Friday, July 31, 2009

Barry Harsh Hangover

[MichelleO, drawing back curtains to let sunlight in] "Wake up, sleepy! That beer a little too much?"

[Obama, covering eyes] "Gaa! My head is pounding! I've never been this hung over in my life!"

[MichelleO] "Yeah, no joke. You drank almost a whole pint of light beer. But you gotta get out of bed."

[Obama] "Nah. I'm calling in sick today."

[MichelleO] "How would you like a nice big bowl of creamstyle corn, with little bits of raw minced oysters in it?"

[Obama, covering mouth. Gets up and dashes to bathroom] "Bjork!" [sounds of sickness]

[MichelleO] "I knew that'd get him out of bed!"

[Obama, returning. Using sleeve of Aquaman pajamas to wipe some yuck off the corner of his mouth] "That was just plain mean."

[MichelleO] "I can't believe your behavior last night!"

[Obama, rubbing forehead] "Wow. I don't remember a thing. I hope it went well."

[MichelleO] "Well, first of all Biden just kind of showed up."

[Obama] "This doesn't sound good."

[MichelleO] "Aw, you ain't heard nothing, yet. When Teddy Kennedy heard alcohol was being served, he just kind of invited himself. Since Crowley and Gates are from Massachusetts, Kennedy brought some of his Boston buddies with him - John Kerry and Barney Frank."

[Obama] "Oh geez. I need an Excedrin really, really bad."

[Rahm E. enters] "Sire, the press corps has questions about the beer summit."

[Obama] "K. I'll be down in a minute."

A few minutes later, in the WH briefing room....

[Jake Tapper] "Mr. President, were you at all shocked by yesterday's events?"

[Obama] "OK, you guys are used to hearing democrats say 'I don't recall' whenever they are in trouble. But this time it is true. I have the worst hangover, and I don't remember anything from yesterday."

[Tapper] "Are you serious? You didn't even finish that first pint!"

[Obama, testy] "So what! It was a hot day! And I was on an empty stomach! Are you saying I'm a lightweight?!?"

[Major Garrett] "Mr. President, any word yet on how much it'll cost to fix the fountain?"

[Obama, blank stare]

[Major] "Sir, after about his 13th beer, Senator Kennedy went for a joyride on the riding lawnmower and crashed it into the water fountain. Thankfully, he is fat and the fountain is shallow - so there was no real risk of drowning - but the fountain got pretty fubar'd."

[Obama] "I'll have to get back with you on that."

[Andrea Mitchell] "Mr. President, has John Kerry turned up anywhere?"

[Obama] "I didn't know he was missing."

[Mitchell] "He said something about being sick of hanging out with 'little people.' Then he said he wanted his medals back and started rummaging around in the hedges by the fence. Nobody has seen him since."

[Obama] "Well, he's not really missed. If he doesn't show up in a month or two, we'll send out a search party."

[Rachel Maddow] "Mr. President, the gay community is very pleased with yesterday's summit. Tell us what it was like to dirty-dance with Barney Frank."

[Obama] "I have no idea what you are talking about, and I resent the question."

[Maddow] "But sir, the vid has already gone viral. It has had almost 9 million views since last night when I posted it."

[Obama] "I need a vacation!"

QuickPost 7/31/09

When I consider all the fartfunnels representing us in Congress, federal taxes shall be henceforth known as "Cash for Clunkers"

Thursday, July 30, 2009

iOTW rules, and other great news

I've been a fan of i Own The World for quite a while. The first time I clicked over there, there was a comic-book style depiction of Biden having delusions of killing pirates and saving the Maersk Alabama. The artwork was excellent, and the storyline was laugh-out-loud. I've been visiting there are couple times a day ever since. I put them in my sidebar links, too. Unfortunately, my sidebar links are pretty far down the page and you may have missed them since you're too lazy and/or illiterate to read the whole bill before you vote on it I mean read that far down the page. At least that's what the liberals like to say about you, but they're probably lying again.

So yesterday, out of nowhere, I get an email from iOTW asking how I'd feel about them linking up my "Barry, healer of race relations" post. I tried to remain cool and aloof. "Um, yeah, I'll have my people get with your people and maybe we can work something out. Ciao, baby."

Yeah, right! I was double-freak-out-McJazzed about the whole idea. Like Sally Field getting her Oscar, only not quite as annoying. OK, when I told my wife about it she wasn't so impressed. I think she'd rather watch reruns of Sally Field getting her Oscar than listen to me talk about my blog. So maybe it was just as annoying. I'll let you know after the votes are tallied.

But the good news is, as my popularity is on the rise, Obama's is fading. He was booed on the way through North Carolina. His numbers are splattin' the crapper. Coincidence? I think not!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Near Death Experience

Alright, it's hot here. Record heat. OK, every year "they" say record heat but every year it seems to be a record of 103 or 104. Are we keeping track to fractions of a degree? Record Heat Wave! Today's highs expected to be 103.04 degrees, shattering the old mark of 103.03!!

But the heat prompted a cow-irker I mean co-worker to buy a big box of Otter Pops to put in the freezer and share. That was nice. Unfortunately, I hadn't had an Otter Pop since Reagan was president. Kinda forgot how they work. The Otter Pop was pretty much gone, but I thought I'd be able to suck the last bit of coldness out of that thing. Turns out I could - all too well. The crap shot down my throat the wrong way and just about did me in. I coughed so hard I gakked up that housefly that flew down my throat when I was riding my tricycle back in '73. Tunnel-vision was setting in and I knew the Grim Reaper was near at hand. I had mental pictures of GWB and his pretzel experience. I decided right then and there that I had to fight - giving up would be the coward's way. I just couldn't allow my epitaph to read "Found dead sucking on an Otter Pop" so I willed myself to survive. By sheer steely resolve, I made it through the Choke of All Time and lived to tell the tale.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oregon gov't getting dumber at an unsustainable rate

This post prompted by a certain entertaining commenter who thinks Oregon is a little "eccentric". I intend to prove him right.

