick me or something."
[Axelrod stirs] "Grraahhh!" [Axelrod charges forward and punches Joe square in the face. Biden falls, blood coming out his nose]
[Biden] "No, Axe! Ow! You were supposed to hit me in the armored areas. Not my face! That's the one part of me that isn't bulletproof! How did you manage to hit the one single place that could hurt me!?"
[Obama] "Joe, this suit is amazing, but Axe just showed that you still have vulnerabilities. Now, hurry out of here before any terrorists realize that we're all in one room. Let us know when you've added a section of armor that totally makes an airtight bulletproof seal over your face. Then we'll know for sure you're safe and we'll all be able to meet together.
[Biden] "Right away, sir!" [Biden exits hastily]
[Obama] "Anything else?"
[Group] "No, that's it"
[Obama] "Right on! It's only 9:17 in the morning and we're done governing for the day! I'll be able to take a flight in my spiffy ride and still have time to give away billions of taxpayer dollars! Woohoo!"
[greggycraig] "Sire, your choice for Urban Czar, Adolfo Carrion, seems to have some Pay-for-Play scandals. Rather like your friend Blegojevich, but on a tad smaller scale."
[Rahm, tensing in expectation of another rebuke] "Sire, not to worry..."
[Obama, interrupting] "We named a guy named 'Adolfo' to be a Czar? I'm not sure Putin is going to like that. I've been discussing our folding like a cheap kid's play tent on that Eastern Europe Missile Defense thing that Boooooosh was so hyped about. I've promised that we'll give it up without a fight if he promises to help Iran not blow us up with nukes or something. He double-pinky-promises to help, but it's still very delicate negotiations - be sure of that. Czars and Adolfs might make him a little uneasy, you know. The Russians have long memories."
[Rahm] "Sire, the fellow's last name is Carrion, as in 'garbage eater'. I think Putin would very much approve of associating Czars and Adolfs with buzzards dining on bloated roadkill. And as a Czar, there he faces no Senate approval so his alleged misdeeds have no bearing on the selection."
[Obama] "Rahm, once again I am so glad I hired you. You can appease Putin AND bring me some homestyle pay-for-play all in one smooth motion. Nicely done! Next!"
[Biden barging in, wearing ridiculous outfit resembling a pink mutated Gumby] "Guys! I have great news! They've developed this awesome flexible armor. I'm wearing it now. Cool, huh? It's flexible, oh, kinda like warm taffy 'til you hit it sharply and then the molecules like do this molecular thing and become rigid and absorb the blow. Even bullets. Then it becomes flexible again. Now you don't have to worry about us both simultaneously dying in some weird tragedy that would leave us with a President Pelosi."
[Axelrod looks at Biden and stifles laughter. Axelrod hears Biden's words. Axelrod, drooling, tries to carve hole in his forehead using presidential fountain pen] "Can't. Take. The. Pain. In. Cerebrum. Wish. For. Death. Before. Joe's. Inanity. Assails. Me. Further." [Collapses]
[Biden, glancing at Axelrod] "Whoa. Anyway, as I was sayin' I can hang out with you guys now because I'm pretty much bulletproof. Heck, a bomb could go off in here and take the whole West Wing down, and I'd be fine. So you don't have to exclude me from all this cool governing stuff anymore. I know it was a sensible precaution before, but totally needless now. This stuff looks like bubble gum. Hey, when I'm in this superman suit, you should call me Bazooka Joe 'cuz I really do look like a piece of bubble gum and my name is Joe and some gum company makes gum called Bazooka Joe. I should get a bazooka. They have funny little comics on the wrapper that I always laugh at. At least when I have my glasses on and can read the little words they're saying. I like gum. One time when I was a kid - no wait, it was only about a year ago - I got gum in my hair. It was really messy. I tried the peanut butter trick. Didn't work. Tried the cooking oil trick. Didn't work. Tried like for hours to comb it out and was getting nowhere. Then I remembered that my hair is fake so I just pulled my hair out and it didn't even hurt. There was enough left that I could rearrange it and nobody could tell that I had fake hair plugs. That was pretty cool. Not very many people can do that. I mean, pull their hair out without it even hurting. And that was before I was bulletproof. I'm even more invincible now with this suit. Go ahead, like kick me or something."
[Axelrod stirs] "Grraahhh!" [Axelrod charges forward and punches Joe square in the face. Biden falls, blood coming out his nose]
[Biden] "No, Axe! Ow! You were supposed to hit me in the armored areas. Not my face! That's the one part of me that isn't bulletproof! How did you manage to hit the one single place that could hurt me!?"
[Obama] "Joe, this suit is amazing, but Axe just showed that you still have vulnerabilities. Now, hurry out of here before any terrorists realize that we're all in one room. Let us know when you've added a section of armor that totally makes an airtight bulletproof seal over your face. Then we'll know for sure you're safe and we'll all be able to meet together.
[Biden] "Right away, sir!" [Biden exits hastily]
[Obama] "Anything else?"
[Group] "No, that's it"
[Obama] "Right on! It's only 9:17 in the morning and we're done governing for the day! I'll be able to take a flight in my spiffy ride and still have time to give away billions of taxpayer dollars! Woohoo!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Gripe, Gripe, Gripe
It looks like Google has killed my header graphic. Yay. I'll upload it again when I have some time. But it bugs me. Wanna know what else bugs me? Single-ply toilet paper. Enlightened Europeans seem to agree. I much prefer two-ply. Unfortunately, our eurofriends across the sea are taking things way too far, as is their wont. While they don't much like single-ply, they Really Hate 2-ply. But even 2-ply has its faults. Ever have the two plies (is that really the plural of ply? Looks weird to me!) "delaminate" and come off the roll as two parallel but out-of-phase plies, where the little perforation thingies don't line up? THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! It has been happening to me a lot more often since Obama took over. Correlation, causation or coincidence?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sarcastic Blogger can't compete, may seek bailout funds.
OK, a couple days ago Obama names Biden "Stimulus Czar." When asked why he chose Biden, Obama said "Nobody messes with Joe" Seriously. That was the logic. Nothing about economic or financial skills. Nothing about rooting out corrupution or waste.
Then Mr. Czar shows up on TV, and is asked what specific things the Stimulus will do for small business. Our Czar says* "If your customers can't get to you because of transportation, we'll help 'em. If, ya know, the bridge over the creek needs repaired, we'll fix it so you customers can reach you. If your costs of doing business are getting out of hand, we'll install a Smart Meter for your electricity usage." When asked if there was a website with more details, he said yes, but that he didn't know the website number!
As an upstart humorist blogger, how the bloody blinkety-blank am I supposed to compete with that level of Stupid? I mean it! I try, Every Single Day, to come up with some fanciful and ridiculous ideas to build a funny post around, and every single day the Obama/Biden reality ends up being way more wacky than anything my mind can muster. I am outclassed.
*I heard this quote on the radio and posted it from memory. I'll add a link when I finally find one.
Then Mr. Czar shows up on TV, and is asked what specific things the Stimulus will do for small business. Our Czar says* "If your customers can't get to you because of transportation, we'll help 'em. If, ya know, the bridge over the creek needs repaired, we'll fix it so you customers can reach you. If your costs of doing business are getting out of hand, we'll install a Smart Meter for your electricity usage." When asked if there was a website with more details, he said yes, but that he didn't know the website number!
As an upstart humorist blogger, how the bloody blinkety-blank am I supposed to compete with that level of Stupid? I mean it! I try, Every Single Day, to come up with some fanciful and ridiculous ideas to build a funny post around, and every single day the Obama/Biden reality ends up being way more wacky than anything my mind can muster. I am outclassed.
