Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Barry Alternate Universe

Inspirations: an old aA comment about MAD magazine parodies, a post on IMAO about Obama's lack of awesomeness, and the 4th of July weekend.




Star Date: 2109.7.04 - USS Independence NCC-1776 is in geosynchronous orbit above Tehran.

[Security Officer Chekolitano, mild russian accent] "Odmiral! Sensors indicate a Somali pirate wessel has de-cloaked just outside the ship!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Raise shields!"

[Chekolitano] "Too late, Odmiral! They're already inside the perimeter of our shields! They're attempting to board! OMG! They're pouring in like illegal aliens crossing the border for free medical treatment!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Spiden, you have the bridge! I'm taking charge of this situation personally!"

[no response]

[Odmiral Obama] "Spiden? Spiden?" [Into intercom] "Scotty, where's my first officer? What's taking so long?"

[Scotty] "Sir, the awesometizer won't work on Spiden. I'm givin' ya all we got, Odmiral, but I cannah break the laws of physics!"

[Obama] "Not good enough! I need a first officer, now, or we're all dead!"

[Scotty] "But Odmiral, you and most of your cabinet awesometized quite nicely. But ev'ra time I try'n pull Spiden through, the system just cannah handle that much suckyness. The dang thing gimme the blue screen o' death ev'ra time!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Scotty, we may be worthless and feeble in that other universe, but in this reality, you've got to do better! But seriously, I can't believe it is the year 2109 and we're still getting screwed by the blue-screen-of-death!"

[Scotty] "Sir, I've managed to pull Spoclinton through the awesometizer. She'll be on the bridge in a moment."

[First Officer Spoclinton arrives on the bridge]

[Odmiral Obama] "Spoclinton, you have the bridge." [Unholsters competition-style double-stack .45 with compensator and holographic sights] "Red Alert!"

[Captain Kirk Odmiral Obama fight song begins playing] "Da - da -na -na -na -na -na -na -nih -na -naaaaaaah"

[Odmiral Obama enters secret passageway between decks and climbs down a ladder. Dagger between teeth and .45 in hand]

[Pops hatch, peers outward. A pirate, about 20 feet away, is looking the other direction]

[Odmiral Obama] "How many quatloos do you wager?"

[Pirate turns, confusedly] "Whaaa?"

[Odmiral Obama throws dagger which fatally strikes the pirate in the throat]

[Looms over fallen pirate, rhetorically, in a low growl] "How daaaaare you attack a US-flagged vessel!"

[Odmiral Obama retrieves dagger and victoriously wipes pirate blood across his uniform then proceeds down the corridor]

[Hears somali being spoken in the distance. Hurries his pace. Compensated .45 held at high-ready] [Using his superhuman intelligence and mastery of language skills, he translates the somali he's hearing] "They're saying first we keel all you then all ur starship r belong to us!" [Breaks into full sprint towards voices]

The Odmiral rounds a corner and encounters the some pirates, who are holding some female crewmembers at gunpoint. Without breaking stride, the Odmiral drops the first pirate with a superbly placed cranio-ocular shot that leaves huge and graphic ventilation ports in the pirate's skull. A second pirate swings his AK around to engage the Odmiral, but a masterful execution of the Mozambique Drill results in another dead pirate. The third pirate drops his weapon and flees.

[twittery sound from Odmiral's communicator, then the voice of Security Officer Chekolitano] "Sir, the pirates have given up and are retreating to their pirate wessel."

[Odmiral] "Excellent." [Hits Scotty on communicator speed-dial] "Scotty, get to the transporter room and beam all their weapons to a secure place, like the hangar bay. Then beam an armed photon torpedo onto their craft, with a 30 second delay on the fuse."

[Scotty] "Aye, Odmiral!"

As the Odmiral heads back to the bridge, a violent explosion rocks the Independence. It is the torpedo detonating in the nearby pirate vessel. First Officer Spoclinton, seated in the Captain's chair on the bridge, clings tenaciously to the armrests as the others on the bridge are jostled off their feet.

Odmiral Obama reaches the bridge and heads for his seat. Spoclinton doesn't budge. [Odmiral] "Spoclinton, I have the bridge. Return to your station."

[Spoclinton] "Never!" [Grabs the Odmiral's head with funky grip] "My thoughts to your thoughts...Your rank to my rank"

[Odmiral] "Spoclinton! In this parallel universe, we are the inverse of what we are in the other reality. You're supposed to be whatever's the opposite of a conniving, power-hungry bi..."

[Spoclinton, interrupting] "I used my legendary Vulcan Mental D
iscipline to retain my original personality when I went through the awesometizer! The Independence is mine!"

