Barry, the healer of race relations

[Obama, to WH press corps] "So I've invited Crowley and Gates over to have a beer. We'll talk this out like adults and lead by example. We're going to personally show America how to improve race relations."

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[Sgt. Crowley, arriving at WH] "Mr. President, I'm very pleased to meet you, sir."

[Obama] "Umm, yeah. Same here. I'm kinda sorry that I said you acted stupidly. I should have said you acted 'rashly' or 'hastily' or 'bigotedly' or something like that."

[ruckus just off camera causes Crowley and Obama to turn their heads towards it]

[Sec Officer 1] "Mr. President, your guest has become unruly at the security checkpoint."

[Gates, in the distance] "What's the matter? Don't like blaaaaaaaack people comin' in the Whiiiiiiiite House?"

[Sec Officer 2, with Gates] "Mr. Gates, all visitors to the White House must go through the security screening process. It has nothing to do with race. Please step through the metal detector."

[Gates] "Oh, yeah! I'll step through the detector, and then I'll screen yo' mama!"

[Obama entering the scene] "Guys, it's OK. This is a friend of mine. Let him through. Besides, if he tries anything, that stupid cop I invited over will just blow him away. So you all can just chill out and let my homey in."

[Sec Officer] "Yes, sir."

[Obama, ushering Gates over to meet Sgt. Crowley]

[Sgt. Crowley, extending hand] "Good Evening. Wish things had gone a little differently the other night. But not much we can do about the past. All we can do is try to get along better, now."

[Gates] "I got nuttin' to say to your racist racial-profiling racist white face! OK, maybe I got this to say:"

[ bad beatbox, even worse rap]

Sgt. Crowley, I want to stomp on your head.
(Oh) Sgt. Crowley, do you wish I wuz dead?
Your beatdown on me seemed so tragic
With the thrill of it all
You fooled all those people with magic
(Yeah)You answered the 911 call

Sgt. Crowley, are you racially pure?
Sgt. Crowley, did you lie in your report?
Uncovering things that were secret, biggest pest on this earth
(Oh)Conceived in the eye of a secret
Yeah, they scattered the afterbirth

[beatbox solo]

Sgt. Crowley, will you ride my black horse?
Sgt. Crowley, it's symbolic of course
Approaching a time that is classic
I hear that Obama called
Approaching a time that is drastic
Standing the crackers 'gainst the wall!

[Beatbox solo, fade to silence]

[Gates] "What do you think of that!?!"

[Crowley] "Umm, it sounds like you just ripped off some Ozzy lyrics and tried to make them about me."

[Gates] "Oh, I see how it is! Blame the brother for rippin' off some old white guy's lyrics! Jump to conclusions! Not even investigate whether I wrote those rhymes myself!"

[Crowley] "Wrote yourself? A lot of the words you didn't even bother to change!"

[Gates] "So what if I didn't change some of the words! You ever try to come up with a rhyme for 'magic' or a rhyme for 'afterbirth'? Not so easy to do! Don't think you could do any better, whitey!"

[Crowley] "So you admit that you stole Ozzy's lyrics."

[Gates] "I don't admit nothing! I ain't been read my rights! Call the ACLU! Call the Southern Poverty Law Center! Entraaaaaaaaaaaaapment!"

[Obama] "Gentlemen. Please. Let's just sit down and have a beer. Smile to the camera and try to be civil. I got my butt in a sling over this issue, and I need a bailout. Please. Please just behave for a few minutes. What do you drink?"

[Crowley] "Umm, what do you have? A Guiness, maybe?"

[Obama] "Sure. Skip?"

[Gates] "I want a 40 of OE800. And a paper sack. 'Cuz that's what Big Boss Man with the Badge and the Glock thinks that's what I should want. I don't want to piss off The Man with the Badge." [Kneels on floor, clasps hands behind his head] "See, I ain't resisting! Don't taze me bro, I be good."

[Crowley, eyeroll]

[WH staffer brings 3 beers]

[Crowley takes a big swig of his Guiness]

[Gates takes a big swig of his OE]

[As Obama tries to take a small sip of his Bud Light, he accidentally pokes himself in the eye with the little paper umbrella.] "Stupid umbrella, acting stupidly!" [throws umbrella aside, takes sip]

[Gasps audibly, struggling to speak] "Jeeves!" [pant] "Did you..."

[WH staffer] "Yes, sire! I mixed your Bud Light 50/50 with cold deionized water, per your preferences."

[Obama] "Are you trying to kill me? More water! And bring me one of those fancy swirly straw thingies!"

[Crowley and Gates exchange an incredulous look]

[WH staffer brings diluted beer w/ straw]

[Obama] "Much better!"

[Crowley and Gates nod to each other, get up, and leave]

[Gates] "Can you believe that dork? Let's go downtown and really have a beer."

[Crowley] "Yeah."