*I heard this quote on the radio and posted it from memory. I'll add a link when I finally find one.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sorry 'bout lack of updates
I was having a lot of fun during the first few weeks of Obama's administration: Flubs, trip-ups and gaffes-o-plenty. There were abundant daily news items that I could easily write something sarcastic about. Lately, though, it's been a lot harder. Not because Obama has suddenly found his stride and there are no problems to point out. Quite the contrary. I've started lots of posts that ended up as half-finished drafts that I've never posted because they're just not funny. I mean, I've included all the usual snark and silliness, but what Obama is doing to our nation just isn't laughable anymore, and trying to make ha-ha out of it seems totally tasteless.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Judd Gregg not barry cool
[Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, and Jake Tapper for a little while longer 'til you 'disappear' I'd like you to meet the next White House Counsel, Judd Gregg."
[greggycraig, tapping Obama's shoulder and whispering] "Sire, I think you've misspoken. Again. "
[Obama] "During the campaign season, I promised bipartisanship. I promised an end to politics-as-usual-tit-for-tat-party-line policies. This angered many of my far-left supporters, who would rather do a naked swan dive into a shallow pool of thumbtacks than support a republican. But that's OK. I'm not a New Party socialist ideologue. My fling-poo-at-military-recruiters-far-leftist friends recognize that I am president of everybody and will continue to support me.
"With this promise in mind, I have retained Gates at defense, I have not materially changed our Iraq policy, and even the rendition program continues unabated. I even promised that there would be republicans in my cabinet. So I hereby present to you greggycraig, your next Secretary of Commerce. [Looks over to Judd Gregg, extends congratulatory handshake]
[Ram E.] "I would also like to extend my hand to Mr. Gregg, but I can't reach that high. However, he and I have already discussed our mutual appreciation and respect, and his willingness to cede Census responsibilities from his department directly to me." [Raised eyebrow on Gregg] "Since I am in an appointed position with no congressional oversight, and am known to be a vicious partisan hack, it took a lot of convincing before Mr. Gregg agreed that this Census manuever was a good idea. This is the kind of moral tenacity that our country needs during these troubling times, and just multiplies my respect for this man. " [Ram glances to Gov. of New Hampshire and exchanges a not-so-subtle wink with him] "Additionally, Mr. Gregg is so principled, he insisted that his democrat Governor only appoint another republican to replace him. That is epitome of bipartisanship right there - democrat and republican working together for the best of the country." [Stifled laughter]
[Obama] "Mr. Gregg contributes valuable republican insights into how best to stimulate our economy by piddling away nearly a trillion dollars. He will also provide valuable cover for weak-kneed moderate republicans - and oh, trust me, there are quite a few - allowing them to vote bipartisanly in a bipartisan manner for bipartisan pork and waste and bipartisan personal enrichment. Patriots like Specter and Snowe will feel much more comfortable doing their patriotic duty of voting for my garbage knowing that there'll be a republican in a token position with token involvement in the whole thing."
[Keith Olberman, into recording device] "Note to self: not all republicans are the Worst Person in the World."
[Ram E.] "Once I finish correcting the, um, 'statistical errors' in the Census data, 100% of House seats will be in blue states. This will be a remarkable accomplishment, that wouldn't be possible without Mr. Gregg so admirably putting partisan issues on the back burner."
[Obama] "As the new Secretary of Commerce, juddycraig's first responsibilites will be getting a better job for Julio and some housing for Henrietta. But at the moment none of that matters as I need to jet off to the Caterpillar Heavy Equipment factory.
-------------------------------
[Obama] "...and that is what my stimulus package will do. It will be great. It will be awesome. It will get thousands of you laid-off former co-workers back to work."
[Assembled workers] "Yay! Obama is great!"
[Jim Owens, CEO of Caterpillar, yanking mike away from Obama] "Are you serious? Do you really think spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Honeybee Insurance and Polar Bear Exhibits and Monorails and Dog Parks in Chula Vista is going to do a darn thing for my employees? I might as well light a big pile of cash on fire, that would at least keep them warm for a few minutes during this harsh winter."
-----------------------------
[Judd Gregg, on his website] "Obama told me I'd be doing republicany kinds of things like negotiating trade deals with foreign governments. Then I find out what he's really all about. At this point I can't tell if he's a liar, a moron, or simply in way over his head. If Rahm were a larger individual, I'd call him a 'weasel', but I'll have to settle for calling him a, uh, erm, 'extremely small member of the Mustelidae family.' I won't work for this administration. I am going back to the Senate to oppose every harebrained idea this administration conjures up."
------------------------------
[Obama, in Air Force One back to DC] "Crap."
[greggycraig, tapping Obama's shoulder and whispering] "Sire, I think you've misspoken. Again. "
[Obama] "During the campaign season, I promised bipartisanship. I promised an end to politics-as-usual-tit-for-tat-party-line policies. This angered many of my far-left supporters, who would rather do a naked swan dive into a shallow pool of thumbtacks than support a republican. But that's OK. I'm not a New Party socialist ideologue. My fling-poo-at-military-recruiters-far-leftist friends recognize that I am president of everybody and will continue to support me.
"With this promise in mind, I have retained Gates at defense, I have not materially changed our Iraq policy, and even the rendition program continues unabated. I even promised that there would be republicans in my cabinet. So I hereby present to you greggycraig, your next Secretary of Commerce. [Looks over to Judd Gregg, extends congratulatory handshake]
[Ram E.] "I would also like to extend my hand to Mr. Gregg, but I can't reach that high. However, he and I have already discussed our mutual appreciation and respect, and his willingness to cede Census responsibilities from his department directly to me." [Raised eyebrow on Gregg] "Since I am in an appointed position with no congressional oversight, and am known to be a vicious partisan hack, it took a lot of convincing before Mr. Gregg agreed that this Census manuever was a good idea. This is the kind of moral tenacity that our country needs during these troubling times, and just multiplies my respect for this man. " [Ram glances to Gov. of New Hampshire and exchanges a not-so-subtle wink with him] "Additionally, Mr. Gregg is so principled, he insisted that his democrat Governor only appoint another republican to replace him. That is epitome of bipartisanship right there - democrat and republican working together for the best of the country." [Stifled laughter]
[Obama] "Mr. Gregg contributes valuable republican insights into how best to stimulate our economy by piddling away nearly a trillion dollars. He will also provide valuable cover for weak-kneed moderate republicans - and oh, trust me, there are quite a few - allowing them to vote bipartisanly in a bipartisan manner for bipartisan pork and waste and bipartisan personal enrichment. Patriots like Specter and Snowe will feel much more comfortable doing their patriotic duty of voting for my garbage knowing that there'll be a republican in a token position with token involvement in the whole thing."
[Keith Olberman, into recording device] "Note to self: not all republicans are the Worst Person in the World."
[Ram E.] "Once I finish correcting the, um, 'statistical errors' in the Census data, 100% of House seats will be in blue states. This will be a remarkable accomplishment, that wouldn't be possible without Mr. Gregg so admirably putting partisan issues on the back burner."
[Obama] "As the new Secretary of Commerce, juddycraig's first responsibilites will be getting a better job for Julio and some housing for Henrietta. But at the moment none of that matters as I need to jet off to the Caterpillar Heavy Equipment factory.
-------------------------------
[Obama] "...and that is what my stimulus package will do. It will be great. It will be awesome. It will get thousands of you laid-off former co-workers back to work."
[Assembled workers] "Yay! Obama is great!"
[Jim Owens, CEO of Caterpillar, yanking mike away from Obama] "Are you serious? Do you really think spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Honeybee Insurance and Polar Bear Exhibits and Monorails and Dog Parks in Chula Vista is going to do a darn thing for my employees? I might as well light a big pile of cash on fire, that would at least keep them warm for a few minutes during this harsh winter."
