Dr. Barry Feelgood

[Biden, carefree attitude. Feet up on desk. Filing his fingernails and whistling softly]

[Obama] "Hiya, Joe! Whatcha doing?"

[Biden sits up. Sets down fingernail file] "Sir, just sharpening my boogerhooks, sir!"

[Obama, chuckling] "Joe, you seem like a new man lately. What's been going on?"

[Biden] "Well, I've been eating a lot of Rice Chex lately. Seems to really help firm up my stools. That's a real confidence booster."

[Obama] "Uh-huh. Hmmm. You can always count on Joe to say something surprising!"

[Biden] "Sir, yes sir! I am the one that can be counted on, sir!"

[Obama] "OK, here's the deal: How would you like to take a trip to the Ukraine?"

[Biden] "Actually, sir, every time I go to the middle east my chopper gets shot at. So if it's all the same to you...'

[Obama] "Joe, I don't think the Ukraine is in the middle east. I'll check with the State Department, but I think the Ukraine is more like up north, by Siberia. You'll be able to get away from all this heat and humidity."

[Biden] "In that case, I say 'Sir! Yes, Sir!' I'll start packing right away!"

[Obama] "Great. You see, things are going poorly with the carbon tax bill and the healthcare industry takeover screwjob bill. I have to really devote myself to domestic issues right now. And you..."

[Biden, completing the thought] "Have the foreign policy chops."

[Obama] "Exactamundo! Head out as soon as possible!" [Obama exits, heads down the hall]

[Obama, arriving at Oval Office. Rahm E. and Axelrod present] "Guys, I got Joe heading for the Ukraine. Hopefully he doesn't do anything drastically dumb. But even if he does, that's OK, too. It'll be nice to have the cameras on him for a while, instead of on my mom jeans and my gimptastic throwing arm."

[Axelrod] "Aaaaaand your mispronunciation of Comiskey Park. That pretty much ruined all your southside street cred. Dumb crap like that is what makes people doubt your citizenship."

[Obama, sarcastic] "Gee, thanks, Axe! How nice of you to remind me of" [getting angry] "every. one. of. my. oopsies!" [pounds fist on desk in cadence with his words]

[Axelrod] "Sorry! But at least we've had Sebelius and some others out tenderizing the media before the big press conference. They're being actively mocked everywhere they go, so hopefully the press will be all mocked-out by the time you step up to the podium."

[Obama] "TelePrompTer status?"

[Rahm] "Sire, PromptForce One is all patched up. PromptForce Two is ready on immediate standby. We also have a little bluetooth earbud we can use to feed you lines if you start to stammer. Wearing the earbud has the secondary benefit of drawing attention away from your ears themselves, and gives you that cool guy detached look."

[Obama] "Excellent. Some designer sunglasses might be handy, too."

[Rahm] "Yes, sire. Noted."

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[Across the Atlantic, in the Ukraine]

[Biden] "Good thing the boss and his buddy Sarko aren't here."

[Ukrainian Foreign Minister] "Sir?"

[Biden] "The chicks here are flamin' hot! Whoodathunk that the weather would be so nice here in Siberia, and all the girls would be lookin' so fine!?! If Bams and Sarko were here, you'd need a slobber shield a lot more than you need that missile defense shield! Probably need to have a good stash of neck braces on hand, too, 'cuz those guys would be dislocating themselves all over the place trying to take in all the good views."

[UFM] "Sir, we're in the Ukraine, which is far south and somewhat west of Siberia."

[Biden] "So that's not the Arctic Ocean? Hmmm. South and west... Then that must be the Med." [points at large body of water in the distance]

[UKM, annoyed] "Sir, that is the Black Sea. The Med, I believe, is what you should increase your dose of. But I am not a doctor."

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[Later that day, back in the USA]

[Obama, to press corps. Wearing Ray-Bans] "But I am not a doctor. I'm not going to be making those decisions. I don't want to take over the healthcare industry."

[press corps snickers quietly]

[Obama] "While I won't be making those decisions, somebody will. End-of-life care involves very difficult decisions. When faced with a difficult decision, I usually vote 'present!' but that isn't going to get the job done here. Somebody's gonna have to decide whether granny lives 5 more years or is given a handful of pain pills and told to chow down."
[reporter] "Does your reform bill cover these kinds of circumstances?"

[Obama] "Dunno, never read it. It's over a thousand pages. That makes it longer than the Bible, which I've never read, either. But anything that has so much in common with the Bible should probably be supported without question. That's how I feel about it. So, Republicans, I'm talking to you now: voting against this bill is like voting against the Bible. Try to explain that one to your bitterclinger constituents."

[press corps snickers some more]

[reporter] "Mr. President, will you be enrolling in the program?"

[Obama, cracking up] "Now that's funny!"

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