Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Stoners of the World, Unite!

And move to Oregon!

My beloved state recently passed a law allowing the cultivation of industrial hemp. Great. It's not like we have a shortage of lazy bowlburners who live off the system and sell their little woven hemp trinkets at the Fall Festival. We have plenty of those types - there is no need to attract more of them.

OK, I'm bracing myself for the barrage of BS from the hemp apologists. "It grows faster than trees." "It sequesters more carbon." "The oil is nutritious." I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT. SPARE ME! I tried weed a few times back in my college days, and I didn't like it. I don't approve of it. But I also don't care that much if people want to use it. It's your brain and your lungs - do with them as you will. Just don't run me off the road when you're trying to drive while you're all squinty-eyed. And don't jack that last donut, either, Captain Herbalife.

What I'm really asking is the hemp apologists to do is just admit the obviousssssssss: You want to get one step closer to legalized weed. Fine. Just put down the lame arguments for a minute and admit it. I'll respect you a Whole Lot More. I can respectfully disagree with people. I can respectfully disagree with people, have lunch with them and count them as friends - while being in complete opposition to their agenda. Just don't try to tell me that we desperately need industrial hemp to revitalize Oregon's economy. Here's a secret: the way out of the economic wilderness is NOT IN MAKING TWINE!!!

Ever hear of jute? It is a natural fiber that does pretty much everything hemp does. Jute is Bangladesh's main export. We are not lacking for useful natural fibers. They're everywhere. Do a little research into Bangladesh. You'll find that it sucks. Badly. The people grow jute and live in dirt huts. Do we really want to try to compete against them? What kind of standard of living do you think you'll achieve by growing hemp and marketing it against Bangladeshi jute? Can you weave 4:20 bracelets fast enough to pay your rent?

Wait a sec... Epiphany moment... Now I get it: You stoners and ecofreaks WANT to ruin Oregon, 'til all there is to do here is grow hemp and live in a dirt hut. You want to sit around burning bowls and banging' your bongos in front of your hut, and you want the rest of us to join you.

Never!!!!!! Excuse me while I turn up the AC change into a 50/50 polycotton blend t-shirt.


  1. Hemp! Its not just for... uh... Dude! I forgot what I was going to... uh, say!

  2. We can ruin Oregon like the Dems ruined Michigan

  3. Red: too late!
    Wolfman: Awesome!!
    Matthew: I swear my state gov't is in some kind contest w/ Mich & Cali to see who can screw up the worst.

  4. Great insight, great choices of words. Heaven help you!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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