-----------------------------
[Judd Gregg, on his website] "Obama told me I'd be doing republicany kinds of things like negotiating trade deals with foreign governments. Then I find out what he's really all about. At this point I can't tell if he's a liar, a moron, or simply in way over his head. If Rahm were a larger individual, I'd call him a 'weasel', but I'll have to settle for calling him a, uh, erm, 'extremely small member of the Mustelidae family.' I won't work for this administration. I am going back to the Senate to oppose every harebrained idea this administration conjures up."
------------------------------
[Obama, in Air Force One back to DC] "Crap."
That's barry special!
Obama and his entourage were gathered in the White House media room. A very large HD TV displayed Sean Hannity discussing VP Biden's claim of a 30% chance of failure in Obama's stimulus package. A somber Obama clicked the remote over to CNN. CNN analysts were likewise discussing Biden's comment. More clicks of the remote, more discussion of Biden.
[Axelrod] " 'Bams, quit worrying so much. We know the package is worse than that, so Joe is actually giving you more credit than you deserve. Cut him some slack."
[Ram E.] "Sire, Biden suggests you have a 70% chance of success! A batting average of .700 would shatter all records! Indeed, m'lord, it seems you ought to be taking pride in this moment yet you are deflated. I just don't understand."
[Obama] "No, you don't understand. I felt like I had to pick Biden to offset the republican claims that our ticket lacked experience. I wanted to pick Evan Bayh, but nooooooooo, you had to talk me into Biden." [Dirty look towards Axelrod]
[Axelrod] "Bayh's a stiff! He's got less personality than McCain, and I never thought that was possible."
[Obama] "He may be a stiff, but remember, 'dead men tell no tales.' He would've just been silent and stayed out of the way, unlike your Biden. Enough of this, I'm ready for some good news for a change." [Obama clicks over to al-Jazeera]
[Arabic dialog on the TV - understood by Obama, but gibberish to the rest. Biden's face appears on screen] "The Iraqis need to step up. This failure to reach reconciliation, the ongoing violence, the sectarian strife needs to come to an end, or this administration will be forced to barge into a sovereign country and put our foot down. We won't put up with this."
[Iraqi PM Maliki speaking, subtitled in English] "Biden is an ass. His observations are woefully out-of-date. He speaks of a situation that was resolved years ago. Seriously, the big cities of my country are safer than the big cities in America. I question Biden's mental health, and Allah willing, I will strike Biden's mouth with a closed fist. I also question, you, President Obama" [Maliki leans in close to camera] "Why do you tolerate this fool in your administration?"
[Obama, disgusted] "OK, you know things are going poorly when even my al-Jazeera coverage is negative." [Flipping through rolodex, stopping at Biden's number, dialing it.] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you to accomplish. Please get down here right away." [Hangs up] "OK, guys, he'll be here in about 5 minutes. That means we have about 5 minutes to come up with a crucial administration policy for Joe to head up. Think 'Hillary and healthcare reform' from about 15 years ago. Start thinking.'
[greggycraig] "We could put him in charge of energy independence"
[Obama] "Hmmm... Maybe... Actually... NO! [Fierce look on Obama] "He openly differed with me regarding coal usage!"
[Ram E.] "We could make him Climate Czar. Since nobody takes Al Gore seriously anymore, maybe we should pass that torch to Joe."
[Obama] "If we pass a torch to Joe we'll all end up in the burn ward."
[Axelrod] "We could put him in charge of the Special Olympics"
[Obama] "Tell me more - but hurry, he'll be here in about a minute!"
[Axelrod] "It's in Idaho this year. That's about all I know. Not like I've ever been to Idaho. Not like I'll ever go to Idaho. Not like I want to have anything to do with special needs kids. Geez, I'm getting nauseated just thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of right-wing Idaho hicks and their inbred kids."
[Obama] "Now that's an idea I can work with. Let's send Joe to Idaho on an EX-TEN-DED stay to tackle this issue!" [Obama's cronies laughing and nodding]
[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! It must be a real important, this whateveritis you want me to go do, since it is so rare that we're all in the same room together."
[Obama] "NORAD assures me that there are no meteors inbound on our location at the moment, so we should be OK for now. But to be safe, we should keep this short."
[Axelrod, putting down drink, tensing up]
[Biden] "Yeah, no kiddin'! The way that fossil Pelosi, I mean, if she ever became President..."
[Axelrod] "Gah!" [Clutches head before collapsing]
[Biden] "As I was saying, about how Pelosi is running the House. Speaking of House, isn't that a weird name for a TV show about a doctor? And NORAD, don't get me started, but I heard they actually let Canadians in there, too. Are we like, allies or something, with Canada? Somebody told me that Canadian radar watches for nuclear missiles coming over the pole from Russia, and they watch the little radar blippy things down here in Colorado. What's the matter with those Canucks? They can build a radar that can see all the way to Russia, but they can't build their own radar displays. And how can Sarah Palin see Russia from her house, and the Canadians can also see Russia from like thousands of miles away, but Alaska and Canada are neighbors? I don't think Palin was being completely truthful. I know Russia is kinda big, but I oh, I get it now. That's how NORAD is able to track Santa every Christmas - without Canadian radar watching the North Pole we'd never know when Santa takes off. I guess those Canadians are good for something after all. Do the igloos up there have chimneys for Santa, or is it more of an icehole? Hey, I kicked Santa in the icehole!" [Biden laughing at his joke]
[Obama] "Joe, you've already caused Axelrod to have another stroke. Let's get down to business. This year the Special Olympics Winter Games are being held in Boise, Idaho. As you may recall, but probably don't, Sarah Palin made some blatant panders to the special needs community during our campaign. It was very cruel of her to do so, because those people, being special needs types, lacked the discernment to see through her deplorable campaign rhetoric."
[Biden] "Oh, I know, it's distasteful. So you want me to go to Idaho and set the record straight."
[Obama] "Yes. Palin thinks she has locked up that voting bloc. It is your task to win them back to our side. The next presidential election isn't for about 45 months, but we can't rest on our laurels. Head to Idaho, and take as long as you need to convince those voters that Palin is evil."
[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!" [Biden exits]
[Ram E. gathers the drink from Axelrod's still-clenched drink-holding hand and splashes some of the liquid on Axelrod's face]
[Obama] "Axe, wake up! Biden's on his way to Idaho. It's safe now."
[Axelrod, groggy] "Dat. wuzzn't. an. act... Just. being. in. a. confined. space. with. that. man. and. breathing. from. the. same. air. makes. my. brain. itch. and. then. I. pass. out."
-------------------------
[Announcer] "Thank you, Boise, for hosting this wonderful event" [Crowd cheers] "I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden is here to lend his support!" [Audience members look at each other, unsure whether to be excited or not. Smattering of intermittent applause]
[Biden] "Let the games begin!" [Kids cheer and dash off in various directions, towards their events]
Evening falls, events wind down, kids and families reassemble for the awards ceremony. Most kids are happy, a few are disappointed that they didn't perform as well as hoped. The announcer reads names and scores, while Biden presents trophies and ribbons.
[Biden, goodnaturedly] "Nice job, kid. It's lucky for you that tackle football isn't one of the winter games. I'd have come down there and stomped you into the mud!" [Biden rubs kid on top of head in a friendly manner]
[Kid] "Think so?" [Kid winds up and kicks Biden in shin, bulky corrective shoe maximizing the painful effect] [Biden winces in pain, leans over, grabs shin. Kid bonks Biden on back of head with trophy and exits]
[Announcer] "Thank you families, thank you kids for a great event. That's it for the awards. We're just about done. VP Biden has just a few words for us before we go."
