Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ask a Wise Wide Latina

"Ask a Wise Wide Latina" is an advice column, and should be used for entertainment only - not for investment purposes. The Wide Latina may refuse to answer any question that might tend to incriminate her. The Wide Latina will also reject any question that has racist undertones. The Wide Latina promises to give her best effort to answer each question submitted, but, you know, she's a Wide Latina and just might not get around to answering yours. Your mileage may vary.

Dear Wide Latina,

I am a morbidly obese minority female. I have been bed-bound since 2003. When I can summon the strength, I lean over to use a wastebasket as a toilet. When my strength is too low - well, umm... nevermind. I survive on large quantities of pizza and cheeseburgers that the neighborhood kids bring me. In exchange, I let them use my food stamps. The Bangladeshi fellow at the minimart fudges the rules and allows the kids to buy smokes with my card. It is a pretty good system.

I recently applied for a job with the local Fire Department. I was not hired. I did not even get an interview. I believe I have been discriminated against. For the record, the fire department has had to visit my apartment many times. They regularly break down my wall and roll me up the ramp of the u-haul for my frequent trips to the emergency room. Thus I have much experience in rescues, wall breaching, and emergency medical conditions. Yet I was not hired. I believe it is because of my minority status and possibly my bad odor. What should I do?


Heartbroke and Housebound in Hoboken.

Dear Triple H,

You're livin' the dream life, and the only thing you're missin' is CASH. There's only one answer. Lawyer up, baby! Then pick a number between 1 and 100. Then put the word "million" behind that, and the word "dollars" at the end. That is the amount of damages you should sue for. Take it all the way to the Supreme Court, sister. I got your back!


Dear Wide Latina,

I am an ordinary white male leading an ordinary life. I admire your rise from ghetto gutter junk to Supreme Court nominee. But I have some lingering doubts about the truthfulness of your answers during the hearings. Please elaborate.


Isaac in Idaho.

Dear White Supremacist Hatemonger,

I received my A.B. from Princeton and my J.D. from Yale Law. I have serious doubts as to whether I can dumb-down my answer enough that you would even get it. People like you have farmer's tans and AA degrees in diesel mechanics. I don't expect you to understand. The truth is, is that truth is strictly the providence of imminent jurists like myself. When you have acquired the vast storys of wisdom that I have, get back to me. 'Til then, well, just hang out with you Aryan buddies up there in Idaho and try not to get drunk and shoot each other.


  1. You have, perhaps, gone beyond me in obnoxious lowlife blogging with class. I know; it doesn't make sense to me either. That's because I'm a racist. You just be a misogynist.

  2. Dear Wide Latina,

    I am suffering from huge bags under my eyes... I even got a call from Samsonite asking me to advertise for them. What should I do to get rid of these oil filled wrinkled suitcases under my eyes?

    Thought ya'd like that too.

  3. Love your work.

    "... province of" not "... providence of"

    "you" should be "your" typo

    Aristomenes, the Grammar Nazi

  4. Oh - and "stores" not "storys"


  5. Oh - and "stores" not "storys"


  6. Anon, thanks for the "love your work."

    The bolded words were SIC on purpose, as that's the way our esteemed SCOTUS nominee actually spoke during her testimony.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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