Monday, March 2, 2009

One barry good month in office

[9:00am. Obama and cabinet in meeting. Various above-any-oversight "czars" and advisors also in attendance]

[Obama] "Okay, it's Monday. How's Monday treating you?"

[Rahm E.] "Sire, our, oops, I mean 'your' nominee for US Trade Representative seems to be behind on his taxes. Not as much as Geithner, but still a substantial amount."

[Obama] "Grrr! Why is it so darned hard for you to find me nominees without a bunch of baggage like scandals and tax problems? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?"

[Rahm E.] "Sire, I'm so sorry. You've directed us to seek out those who share your ideology. Such people tend to be scantly-reformed radicals from the '60s who don't like giving anything to The Man, so they fudge their taxes. I try to explain to them that now they ARE 'The Man' so it's all good, and they should get current on their obligations. Sometimes the message sinks in, other times it doesn't."

[Obama] "What does the Trade Representative do, anyway?"

[Rahm E.] "Sire, he mostly cowtows to oppressive regimes and the World Bank so that we can continue to have ready access to all the cheap crap produced overseas by our quasi-marxist brethren. He routinely negotiates multibillion dollar deals, so a few thousand in unpaid taxes seems just a pittance in comparison. And the press really doesn't care. He'll be confirmed without hassle. I ought not to have even troubled you with such a trivial problem."

[Obama] "OK. As long as I don't get hassled about it, I don't care. Good enough. Next!"

[Axelrod] "Bams, we should go with Sebelius for HHS. She's been a decent governor."

[Obama] "Has she paid her taxes!?!?!"

[Axelrod] "Dunno. Haven't thought to check. I'll get back to ya on that one."

[Obama, rolling eyes] "Great. OK, Next!"

[SecState Hillary Clinton] "The Iranians have taken an American hostage. Well, maybe 'hostage' is not quite the right word - what they've done is more like put her in prison without much of a reason. Is that more of a 'political prisoner' or is that a 'hostage?' I guess it comes down to what the definition of 'is' is."

[Obama] "You used the pronoun 'her' which surprises me."

[Clinton] "Yes, she's a former Miss North Dakota"

[Obama] "So you're kind of implying that she's kind of hot?"

[Clinton] "Well, I definitely think so. But regardless, we still need to get her released as soon as possible. Iranian Hostage Situations tend to not turn out so well for Democrats."

[Obama] "What do you mean by that? Did you husband screw up some hostage thing in Iran?"

[Clinton] "Uhmm, no. At least not that I know of. But he did a lot of things that I didn't know about at the time. I sometimes wish he'd been on that plane with Ron Brown."

[Obama] "What? Oh, nevermind. You confuse the me. Good thing I picked Biden for veep. He may be prone to shooting his mouth off, but at least he's usually on topic. Next!"

[Clinton, smiling politely. Hands under desk, discreetly smacks her Obama voodoo doll upside the head]

[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the stock market fell about 300 points today."

[Obama] "So? Seems like it does that all the time. Why do you mention it?" [tinny, barely audible Ludacris music is heard faintly] "Excuse me while I take this call. It's probably Oprah." [checks caller ID] "Oh, hey, it's Warren Buffet!" [answers phone] "Yo, Buff! Whassup?"

[Warren Buffet] "Mr. President! The Dow fell 300 today!"

[Obama] "Yeah, me 'n Timbo were just talkin' about that. Let me put you on speaker."

[Buffet, audible to all] "Now the Dow is below 7000!"

[Obama] "Umm. Is that bad?"

[Buffet] "YES! This isn't golf! Low numbers are bad! I supported you and look what you've done! The economy is in shambles!"

[Obama turning off speakerphone and holding phone to his ear] "But when I golf, I usually get like a 130 or a 140. Seems like 7000 is still pretty decent..."

[Buffet, interrupting] "Fool! Do you know anything about finance?"

[Obama] "I thought we were talking about golf. I'm so confused."

[Buffet] "You better get this mess straightened up! I've lost billions since you took over!"

[Obama, in cutesy babytalk voice] "Awww, sounds wike wittle warren want a baywout. It's otay, we can do dat." [Winces at Buffet's raised voice in earpiece, holds phone away from ear briefly before hanging up] "Heehee! Old people cuss funny!" "Next!"