[Biden, eyes still a bit watery from the pain he endured a few minutes prior] "Folks, I'd just like to remind you how important you all are to theBiden I mean Obama/Biden administration. That lying liar who tells a lot of lies, yes, [snooty nasal voice with scornful look on face] Sare-ruh Pay-lin, like to appear with her special needs kid in public. Yeah, I said 'IN PUBLIC' with her special needs kid. She carries that kid around like some kind of badge of honor, and tells everyone how much she cares about special needs kids. Well, like I said, she's a lying liar." [Boos from the crowd] "Hey! I have security clearance! I've seen classified documents that show that she really wants special needs kids sent to warehouses, where she fattens them up before rendering them into lamp oil. They need the lamp oil up there 'cuz of the long, dark winters." [More boos, shaking of fists] "Oh, you don't think so? There's a lot of classified info I've seen, like about our plans to bomb Iran on St. Patrick's Day, that I can't talk about 'cuz it's classified. But if you'd seen what I've seen, you'd never vote for a republican again!"
[Loud cheers from crowd] [Biden surprised by the crowd's change of mood] "Yeah, I'm gonna bomb Iran and save your kids from the Wolfkiller of the Great White North!"
[Crowd louder still. Biden doesn't see that Sarah Palin is sneaking up behind him, but crowd is all over it.]
[Sarah Palin, grabbing microphone away from Biden] "Say it ain't so, Joe!"
[Biden, shrieking] "Nooooo! Please don't shoot me with a moose rifle!"
[Palin] "Of course not, Joe. I have other things in mind." [Cracks knuckles]
[Biden, dropping to his knees] "Why have you come here? Is it only to embarrass me further?"
[Palin] "Naw, Joe. I was born in Idaho and went to college in Idaho. Idaho is kind of like my version of Scranton. So when I heard all these great kids were going to be here, of course I had to be here for it."
[Biden, still kneeling, clasps hands as if in prayer] "Mercy, please!"
[Palin feigns knee to Biden's solar plexus, stops just short of hitting him] [Biden flinches, coughs up small amount of saliva onto lapel of his expensive suit.]
-------------
Later that evening...
[Obama on phone to Biden] "How did it go?"
[Biden] "Well, I got beat up my a middle schooler and Sarah Palin showed up and totally derailed my attempts at smear tactics."
[Obama] "Setbacks are to be expected, Joe. Stay in Idaho and keep trying. I'll be in touch..."
[Axelrod] " 'Bams, quit worrying so much. We know the package is worse than that, so Joe is actually giving you more credit than you deserve. Cut him some slack."
[Ram E.] "Sire, Biden suggests you have a 70% chance of success! A batting average of .700 would shatter all records! Indeed, m'lord, it seems you ought to be taking pride in this moment yet you are deflated. I just don't understand."
[Obama] "No, you don't understand. I felt like I had to pick Biden to offset the republican claims that our ticket lacked experience. I wanted to pick Evan Bayh, but nooooooooo, you had to talk me into Biden." [Dirty look towards Axelrod]
[Axelrod] "Bayh's a stiff! He's got less personality than McCain, and I never thought that was possible."
[Obama] "He may be a stiff, but remember, 'dead men tell no tales.' He would've just been silent and stayed out of the way, unlike your Biden. Enough of this, I'm ready for some good news for a change." [Obama clicks over to al-Jazeera]
[Arabic dialog on the TV - understood by Obama, but gibberish to the rest. Biden's face appears on screen] "The Iraqis need to step up. This failure to reach reconciliation, the ongoing violence, the sectarian strife needs to come to an end, or this administration will be forced to barge into a sovereign country and put our foot down. We won't put up with this."
[Iraqi PM Maliki speaking, subtitled in English] "Biden is an ass. His observations are woefully out-of-date. He speaks of a situation that was resolved years ago. Seriously, the big cities of my country are safer than the big cities in America. I question Biden's mental health, and Allah willing, I will strike Biden's mouth with a closed fist. I also question, you, President Obama" [Maliki leans in close to camera] "Why do you tolerate this fool in your administration?"
[Obama, disgusted] "OK, you know things are going poorly when even my al-Jazeera coverage is negative." [Flipping through rolodex, stopping at Biden's number, dialing it.] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you to accomplish. Please get down here right away." [Hangs up] "OK, guys, he'll be here in about 5 minutes. That means we have about 5 minutes to come up with a crucial administration policy for Joe to head up. Think 'Hillary and healthcare reform' from about 15 years ago. Start thinking.'
[greggycraig] "We could put him in charge of energy independence"
[Obama] "Hmmm... Maybe... Actually... NO! [Fierce look on Obama] "He openly differed with me regarding coal usage!"
[Ram E.] "We could make him Climate Czar. Since nobody takes Al Gore seriously anymore, maybe we should pass that torch to Joe."
[Obama] "If we pass a torch to Joe we'll all end up in the burn ward."
[Axelrod] "We could put him in charge of the Special Olympics"
[Obama] "Tell me more - but hurry, he'll be here in about a minute!"
[Axelrod] "It's in Idaho this year. That's about all I know. Not like I've ever been to Idaho. Not like I'll ever go to Idaho. Not like I want to have anything to do with special needs kids. Geez, I'm getting nauseated just thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of right-wing Idaho hicks and their inbred kids."
[Obama] "Now that's an idea I can work with. Let's send Joe to Idaho on an EX-TEN-DED stay to tackle this issue!" [Obama's cronies laughing and nodding]
[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! It must be a real important, this whateveritis you want me to go do, since it is so rare that we're all in the same room together."
[Obama] "NORAD assures me that there are no meteors inbound on our location at the moment, so we should be OK for now. But to be safe, we should keep this short."
[Axelrod, putting down drink, tensing up]
[Biden] "Yeah, no kiddin'! The way that fossil Pelosi, I mean, if she ever became President..."
[Axelrod] "Gah!" [Clutches head before collapsing]
[Biden] "As I was saying, about how Pelosi is running the House. Speaking of House, isn't that a weird name for a TV show about a doctor? And NORAD, don't get me started, but I heard they actually let Canadians in there, too. Are we like, allies or something, with Canada? Somebody told me that Canadian radar watches for nuclear missiles coming over the pole from Russia, and they watch the little radar blippy things down here in Colorado. What's the matter with those Canucks? They can build a radar that can see all the way to Russia, but they can't build their own radar displays. And how can Sarah Palin see Russia from her house, and the Canadians can also see Russia from like thousands of miles away, but Alaska and Canada are neighbors? I don't think Palin was being completely truthful. I know Russia is kinda big, but I oh, I get it now. That's how NORAD is able to track Santa every Christmas - without Canadian radar watching the North Pole we'd never know when Santa takes off. I guess those Canadians are good for something after all. Do the igloos up there have chimneys for Santa, or is it more of an icehole? Hey, I kicked Santa in the icehole!" [Biden laughing at his joke]
[Obama] "Joe, you've already caused Axelrod to have another stroke. Let's get down to business. This year the Special Olympics Winter Games are being held in Boise, Idaho. As you may recall, but probably don't, Sarah Palin made some blatant panders to the special needs community during our campaign. It was very cruel of her to do so, because those people, being special needs types, lacked the discernment to see through her deplorable campaign rhetoric."
[Biden] "Oh, I know, it's distasteful. So you want me to go to Idaho and set the record straight."
[Obama] "Yes. Palin thinks she has locked up that voting bloc. It is your task to win them back to our side. The next presidential election isn't for about 45 months, but we can't rest on our laurels. Head to Idaho, and take as long as you need to convince those voters that Palin is evil."
[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!" [Biden exits]
[Ram E. gathers the drink from Axelrod's still-clenched drink-holding hand and splashes some of the liquid on Axelrod's face]
[Obama] "Axe, wake up! Biden's on his way to Idaho. It's safe now."
