Monday, January 26, 2009

Amerika barry barry good to me, continued...

Part 1 (for those who struggle with chronological order)

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Part 2

As President Obama finished his warm-up dance, a maid arrives with the carton of Newports.
"Phew. That was some vigorous dancing. Don't think I really need any weightroom work today after all that. You guys have seen my pecs, right? So then of course you agree I don't really need to lift."

"Yes, sire. You are built like a pro wrestler, but without that artificial steroidy look."

"Thanks for noticing. Hey, Ram & greggycraig, let's go outside and have us a smoke or two."

[both]"Lovely idea, m'lord."

Out on the balcony, the three light up. The President leans casually against the handrail.

[greggycraig]"Sire, forgive me, but as White House Counsel, I must advise you that you are less than the mandated 10' distance from the door. Some of your smoke might waft inside. Our friends in the Trial Lawyer industry claim this can be deadly, and potentially actionable in court."

[Obama, looking disinterested but feigning interest] "Greggycraig, I truly appreciate your concern and all that you do for me. But I'll remind you this One.Last.Time. - I Won. That trumps the law. And even if I were constrained by laws, I'll also remind you that I'm a Constitutional Scholar, a former editor of the Harvard Law Review. If some Trial Lawyer dared to sue me, I'd represent myself." [Sinister grin] "Yessssssss, I'd love to meet the lawyer who would dare to face me!"

As the three were enjoying the brisk winter air, VP Biden strolls onto the balcony. "Hey guys. How's it goin'?"

[Ram] "We were having a pleasant break from the stresses of running the country."

[Biden] "Think I'll join you. Being VP is harder than I thought. Maybe I should have taken that SecState offer. " [Nodding towards Obama] "That way I'd be in foreign countries most of the time and my interpreters could translate for me in ways that make me seem less stupid. But the VP doesn't have much to do except appear on talk shows. Talk shows. You guys know how I love to talk. That's why I was perfect as a Senator, ya know. But it is really hard to keep myself and my wife from saying too much or even giving away state secrets. 'Cuz ya know, once I get rollin'... Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was on TV with..."

[Ram] "Yes, Joe. Repeatedly."

[Obama] "Enough of your nonsense! The air-raid killing of various people, both innocent and not, in Pockystahn is going well. But my predecessor, that fool BOOOOOOSH, allowed many to live long enough to be captured. As you know, some are now detained at Gitmo. This is troubling, as some in the world who should be admiring me are not yet. They want to see Gitmo closed. Therefore I want to see Gitmo closed - that my adoration might proceed unhindered. But what to do with the detainees?"

[Ram] "Sire, Those foolish Republicans think we should house them in Alcatraz."

[Greggycraig] "The idea isn't entirely without merit, sire. The Rock is administered by the National Park Service. They have no..."

[Biden] "What a sec. All ya gotta do is send 'em to Scranton. I'm from Scranton, so I should know. When my dad from Scranton was raising me in Scranton, he always told me 'Son, people from Scranton don't take any crap. You keep that in mind. You're from Scranton, kid.' So if the detainees behave, like everybody does in Scranton, fine. If they act up, well the people in Scranton will deal with 'em. Like I said, I'm from Scranton, so I oughta know what the people in Scranton would do if we sent to detainees to Scran..."

[Obama, Ram, greggycraig, in unison] "SHUT UP!"

[Biden leaving in a huff]

[Greggycraig] "M'lord, As I was saying, the National Park Service has very little security capability. The ranger guys with the big hats who write tickets for littering in the woods would be unable to adequately secure those vicious, vicious detainees."

[Obama] "But some of those detainees are Muslims - followers of the Religion of Peace. How dangerous can a bunch of peaceniks be?"

[Greggycraig] "Oh definitely harmless, sire. They seek only peaceful coexistence with us. But we need to paint them as being very, very, evil. That will allow you to raise a private army, answerable only to you, to secure Alcatraz. The press and the American people of course will understand that Ranger Rick is not up to the challenge by himself, and with your Superior Presidential Foresight, you recognize the need for ruthless, well-armed thugs to guard the island."

[Obama] "I like where you're going with this."

[Greggycraig] "Oh, thank you, sire. You're too kind. This personal army would be answerable only to you to prevent the inhumane treatment and torture of detainees" [wink, wink] "that has gone on under ordinary military supervision."

[Obama] "Of course you realize that my band of thugs will need to hone their thuggishness by whuppin' on detainees. Regularly and often."

[Greggycraig] "Absolutely, sire. We can't have a band of thugs who aren't skilled at brutality. And, sire, one never knows when a well-armed personal army might come in very handy!"

[Obama] "It's exactly this kind of legal counsel that makes me proud I hired you, greggy. However, you, unlike me, are a rotten liar.

[Greggycraig, cringing] "Sire? Whatever I've done, I apologize! I prostrate myself before you and beg your mercy!"

[Obama] "Ha! Sorry, um, that didn't come out right. I meant that I am an excellent liar, while you, my friend, just aren't that good at it. Therefore I'll handle this announcement. Ram, summon my legions of swooning reporters! I have a Gitmo announcement for them!"

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To be continued. If I feel like it.

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