Monday, July 20, 2009

Ask a Wise Wide Latina - Special Edition

"Ask a Wise Wide Latina" is an advice column, and should be used for entertainment only - not for investment purposes. The Wide Latina may refuse to answer any question that might tend to incriminate her. The Wide Latina will also reject any question that has racist undertones. The Wide Latina promises to give her best effort to answer each question submitted, but, you know, she's a Wide Latina and just might not get around to answering yours. Your mileage may vary.

Today's question comes from commenter aA

Dear Wide Latina,
I am tired of not being able to find .40 ammunition for less than double the normal price. Do you have a stash that I could buy from?

I promise I'll never use the gun or the ammo, I just want to have it cuz it's heavy and makes me feel powerful.

I am of Swedish descent. Does that make me inherently bad?
Dear Guy Who Is At The Top Of Every Alphabetized List,

Your Swedishness does not make you inherently bad. You are probably still bad because the Swedes are notoriously not very brown. Please don't ask me to sponsor you as a new member of La Raza - nobody'll believe me. Besides I just recently quit that racist organization so I'll look good at the confirmation hearings. OK, maybe not "look good" as much as "look a little less repulsive" but you get my drift.

Anyway, it pretty much comes down to whether you're recently descended of modern socialist Swedes or not. If you are one of these enlightened Volvo drivers, then you are certainly not all that bad. But if you are descended from the ancient ax-wielding berzerker viking Swedes, well... Houston, we have a problem! You didn't say, so I'll have to use my wise latina empathy and read between the lines. Hmmm. You asked a gun question. Not promising at all. Hmmm... you are a male who wants to feel powerful. Even less promising... OK, I've reached a verdict: You're not inherently bad, you are bad by choice. Shame.

Regarding your ammo question, I know nothing about guns but hate them anyway. I also know nothing about carrying heavy things to feel powerful. That kind of sounds like exercise - which is another topic I know nothing about but hate anyway. I am not able to answer those questions. Therefore, like an honorable jurist, I shall recuse myself and ask for another to reply. Thankfully two of my associates are available to help...

Hello, aA. Bawney Fwank here. I'm not sure why the Wide Latina asked me to help. I hate guns and would outlaw them in a second if I had the chance. Similarly, I hate lifting heavy things. That's for the illegal laborers I hire. I am quite fond of Scandinavian men, though. So when you say "bad" do you mean "truly evil" or do you mean "naughty"??

aA, this is Nancy Pelosi and I have some answers for you. The shortage of .40s&w is due to its popularity with the police forces in my home district of San Francisco. When the troubled, misguided, unfortunate youth form gangs like MS-13 and shoot at our cops, those rotten old cops return fire without hesitating! Can you believe it? They don't even TRY to negotiate! They just shoot back! So we confiscate their ammo. But then they order more, so we confiscate again. And so it goes. Most of the .40 ammo is now at the bottom of the bay which has really screwed up the supply/demand curve. It is all just another failed Bush policy that we can finally roll back now that Obama and the rest of the adults are in charge.


Bawney Fwank writes a column for Congressional Quarterly called "Turn the Page" in which he shares his strategies for seducing young congressional interns. He is also the author of "Diaries of Anne Fwank" - a collection of his adventures, which you really, really don't want to read.

Each weekday Nancy Pelosi hosts a vibrant discussion of the cosmetic uses of botulism toxin, cyanide, hemlock, and related deadly things. It is called "Talkin' Tox!" and it airs during the latenight hours on XM Satellite Radio Channel 666. Despite a preponderance of evidence, we think she is not actually an undead creature.

1 comment:

  1. OMG, I just saw this! I am greatly honored to know that I am bad by choice! While in the old days, I DID resemble a berserker, with my long hair, beard and imposing size.

    Now, not so much. That's why I'm a geezer with a .40 with only about 500 rounds of ammo to my name.

    "Pelosi is going to be my new epithet when I hit my thumb with a bullet, er, hammer from now on.

    Thanks for immortalizing my humble question!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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