[Axelrod, groggy] "Dat. wuzzn't. an. act... Just. being. in. a. confined. space. with. that. man. and. breathing. from. the. same. air. makes. my. brain. itch. and. then. I. pass. out."
-------------------------
[Announcer] "Thank you, Boise, for hosting this wonderful event" [Crowd cheers] "I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden is here to lend his support!" [Audience members look at each other, unsure whether to be excited or not. Smattering of intermittent applause]
[Biden] "Let the games begin!" [Kids cheer and dash off in various directions, towards their events]
Evening falls, events wind down, kids and families reassemble for the awards ceremony. Most kids are happy, a few are disappointed that they didn't perform as well as hoped. The announcer reads names and scores, while Biden presents trophies and ribbons.
[Biden, goodnaturedly] "Nice job, kid. It's lucky for you that tackle football isn't one of the winter games. I'd have come down there and stomped you into the mud!" [Biden rubs kid on top of head in a friendly manner]
[Kid] "Think so?" [Kid winds up and kicks Biden in shin, bulky corrective shoe maximizing the painful effect] [Biden winces in pain, leans over, grabs shin. Kid bonks Biden on back of head with trophy and exits]
[Announcer] "Thank you families, thank you kids for a great event. That's it for the awards. We're just about done. VP Biden has just a few words for us before we go."
[Biden, eyes still a bit watery from the pain he endured a few minutes prior] "Folks, I'd just like to remind you how important you all are to the
[Loud cheers from crowd] [Biden surprised by the crowd's change of mood] "Yeah, I'm gonna bomb Iran and save your kids from the Wolfkiller of the Great White North!"
[Crowd louder still. Biden doesn't see that Sarah Palin is sneaking up behind him, but crowd is all over it.]
[Sarah Palin, grabbing microphone away from Biden] "Say it ain't so, Joe!"
[Biden, shrieking] "Nooooo! Please don't shoot me with a moose rifle!"
[Palin] "Of course not, Joe. I have other things in mind." [Cracks knuckles]
[Biden, dropping to his knees] "Why have you come here? Is it only to embarrass me further?"
[Palin] "Naw, Joe. I was born in Idaho and went to college in Idaho. Idaho is kind of like my version of Scranton. So when I heard all these great kids were going to be here, of course I had to be here for it."
[Biden, still kneeling, clasps hands as if in prayer] "Mercy, please!"
[Palin feigns knee to Biden's solar plexus, stops just short of hitting him] [Biden flinches, coughs up small amount of saliva onto lapel of his expensive suit.]
-------------
Later that evening...
[Obama on phone to Biden] "How did it go?"
[Biden] "Well, I got beat up my a middle schooler and Sarah Palin showed up and totally derailed my attempts at smear tactics."
[Obama] "Setbacks are to be expected, Joe. Stay in Idaho and keep trying. I'll be in touch..."
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Amerika barry good? Not sure.
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 [you know the drill by now]
------------------------
Part 6
President Obama paced about the Oval Office, fingers on chin, with a pensive look about him. Surrounded by his most loyal advisors and confidants, none dared break the silence. Events of the week had borne heavily on their leader, and his anxieties were leaking over onto his staff. Gone was the jubilance of January. The Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter, an apt metaphor for the drear about the room.
[Obama, quietly] "I look bad because of Daschle. I look bad because of Killefer and Sims. [Sniff] My Stimulus To End All Stimuli isn't well-received. They're having to fly in Kennedy just to try to get enough votes to pass cloture. Just a week ago everybody loved me! Now I can't even get the squishy RINOs to waste money! How could it all go so wrong so soon?"
[Ram E.] "Sire, um, it's always darkest befo.."
[Obama] "Oh, great! Even my Chief of Staff thinks it is a racial issue!"
[Ram E.] "Not at all, sire! Those vile republicans know they are no match for your greatness! They cower before your approval ratings! They reel at your masterful oratory! This is their last, vain attempt at derailing you, but already we've turned Senators Collins and Specter, and Snowe and Martinez are wavering! Soon all will again seek photo-ops with you!"
[Obama, shrugging] "I used to think so... Now... I just don't know..."
[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! How's it all goin' ? Have you heard about KFC's new hot wings that don't need any sauce to be hot? Is that crazy or what? They say the hot is like cooked into the batter or something. Weird. And I can't figure out why they call them Buffalo Wings. Makes people think they're from Buffalo, ya know, where the Bills play and it snows a lot. How could they make hot wings in such a cold place? Am I the only one who realizes this? I know my IQ is higher than just about anybody's but c'mon! I think the whole thing is just a marketing scam. Mr. President, does your stimulus package include anything for investigating marketing scams? Duh. [Facepalm gesture] Stupid question. Your stimulus package has funding for just about everything! And that '5 dollar foot-long' crud from Subway! Doesn't Subway understand sales tax? Do ya really think they'd have a national ad campaign only to sell sammiches in places like OrreGAHN that don't have a sales tax? C'mon! They're either rippin' people off with the ol' bait-n-switch 'Sir, your 5 dollar sandwich comes to $5.78' junk, or they're cheating on their taxes! Speaking of which, maybe you should nominate them to be in your Cabinet! [SnortLOL from Biden laughing at his own joke] Why's everybody so glum? Am I talking too much?"
[Obama] "Yes, Joe, you're talking too much. Someone as smart as you shouldn't even need to ask that question. But the real reason for our dour mood is the multiple hardships this administration has faced in not even three weeks of governance. I've gone my whole life with things being handed to me on a silver platter. I've never had to pace around the room worrying about whether people love me - until now. This presidency thing just might be above my pay grade."
[Biden] "Whenever I have a bout of doubt, oh, hey, 'bout of doubt.' Heh. I could be a rap star! But seriously, there's nothing like a road trip with the guys to enliven the spirit. Ya know, reminiscing about the good ol' days, whistlin' out the car window at the girls, that kind of stuff. I always feel way better after I get out of the car at the end of a nice long road trip.
[Obama] "I'm sure the other passengers in the car also felt much better after you got out at the end of a long road trip. But it is a good idea, Joe. I think I'll take your advice for once."
[Biden] "ROAD TRIP!!! WooHoo! Where are we going?"
[Axelrod, sipping a martini, under his breath] "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no."
[Obama] "Sorry, Joe. It is just too dangerous for us to travel together. If there were, God forbid, some kind of tragedy like a car wreck that killed us both, according to the Constituti..."
[Biden, interrupting] "President Pelosi"
[Axelrod, coughing violently, briefly choking] "Guys! I'm trying to have a drink, here, and you have to mention her? I just coughed a little bit of olive out my nose! That hurt!"
[Obama] "Yes, Joe. That's why we'll never, ever, ever be able to travel together. In fact, we should even try to avoid being in the same room, in case of a meteor strike or something."
[Axelrod, between sips of martini] "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
[Biden, standing tall, like the soldier at attention that he never was because of lame medical deferments during Vietnam] "Mr. President, enjoy your trip. I shall rule in your stead with evenhandedness and wisdom."
[Obama] "Yeah, Joe, whatevs. Just don't break anything valuable"
[Ram E.] "Sire, I've summoned the heavily armored presidential SUV for the trip."
[Obama] "Thanks, Ram, but not this time. Tell them to warm up Air Force One!"
---------------------
[Obama walking the tarmac towards Air Force One, surrounded by Axelrod, greggycraig, Ram and CIA director-designate Leon Panetta and a security detail. Reporters crowd around, snapping photos like paparazzi at a celebrity drug rehab center]
[reporter] "Mr. President, where are you headed? Might you be going to the Middle East to bring Peace To All Men?"