[Odmiral, beginning to weaken from the mind meld] "N...Ne...Nev...Never!!!" [Raises arms abruptly and violently, breaking the mind meld] [Performs patented double-fisted hammer blow on upper back of stunned Spoclinton]

[Spoclinton falls and breaks elbow]

[Odmiral Obama] "You shall not accompany me in my heroic journey." [Forcefully] "Take Spoclinton to the brig!" [Expendable crew members in red uniforms seize the First Officer and haul her away]

[Gibbhura] "Sir! A transmission from Earth"

[Odmiral] "Open a channel. Onscreen"

The display shows news coverage of a young Iranian woman bleeding out from a bullet wound to the chest. An un-awesometized Joe Biden arrives on the bridge.

[Odmiral Obama, seething with rage at what he's seeing on the display] "Khaaaaaaaan! Ooops, I mean Mahmooooood!" [Presses intercom button] "Bones! Get to the hangar bay and load those AKs and RPGs on the shuttle craft."

[Dr. Harry McReid] "Da**it, Barry! I'm a doctor, not a pallet jack!"

[Odmiral] "Just do it, Doctor!" [cancels intercom] "Sululosi, scan the Earth for Ahmedinejad's coordinates."

[Navigator Nancy Suluosi] "I've got him, Odmiral!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Set phasers to immolate. Fire!"

[On Earth, a brilliant blast of phaser energy causes Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and a nearby stack of fraudulent ballots to flash to vapor]

[Odmiral] "Joe, you're with me. Chekolitano, you have the bridge."

[The Odmiral and Biden head for the hangar bay]

[Odmiral] "So, Joe, how is it that you aren't awesome in this reality?"

[Biden] "Scotty tried to 'splain it to me. Since I have exactly zero awesomeness, the inverse of me would be infinite awesomeness. He said he thought about pulling me through the awesomizer anyway, but started having second thoughts. Uncertain, he consulted the Heisenburg Uncertainty Compensator - hey, did you know that the uncertainty compensator looks just like a magic 8-ball? One time when I was a kid in Scranton I sunk the 8-ball on the break and won the Scranton junior billiards title. I still have the trophy. It's on the mantel next to my autographed..."

[Odmiral] "JOE!"

[Biden] "Sorry. The compensator told Scotty the damage to spacetime would be too much. And it might make me collapse into a black hole of nothing. So here I am, just plain ol' Joe."

[Reaching the hangar bay, they board the Shuttle Craft Teddy Roosevelt]

[Odmiral] "Joe, just sit down and shut up. Don't touch ANYTHING!"

[They launch and head for Tehran]

[Landing amidst a raucous crowd, Odmiral Obama and Joe Biden climb out and begin distributing weapons to the protestors]

[Crowd] "Death to the mullahs! Death to the Ayatollah! We love America! Happy Birthday America!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Good luck! May your revolt against tyranny live long and prosper!"

[Biden] "Um, yeah, The Force Is With You!"

[crowd] "Wrong parallel universe, you idiot!"

[Biden] "Hey! You can't talk to me like that! I'm the Stimulous Sheriff AND the uh, guy who's in charge of reconciliation in Iraq."

[Crowd throws shoes at Biden] [Biden fearfully ducks for cover inside the Roosevelt]

[Odmiral] "We must leave now"

[crowd] "Thank you Odmiral! After we use these new weapons to wreak much violence on the mullahs and slaughter many basij, we will have peace and oil profits! Maybe we will even be nice to Israel!"

[Shuttle craft departs. Crowd waves and cheers.]

[Shuttle over the Indian Ocean. A message from the Independence comes in]

[Gibbhura] "Odmiral, sensors indicate that North Korea is launching a missile at Hawaii."

[Odmiral, increduous and angry] "On the 4th of July?!? The streets of Pyongyang will flow red with the blood of communists!!!" [To Biden] "Adjust course for the Nork missile site."

[Biden] "Umm, I don't know how to do that. I'm only here for my Foreign Policy expertise."

[Odmiral] "FINE! I'll show you what I call foreign policy expertise!" [seizes controls of shuttle and makes a high-g turn towards the northeast. Shuttle accelerates to nearly warp speed. Which, by the way, is very dangerous to do while still in a planet's atmosphere. Only a genuine hero like the Odmiral would dare attempt it]

[Gibbhura] "Sir, it appears the missile's engines are starting. Launch is imminent!"

[Biden] "Uh, shouldn't we convene a Security Council meeting at Federation HQ and organize some sanctions or something?"

[Odmiral] "There's no time! Like so many who have shed their blood for our freedom, I'm willing to die for my country! Aren't you?"

[Biden] "Uhh, I've been a Senator most of my life. I'm not used to making sacrifices. I've lived a cushy life while others have been asked to sacrifice. So, I guess my answer is 'no'."

[Gibbhura] "Take-off. The missile is taking off."

[Odmiral, yelling passionately] "Not while I have yet one more breath in my body!" [Enters data into nav system] "Setting collision course for Nork missile, center-of-mass. Maximum Warp. Engage!"

[explosion]

[brief static then comm channel goes silent]








4 comments:

  1. I do say, that is an excellent photoshop.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Marko. You will not be shunned here.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are a creative genius, I'm glad you linked this. I missed it the lst round.

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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