Barry Critical Legislation

[Pleasant afternoon. Obama and Rahm E. on back porch of White House, enjoying a smoke break]

[Obama] "Rahm, I sure am thankful for those 8 repubs we were able to turn on our groundbreaking Climate Change legislation. Did you give Waxman a high-5 for getting it done?"

[Rahm] "Well, sire, I hope you won't be too disappointed..."

[Obama] "Whaddya mean?"

[Rahm] "Sire, as I approached the dear congressman to offer my congratulations, he sneezed. His nostrils flared to the size of hulahoops, and his nosehair splayed forth like the bright tassles on a party noisemaker! It was quite disturbing, and it triggered an urgent, immediate need to visit the men's room. So I sent him a flattering text message instead."

[Obama] "Good enough for me." [takes long drag on his Virginia Slim]

[Rahm] "Next up is the crucial Senate vote. On one hand, we need to hurry this along, before any of the conservatives read the 300-page addendum that Waxman tacked on at the last moment. That is the part of the bill that names you Dictator For Life."

[Obama] "No worries. I don't think any of the conservatives are literate enough to read 300 pages of legalese. Certainly not enough to swing the vote, at least. And who would argue against me being Dictator For Life?" [strikes Lightworker pose with hands aloft and chin jutting proudly upward.] "All them other Dictators For Lifes approve highly of me and want me in their club." [flicks butt into Rose Garden]

[Rahm] "Sire, it may be a very close vote. Especially to break the filibuster. Talk Radio personalities and right-wing bloggers are ginning up outrage and encouraging their audience to demand their Senators vote 'no'. They are calling it Cap-and-Tax instead of Cap-and-Trade. They think they are sooooo clever."

[Obama] "Dang. It never dawned on me that people might be opposed to having their utility bills double. Since I'm all for it, I thought they all would be, too."

[Rahm E.] "That is why our haste must be balanced by a long-term brainwashing campaign. Sire, I've taken the initiative and started a new multimedia project that seizes the momentum of this "Cap-and-Tax" nonsense. It will really help sway the voters. It is a DVD that will be shown to every student in every school. Repeatedly. It depicts a courageous hero who rides a living toy polar bear and defends the world from global warming. The hero is known as Cap'n Tax."

[Obama] "Continue"

[Rahm E.] "Well, sire, our intent is to manipulate the emotions of the youngsters, and convince them that Cap'n Tax is the good guy who must be supported. We'll teach them that anyone who opposes Cap'n Tax is an evil, seal-clubbing, burns-old-tires-in-the-backyard-just-for-fun, pollution-spewing, polar-bear-poaching, AC-on-full-blast selfish old-fashioned energy hog who is willfully destroying the planet."

[Obama] "This is sounding really good!"

[Rahm] Cap'n Tax will also be available as an action figure, and we are in negotiations with Dreamworks to produce a hollywood movie - complete with Burger King cups as a tie-in. Kids everywhere will be pleading with their parents to get the action figure and to see the movie. Additionally, the DVD for the schools contains useful instructions for the children on how to guilt-trip their parents into supporting Cap'n Tax!"

[Obama] "So all we need is a distraction to keep the conservatives from reading the bill until we've finished corroding the little kids' minds with our propaganda....Hmmm...."

[Rahm] "Indeed, sire. But the timing is very delicate. We must move quickly."

[Obama] "I know! I'll finally send a harshly worded message to the mullahs in Iran and politely ask that they take it easy on their wholesale slaughter of innocent protestors or something. And maybe we should also do a Predator strike on a jihadi, and then do another Predator strike on the people that show up for that dead jihadi's funeral! Do you think that would be distracting enough?"

[Rahm] "Oh, sire! Those are brilliant ideas! We're still early in the editing process of the DVD. Right now, all we really have done is the artwork for the DVD case. We may need to generate another distraction or two - like maybe a prominent conservative Governor being caught in an infidelity - but we'll proceed with your suggestions right away!"

[Obama] "Cool. I'd like to see that artwork you were talking about."

[Rahm] "Sire, I was hoping you'd say that. I just happen to have a copy with me. Here." [hands artwork to Obama]


[Obama] "OMG! Rahm, this is BY FAR the coolest thing I've ever seen!"

[Rahm] "Oh, thank you, sire!"

[Obama] "Such powerful imagery! There's even more here than you told me about!"

[Rahm] "Yes, sire. That is Cap'n Tax - astride his faithful sidekick, Snowball the Friendly Toy Polar Bear. He wields his mighty pink Magic Wand of Hopenchange to bring Rainbows of Joy to all the good environmentalist children who believe in him. In heroic sweeps of his mighty wand, he lowers the temperature a very small fraction of one degree over several decades and rewards his cronies with billions of taxpayer dollars!"

[Obama] "And he even looks kinda like ME!"

[Rahm] "Certainly, sire! Your universal popularity is a key ingredient in this blockbuster success!"

[Obama, gazing at artwork] "I, uh, um, uh, just need a sec to, uh, take this all in. I mean, uh, that's a lot of awesomeness to absorb all at once!" [Prolonged, dumbfounded stare at artwork as perma-grin forms on his face]

[Rahm, silently to himself] "I am simply elated that Dear Leader so enjoys my idea!" [savors this moment]

[VP Biden] "So there you guys are. I've been lookin' all over for ya! Whatcha got there?" [snatches artwork from still awestruck Obama] "What the heck?"

[Rahm, indignantly] "That, which you hold in your sweaty, malformed paws, is the..."

[Biden] "I'll tell ya what that is - it is the most effeminate thing to ever be printed on paper. Geez, Perez Hilton in a tutu wouldn't even be half as gay as this! And check the ears on this dude! Do they have their own zip code?" [Holds artwork for closer look] "Ha! It even resembles you, Barry! Well, except this guy actually has muscles! Where'd you find this trash? On some no-name no-talent blog or something? This is hilarious!"

[Obama, pouting as he stomps away] "I'm going inside. Leave me alone."