It is well known that it is illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon. That's what dropouts are for. Well, our lovable state government recent passed a bill making it illegal to top off your tank. Not that we were ever allowed to, but now you can't even ask the dropout to do it for you. The penalty for tank-topping is a $5000 fine. No, I'm serious. The reasoning is that you might top your tank and then go park your car before you've used much of the fuel, and the gas could warm up and expand. Then some of that expanded gas might actually dribble out from under your gas cap and kill a bug on the ground or something. Horror! They say that there's no enforcement included in the bill - it's supposed to be merely symbolic. But we're in the midst of major budget problems, so I can just see this becoming a new revenue stream. Governor Kulongoski will sneak out in his big gov't SUV and ask the dropout at the gas station to top it off. The dropout will politely decline, so the guvnah will offer the dropout $10 and since the dropout needs a new controller for his XBox, he'll agree. Then the guv will write the dropout a ticket for $5000 and clap and laugh like a maniac. The dropout will fall for the ruse 'cuz the govnah spends so much time under a rock that few people recognize him. Quite cunning, our governor.


Not only that, but Oregon was recently crowing about the huge number of jobs the stimulus has created. Keep in mind, that in the latest coaches' poll, Michigan was number 1 and Oregon was number 2 in unemployment. Dig a little bit and one finds that the jobs created lasted an average of 35 HOURS. Yep, you get hired by the state for a temp job pulling old tires out of the creek ("crick" to most of the locals) for less than a week, and that counts as job creation. Woohoo!


No, I don't have links for the above. Links are for lazy people. Go Bing your Google and see if I'm lying. You'll find that I'm not.

America getting dumber at an unsustainable rate

I assert that Americans is getting dumberer at an alarming rate. The evidence is mounting. You've likely seen the clip if the California dingbat solving all the world's problems. I like OregonGuy's take on it the best so far. Then there's the paranoid toxic oxide rainbow death girl. Neither should Miss South Carolina's contributions be overlooked. I could also link up something said by Maxine Waters, but that would scare people away from my blog forever. Don't want that. But you see the pattern, nonetheless.

The problem is that it takes DOZENS of Stephen Hawkings just to cancel out those four mentioned above - and keep the intelligence bell curve from totally falling off the left side of the page. So far, though, there has only been one Hawking, and I'm pretty sure he isn't even an American. Can you see the trouble we're in? Meanwhile, advances in AI are getting truly scary. How long until the machines surpass our intelligence? Looks to me like it will happen some time this weekend. What will be your response? Have you even made your plans yet? Better get on it!

Personally, I'm stocking up on commemorative Obama glassware and fortifying my treefort. I'll see you after the apocalypse...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Vick reinstated by NFL

Heard on the radio that Michael Vick has been reinstated by the NFL. Marvy. So if I tell you he's a detestable individual, that means I must be racist, right? Of course! Geez, man! Who are you to comment on another person's culture? Breeding puppies just to watch them kill each other is admirable behavior among certain lowlife subcultures of quasiAmericans. So just shut up, you stupid head-in-the-sand conservative!

Vick hasn't been signed by a team. Yet. Hope nobody does. But some team will. Maybe they'll wait for a year or so, but somebody will sign him. Then my hope will be that his new team plays my Steelers and James Harrison sacks him from behind at full speed and drives Vick's face so far into the turf at Heinz that Vick is still poopin' Pittsburgh mud in his old age.

Barry, the healer of race relations

[Obama, to WH press corps] "So I've invited Crowley and Gates over to have a beer. We'll talk this out like adults and lead by example. We're going to personally show America how to improve race relations."


[Sgt. Crowley, arriving at WH] "Mr. President, I'm very pleased to meet you, sir."

[Obama] "Umm, yeah. Same here. I'm kinda sorry that I said you acted stupidly. I should have said you acted 'rashly' or 'hastily' or 'bigotedly' or something like that."

[ruckus just off camera causes Crowley and Obama to turn their heads towards it]

[Sec Officer 1] "Mr. President, your guest has become unruly at the security checkpoint."

[Gates, in the distance] "What's the matter? Don't like blaaaaaaaack people comin' in the Whiiiiiiiite House?"

[Sec Officer 2, with Gates] "Mr. Gates, all visitors to the White House must go through the security screening process. It has nothing to do with race. Please step through the metal detector."

[Gates] "Oh, yeah! I'll step through the detector, and then I'll screen yo' mama!"

[Obama entering the scene] "Guys, it's OK. This is a friend of mine. Let him through. Besides, if he tries anything, that stupid cop I invited over will just blow him away. So you all can just chill out and let my homey in."

[Sec Officer] "Yes, sir."

[Obama, ushering Gates over to meet Sgt. Crowley]

[Sgt. Crowley, extending hand] "Good Evening. Wish things had gone a little differently the other night. But not much we can do about the past. All we can do is try to get along better, now."

[Gates] "I got nuttin' to say to your racist racial-profiling racist white face! OK, maybe I got this to say:"

[ bad beatbox, even worse rap]
Sgt. Crowley, I want to stomp on your head.
(Oh) Sgt. Crowley, do you wish I wuz dead?
Your beatdown on me seemed so tragic
With the thrill of it all
You fooled all those people with magic
(Yeah)You answered the 911 call

Sgt. Crowley, are you racially pure?
Sgt. Crowley, did you lie in your report?
Uncovering things that were secret, biggest pest on this earth
(Oh)Conceived in the eye of a secret
Yeah, they scattered the afterbirth

[beatbox solo]

Sgt. Crowley, will you ride my black horse?
Sgt. Crowley, it's symbolic of course
Approaching a time that is classic
I hear that Obama called
Approaching a time that is drastic
Standing the crackers 'gainst the wall!
[Beatbox solo, fade to silence]

[Gates] "What do you think of that!?!"

[Crowley] "Umm, it sounds like you just ripped off some Ozzy lyrics and tried to make them about me."

[Gates] "Oh, I see how it is! Blame the brother for rippin' off some old white guy's lyrics! Jump to conclusions! Not even investigate whether I wrote those rhymes myself!"

[Crowley] "Wrote yourself? A lot of the words you didn't even bother to change!"