[Obama] "Sorry, our itinerary is classified."
[reporter] "Sir, I see that none of your wives are travelling with you."
[Obama, angrily] "Listen, I only have ONE wife. K? I might be a cryptomuslim, but I DO NOT have a harem. Michelle would run me over with a zamboni if she ever thought I had another wife or two."
[reporter] "Sorry, sir. I meant that you're travelling with much of your inner circle, but neither your wife nor any of your assistants' wives appear to be making the trip."
[Panetta makes silent eye-contact with a member of the security detail. The agent turns and heads directly towards the reporter and beats him mercilessly]
[Obama and entourage nearing the stairway up to Air Force One]
[Obama] "Ha, ha! SHOTGUN!"
[Security detail springs into action. Four agents tackle Obama and crew, smothering them with their own bodies to protect the president from shotgun fire. Remaining agents pull concealed UZIs out of their jackets and hose down the row of reporters with sustained full-auto fire.]
[Obama] "Uhh. Um. I meant I was calling 'shotguhhhh' [catches himself before uttering 'shotgun' again] OK? I'm NOT saying there's a weapon aimed at me! I'm just saying I call front seat in the plane!" [Obama, pulls out cell phone] "Gibbs, things just got a little weird down here at the airstrip. There are going to be some awkward questions." [pause] "Yeah, even worse than the other day with Jake Tapper from ABC News. But I know you can handle it and put the right spin on it. You're the best press secretary in the history of forever." [hanging up phone] "Let's go!"
--------------
I can possibly be convinced to continue...
P.S. If that "Jake Tapper from ABC" doesn't sound familiar, watch the vid at the link. It'll make ya smile.
------------------------
Part 6
President Obama paced about the Oval Office, fingers on chin, with a pensive look about him. Surrounded by his most loyal advisors and confidants, none dared break the silence. Events of the week had borne heavily on their leader, and his anxieties were leaking over onto his staff. Gone was the jubilance of January. The Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter, an apt metaphor for the drear about the room.
[Obama, quietly] "I look bad because of Daschle. I look bad because of Killefer and Sims. [Sniff] My Stimulus To End All Stimuli isn't well-received. They're having to fly in Kennedy just to try to get enough votes to pass cloture. Just a week ago everybody loved me! Now I can't even get the squishy RINOs to waste money! How could it all go so wrong so soon?"
[Ram E.] "Sire, um, it's always darkest befo.."
[Obama] "Oh, great! Even my Chief of Staff thinks it is a racial issue!"
[Ram E.] "Not at all, sire! Those vile republicans know they are no match for your greatness! They cower before your approval ratings! They reel at your masterful oratory! This is their last, vain attempt at derailing you, but already we've turned Senators Collins and Specter, and Snowe and Martinez are wavering! Soon all will again seek photo-ops with you!"
[Obama, shrugging] "I used to think so... Now... I just don't know..."
[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! How's it all goin' ? Have you heard about KFC's new hot wings that don't need any sauce to be hot? Is that crazy or what? They say the hot is like cooked into the batter or something. Weird. And I can't figure out why they call them Buffalo Wings. Makes people think they're from Buffalo, ya know, where the Bills play and it snows a lot. How could they make hot wings in such a cold place? Am I the only one who realizes this? I know my IQ is higher than just about anybody's but c'mon! I think the whole thing is just a marketing scam. Mr. President, does your stimulus package include anything for investigating marketing scams? Duh. [Facepalm gesture] Stupid question. Your stimulus package has funding for just about everything! And that '5 dollar foot-long' crud from Subway! Doesn't Subway understand sales tax? Do ya really think they'd have a national ad campaign only to sell sammiches in places like OrreGAHN that don't have a sales tax? C'mon! They're either rippin' people off with the ol' bait-n-switch 'Sir, your 5 dollar sandwich comes to $5.78' junk, or they're cheating on their taxes! Speaking of which, maybe you should nominate them to be in your Cabinet! [SnortLOL from Biden laughing at his own joke] Why's everybody so glum? Am I talking too much?"
[Obama] "Yes, Joe, you're talking too much. Someone as smart as you shouldn't even need to ask that question. But the real reason for our dour mood is the multiple hardships this administration has faced in not even three weeks of governance. I've gone my whole life with things being handed to me on a silver platter. I've never had to pace around the room worrying about whether people love me - until now. This presidency thing just might be above my pay grade."
[Biden] "Whenever I have a bout of doubt, oh, hey, 'bout of doubt.' Heh. I could be a rap star! But seriously, there's nothing like a road trip with the guys to enliven the spirit. Ya know, reminiscing about the good ol' days, whistlin' out the car window at the girls, that kind of stuff. I always feel way better after I get out of the car at the end of a nice long road trip.
[Obama] "I'm sure the other passengers in the car also felt much better after you got out at the end of a long road trip. But it is a good idea, Joe. I think I'll take your advice for once."
[Biden] "ROAD TRIP!!! WooHoo! Where are we going?"
[Axelrod, sipping a martini, under his breath] "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no."
[Obama] "Sorry, Joe. It is just too dangerous for us to travel together. If there were, God forbid, some kind of tragedy like a car wreck that killed us both, according to the Constituti..."
[Biden, interrupting] "President Pelosi"
[Axelrod, coughing violently, briefly choking] "Guys! I'm trying to have a drink, here, and you have to mention her? I just coughed a little bit of olive out my nose! That hurt!"
[Obama] "Yes, Joe. That's why we'll never, ever, ever be able to travel together. In fact, we should even try to avoid being in the same room, in case of a meteor strike or something."
[Axelrod, between sips of martini] "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
[Biden, standing tall, like the soldier at attention that he never was because of lame medical deferments during Vietnam] "Mr. President, enjoy your trip. I shall rule in your stead with evenhandedness and wisdom."
[Obama] "Yeah, Joe, whatevs. Just don't break anything valuable"
[Ram E.] "Sire, I've summoned the heavily armored presidential SUV for the trip."
[Obama] "Thanks, Ram, but not this time. Tell them to warm up Air Force One!"
---------------------
[Obama walking the tarmac towards Air Force One, surrounded by Axelrod, greggycraig, Ram and CIA director-designate Leon Panetta and a security detail. Reporters crowd around, snapping photos like paparazzi at a celebrity drug rehab center]
[reporter] "Mr. President, where are you headed? Might you be going to the Middle East to bring Peace To All Men?"
[Obama] "Sorry, our itinerary is classified."
[reporter] "Sir, I see that none of your wives are travelling with you."
[Obama, angrily] "Listen, I only have ONE wife. K? I might be a cryptomuslim, but I DO NOT have a harem. Michelle would run me over with a zamboni if she ever thought I had another wife or two."
[reporter] "Sorry, sir. I meant that you're travelling with much of your inner circle, but neither your wife nor any of your assistants' wives appear to be making the trip."
[Panetta makes silent eye-contact with a member of the security detail. The agent turns and heads directly towards the reporter and beats him mercilessly]
[Obama and entourage nearing the stairway up to Air Force One]
[Obama] "Ha, ha! SHOTGUN!"
[Security detail springs into action. Four agents tackle Obama and crew, smothering them with their own bodies to protect the president from shotgun fire. Remaining agents pull concealed UZIs out of their jackets and hose down the row of reporters with sustained full-auto fire.]
[Obama] "Uhh. Um. I meant I was calling 'shotguhhhh' [catches himself before uttering 'shotgun' again] OK? I'm NOT saying there's a weapon aimed at me! I'm just saying I call front seat in the plane!" [Obama, pulls out cell phone] "Gibbs, things just got a little weird down here at the airstrip. There are going to be some awkward questions." [pause] "Yeah, even worse than the other day with Jake Tapper from ABC News. But I know you can handle it and put the right spin on it. You're the best press secretary in the history of forever." [hanging up phone] "Let's go!"
