Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ask a Wide Latina 7/18/09

"Ask a Wise Wide Latina" is an advice column, and should be used for entertainment only - not for investment purposes. The Wide Latina may refuse to answer any question that might tend to incriminate her. The Wide Latina will also reject any question that has racist undertones. The Wide Latina promises to give her best effort to answer each question submitted, but, you know, she's a Wide Latina and just might not get around to answering yours. Your mileage may vary.

Dear Wide Latina,

I am suffering from huge bags under my eyes... I even got a call from Samsonite asking me to advertise for them. What should I do to get rid of these oil filled wrinkled suitcases under my eyes?

-Atomic Lib Smasher

Dear Smasher,

To be rid of your bags once and for all, you should fly Delta! Ha, ha! See, the Wide Latina is also the Funny Latina! But seriously, my people have a remedy for this. Prepare a batch of BacalaĆ­tos batter but do not cook it. Allow it to sit, unrefrigerated, until the codfish aroma is very pungent. Using a paintbrush, apply the batter to the face or other affected areas. As the batter dries to a cakelike consistency, it will leach the oil right out and the skin should tighten to a youthful, Pelosi-esque appearance. If this fails (which it almost never does) you can always run for office. The haggard and weary eyebag look shows the voters that you are a diligent worker who is willing to stay up late to do the will of the people. They will find you worthy of their vote. And on those nights when the liquor is too much and you drive off a bridge and kill people, the press will be used to your haggard and weary appearance and not report that you are a drunken womanizing murderer.

It also dawns now on the Wide Latina that your question about wrinkled, oily bags might be insencere. If that is the case, all I can suggest is "Drill Here, Drill Now!"


  1. I think you've got something here with the Wide Latina. You could expand it to the Botox Witch or the Gay Frank-furter.

    I'm sensing a whole new era of advice columns.

  2. Dear Wide Latina,
    I am tired of not being able to find .40 ammunition for less than double the normal price. Do you have a stash that I could buy from?

    I promise I'll never use the gun or the ammo, I just want to have it cuz it's heavy and makes me feel powerful.

    I am of Swedish descent. Does that make me inherently bad?

  3. Thanks all!

    aA, I was worried that I'd ticked ya off! Hopefully your radio silence was due to being on a tropical island vacation at some peaceful where the internet is illegal.

  4. The part that I don't buy is her using fish oil. She has crazy cat lady written all over her, so I can only assume smearing fish oil on her face would lead to a mass assault not seen since Normandy.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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