Thursday, February 12, 2009

That's barry special!

Obama and his entourage were gathered in the White House media room. A very large HD TV displayed Sean Hannity discussing VP Biden's claim of a 30% chance of failure in Obama's stimulus package. A somber Obama clicked the remote over to CNN. CNN analysts were likewise discussing Biden's comment. More clicks of the remote, more discussion of Biden.

[Axelrod] " 'Bams, quit worrying so much. We know the package is worse than that, so Joe is actually giving you more credit than you deserve. Cut him some slack."

[Ram E.] "Sire, Biden suggests you have a 70% chance of success! A batting average of .700 would shatter all records! Indeed, m'lord, it seems you ought to be taking pride in this moment yet you are deflated. I just don't understand."

[Obama] "No, you don't understand. I felt like I had to pick Biden to offset the republican claims that our ticket lacked experience. I wanted to pick Evan Bayh, but nooooooooo, you had to talk me into Biden." [Dirty look towards Axelrod]

[Axelrod] "Bayh's a stiff! He's got less personality than McCain, and I never thought that was possible."

[Obama] "He may be a stiff, but remember, 'dead men tell no tales.' He would've just been silent and stayed out of the way, unlike your Biden. Enough of this, I'm ready for some good news for a change." [Obama clicks over to al-Jazeera]

[Arabic dialog on the TV - understood by Obama, but gibberish to the rest. Biden's face appears on screen] "The Iraqis need to step up. This failure to reach reconciliation, the ongoing violence, the sectarian strife needs to come to an end, or this administration will be forced to barge into a sovereign country and put our foot down. We won't put up with this."

[Iraqi PM Maliki speaking, subtitled in English] "Biden is an ass. His observations are woefully out-of-date. He speaks of a situation that was resolved years ago. Seriously, the big cities of my country are safer than the big cities in America. I question Biden's mental health, and Allah willing, I will strike Biden's mouth with a closed fist. I also question, you, President Obama" [Maliki leans in close to camera] "Why do you tolerate this fool in your administration?"

[Obama, disgusted] "OK, you know things are going poorly when even my al-Jazeera coverage is negative." [Flipping through rolodex, stopping at Biden's number, dialing it.] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you to accomplish. Please get down here right away." [Hangs up] "OK, guys, he'll be here in about 5 minutes. That means we have about 5 minutes to come up with a crucial administration policy for Joe to head up. Think 'Hillary and healthcare reform' from about 15 years ago. Start thinking.'

[greggycraig] "We could put him in charge of energy independence"

[Obama] "Hmmm... Maybe... Actually... NO! [Fierce look on Obama] "He openly differed with me regarding coal usage!"

[Ram E.] "We could make him Climate Czar. Since nobody takes Al Gore seriously anymore, maybe we should pass that torch to Joe."

[Obama] "If we pass a torch to Joe we'll all end up in the burn ward."

[Axelrod] "We could put him in charge of the Special Olympics"

[Obama] "Tell me more - but hurry, he'll be here in about a minute!"

[Axelrod] "It's in Idaho this year. That's about all I know. Not like I've ever been to Idaho. Not like I'll ever go to Idaho. Not like I want to have anything to do with special needs kids. Geez, I'm getting nauseated just thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of right-wing Idaho hicks and their inbred kids."

[Obama] "Now that's an idea I can work with. Let's send Joe to Idaho on an EX-TEN-DED stay to tackle this issue!" [Obama's cronies laughing and nodding]

[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! It must be a real important, this whateveritis you want me to go do, since it is so rare that we're all in the same room together."

[Obama] "NORAD assures me that there are no meteors inbound on our location at the moment, so we should be OK for now. But to be safe, we should keep this short."

[Axelrod, putting down drink, tensing up]

[Biden] "Yeah, no kiddin'! The way that fossil Pelosi, I mean, if she ever became President..."

[Axelrod] "Gah!" [Clutches head before collapsing]

[Biden] "As I was saying, about how Pelosi is running the House. Speaking of House, isn't that a weird name for a TV show about a doctor? And NORAD, don't get me started, but I heard they actually let Canadians in there, too. Are we like, allies or something, with Canada? Somebody told me that Canadian radar watches for nuclear missiles coming over the pole from Russia, and they watch the little radar blippy things down here in Colorado. What's the matter with those Canucks? They can build a radar that can see all the way to Russia, but they can't build their own radar displays. And how can Sarah Palin see Russia from her house, and the Canadians can also see Russia from like thousands of miles away, but Alaska and Canada are neighbors? I don't think Palin was being completely truthful. I know Russia is kinda big, but I oh, I get it now. That's how NORAD is able to track Santa every Christmas - without Canadian radar watching the North Pole we'd never know when Santa takes off. I guess those Canadians are good for something after all. Do the igloos up there have chimneys for Santa, or is it more of an icehole? Hey, I kicked Santa in the icehole!" [Biden laughing at his joke]

[Obama] "Joe, you've already caused Axelrod to have another stroke. Let's get down to business. This year the Special Olympics Winter Games are being held in Boise, Idaho. As you may recall, but probably don't, Sarah Palin made some blatant panders to the special needs community during our campaign. It was very cruel of her to do so, because those people, being special needs types, lacked the discernment to see through her deplorable campaign rhetoric."