[Gates] "So what if I didn't change some of the words! You ever try to come up with a rhyme for 'magic' or a rhyme for 'afterbirth'? Not so easy to do! Don't think you could do any better, whitey!"

[Crowley] "So you admit that you stole Ozzy's lyrics."

[Gates] "I don't admit nothing! I ain't been read my rights! Call the ACLU! Call the Southern Poverty Law Center! Entraaaaaaaaaaaaapment!"

[Obama] "Gentlemen. Please. Let's just sit down and have a beer. Smile to the camera and try to be civil. I got my butt in a sling over this issue, and I need a bailout. Please. Please just behave for a few minutes. What do you drink?"

[Crowley] "Umm, what do you have? A Guiness, maybe?"

[Obama] "Sure. Skip?"

[Gates] "I want a 40 of OE800. And a paper sack. 'Cuz that's what Big Boss Man with the Badge and the Glock thinks that's what I should want. I don't want to piss off The Man with the Badge." [Kneels on floor, clasps hands behind his head] "See, I ain't resisting! Don't taze me bro, I be good."

[Crowley, eyeroll]

[WH staffer brings 3 beers]

[Crowley takes a big swig of his Guiness]

[Gates takes a big swig of his OE]

[As Obama tries to take a small sip of his Bud Light, he accidentally pokes himself in the eye with the little paper umbrella.] "Stupid umbrella, acting stupidly!" [throws umbrella aside, takes sip]

[Gasps audibly, struggling to speak] "Jeeves!" [pant] "Did you..."

[WH staffer] "Yes, sire! I mixed your Bud Light 50/50 with cold deionized water, per your preferences."

[Obama] "Are you trying to kill me? More water! And bring me one of those fancy swirly straw thingies!"

[Crowley and Gates exchange an incredulous look]

[WH staffer brings diluted beer w/ straw]

[Obama] "Much better!"

[Crowley and Gates nod to each other, get up, and leave]

[Gates] "Can you believe that dork? Let's go downtown and really have a beer."

[Crowley] "Yeah."

Friday, July 24, 2009

Obama running out of friends

[Happy Dance!]

Today's Daily Tracking Poll* from Rasmussen shows D'ohBama's approval has finally dipped below 50%. For those still wandering in a cloud of ignorance, this poll is a three-day rolling average. Which means that today's numbers don't yet fully include the effects of The Great Prime-Time Healthcare and Stupid Cops Oration. Then again, so few people watched it that the effect may be quite insignificant. But anyway, the teflon-coated invincibility that had been ascribed to The One now looks like cheap Chinese lead based paint that peels right off.

Like Limbaugh, I hope he fails. Thankfully he has, for the most part. Except when he's retained Bush-era policies. Those seem to mostly work OK. But I was pretty spooked when Porkulous got passed - I'd figured that if a turd that smelly could be passed, then we were really in for it. I was sure that by summertime we'd have recently-amnestied Guatemalan witchdoctors doing our single-payer tonsilectomies in carbon-neutral "green building practices" hospitals built from blocks of cowpoop adobe with windmills on the roof.

But somehow the stench of Obama has made it past the hepafilter of the MSM and the people are starting to get it. My only "fear" now is that the economy will snap out of it in such a way that Bams can claim credit. Our system, even when shackled by outrageous demands from DC, is too strong to stay down for long. It will come back, at least most of the way. We are Americans, and We are Exceptional. Don't care if you don't like my attitude - it's true. Sooner or later we'll get our second wind. I just don't want Obama to also get a second wind by being able to say "Look! The Stimulizational Bill thing we ramrodded up your breechblock is working! I am vindicated! Now lemme fix healthcare, too!" No, Barry. Any success our country enjoys will be IN SPITE of your policies, not DUE to your policies. Remember that.

Right now Obama is running out of friends, and I like it that way. Remember when you were dividing up teams to play dodgeball, and there was that dorky highpants girlthrower who was always picked last? That's how I want Obama to feel.
*That link is to Rasmussen's Daily Average. They don't have separate links for each daily poll, so if you're slow and read this sometime after today, you may find that the numbers have changed. Maybe his numbers will be worse, or maybe he'll pull his weiner out of the deepfryer in time to salvage things. If you click the link and find that he's somehow back above 50%, well, shut up.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dr. Barry Feelgood

[Biden, carefree attitude. Feet up on desk. Filing his fingernails and whistling softly]

[Obama] "Hiya, Joe! Whatcha doing?"

[Biden sits up. Sets down fingernail file] "Sir, just sharpening my boogerhooks, sir!"

[Obama, chuckling] "Joe, you seem like a new man lately. What's been going on?"

[Biden] "Well, I've been eating a lot of Rice Chex lately. Seems to really help firm up my stools. That's a real confidence booster."

[Obama] "Uh-huh. Hmmm. You can always count on Joe to say something surprising!"

[Biden] "Sir, yes sir! I am the one that can be counted on, sir!"

[Obama] "OK, here's the deal: How would you like to take a trip to the Ukraine?"

[Biden] "Actually, sir, every time I go to the middle east my chopper gets shot at. So if it's all the same to you...'

[Obama] "Joe, I don't think the Ukraine is in the middle east. I'll check with the State Department, but I think the Ukraine is more like up north, by Siberia. You'll be able to get away from all this heat and humidity."

[Biden] "In that case, I say 'Sir! Yes, Sir!' I'll start packing right away!"

[Obama] "Great. You see, things are going poorly with the carbon tax bill and the healthcare industry takeover screwjob bill. I have to really devote myself to domestic issues right now. And you..."

[Biden, completing the thought] "Have the foreign policy chops."

[Obama] "Exactamundo! Head out as soon as possible!" [Obama exits, heads down the hall]

[Obama, arriving at Oval Office. Rahm E. and Axelrod present] "Guys, I got Joe heading for the Ukraine. Hopefully he doesn't do anything drastically dumb. But even if he does, that's OK, too. It'll be nice to have the cameras on him for a while, instead of on my mom jeans and my gimptastic throwing arm."

[Axelrod] "Aaaaaand your mispronunciation of Comiskey Park. That pretty much ruined all your southside street cred. Dumb crap like that is what makes people doubt your citizenship."