--------------
I can possibly be convinced to continue...
P.S. If that "Jake Tapper from ABC" doesn't sound familiar, watch the vid at the link. It'll make ya smile.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Obama Obad hair day week!
Wow. It's only Wednesday, and the madness in DC is almost overwhelming. Like JFK's death or the Challenger explosion, someday my grandkids are going to ask "where were you the week Obama ruined the country forever?" I need to stop and review because things've gone buck-nutty.
Domestic probs:
International probs:
Domestic probs:
- Daschle tax problems - out of the running for Sec HHS
- Killefer tax problems - out of the running for Chief Performance Officer
- Sims scandals - this one just came up today - details pending
Nevermind - he is black - everything's OK and I'm a racist for even mentioning it but he appears to be a major crook and partially responsible for "Gov Gregoire" instead of "Gov Rossi" in Washington state. - "Stimulus" losing appeal and may go down in flames. More and more people are hearing about all the junk in it and saying "no thanks."
International probs:
- Iran launches satellite into orbit - a rocket that can put a satellite into space is also handy for lobbing nukes at people. Thankfully "outer space" is a much larger target than, say, "Jerusalem." But betting on your enemy's missiles having poor guidance isn't much of a strategy.
- North Korea announces new missile - This one could hit the western US. Yay!
- Russia says "up yours!" to Obama - Russia convinces Kyrgyzstan to kick us out, preventing us from using a base there - one of our main supply lines for the war in Afghanistan. If we can't effectively fight the Taliban and they reassert themselves and go on to hassle Russia (Mohammedans have a long memory of real and perceived wrongs against them) I'll try not to laugh in Putin's face about it.
- India says "up yours!" to Obama regarding Kashmir - That disputed area that Pakistan and India go to war over once in a while. Read FT at the link. You know things aren't going so well when a supposed ally calls you a 'monkey'
- Canada and EU say "up yours!" to Obama's "Buy American" policy. Obama originally wanted this included in the stimulus - that steel, concrete, etc, used in infrastructure projects would be domestically produced, so the House included it in the version they passed the other day. Then our supposed allies start freaking out and warning that it will lead to a trade war if we don't consider buying our stuff from elsewhere. Dunno where I stand on this one - I don't like protectionism, but I do like irritating the socialists in the EU. Prez Obeyme now finds himself with the unions that make things like steel pulling him one direction, and whiny international socialists pulling him the other. Better him than me.
Seriously, all this has happened in just the last few days, and the week isn't even over yet.
_____________________
UPDATE: 'Nuther Day, 'Nuther Dodger!
Tax cheat du jour is Hilda Solis. Obama doesn't disappoint - there's something screwy in his administration daily. Will the last honest democrat please stand up, please stand up?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Obama exempt from own rules
To much fanfare, president Obeyme issued several Executive Orders in his first few days of office. One of them called for strict rules regarding lobbyists - that they couldn't serve in his administration, nor could former administration officials become lobbyists until Obama's administration is ended. Next thing you know, he's issuing exemptions to his own rules. Many exemptions.
1 is an anomaly
2 is a coincidence
3 is a pattern
17 is, um, what, exactly?
He's only been in office for 13 days.
1 is an anomaly
2 is a coincidence
3 is a pattern
17 is, um, what, exactly?
He's only been in office for 13 days.
Amerika still mostly barry good
Previous: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 (If you read them out of order, they'll make no sense at all. If you read them in order, well, um, there's no guarantee that way, either)
-----------------------------------------
Part 5
[Elderly reporter] "Mr. President, is it true that you are expanding the Rendition practice of 'outsourcing torture' as a way of getting information from enemy combatants?"
[Obama] "What the heck? Are you from Fox News or something asking me a question like that! This is going to be a short* conference if those are the kinds of questions you want to ask. I'd really rather talk about my bold prediction that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. "
[Elderly reporter] "Sir, it is being reported that this is the case. Most of us are having a hard time believing it. Since you were such a wuss regarding Gitmo, we really expect you'll do the same thing with the rendition practice."
[Obama, rolling up shirt sleeves] "Oh, so now I'm a wuss?" [growing more angry] "Step up here and say that again! I dare you! I might be small, and weigh less than my wife's left leg, but all 97 lbs of me is pure fight!"
[Elderly reprterr] "That's easy to say when you're surrounded by Secret Service, ya wuss!"
[Obama, raging. Tries to lift podium, fails. Tries to lift teleprompter, fails. Tries to lift folding metal chair, mostly fails. Frantic glances around room, searching for something he can lift]
"Grrraagggh!" [Removes shoe, thows it weakly in general direction of reporter]
[Elderly reporter] "Ha! Nice shovel pass, Alice! You throw about as good as you bowl! If you could throw a show like you throw a fit, maybe I'd have reason to worry!"
[Obama, regaining composure] "Seize him!"
[Elderly reporter, dashing towards door with surprising dexterity, finds all exits blocked by large, intimidating men] "Please, please, whatever you do, don't do a rendition on me!"
[Obama, with devilish grin] "You'll get a rendition, alright. I can't wait for the results. My friends in that little Turkish village can be very persuasive. Your screams shall be playing in my iPod for years to come! Bwaahaahaahaaa!"
---------------------------
-----------------------------------------
Part 5
[Senior Advisor David Axelrod catching up with distraught Obama] "Hey, I was trying to tell you that not all the news is bad. First off, we've just about convinced Judd Gregg to be Secretary of Commerce. He's from..."
[Obama, head-tilted like a confused puppy, interrupting] "But greggycraig is already in my administration as White House Counsel."
[Axelrod] " 'Bams, that weed is making you dopey! I'm talking about Senator Gregg"
[Obama, more confused] "Buuuhhh, isn't he a republican? Aren't we supposed to be exterminating republicans?"
[Axelrod] "A republican from New Hampshire, 'Bams. He's almost as liberal as you, man. Then the dem governor of NH can appoint a replacement, and we'll have that filibuster-proof majority in the Senate! Besides, like, what good is the Commerce Secretary, anyway? You were gonna give to that zitpicker Richardson guy. One token republican in a useless department isn't so bad."
[Obama, starstruck with himself] "Yeah... yeah! I can take Gregg up on the stage with me and dangle him in front of the media. Then I'll give a memorable speech that nobody remembers, full of soaring rhetoric about post-partisanship. My approval ratings alllllllwaaaaays climb after I give a long, meaningless speech. Axe, you are a genius!"
------------------------------
Later that afternoon...
[Obama shooting hoops by himself in the Presidential Gym, talking to imaginary opponent] "Think ya can guard me? Watch THIS! [decent crossover dribble, drive to unguarded basket, layup] "Hah!" [Chest thump] "You can't stop me!"
[Ram E. enters] "Sire, the news conference is in half an hour."
[Obama] "Ram, do you think I 'got game'?"
[Ram] "Absolutely, m'lord. You've more game in you than Sarah Palin has in her freezer."
[Obama] "Uhh-huh! That's what I'm sayin'! Well, I guess happyfuntime is over and I have to go act presidential for a while."
-------------------------------
[White House, Obama holding press conference][Elderly reporter] "Mr. President, is it true that you are expanding the Rendition practice of 'outsourcing torture' as a way of getting information from enemy combatants?"
[Obama] "What the heck? Are you from Fox News or something asking me a question like that! This is going to be a short* conference if those are the kinds of questions you want to ask. I'd really rather talk about my bold prediction that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. "
[Elderly reporter] "Sir, it is being reported that this is the case. Most of us are having a hard time believing it. Since you were such a wuss regarding Gitmo, we really expect you'll do the same thing with the rendition practice."
