Monday, February 2, 2009

Amerika still mostly barry good

Previous: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 (If you read them out of order, they'll make no sense at all. If you read them in order, well, um, there's no guarantee that way, either)

Part 5

[Senior Advisor David Axelrod catching up with distraught Obama] "Hey, I was trying to tell you that not all the news is bad. First off, we've just about convinced Judd Gregg to be Secretary of Commerce. He's from..."

[Obama, head-tilted like a confused puppy, interrupting] "But greggycraig is already in my administration as White House Counsel."

[Axelrod] " 'Bams, that weed is making you dopey! I'm talking about Senator Gregg"

[Obama, more confused] "Buuuhhh, isn't he a republican? Aren't we supposed to be exterminating republicans?"

[Axelrod] "A republican from New Hampshire, 'Bams. He's almost as liberal as you, man. Then the dem governor of NH can appoint a replacement, and we'll have that filibuster-proof majority in the Senate! Besides, like, what good is the Commerce Secretary, anyway? You were gonna give to that zitpicker Richardson guy. One token republican in a useless department isn't so bad."

[Obama, starstruck with himself] "Yeah... yeah! I can take Gregg up on the stage with me and dangle him in front of the media. Then I'll give a memorable speech that nobody remembers, full of soaring rhetoric about post-partisanship. My approval ratings alllllllwaaaaays climb after I give a long, meaningless speech. Axe, you are a genius!"

Later that afternoon...

[Obama shooting hoops by himself in the Presidential Gym, talking to imaginary opponent] "Think ya can guard me? Watch THIS! [decent crossover dribble, drive to unguarded basket, layup] "Hah!" [Chest thump] "You can't stop me!"

[Ram E. enters] "Sire, the news conference is in half an hour."

[Obama] "Ram, do you think I 'got game'?"

[Ram] "Absolutely, m'lord. You've more game in you than Sarah Palin has in her freezer."

[Obama] "Uhh-huh! That's what I'm sayin'! Well, I guess happyfuntime is over and I have to go act presidential for a while."


[White House, Obama holding press conference]
[Elderly reporter] "Mr. President, is it true that you are expanding the Rendition practice of 'outsourcing torture' as a way of getting information from enemy combatants?"

[Obama] "What the heck? Are you from Fox News or something asking me a question like that! This is going to be a short* conference if those are the kinds of questions you want to ask. I'd really rather talk about my bold prediction that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. "

[Elderly reporter] "Sir, it is being reported that this is the case. Most of us are having a hard time believing it. Since you were such a wuss regarding Gitmo, we really expect you'll do the same thing with the rendition practice."

[Obama, rolling up shirt sleeves] "Oh, so now I'm a wuss?" [growing more angry] "Step up here and say that again! I dare you! I might be small, and weigh less than my wife's left leg, but all 97 lbs of me is pure fight!"

[Elderly reprterr] "That's easy to say when you're surrounded by Secret Service, ya wuss!"

[Obama, raging. Tries to lift podium, fails. Tries to lift teleprompter, fails. Tries to lift folding metal chair, mostly fails. Frantic glances around room, searching for something he can lift]

"Grrraagggh!" [Removes shoe, thows it weakly in general direction of reporter]

[Elderly reporter] "Ha! Nice shovel pass, Alice! You throw about as good as you bowl! If you could throw a show like you throw a fit, maybe I'd have reason to worry!"

[Obama, regaining composure] "Seize him!"

[Elderly reporter, dashing towards door with surprising dexterity, finds all exits blocked by large, intimidating men] "Please, please, whatever you do, don't do a rendition on me!"

[Obama, with devilish grin] "You'll get a rendition, alright. I can't wait for the results. My friends in that little Turkish village can be very persuasive. Your screams shall be playing in my iPod for years to come! Bwaahaahaahaaa!"

[USAF C-17 over the Atlantic en route to Baghdad]

[radio voice] "Adjust course for Ankara International Airport. By orders of the president himself."

[pilot] "Aye, aye. Ankara International."

[in cargo area of C-17, between pallets of MREs, frustrated CIA rookie struggles to break the will of old man tied to seat] "Sir, we've tried all the usual methods, but he has resisted thus far."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Well, old man, you seem vaguely familiar. No worries, I won't let it interfere with my work." [Slaps elderly reporter across face] "What the heck?" [Grabs elderly reporter by the face and peels off latex mask.] "Bill!?! Is that you?!"

[Former CIA director William Casey] "Yeah, Dan. It's me. I faked my death in 1987 so I could better infiltrate the Soviet Union and singlehandedly bring down the Evil Empire. Since then I've been spending my days in quiet retirement, but it is ever more evident that my country needs me again. So I insulted The One and mocked his intelligence policy, confident that it would land me right in the hands of the intelligence community I once led. So far, so good."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Why is a mouse when it spins?"

[Casey] "Brussel sprouts at twilight."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Wow, it is you. This is amazing!"


to be continued...


* Old news, but maybe you never heard about it.

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