[Obama, sarcastic] "Gee, thanks, Axe! How nice of you to remind me of" [getting angry] "every. one. of. my. oopsies!" [pounds fist on desk in cadence with his words]

[Axelrod] "Sorry! But at least we've had Sebelius and some others out tenderizing the media before the big press conference. They're being actively mocked everywhere they go, so hopefully the press will be all mocked-out by the time you step up to the podium."

[Obama] "TelePrompTer status?"

[Rahm] "Sire, PromptForce One is all patched up. PromptForce Two is ready on immediate standby. We also have a little bluetooth earbud we can use to feed you lines if you start to stammer. Wearing the earbud has the secondary benefit of drawing attention away from your ears themselves, and gives you that cool guy detached look."

[Obama] "Excellent. Some designer sunglasses might be handy, too."

[Rahm] "Yes, sire. Noted."


[Across the Atlantic, in the Ukraine]

[Biden] "Good thing the boss and his buddy Sarko aren't here."

[Ukrainian Foreign Minister] "Sir?"

[Biden] "The chicks here are flamin' hot! Whoodathunk that the weather would be so nice here in Siberia, and all the girls would be lookin' so fine!?! If Bams and Sarko were here, you'd need a slobber shield a lot more than you need that missile defense shield! Probably need to have a good stash of neck braces on hand, too, 'cuz those guys would be dislocating themselves all over the place trying to take in all the good views."

[UFM] "Sir, we're in the Ukraine, which is far south and somewhat west of Siberia."

[Biden] "So that's not the Arctic Ocean? Hmmm. South and west... Then that must be the Med." [points at large body of water in the distance]

[UKM, annoyed] "Sir, that is the Black Sea. The Med, I believe, is what you should increase your dose of. But I am not a doctor."


[Later that day, back in the USA]

[Obama, to press corps. Wearing Ray-Bans] "But I am not a doctor. I'm not going to be making those decisions. I don't want to take over the healthcare industry."

[press corps snickers quietly]

[Obama] "While I won't be making those decisions, somebody will. End-of-life care involves very difficult decisions. When faced with a difficult decision, I usually vote 'present!' but that isn't going to get the job done here. Somebody's gonna have to decide whether granny lives 5 more years or is given a handful of pain pills and told to chow down."
[reporter] "Does your reform bill cover these kinds of circumstances?"

[Obama] "Dunno, never read it. It's over a thousand pages. That makes it longer than the Bible, which I've never read, either. But anything that has so much in common with the Bible should probably be supported without question. That's how I feel about it. So, Republicans, I'm talking to you now: voting against this bill is like voting against the Bible. Try to explain that one to your bitterclinger constituents."

[press corps snickers some more]

[reporter] "Mr. President, will you be enrolling in the program?"

[Obama, cracking up] "Now that's funny!"


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Bernanke's report to Congress

This guy's speech. Pattern. Is about. As fluid as. High-carbon tool steel. Can we. Patch up the dead. TelePrompTer and lend it. To Ben. ?.

It doesn't. Help that he. Is usually full. Of Crap.

Stoners of the World, Unite!

And move to Oregon!

My beloved state recently passed a law allowing the cultivation of industrial hemp. Great. It's not like we have a shortage of lazy bowlburners who live off the system and sell their little woven hemp trinkets at the Fall Festival. We have plenty of those types - there is no need to attract more of them.

OK, I'm bracing myself for the barrage of BS from the hemp apologists. "It grows faster than trees." "It sequesters more carbon." "The oil is nutritious." I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT. SPARE ME! I tried weed a few times back in my college days, and I didn't like it. I don't approve of it. But I also don't care that much if people want to use it. It's your brain and your lungs - do with them as you will. Just don't run me off the road when you're trying to drive while you're all squinty-eyed. And don't jack that last donut, either, Captain Herbalife.

What I'm really asking is the hemp apologists to do is just admit the obviousssssssss: You want to get one step closer to legalized weed. Fine. Just put down the lame arguments for a minute and admit it. I'll respect you a Whole Lot More. I can respectfully disagree with people. I can respectfully disagree with people, have lunch with them and count them as friends - while being in complete opposition to their agenda. Just don't try to tell me that we desperately need industrial hemp to revitalize Oregon's economy. Here's a secret: the way out of the economic wilderness is NOT IN MAKING TWINE!!!

Ever hear of jute? It is a natural fiber that does pretty much everything hemp does. Jute is Bangladesh's main export. We are not lacking for useful natural fibers. They're everywhere. Do a little research into Bangladesh. You'll find that it sucks. Badly. The people grow jute and live in dirt huts. Do we really want to try to compete against them? What kind of standard of living do you think you'll achieve by growing hemp and marketing it against Bangladeshi jute? Can you weave 4:20 bracelets fast enough to pay your rent?

Wait a sec... Epiphany moment... Now I get it: You stoners and ecofreaks WANT to ruin Oregon, 'til all there is to do here is grow hemp and live in a dirt hut. You want to sit around burning bowls and banging' your bongos in front of your hut, and you want the rest of us to join you.

Never!!!!!! Excuse me while I turn up the AC change into a 50/50 polycotton blend t-shirt.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Summer's here!

Summer's here, and the time is right
for dancing in the street!
for whining 'bout the heat!

A couple weeks ago I was sniveling about the temps barely reaching 70. Euripides suggested I should move to Phoenix. But I've flown through Sky Harbor a couple times when the temp was about 111. Not gonna do it!

Now we're mid-90s looking at 100 for the weekend. Finally feels like July. But my little joke of a window-mount AC is making funny noises. Scary. Without that little white box, I'm a dead man. When it's hot here, it's hot. I used to have a neighbor from Saudi Arabia. One year when it got to about 103 he was complaining about how nasty it is, saying that 125 back home in the desert was actually more bearable. That gives me an idea - there's actually a whole series of blog posts I could do on that Crazy Saudi Guy. Interesting dude.

Also, today when I was putting on a T-Shirt, I raised my arm to get it through the armhole. Absentmindedly, my raised hand went right into the ceiling fan. Yes, it was on. No, it didn't hurt. That's due to a combination of my fan being a worthless turd, and me being invincible - but mostly because I'm invincible.

