Monday, November 15, 2010

Barry brutal Asia trip

The pResident and his advisors are gathered for a cabinet meeting...

[Obama] "...quantitative easing will..."

[Biden, barging in] "Hey, guys! Long time no see! Like, there was that 'shellacking' of an election and then 'boom!' off to Asia, it's like I haven't seen you at all lately." [takes long slurp of his Slurpee]

[Axelrod, eyeroll and exaggerated sigh]

[Obama] "Joe. For the n-teenth and hopefully last time, WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER. It makes it too easy for a terrorist to wipe out the whole chain off command with one lucky RPG. Now, run along."

[Biden] "Actually, I think terrorism isn't much of a threat these days. I'm really impressed with the TSA lately. 'Specially that kinda plump chick at Dulles. She has really nice hands. Like, she felt me up in ways I've never been touched before.  It was so good I got back in line and went through security again.  Lemme tell ya, my second chakra was ready to take the Express to Toledo!  I plan on going back tomorrow.  Gotta enjoy it while I can."

[Obama] "What do you mean by 'while I can'? It is a permanent security protocol."

[Biden] "Well, you know it is only a matter of time 'til some terrorist packs some 'splosives in a hollow something-or-other, like a plastic easter egg.  I'd make it out of delrin 'cuz it is easy to machine and wouldn't set off a metal detector, but that's just me.  Shove it up his keester like they always do in the prison movies, and board the plane.  Then just sit there like the Cadbury Bunny 'brk-brk-brk-brk-BARACK!' and lay that egg right there in the lavatory, unscrew the 'egg' and mix the ingredients.  Blam! Gonna take more than a spritz of air freshener and a moist towelette to undo that kind of lavatory problem!"

[Obama] "Egads!  Joe is right!  Wake up Janet!"

[Anonymous staffer jabs Napolitano with a black PaperMate, medium tip]

[Napolitano, sitting up abruptly] "Terrorists have grungy mullets, 'cuz they've been sleeping in their Trans-Ams ever since their old ladies kicked 'em out of the single-wide."

[Obama, confused] "Whaaa?"

[Napolitano] "Sir!  The biggest threat to national security, in my estimation, is guys with Trans-Ams.  And sometimes Novas, if they have a Confederate flag sticker and/or jacked up rear end with really big tires."

[Obama] "What about people smuggling bombs onto planes, by way of their, um, bodily orofices?"

[Napolitano] "I've never heard of such a thing."

[Biden, freaking out] "What?  Haven't you ever seen COPS?  There have been almost 1000 episodes over the last 23 years, and exactly THREE did not have a crook trying to hide drugs or weapons, you know, 'up there'. "

[Napolitano] "Sorry.  I'm not as big a fan as you."

[Biden, proudly] "NOBODY is as big a fan of COPS as this guy right here." [points to self] "But I'm worried about this actually happening.  It'll happen once, then it'll happen a bunch more times from copycats, and next thing ya know, terrorists will be releasing these bomblets all over.  It'll be like the log chute ride at the Six Flags.  And then you'll overreact and instead of profiling, you'll increase the TSA scrutiny.  And guys like me will come out of a TSA check walkin' kinda funny and singing 'You make, I say, You make me feel like a natural woman!'.  That's what I meant by 'enjoy it while I can' because I'm convinced it's about to get real uncomfortable.  And I'm really ready to change the subject.  So, boss, how was it in India?  Must've been cool to visit the homeland of the Slurpee.  You know how there are like almost no Starbucks in Alabama, but they're all over the place in Seattle, like every intersection?  Cuz that's where they started out!  I betcha there are 7-11 stores all over the place in Mumbai.  For that same reason.  It'd be like walking on hallowed ground.  And then you went to Innoneedsia where you grew up.  That must have been really nostalgic."

[Obama] "Joe, are you quite through?  If you plan on continuing your rant, you'll have to remember to take a breath every once in a while."

[Biden] "Oh, yeah" [noisy inhale] "Much better!  Where was I?  Oh, yeah, and you seemed to have ticked off the Germans AND the Chinese with this 'quantitative easing' stuff.  It's like you're waking up all the Axis powers all over again.  And 'quantitative easing' sounds like negative, like giving morphine to somebody on the edge of death to ease their pain.  You should just call it 'printing money' cuz people can relate to that and it sounds much more festive."

[Obama] "Joe, umm, China was our ally at the time.  It was Japan that was part of the Axis."

"Chinese, Japanese, whatever..."

[Biden, continuing] "Who cares.  You really got stomped on pretty much this whole trip.  Like Mike Tyson going up against Pee Wee Herman.  I mean, like, '80s Tyson before he got all cracked out and stuff.  Or, maybe more like the flag football team from the Rio Pequeño School of Adaptive Spincast Fishing going against the '78 Steelers Iron Curtain.  Nobody took you seriously.  At all.  I found it kind of funny."

[Obama] "You're the only one who is entertained by all this.  Take Joe out back and subject him to some advanced TSA screening procedures."


  1. Joe Biden -- the bestest sidekick on Earth!

    Yeah -- this TSA stuff is no picnic. Along the lines of your Easter Egg scenario, I'm just waiting for the first "tampon bomber" to get caught. Yikes!

  2. The thought of Joe Biden being touched in ways he's never been touched before just caused a brain seizure. I may have to reboot my brain.

  3. Biden is the PRIMARY reason I hope the Secret Service is on their toes, 7x24.

  4. You are really a pro at this stuff. Napolitano's wake-up, Biden as COPS fan, SO MUCH FUNNY!

    Great job, Inno!


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