Thursday, January 27, 2011

About that certificate

Huh.  Whoa, dude.  Is the camera on?  Maybe I shouldn't have smoked up just before coming on camera.  Heh.  Nah, I'm not high.  It's just that the lei is tickling my neck.  Snkzzzk

So, I got a little ahead of myself with that announcement that I'd produce a birth cert for barry.  I was so sure, man, that we had that cert, 'cuz I was like, there, man, when it all went down.  But it shouldn't be such a surprise that I can't find it.  One time, I like, looked for my crackpipe for like 9 straight hours.  And it was in my lap the whole time!  Anyway, I was down on the beach sitting around a fire with Jerry Garcia and that guy, oh, what's his name...  The LSD tripper guy who wrote, oh yeah, Tom Leary or something like that.  I remember it like yesterday.  So we were sitting by the fire when Tom said we should throw some peyote on the fire and try to have a vision.  Jerry got mad 'cuz he thought Tom said "coyote" and Jerry was a big animal lover.  After we gave Jerry some more Jaeger he calmed down and Tom put the peyote on.  Not much was happening so we put a tarp over the fire to try to catch more of the fumes but the tarp was plastic and it started to melt.  Jerry tried to throw it in the surf but some hot plastic dripped on me and I screamed like a girl.  That's when it got really interesting...

All of a sudden, we hear a disembodied voice.  It sounded like James Earl Jones.  The voice said "This is The One.  He is a gift to the Virgin Stanley."  Right away we knew he was talking about Stanley Dunham despite that "virgin" thing.  And some angelic beings slowly drifted down to us, holding a baby in a golden basket.  We were like freaking out, man!  So they set this kid down next to us.  And Tom said "he's glowing!" and it was true but then he said "He has fangs!  He's here to destroy us" and he tried to put the kid in the fire but we convinced him he was just having a flashback.  So then we had to find Stanley.  Last we'd heard she was in Kenya stirring up some kind of trouble but thankfully the angelic beings said she was back in town and was in the alley behind the Circle-K.  I took a piece of driftwood and recorded these events in the sand.  I was pretty high, but I was "there" enough to remember to write it all above the high-tide waterline so it would still be there in the morning.  Jerry was passed out by then, so me 'n Tom went to the alley and what do you know?  She was right there, writing some communist poetry on the wall with organic chalk.  We told her what just happened and she didn't believe us.  So we took the kid to her parents' place and went back down to the beach.  The next day we filled out a proper birth certificate and then went down to the scuba shop to mock some tourists.  We did a lot of that back then.  Then Jerry wanted to roll a doob but started complaining about how he didn't have any paper.  Jerry used to complain a lot.  I was getting tired of it so I went to get us some sweet-n-sour.  When I came back Jerry was blazing up this huge fattie so I figured he must have finally found a paper.  It was the craziest weekend, ever, man.

So, like I said.  I was there.  I haven't found that certificate yet, but I will.  And even if I can't find it, we can always look on the beach for where I wrote it all down with a stick.


  1. I think you're right. Somebody at the peak of an acid trip recorded the blessed event by scribing it in the sand.

    According to progressives, that should be just as good as having a doctor or a hospital attest to it.

  2. Interesting. But there may be a few facts in error. I can understand that; the Purple Haze gets in the way, sometimes. But I think that O'Leary was the cow that kicked over the lantern that started the Great Chicago Fire.

  3. Thank goodness for sticks in the sand. We can look there ...

    I was wondering where you were going "squealed like a girl, and then things got interesting." You had me laughing very hard ... good one Dude.

  4. I had to read this out loud to my 20 year-old girl. SHE thought it was funny, too!

    If you can reach that younger generation, then you know how to do it, brother Innominatus, or whatever your name is.

    Good job, man!


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