Ask a Wise Wide Latina - Special Edition

"Ask a Wise Wide Latina" is an advice column, and should be used for entertainment only - not for investment purposes. The Wide Latina may refuse to answer any question that might tend to incriminate her. The Wide Latina will also reject any question that has racist undertones. The Wide Latina promises to give her best effort to answer each question submitted, but, you know, she's a Wide Latina and just might not get around to answering yours. Your mileage may vary.

Today's question comes from commenter aA

Dear Wide Latina,
I am tired of not being able to find .40 ammunition for less than double the normal price. Do you have a stash that I could buy from?

I promise I'll never use the gun or the ammo, I just want to have it cuz it's heavy and makes me feel powerful.

I am of Swedish descent. Does that make me inherently bad?
Dear Guy Who Is At The Top Of Every Alphabetized List,

Your Swedishness does not make you inherently bad. You are probably still bad because the Swedes are notoriously not very brown. Please don't ask me to sponsor you as a new member of La Raza - nobody'll believe me. Besides I just recently quit that racist organization so I'll look good at the confirmation hearings. OK, maybe not "look good" as much as "look a little less repulsive" but you get my drift.

Anyway, it pretty much comes down to whether you're recently descended of modern socialist Swedes or not. If you are one of these enlightened Volvo drivers, then you are certainly not all that bad. But if you are descended from the ancient ax-wielding berzerker viking Swedes, well... Houston, we have a problem! You didn't say, so I'll have to use my wise latina empathy and read between the lines. Hmmm. You asked a gun question. Not promising at all. Hmmm... you are a male who wants to feel powerful. Even less promising... OK, I've reached a verdict: You're not inherently bad, you are bad by choice. Shame.

Regarding your ammo question, I know nothing about guns but hate them anyway. I also know nothing about carrying heavy things to feel powerful. That kind of sounds like exercise - which is another topic I know nothing about but hate anyway. I am not able to answer those questions. Therefore, like an honorable jurist, I shall recuse myself and ask for another to reply. Thankfully two of my associates are available to help...

Hello, aA. Bawney Fwank here. I'm not sure why the Wide Latina asked me to help. I hate guns and would outlaw them in a second if I had the chance. Similarly, I hate lifting heavy things. That's for the illegal laborers I hire. I am quite fond of Scandinavian men, though. So when you say "bad" do you mean "truly evil" or do you mean "naughty"??

aA, this is Nancy Pelosi and I have some answers for you. The shortage of .40s&w is due to its popularity with the police forces in my home district of San Francisco. When the troubled, misguided, unfortunate youth form gangs like MS-13 and shoot at our cops, those rotten old cops return fire without hesitating! Can you believe it? They don't even TRY to negotiate! They just shoot back! So we confiscate their ammo. But then they order more, so we confiscate again. And so it goes. Most of the .40 ammo is now at the bottom of the bay which has really screwed up the supply/demand curve. It is all just another failed Bush policy that we can finally roll back now that Obama and the rest of the adults are in charge.


Bawney Fwank writes a column for Congressional Quarterly called "Turn the Page" in which he shares his strategies for seducing young congressional interns. He is also the author of "Diaries of Anne Fwank" - a collection of his adventures, which you really, really don't want to read.

Each weekday Nancy Pelosi hosts a vibrant discussion of the cosmetic uses of botulism toxin, cyanide, hemlock, and related deadly things. It is called "Talkin' Tox!" and it airs during the latenight hours on XM Satellite Radio Channel 666. Despite a preponderance of evidence, we think she is not actually an undead creature.

Pray for Pfc Bowe Bergdahl

The name of the captured US Marine has been released. He is PFC Bowe Bergdahl from Idaho. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be held captive by the taliban, and be paraded in front of the cameras like that.

Ideally, his captors would release Bergdahl, come out with their hands up, announce that they have renounced islam and all its lies, and ask for mercy. That is really what I'm hoping for.

But if that doesn't happen, I hope our Marines find him and liberate him. I hope that when they find his captors, their aim is true. The taliban need to learn the brutal lesson that taking our men hostage is WAY TOO EXPENSIVE TO EVER CONSIDER DOING AGAIN. If the taliban don't release our countryman, I want to see taliban brains spattered on the wall and taliban entrails hanging from the fenceposts. No, I'm not kidding.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Ask a Wide Latina 7/18/09

"Ask a Wise Wide Latina" is an advice column, and should be used for entertainment only - not for investment purposes. The Wide Latina may refuse to answer any question that might tend to incriminate her. The Wide Latina will also reject any question that has racist undertones. The Wide Latina promises to give her best effort to answer each question submitted, but, you know, she's a Wide Latina and just might not get around to answering yours. Your mileage may vary.

Dear Wide Latina,

I am suffering from huge bags under my eyes... I even got a call from Samsonite asking me to advertise for them. What should I do to get rid of these oil filled wrinkled suitcases under my eyes?

-Atomic Lib Smasher

Dear Smasher,

To be rid of your bags once and for all, you should fly Delta! Ha, ha! See, the Wide Latina is also the Funny Latina! But seriously, my people have a remedy for this. Prepare a batch of Bacalaítos batter but do not cook it. Allow it to sit, unrefrigerated, until the codfish aroma is very pungent. Using a paintbrush, apply the batter to the face or other affected areas. As the batter dries to a cakelike consistency, it will leach the oil right out and the skin should tighten to a youthful, Pelosi-esque appearance. If this fails (which it almost never does) you can always run for office. The haggard and weary eyebag look shows the voters that you are a diligent worker who is willing to stay up late to do the will of the people. They will find you worthy of their vote. And on those nights when the liquor is too much and you drive off a bridge and kill people, the press will be used to your haggard and weary appearance and not report that you are a drunken womanizing murderer.

It also dawns now on the Wide Latina that your question about wrinkled, oily bags might be insencere. If that is the case, all I can suggest is "Drill Here, Drill Now!"

Friday, July 17, 2009

Cursed Cell Phones!