[Obama, rolling up shirt sleeves] "Oh, so now I'm a wuss?" [growing more angry] "Step up here and say that again! I dare you! I might be small, and weigh less than my wife's left leg, but all 97 lbs of me is pure fight!"
[Elderly reprterr] "That's easy to say when you're surrounded by Secret Service, ya wuss!"
[Obama, raging. Tries to lift podium, fails. Tries to lift teleprompter, fails. Tries to lift folding metal chair, mostly fails. Frantic glances around room, searching for something he can lift]
"Grrraagggh!" [Removes shoe, thows it weakly in general direction of reporter]
[Elderly reporter] "Ha! Nice shovel pass, Alice! You throw about as good as you bowl! If you could throw a show like you throw a fit, maybe I'd have reason to worry!"
[Obama, regaining composure] "Seize him!"
[Elderly reporter, dashing towards door with surprising dexterity, finds all exits blocked by large, intimidating men] "Please, please, whatever you do, don't do a rendition on me!"
[Obama, with devilish grin] "You'll get a rendition, alright. I can't wait for the results. My friends in that little Turkish village can be very persuasive. Your screams shall be playing in my iPod for years to come! Bwaahaahaahaaa!"
---------------------------
[USAF C-17 over the Atlantic en route to Baghdad]
[radio voice] "Adjust course for Ankara International Airport. By orders of the president himself."
[pilot] "Aye, aye. Ankara International."
[in cargo area of C-17, between pallets of MREs, frustrated CIA rookie struggles to break the will of old man tied to seat] "Sir, we've tried all the usual methods, but he has resisted thus far."
[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Well, old man, you seem vaguely familiar. No worries, I won't let it interfere with my work." [Slaps elderly reporter across face] "What the heck?" [Grabs elderly reporter by the face and peels off latex mask.] "Bill!?! Is that you?!"
[Former CIA director William Casey] "Yeah, Dan. It's me. I faked my death in 1987 so I could better infiltrate the Soviet Union and singlehandedly bring down the Evil Empire. Since then I've been spending my days in quiet retirement, but it is ever more evident that my country needs me again. So I insulted The One and mocked his intelligence policy, confident that it would land me right in the hands of the intelligence community I once led. So far, so good."
[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Why is a mouse when it spins?"
[Casey] "Brussel sprouts at twilight."
[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Wow, it is you. This is amazing!"
-----------------
to be continued...
---------------------------
Friday, January 30, 2009
Amerika still barry barry good
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 (This is a carefully crafted saga. Reading the parts in correct order preserves the full awesomeness. Plus, part 4 kinda stinks - if you read it first you might not bother with the other parts which would be a big mistake!)
------------------------
Part 4
[Obama shouting to crowd of reporters] "I can't believe you people out here in DC, freaking out about a little bit of snow. See, I can walk around in this weather in my shirtsleeves, because I have that special flinty Chicago toughness! What you're seeing right now is the flinty toughness I'll use to stare down Russian President Michael Medvededeveded, his buddy Putin and of course Achmedinejad. In fact I won't be surprised to see bin Laden coming out of his frozen cave saying 'So Cold! I geeve up! I no can match flinty toughness of new infidel president.' C'mon, people! It's just snow and sleet!"
[Gawking crowd of frigid reporters marvels at The One] "Wow, even the seasons are subject to his awsomeness!"
[Obama finds door to White House, enters, shivering convulsively] "Holy Crap-a-roni! I'm freezing! Turn up the thermostat, NOW!"
[Anonymous Staffer] "Yes, m'lord. Right away."
"Special Delivery from FedEx for President Obama!"
[Obama, signing electronic FedEx clipboard thingy] "Oh, goody! My stickers already came!"
[Ram E.] "Sire, it is so good to see the delight on your face. If I'd known you so enjoyed stickers, I'd have ordered more of them for you."
[Obama, raising arm to backhand Ram, Ram ducking] "I'm sick of your mockery. That was very embarrassing for me the other day when I got locked out on the porch. It was also VERY cold and I don't like being cold. So I ordered up some stickers to put on the windows."
[Ram E.] "Oh, no, sire! That wasn't intended as mockery. We just a bunch of 'yes men' who like to see you happy!"
------------------------
Part 4
[Obama shouting to crowd of reporters] "I can't believe you people out here in DC, freaking out about a little bit of snow. See, I can walk around in this weather in my shirtsleeves, because I have that special flinty Chicago toughness! What you're seeing right now is the flinty toughness I'll use to stare down Russian President Michael Medvededeveded, his buddy Putin and of course Achmedinejad. In fact I won't be surprised to see bin Laden coming out of his frozen cave saying 'So Cold! I geeve up! I no can match flinty toughness of new infidel president.' C'mon, people! It's just snow and sleet!"
[Gawking crowd of frigid reporters marvels at The One] "Wow, even the seasons are subject to his awsomeness!"
[Obama finds door to White House, enters, shivering convulsively] "Holy Crap-a-roni! I'm freezing! Turn up the thermostat, NOW!"
[Anonymous Staffer] "Yes, m'lord. Right away."
"Special Delivery from FedEx for President Obama!"
[Obama, signing electronic FedEx clipboard thingy] "Oh, goody! My stickers already came!"
[Ram E.] "Sire, it is so good to see the delight on your face. If I'd known you so enjoyed stickers, I'd have ordered more of them for you."
[Obama, raising arm to backhand Ram, Ram ducking] "I'm sick of your mockery. That was very embarrassing for me the other day when I got locked out on the porch. It was also VERY cold and I don't like being cold. So I ordered up some stickers to put on the windows."
[Ram E.] "Oh, no, sire! That wasn't intended as mockery. We just a bunch of 'yes men' who like to see you happy!"
[Obama, fumbling with a sticker] "See how it is transparent and the bottom half is backwards? That means that no matter what side of the window I'm on, I'll be able to read at least half of it. The right-wingers will never again be able to laugh at me getting lost on the porch, scratching at the window like a lunatic."
[Ram E.] "Sire, that is magnificent! Such forethought! Such problem-solving skills and initiative!"
[Obama] "Hey, anonymous disposable intern, put one of these on every window in this entire White House. Then go outside in the cold and make sure they're straight and easily read."
[Anonymous intern, clicking heels] "Aye, master!"
[Axelrod enters] "Yoish! It's roasting in here. 'Bams, I know you're from hot places like Hawaii, Kenya and Indonesia, but wow, man!
[Obama] "Don't forget about when I was younger and I traveled to Pakistan illegally on my Indonesian passport!"
[Axelrod] "Yeah, there, too! But really, 'Bams, You could grow orchids in here!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I could grow orchids. I could grow other stuff, too." [playful gestures of smoking a bong hit] "I'm just really thankful that my minions are so willing to turn down their thermostats, offsetting my prodigious carbon bootprint. If they ever thought to look past my blantant hypocrisy, I don't know what I'd do. So how's it going with our stimulus package?"
[Axelrod] "We got Pelosi to pull some of the most divisive junk out of it, be we still couldn't get one single republican to go along. In fact, 11 dems voted no. We're hoping to do better in the Senate, where we have McCain and Grahamnesty to marshall the RINOs to our side."
[Obama, jaw and fists clenched] "How dare they oppose my stimulus! I am The One!"
[Axelrod] "Their logic is that this is horrible legislation, and when it completely fails, they can go on TV and say 'Neener-neener!! We didn't vote for it! In 2010 all ur congressional seats r belong 2 us!"
[Obama, tearing shirt] "NOOOOOOOOOO!" [Runs down the hallway, flipping over endtables and a lamp]
[Axelrod] "Bams! Wait! There is other news, and it is very good! Come back!"
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