Sunday, July 5, 2009

Barry interesting trip

Skip this one if you're offended by cheezy middle-school double entendre...

Helicopter Marine 1 touches down on a small island off the coast of Cuba. As the rotors slow, President Obama exits. He makes an exaggerated duck under the doorway, because, well, you know. Stepping to the ground, he is greeted by a decorated military officer who whisks him away in an old, but well maintained UAZ. They travel some distance up a narrow jungle road, and the driver drops Obama off at the base of a large tree. A rickety ladder leads upward to a treehouse high in the jungle canopy. A crude sign reads

Headquarters of the


A raspy, heavily accented voice calls down "speak the password!"

[Obama] "Redistribution!"

[raspy accented voice] "Climb, imperialist dog, and take your seat at the table!"

[Obama, to himself] "Imperialist dog?? Oh, well" [climbs]

[Reaches treefort and enters. The whithered, diminutive dictator Fidel Castro is in his wheelchair at the head of the table, attended by an attractive nurse. Other dictators are seated at the table - some diminutive, some not. But mostly diminutive.]

[Obama] "Whoa! This is awesome! I'm in the HQ of the Social Justice League! I'm sooooo into Social Justice!"

[Fidel] "My new comrade, sorry about calling you an 'imperialist dog.' Old habits, like old Castros, die hard"

[Diminutive Li'l Kim] "Ha! Fidel so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Fidel] "And there was a typo on the sign we had to correct it by adding some letters. You are actually in the HQ of the International Socialist Injustice League."

[Obama] "Is there really a difference?"

[Li'l Kim] "Ha! Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Hugo Chavez looks at Kim, crosses arms indignantly and rolls eyes]

A rustle below, as another climbs the ladder. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad enters.

[Obama] "Hey, D'jad! Nice to see you. But I never really figured you to be a socialist."

[Ahmadinejad, cold stare at Obama]

[Li'l Kim] "It OK, Barry. He not vewy socialist, but make up for with thugness and corruption. Beside, I in ♫Mah-Mood for a Melody, how 'bout you-u-u-u?♫"*

[Chavez, indignant sigh and eyeroll]

[Daniel Ortega, elbowing Kim] "Enough goofing. We have business to discuss."

[Chavez] ". How was the talk with the Russians? I need their investment in my oil projects!"

[Obama] "Not so good. Russia decided to work with Nigeria instead. They call their joint venture Nigaz. Dunno if I should be offended or not. Those Russians are hard to read. I looked Putin in the eye and everything, but couldn't see his soul so I couldn't tell if he meant it to be racist or if he meant it to be ghetto-cool. So I changed promptly changed the subject. To golf."

[Li'l Kim] "Ha! I see you try pray golf. You swing crub rike you try shoo away angry bee. Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Obama, chuckling] "Yeah, I admit it. I swing one way and the ball goes the other."

[Ahmadinejad, picking up a rock] "Dis is not good! In my country will stone to death the one who swings wrong way." [rears back to throw stone]

[Obama, cringing] "Hey! Easy! It's not my swing that goes the wrong way, it's my balls!"

[Ahmadinejad, dropping rock] [Hides face in crook of elbow] "Gahh! Balls! Too much information! I see in my mind's eye! Can not un-see! Like poison in my eye!"

[Obama] "You don't golf much, do you? You are aware, I hope, that the whole point of the game of golf is to strike a little white ball with an iron club."

[Ahmadinejad] "Not helping!"

[Li'l Kim] "First time I golf, I get thirty-fo under pah!"

[Obama, defensively] "Liar! You're a big fat liar! OK, not as fat as you were a few years ago. Congrats on the diet routine. But you're still a LIAR!"

[ex-president of Honduras Zelaya] "It's true. I was there."

[Obama, pouty] "Yeah? Fine! I suck at golf, but I can still dunk over any one of you fools!"

[Chavez] "But what about my oil?!?"

[Obama] "Look, Yugo. If I ate a whole plate of day-old deviled eggs, my farts still wouldn't be half as sulpherous as that goo that comes from your wells. D'Jad has some decent oil, but yours sucks. I wouldn't put that crap in the asphalt on an American road! Besides, pretty soon I'm gonna make cars illegal so roads will be pretty much pointless, anyway. But that's a whole 'nuther subject."

[Zelaya] "How will you get me back in power, Obama?"

[Obama] "We'll use military force if necessary. I can't have a good leftist dictator getting kicked out anywhere in the Western Hemisphere. That's like coming into my own backyard and kicking my dog. Won't tolerate that!"

[Li'l Kim] "Military force? You have one hand tied in Iraq, the other in Afghanistan. Now you no even have power to shoot down my dong!"

[Ahmadinejad] "Gahh!" [plugs ears, seals eyes tightly. Paws around to find that rock again]

[Obama, dials number on his blackberry] "General. Obama here. Drop a nuke right in the middle of Managua Int'l Airport!"

[unnamed general] "Right away, sir!"

[phone rings]

[Ortega fetches giant brickphone that was sorta cool back when Miami Vice was new] "Bueno"

[muted voice on phone] "Jefe, the airport has just been nuked!"

[Ortega, shocked, slams down phone] "WHY!?!?!? What did I do?"

[Obama] "You're not a nuclear power yet. So I can still bomb you with impugnity. That was just a message to Kim that I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."

[Ahmadinejad] "Note to self: need more centrifuges, ASAP!"

[Fidel] "Comrade Obama. You are very socialist and very unjust. I admire that. But you are too divisive of a figure. I must ask you to leave."

[Li'l Kim] "No! Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

* Can't claim that one. Saw it in the Green Room at

1 comment:

  1. Great post! I nebber-ebber saws it befour! Raff Out Roud!!!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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