I used to like Motorola back in the '80s when they were David to Intel's Goliath. Good times, good times. Man, that seems like a long time ago. Now I have this totally fracking stupid moto phone. This morning it showed about 2/3 charge. Shoulda been fine all day. But noooooo.... Now it's doing that periodic "low battery" cheep that makes me want to strangle people. I can find NO WAY to mute it. Yeah, I get it - the battery is low. Fine, just shut up! Save some of that precious charge for something more important than annoying me, please!

Want to really torture some Gitmo detainees? Lock 'em in a room with a dozen low-battery Motorola crap-phones.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ask a Wise Wide Latina

"Ask a Wise Wide Latina" is an advice column, and should be used for entertainment only - not for investment purposes. The Wide Latina may refuse to answer any question that might tend to incriminate her. The Wide Latina will also reject any question that has racist undertones. The Wide Latina promises to give her best effort to answer each question submitted, but, you know, she's a Wide Latina and just might not get around to answering yours. Your mileage may vary.

Dear Wide Latina,

I am a morbidly obese minority female. I have been bed-bound since 2003. When I can summon the strength, I lean over to use a wastebasket as a toilet. When my strength is too low - well, umm... nevermind. I survive on large quantities of pizza and cheeseburgers that the neighborhood kids bring me. In exchange, I let them use my food stamps. The Bangladeshi fellow at the minimart fudges the rules and allows the kids to buy smokes with my card. It is a pretty good system.

I recently applied for a job with the local Fire Department. I was not hired. I did not even get an interview. I believe I have been discriminated against. For the record, the fire department has had to visit my apartment many times. They regularly break down my wall and roll me up the ramp of the u-haul for my frequent trips to the emergency room. Thus I have much experience in rescues, wall breaching, and emergency medical conditions. Yet I was not hired. I believe it is because of my minority status and possibly my bad odor. What should I do?


Heartbroke and Housebound in Hoboken.

Dear Triple H,

You're livin' the dream life, and the only thing you're missin' is CASH. There's only one answer. Lawyer up, baby! Then pick a number between 1 and 100. Then put the word "million" behind that, and the word "dollars" at the end. That is the amount of damages you should sue for. Take it all the way to the Supreme Court, sister. I got your back!


Dear Wide Latina,

I am an ordinary white male leading an ordinary life. I admire your rise from ghetto gutter junk to Supreme Court nominee. But I have some lingering doubts about the truthfulness of your answers during the hearings. Please elaborate.


Isaac in Idaho.

Dear White Supremacist Hatemonger,

I received my A.B. from Princeton and my J.D. from Yale Law. I have serious doubts as to whether I can dumb-down my answer enough that you would even get it. People like you have farmer's tans and AA degrees in diesel mechanics. I don't expect you to understand. The truth is, is that truth is strictly the providence of imminent jurists like myself. When you have acquired the vast storys of wisdom that I have, get back to me. 'Til then, well, just hang out with you Aryan buddies up there in Idaho and try not to get drunk and shoot each other.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Start the Countdown!

The world as we know it is on the glide slope to oblivion. Need proof? Read this and then try to convince me that things will ever be normal again! They won't. This is it. This is the big one. This is like the monkeys finding the obelisk and banging it with the femurs of their vanquished foes. This is the simian Great Leap Forward. 'Cept they aren't gonna screw it up the way Mao did. 'Cuz they can control robots with their jedi mind powers! Did Mao ever manage that? Don't think so! When millions of people starve, it will be because the monkey overlords willed it to be - not because some ham-handed socialist Chicago thug mismanaged the central planning. Of course ham-handed mismanagement of the economy by a Chicago socialist thug may be a minor contributing factor, but that's a topic best left to another post. For now, we must stay on-topic and concentrate on this monkey menace.

The worst part, is that we humans are enabling them. Does our innate self-destructiveness know any limits at all?

Electrodes implanted in the monkey's motor cortex, the brain's movement control centre, pick up pulses within individual neurones.
One can tell from the spelling that there are Brits involved. How utterly unsurprising.

The system is so quick that if the arm overshoots the monkey's intended target, it can rapidly correct the movement.
Abandon all hope of outmaneuvering the bionic monkey.

Regarding the use of tools, our turncoat monkey collaborator tells us:

We use them all the time. Imagine you're moving your arm to get that piece of food. Conveying that to a monkey is pretty difficult, yet the monkey learns it fairly rapidly.
Great. And this is just jedi monkey murderbot 1.0 - what will the future versions look like? The monkey will continue to learn, and our lovely Brit scientists will further miniaturize the system until the whole thing is monkey-portable. That's when we'll be in real trouble.

The monkey cannot feel the electrodes in its brain, and did not appear to be distressed by the wires leading from a socket on its head.
Unlike Bill Clinton, the jedi monkeys DO NOT FEEL OUR PAIN. Pain, distress, fatigue - these are alien concepts to the monkeys. They will not stop. They will not cry "uncle" when we pinch them. They will just keep coming. And coming.

Unless some of those wires are hooked to 480V/3ph and by flicking a switch I can turn his little monkey neck into a little furry spattercone à la Scanners. That'd be pretty cool. I could live with some robomonkeys that were strong enough to do manual labor yet feared for their life every time I raised my voice. But the article does not specify whether these monkeys have this vulnerability. Until I know with certainty that I can safely off 'em by flippin' a light switch, I will assume the worst.

State of the Blog Address

Been having fun with this lately, just wish I had more free time. Picked up some followers and got some comments from new visitors. I really appreciate that. Traffic is up, but "up" is relative. Ever see those "I'm a flappy bird" or "I'm an intestinal worm" or whatever in the TTLB Ecosystem widgets that people put on their blogs? When I went to to sign up, they said "You're not even an insignificant microbe. You're a couple molecules short of being an amino acid. Go away, you no-traffic loser!"

Fine! I didn't want your stupid blog-slowing widget anyway!


I'm also finding that I'm having more fun visiting lesser known blogs rather than the biggies. Yeah, I still go to hotair, ace, etc, to see what's in the news, but rarely get involved in the comments. There's just too much going on; too many divergent conversations to try to filter through. I find that a lot of the smaller blogs have equal (or superior) insights and the discussions in the comments are more rewarding. These bloggers also don't have to worry about offending an advertiser, so they can really call it like they see it.