[Biden] "Oh, I know, it's distasteful. So you want me to go to Idaho and set the record straight."

[Obama] "Yes. Palin thinks she has locked up that voting bloc. It is your task to win them back to our side. The next presidential election isn't for about 45 months, but we can't rest on our laurels. Head to Idaho, and take as long as you need to convince those voters that Palin is evil."

[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!" [Biden exits]

[Ram E. gathers the drink from Axelrod's still-clenched drink-holding hand and splashes some of the liquid on Axelrod's face]

[Obama] "Axe, wake up! Biden's on his way to Idaho. It's safe now."

[Axelrod, groggy] "Dat. wuzzn't. an. act... Just. being. in. a. confined. space. with. that. man. and. breathing. from. the. same. air. makes. my. brain. itch. and. then. I. pass. out."
[Announcer] "Thank you, Boise, for hosting this wonderful event" [Crowd cheers] "I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden is here to lend his support!" [Audience members look at each other, unsure whether to be excited or not. Smattering of intermittent applause]

[Biden] "Let the games begin!" [Kids cheer and dash off in various directions, towards their events]

Evening falls, events wind down, kids and families reassemble for the awards ceremony. Most kids are happy, a few are disappointed that they didn't perform as well as hoped. The announcer reads names and scores, while Biden presents trophies and ribbons.

[Biden, goodnaturedly] "Nice job, kid. It's lucky for you that tackle football isn't one of the winter games. I'd have come down there and stomped you into the mud!" [Biden rubs kid on top of head in a friendly manner]

[Kid] "Think so?" [Kid winds up and kicks Biden in shin, bulky corrective shoe maximizing the painful effect] [Biden winces in pain, leans over, grabs shin. Kid bonks Biden on back of head with trophy and exits]

[Announcer] "Thank you families, thank you kids for a great event. That's it for the awards. We're just about done. VP Biden has just a few words for us before we go."

[Biden, eyes still a bit watery from the pain he endured a few minutes prior] "Folks, I'd just like to remind you how important you all are to the Biden I mean Obama/Biden administration. That lying liar who tells a lot of lies, yes, [snooty nasal voice with scornful look on face] Sare-ruh Pay-lin, like to appear with her special needs kid in public. Yeah, I said 'IN PUBLIC' with her special needs kid. She carries that kid around like some kind of badge of honor, and tells everyone how much she cares about special needs kids. Well, like I said, she's a lying liar." [Boos from the crowd] "Hey! I have security clearance! I've seen classified documents that show that she really wants special needs kids sent to warehouses, where she fattens them up before rendering them into lamp oil. They need the lamp oil up there 'cuz of the long, dark winters." [More boos, shaking of fists] "Oh, you don't think so? There's a lot of classified info I've seen, like about our plans to bomb Iran on St. Patrick's Day, that I can't talk about 'cuz it's classified. But if you'd seen what I've seen, you'd never vote for a republican again!"

[Loud cheers from crowd] [Biden surprised by the crowd's change of mood] "Yeah, I'm gonna bomb Iran and save your kids from the Wolfkiller of the Great White North!"

[Crowd louder still. Biden doesn't see that Sarah Palin is sneaking up behind him, but crowd is all over it.]

[Sarah Palin, grabbing microphone away from Biden] "Say it ain't so, Joe!"

[Biden, shrieking] "Nooooo! Please don't shoot me with a moose rifle!"

[Palin] "Of course not, Joe. I have other things in mind." [Cracks knuckles]

[Biden, dropping to his knees] "Why have you come here? Is it only to embarrass me further?"

[Palin] "Naw, Joe. I was born in Idaho and went to college in Idaho. Idaho is kind of like my version of Scranton. So when I heard all these great kids were going to be here, of course I had to be here for it."

[Biden, still kneeling, clasps hands as if in prayer] "Mercy, please!"

[Palin feigns knee to Biden's solar plexus, stops just short of hitting him] [Biden flinches, coughs up small amount of saliva onto lapel of his expensive suit.]
Later that evening...

[Obama on phone to Biden] "How did it go?"

[Biden] "Well, I got beat up my a middle schooler and Sarah Palin showed up and totally derailed my attempts at smear tactics."

[Obama] "Setbacks are to be expected, Joe. Stay in Idaho and keep trying. I'll be in touch..."

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