Saturday, July 11, 2009

Barry Scary Counseling Session

Dr. Dave is a corrupting influence on me.

[Rahm E] "Sire, the republicans are making great gains. The next congressional election could be quite problematic"

[Obama] "I heard. We need to get our swagger back. Rebalance our energies. Reclaim our mojo!"

[Rahm] "Do you mean?...."

[Obama] "Yes, round up the First Family. You're going with us."

[Obama, MichelleO, Sasha and Rahm enter presidential limousine]

[Obama] "Where's Malia?"

[MichelleO] "She wanted to wear her new peace-sign t-shirt to that Code Pink protest. I said it was OK."

[Obama] "Alright then. Let's roll! Jeeves, take us to K Street."

[Chauffer] "M'lord, my name is Steven."

[Obama] "Shut up, Jeeves! Just take us to K Street. I'll tell you when to pull over."

[Steven the Chauffer] "Yes, m'lord."

[Limo travels down the street famous for its lobbying offices]

[Obama] "This is good. Stop here."

[Limo smoothly brakes to a halt in front of Crooked Lobbying and Contemplative Yoga, LLC. Obama and entourage exit limo and enter CL&CY office]

[Ashley the receptionist] "Mr. President, so good to see you! Things just haven't been the same around here since you left the Senate! But your appointment to meet with the Crooked Lobbyists isn't until next week!"

[Obama] "We're not here for that. We're here for some Contemplative Yoga."

[Ashley darts from room, comes back seconds later dressed in stretchy workout clothes] "This way, please follow me." [Leads entourage to serene yoga studio in back room]

[Ashley] "Please, take a seat on the mat. I recommend the Lotus Position."

[Obama and crew sit on floor]

[Ashley] "Begin chanting the mantra while I prepare the studio"

[MichelleO] "Ommm...Ommm"

[SashaO] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Rahm] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Steven the Chauffer] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Barack Obama] "Ummm...Ummm"

[Ashley pulls out zippo w/ Planned Parenthood logo, begins lighting candles] [With back to entourage, bends deep at the waist to light incense, giving a pretty good view to those interested]

[BO, whipering] "Hey Rahm! Check the caboose on that instructor chick!"

[Rahm, giggling] "Easy there, Casey Jones! Better watch your speed!"

[BO] "Toot! Toot!"

[MO, overhearing, gives BO the stinkeye and growls like a Mastiff guarding a t-bone]

[Ashley] "OK, class. Contemplate your persona. Decide what is the biggest part of you. Today, we will meditate on bringing the rest of you up to that same level. Thus your energies shall come into balance and your mojo shall return."

[Rahm] "Ommm... The biggest part of me is my dancing. I want to excel at everything I do, just as I have done in ballet."

[Ashley] "Excellent"

[BO] "Ummm...I have a huge heart - I can't stand to see peoples' lives meddled with by an intrusive, overly expensive and unresponsive government. I want my intellect to be as expansive as my heart."

[Ashley] "Ooh! We're really making great progress!"

[Sasha] "Ommm... I want a pony!"

[BO] "But you get to ride around on Rahm's back! Isn't that close enough?"

[Sasha] "No, daddy. When I feed him grass he always spits it out."

[BO, sternly] "Rahm, from now on, you swallow!"

[Rahm, adjusting necktie nervously] "Yes, sire."

[MO] "Ommm... I am so angry! Try to imagine a wookie with burrs in his fur, tangled up in a big roll of velcro. Try to imagine how mad that wookie would be. I'm even madder than that! I want the rest of my life to be as big and vibrant as my everpresent, white-hot rage!"

[Ashley] "Class, I do believe we're on the verge of a breakthrough!"

Before their very eyes, Michelle Obama begins to grow. She continues, convulsively, to add height and bulk. Sitting up, her head bursts through the ceiling and a manic snarl appears across her face. She stands, and towers over the landscape.

[MO, in a voice so deep it is almost subsonic] "I rule the midnight air! The Destroyer!"

[BO and entourage dash outside, where a tourist group is pointing at the gigantic MO]

[American tourist] "It's MOdzilla!"

[Japanese tourist] "No! I once see real godzilla. He have small t-rexy arm. Not sculpted like those!"

[MO picks up a bus and throws it back down as she makes her way toward the center of town]

[Another tourist] "It's Queen Kong!"

[Yet another tourist] "Nah, the legs are too long. I think it's Cthulhu!"

[Stoned skater punk passing by] "Look out, dude! When she shows her teeth like that, it means the inner jaw is about to strike and rip your throat out!"

[MO lets out a deafening nasal roar] "Nrahhaghh!"

[Skater kid] "She sounds like a wookie!"

[Rahm] "Maybe we can negotiate with her. Without preconditions."

[People begin to panic and flee. Sirens are heard in the distance.]

[BO, aloud, to noone particular. Getting scared.] "OK, OK! Connect the dots... Uhh... Ok... She called herself 'the destroyer' and she was very angry. Uhh... She was in the middle of meditative Yoga... which has hindu origins... she shrieks like Chewbacca..."

[BO, screaming] "Oh no! Now she is become MObacca, Destroyer of Worlds! Run! Run for your lives! Run like Michael Moore to a Krispy Kreme sale! Save yourselves!"


  1. All it needs is this awesome tune at the end, Innominatus, and that's a wrap.

    NICELY done...

  2. Thanks, Dr.!

    There's been a couple times I wanted to embed audio in a blog post anybody know how?

  3. Hi Innominatus:
    Very funny stuff, Dr. Dave is a great influence on all of us.
    Bye for now.

  4. SO FUNNY! I smiled out loud! The illustration is perfect!. I have been in radio silence for the past week, but I'm back now, laffing like a big idiot at your posts!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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