So when you see a blog with Followers, click on a few and see what they're all about. See who they're following and click there, too. Click on somebody's comment and see what they have to say back on their own blog. You'll find that there is just a TON of perceptive, inspiring and downright hilarious content out there that is going under-appreciated.

Monday, July 13, 2009

HUUUUGE Announcement!

Imagine... Imagine winning the lotto AND discovering a simple cure for Bawny Fwanks' listhpy speech impediment - all in the same day. That's how I feel! But I can't talk about it yet. No. For now, it must remain secret. Don't try to pry it out of me, either. I won't talk. Yet. But around the middle of August I'll let you in on it... 'Til then? Tough! You just gotta wait it out!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Barry Scary Counseling Session

Dr. Dave is a corrupting influence on me.

[Rahm E] "Sire, the republicans are making great gains. The next congressional election could be quite problematic"

[Obama] "I heard. We need to get our swagger back. Rebalance our energies. Reclaim our mojo!"

[Rahm] "Do you mean?...."

[Obama] "Yes, round up the First Family. You're going with us."

[Obama, MichelleO, Sasha and Rahm enter presidential limousine]

[Obama] "Where's Malia?"

[MichelleO] "She wanted to wear her new peace-sign t-shirt to that Code Pink protest. I said it was OK."

[Obama] "Alright then. Let's roll! Jeeves, take us to K Street."

[Chauffer] "M'lord, my name is Steven."

[Obama] "Shut up, Jeeves! Just take us to K Street. I'll tell you when to pull over."

[Steven the Chauffer] "Yes, m'lord."

[Limo travels down the street famous for its lobbying offices]

[Obama] "This is good. Stop here."

[Limo smoothly brakes to a halt in front of Crooked Lobbying and Contemplative Yoga, LLC. Obama and entourage exit limo and enter CL&CY office]

[Ashley the receptionist] "Mr. President, so good to see you! Things just haven't been the same around here since you left the Senate! But your appointment to meet with the Crooked Lobbyists isn't until next week!"

[Obama] "We're not here for that. We're here for some Contemplative Yoga."

[Ashley darts from room, comes back seconds later dressed in stretchy workout clothes] "This way, please follow me." [Leads entourage to serene yoga studio in back room]

[Ashley] "Please, take a seat on the mat. I recommend the Lotus Position."

[Obama and crew sit on floor]

[Ashley] "Begin chanting the mantra while I prepare the studio"

[MichelleO] "Ommm...Ommm"

[SashaO] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Rahm] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Steven the Chauffer] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Barack Obama] "Ummm...Ummm"

[Ashley pulls out zippo w/ Planned Parenthood logo, begins lighting candles] [With back to entourage, bends deep at the waist to light incense, giving a pretty good view to those interested]

[BO, whipering] "Hey Rahm! Check the caboose on that instructor chick!"

[Rahm, giggling] "Easy there, Casey Jones! Better watch your speed!"

[BO] "Toot! Toot!"

[MO, overhearing, gives BO the stinkeye and growls like a Mastiff guarding a t-bone]

[Ashley] "OK, class. Contemplate your persona. Decide what is the biggest part of you. Today, we will meditate on bringing the rest of you up to that same level. Thus your energies shall come into balance and your mojo shall return."

[Rahm] "Ommm... The biggest part of me is my dancing. I want to excel at everything I do, just as I have done in ballet."

[Ashley] "Excellent"

[BO] "Ummm...I have a huge heart - I can't stand to see peoples' lives meddled with by an intrusive, overly expensive and unresponsive government. I want my intellect to be as expansive as my heart."

[Ashley] "Ooh! We're really making great progress!"

[Sasha] "Ommm... I want a pony!"

[BO] "But you get to ride around on Rahm's back! Isn't that close enough?"

[Sasha] "No, daddy. When I feed him grass he always spits it out."

[BO, sternly] "Rahm, from now on, you swallow!"

[Rahm, adjusting necktie nervously] "Yes, sire."

[MO] "Ommm... I am so angry! Try to imagine a wookie with burrs in his fur, tangled up in a big roll of velcro. Try to imagine how mad that wookie would be. I'm even madder than that! I want the rest of my life to be as big and vibrant as my everpresent, white-hot rage!"

[Ashley] "Class, I do believe we're on the verge of a breakthrough!"

Before their very eyes, Michelle Obama begins to grow. She continues, convulsively, to add height and bulk. Sitting up, her head bursts through the ceiling and a manic snarl appears across her face. She stands, and towers over the landscape.

[MO, in a voice so deep it is almost subsonic] "I rule the midnight air! The Destroyer!"

[BO and entourage dash outside, where a tourist group is pointing at the gigantic MO]

[American tourist] "It's MOdzilla!"

[Japanese tourist] "No! I once see real godzilla. He have small t-rexy arm. Not sculpted like those!"

[MO picks up a bus and throws it back down as she makes her way toward the center of town]

[Another tourist] "It's Queen Kong!"

[Yet another tourist] "Nah, the legs are too long. I think it's Cthulhu!"

[Stoned skater punk passing by] "Look out, dude! When she shows her teeth like that, it means the inner jaw is about to strike and rip your throat out!"

[MO lets out a deafening nasal roar] "Nrahhaghh!"

[Skater kid] "She sounds like a wookie!"

[Rahm] "Maybe we can negotiate with her. Without preconditions."

[People begin to panic and flee. Sirens are heard in the distance.]

[BO, aloud, to noone particular. Getting scared.] "OK, OK! Connect the dots... Uhh... Ok... She called herself 'the destroyer' and she was very angry. Uhh... She was in the middle of meditative Yoga... which has hindu origins... she shrieks like Chewbacca..."

[BO, screaming] "Oh no! Now she is become MObacca, Destroyer of Worlds! Run! Run for your lives! Run like Michael Moore to a Krispy Kreme sale! Save yourselves!"

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Barry potent fashion statements

[Michelle O] "Barry! I saw that!"

[Barack O] "Umm, saw what?"

[MichelleO] "You rubberneckin' that white girl!"

