Friday, January 30, 2009

Amerika still barry barry good


Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 (This is a carefully crafted saga. Reading the parts in correct order preserves the full awesomeness. Plus, part 4 kinda stinks - if you read it first you might not bother with the other parts which would be a big mistake!)
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Part 4

[Obama shouting to crowd of reporters] "I can't believe you people out here in DC, freaking out about a little bit of snow. See, I can walk around in this weather in my shirtsleeves, because I have that special flinty Chicago toughness! What you're seeing right now is the flinty toughness I'll use to stare down Russian President Michael Medvededeveded, his buddy Putin and of course Achmedinejad. In fact I won't be surprised to see bin Laden coming out of his frozen cave saying 'So Cold! I geeve up! I no can match flinty toughness of new infidel president.' C'mon, people! It's just snow and sleet!"

[Gawking crowd of frigid reporters marvels at The One] "Wow, even the seasons are subject to his awsomeness!"

[Obama finds door to White House, enters, shivering convulsively] "Holy Crap-a-roni! I'm freezing! Turn up the thermostat, NOW!"

[Anonymous Staffer] "Yes, m'lord. Right away."

"Special Delivery from FedEx for President Obama!"

[Obama, signing electronic FedEx clipboard thingy] "Oh, goody! My stickers already came!"

[Ram E.] "Sire, it is so good to see the delight on your face. If I'd known you so enjoyed stickers, I'd have ordered more of them for you."

[Obama, raising arm to backhand Ram, Ram ducking] "I'm sick of your mockery. That was very embarrassing for me the other day when I got locked out on the porch. It was also VERY cold and I don't like being cold. So I ordered up some stickers to put on the windows."

[Ram E.] "Oh, no, sire! That wasn't intended as mockery. We just a bunch of 'yes men' who like to see you happy!"

[Obama, fumbling with a sticker] "See how it is transparent and the bottom half is backwards? That means that no matter what side of the window I'm on, I'll be able to read at least half of it. The right-wingers will never again be able to laugh at me getting lost on the porch, scratching at the window like a lunatic."

[Ram E.] "Sire, that is magnificent! Such forethought! Such problem-solving skills and initiative!"

[Obama] "Hey, anonymous disposable intern, put one of these on every window in this entire White House. Then go outside in the cold and make sure they're straight and easily read."

[Anonymous intern, clicking heels] "Aye, master!"

[Axelrod enters] "Yoish! It's roasting in here. 'Bams, I know you're from hot places like Hawaii, Kenya and Indonesia, but wow, man!
[Obama] "Don't forget about when I was younger and I traveled to Pakistan illegally on my Indonesian passport!"
[Axelrod] "Yeah, there, too! But really, 'Bams, You could grow orchids in here!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I could grow orchids. I could grow other stuff, too." [playful gestures of smoking a bong hit] "I'm just really thankful that my minions are so willing to turn down their thermostats, offsetting my prodigious carbon bootprint. If they ever thought to look past my blantant hypocrisy, I don't know what I'd do. So how's it going with our stimulus package?"
[Axelrod] "We got Pelosi to pull some of the most divisive junk out of it, be we still couldn't get one single republican to go along. In fact, 11 dems voted no. We're hoping to do better in the Senate, where we have McCain and Grahamnesty to marshall the RINOs to our side."
[Obama, jaw and fists clenched] "How dare they oppose my stimulus! I am The One!"
[Axelrod] "Their logic is that this is horrible legislation, and when it completely fails, they can go on TV and say 'Neener-neener!! We didn't vote for it! In 2010 all ur congressional seats r belong 2 us!"
[Obama, tearing shirt] "NOOOOOOOOOO!" [Runs down the hallway, flipping over endtables and a lamp]
[Axelrod] "Bams! Wait! There is other news, and it is very good! Come back!"
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