[greggycraig] "Sire, your choice for Urban Czar, Adolfo Carrion, seems to have some Pay-for-Play scandals. Rather like your friend Blegojevich, but on a tad smaller scale."

[Rahm, tensing in expectation of another rebuke] "Sire, not to worry..."

[Obama, interrupting] "We named a guy named 'Adolfo' to be a Czar? I'm not sure Putin is going to like that. I've been discussing our folding like a cheap kid's play tent on that Eastern Europe Missile Defense thing that Boooooosh was so hyped about. I've promised that we'll give it up without a fight if he promises to help Iran not blow us up with nukes or something. He double-pinky-promises to help, but it's still very delicate negotiations - be sure of that. Czars and Adolfs might make him a little uneasy, you know. The Russians have long memories."

[Rahm] "Sire, the fellow's last name is Carrion, as in 'garbage eater'. I think Putin would very much approve of associating Czars and Adolfs with buzzards dining on bloated roadkill. And as a Czar, there he faces no Senate approval so his alleged misdeeds have no bearing on the selection."

[Obama] "Rahm, once again I am so glad I hired you. You can appease Putin AND bring me some homestyle pay-for-play all in one smooth motion. Nicely done! Next!"

[Biden barging in, wearing ridiculous outfit resembling a pink mutated Gumby] "Guys! I have great news! They've developed this awesome flexible armor. I'm wearing it now. Cool, huh? It's flexible, oh, kinda like warm taffy 'til you hit it sharply and then the molecules like do this molecular thing and become rigid and absorb the blow. Even bullets. Then it becomes flexible again. Now you don't have to worry about us both simultaneously dying in some weird tragedy that would leave us with a President Pelosi."

[Axelrod looks at Biden and stifles laughter. Axelrod hears Biden's words. Axelrod, drooling, tries to carve hole in his forehead using presidential fountain pen] "Can't. Take. The. Pain. In. Cerebrum. Wish. For. Death. Before. Joe's. Inanity. Assails. Me. Further." [Collapses]

[Biden, glancing at Axelrod] "Whoa. Anyway, as I was sayin' I can hang out with you guys now because I'm pretty much bulletproof. Heck, a bomb could go off in here and take the whole West Wing down, and I'd be fine. So you don't have to exclude me from all this cool governing stuff anymore. I know it was a sensible precaution before, but totally needless now. This stuff looks like bubble gum. Hey, when I'm in this superman suit, you should call me Bazooka Joe 'cuz I really do look like a piece of bubble gum and my name is Joe and some gum company makes gum called Bazooka Joe. I should get a bazooka. They have funny little comics on the wrapper that I always laugh at. At least when I have my glasses on and can read the little words they're saying. I like gum. One time when I was a kid - no wait, it was only about a year ago - I got gum in my hair. It was really messy. I tried the peanut butter trick. Didn't work. Tried the cooking oil trick. Didn't work. Tried like for hours to comb it out and was getting nowhere. Then I remembered that my hair is fake so I just pulled my hair out and it didn't even hurt. There was enough left that I could rearrange it and nobody could tell that I had fake hair plugs. That was pretty cool. Not very many people can do that. I mean, pull their hair out without it even hurting. And that was before I was bulletproof. I'm even more invincible now with this suit. Go ahead, like kick me or something."

[Axelrod stirs] "Grraahhh!" [Axelrod charges forward and punches Joe square in the face. Biden falls, blood coming out his nose]

[Biden] "No, Axe! Ow! You were supposed to hit me in the armored areas. Not my face! That's the one part of me that isn't bulletproof! How did you manage to hit the one single place that could hurt me!?"

[Obama] "Joe, this suit is amazing, but Axe just showed that you still have vulnerabilities. Now, hurry out of here before any terrorists realize that we're all in one room. Let us know when you've added a section of armor that totally makes an airtight bulletproof seal over your face. Then we'll know for sure you're safe and we'll all be able to meet together.

[Biden] "Right away, sir!" [Biden exits hastily]

[Obama] "Anything else?"

[Group] "No, that's it"

[Obama] "Right on! It's only 9:17 in the morning and we're done governing for the day! I'll be able to take a flight in my spiffy ride and still have time to give away billions of taxpayer dollars! Woohoo!"

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