Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A barry new sheriff in town

Warning: this post isn't very funny. I was just bored.

[Foggy Bottom, State Dept. HQ. Sec Clinton alone in office wearing diabolic grin, clutching Obama voodoo doll, cackling voice] "I WILLLLL be President someday, Barack. You've embarrassed me one too many times, Barack, and payback is a bi... no... payback is a... Hillary! Bwaahaahaa! Take that, Barack! [Clinton places doll in electric stapler] [K-thunk, staple pierces doll's abdomen]

[Obama, across town, rubs belly] "Ooof. I'm getting a tummyache. Are you sure the arugula was organic?"

[Rahm E.] "Indeed, sire! Not only that, the chicken was certified Halal -and- Free Range."

[Obama] "Weird. The only time I normally get these pains is when I accidentally eat something that was fertilized. I mean fertilized by something that came out of a bag - not something that came out of a cow."

[Clinton at Foggy Bottom, starting to sound like Gollum] "Yessss, sssooon the presidenssssy will be mine!" [Puts doll's head in stapler][K-thunk! K-thunk! K-thunk!]

[Obama, across town, rubs head] "Hey, Rahm. I just had this idea that I should give Biden a bigger role in my administration. We already named him Stimulus Czar, but you know, we can't just keep passing stimuli bills into perpetuity. I mean, we can do it for a long, long time, but sooner or later we'll have to give Joe something else to do."

[Rahm E.] "I see, sire." [Rahm trying to hide his disgust at the idea] "Marve..." [cough] "M, Muh, M-Marvelous idea, sire. Did you have something in mind?"

[Obama] "Why, yes. I think we should make Joe our Spending Sheriff. Because nobody messes with Joe. Give him a badge and people will really start to respect him. I'll announce it at our next cabinet meeting. Please have an official-looking badge engraved for him. Be sure it includes my 'O' logo, too."

[Rahm E.] "Yes, m'lord."

[Clinton, still in her office] "Yessssss...."
[Cabinet meeting a few days later]

[SecState Clinton] "Mr. President, the Brits are miffed about your handling of your meeting with
Prime Minister Brown."

[Obama, bad cockney accent] "Oh, so the limeys got their wankibits caught in their knickers? Bah! Brown is a tosspot." [normal voice] "Seriously, though: I'm having penpal diplomacy with Michael Medvedeadhead and Vladdy Putin, and it is going well. Who needs the the Brits?" "Next!"

[AG Eric Holder] "Waterboarding. Bad. Bad waterboarding."

[Obama] "Umm... Okay..." "Next!"

[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the Dow was only down about 40 today!"

[Obama] "Who cares? The stock market yoyos up and down like a tracking poll. Rahm?"

[Rahm E.] "Your approval ratings are holding steady, sire."

[Obama] "See what I mean? You should be investing in ME!"[Eyes glaze over, hands held high] "Yes! Invest in ME! I am The One!" [Snaps out of it] "Sorry. Anything else?"

[Collective silence]

[Obama] "Well then, I have an announcement. Get Joe in here."

[Axelrod] "My colitis is acting up. Pardon me." [Axelrod departs hurriedly]

[Biden] "Hey guys!" [nods toward Hillary] "and gal!" [Clinton smiles back at Joe, her fangs partially visible]

[Obama, taking badge from Rahm] "Joe, I do hereby name you Spending Sheriff! If anybody in government fails to spend up to their mandated minimums, you have authority to jail them or do anything else you see fit to do, as long as it increases spending." [Pins badge on Biden's suitjacket]

[Biden, trembling with joy] "Oh, wow! I mean WOW! You like me! You really, really like me! I can't wait to go install some lights and a siren on my car! [Obnoxious siren noises] "Woooo-woooo. Woooo-woooo." [hand gestures of spinning overhead lights] "Driver! Pull over! I need to see your license, registration and proof of obscene government spending! Oh yeah, and a Sheriff needs a gun! Thankfully I already have my trusty Beretta! Now I can wear it on my hip! I can put bullets in it, right?"

[AG Holder] "NO! Guns. Bad. Bad guns!"

[Biden] "Oh yeah? [Biden puffing up, readying for a fight] "You better not get between me and my sweet little Beretta. I have a Beretta and a badge - I'm your worst nightmare!"

[Holder and Biden in dramatic staredown, faces inches apart]

[Obama] "Break it up, break it up"

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