[Obama] "Umm, it's not what it looks like. Not at all." [mind racing] "I thought she dropped something and I was going to bend over and pick it up. Uhh, you know, gentlemanlyishly"

[MichelleO] "You gawk, then you lie, so now you got a choice to make: You can take your whuppin' like a man, you can eat a big bowl of heavy-metal-death-cabbage, or you can hand over the Visa card!."

[Obama] "Nah, nah, nah!" [Burst of courage, forceful tone] "I'm tired of getting pushed around! My approval ratings are in the sewer, China and India laugh at my global warming initiatives, the Senate doesn't even want to talk about it, and Joe's out there running his mouth about who know what! Now, you're going to support me!"

[MichelleO] "Never waste a good crisis, Barry! Now cough up the plastic, or I go on Oprah and cry about your wanderin' eyes!"

[Malia] "And I'm wearing this chickenprint peace shirt! Don't try to stop me!"

[MichelleO] "Yeah, you tell 'im, baby!"

[Obama, mad but defeated] "Ratfart!" [Pulls out Spiderman wallet, peels open the velcro, and gives Michelle the Visa card]

[MichelleO] "Got my eye on that $800 handbag. Gonna be looking fiiiiiiiiiine with that $800 handbag! Gonna say it cost $6000 and pocket the difference!"

[Obama, under his breath] "Good. Maybe the shiny new handbag will distract people from noticing the width of your butt. Gotta be at least two ax-handles wide."

[MichelleO, sleeveless dress revealing flexing biceps] "Say what?"

[Obama, defiant] "Yeah, you heard me! Fine, go ahead, beat me up again! Put it on YouTube! Give the reichbloggers more reasons to question your femininity!"

[MichelleO, gasping in surprise] "Barry, I've never seen you act like this!"

[Obama] "Well, I'm just about mad enough to, to, uh, try to break a pencil or something"

[MichelleO, getting misty-eyed] "And there are really people out there who mock my appearance?"

[Obama, cheering] "Ha! Heck yeah! Some of them are like crazy-funny!"

[MichelleO, crying, slugs Barack in the shoulder, who winces in pain. Both end up in a good long cry.]

Of Course I'm Angry!

I'm in the middle of engraving 10 iPod Touch for Oregon State University. Man, I'm glad Oregon's government isn't in the middle of a huge budget crisis and can still afford to piddle away money on shiny trinkets.


The dog got a hold of an unopened bag of bagels and ate all 6. Then he has the brass to act hungry a few minutes later.


It was fairly hot last week, but the last couple days have barely cracked 70. It's been cold enough in the mornings that I've wanted to wear a jacket. I Will Not Wear A Jacket In July! Darned glad Algore hasn't flown by; it'd probably snow.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Obama & Medvedev - Reward for pic!

There are several iterations of the "Handshake Pic" between Prezzez Obama and Medvedev floating around the internet (which, btw, is a series of tubes). Most of these pics are ordinary, some are full of that detestable super-smiley-fake-sincerity, while a choice few are begging to have a snarky caption applied to them. But somewhere this morning I saw one where the two were leaned in very close to each other, as though whispering, and Medvedev had an unmistakable frown. Dunno if 'Bama got the sushi breath, or if maybe he gleeked on Med or what, but it was a funny pic.

Can't remember where I saw it. I've traversed my browser history and can't find it. Searched Google Images and zilch. I want that pic. I want it bad! I will reward handsomely the one who points me toward this pic of The Won.

Reward is negotiable, but be assured - it will be handsome. Which means it will probably include a framed portrait of me. Just get me that pic!

Breaking News

This just in: Michael Jackson is STILL dead, and his funeral is being held today. Please do not waste valuable airtime or network bandwidth on any other topic. Your cooperation is appreciated. That is all.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Barry interesting trip

Skip this one if you're offended by cheezy middle-school double entendre...

Helicopter Marine 1 touches down on a small island off the coast of Cuba. As the rotors slow, President Obama exits. He makes an exaggerated duck under the doorway, because, well, you know. Stepping to the ground, he is greeted by a decorated military officer who whisks him away in an old, but well maintained UAZ. They travel some distance up a narrow jungle road, and the driver drops Obama off at the base of a large tree. A rickety ladder leads upward to a treehouse high in the jungle canopy. A crude sign reads

Headquarters of the


A raspy, heavily accented voice calls down "speak the password!"

[Obama] "Redistribution!"

[raspy accented voice] "Climb, imperialist dog, and take your seat at the table!"

[Obama, to himself] "Imperialist dog?? Oh, well" [climbs]

[Reaches treefort and enters. The whithered, diminutive dictator Fidel Castro is in his wheelchair at the head of the table, attended by an attractive nurse. Other dictators are seated at the table - some diminutive, some not. But mostly diminutive.]

[Obama] "Whoa! This is awesome! I'm in the HQ of the Social Justice League! I'm sooooo into Social Justice!"

[Fidel] "My new comrade, sorry about calling you an 'imperialist dog.' Old habits, like old Castros, die hard"

[Diminutive Li'l Kim] "Ha! Fidel so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Fidel] "And there was a typo on the sign we had to correct it by adding some letters. You are actually in the HQ of the International Socialist Injustice League."

[Obama] "Is there really a difference?"

[Li'l Kim] "Ha! Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Hugo Chavez looks at Kim, crosses arms indignantly and rolls eyes]

A rustle below, as another climbs the ladder. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad enters.

[Obama] "Hey, D'jad! Nice to see you. But I never really figured you to be a socialist."

[Ahmadinejad, cold stare at Obama]

[Li'l Kim] "It OK, Barry. He not vewy socialist, but make up for with thugness and corruption. Beside, I in ♫Mah-Mood for a Melody, how 'bout you-u-u-u?♫"*

[Chavez, indignant sigh and eyeroll]

[Daniel Ortega, elbowing Kim] "Enough goofing. We have business to discuss."

[Chavez] ". How was the talk with the Russians? I need their investment in my oil projects!"

[Obama] "Not so good. Russia decided to work with Nigeria instead. They call their joint venture Nigaz. Dunno if I should be offended or not. Those Russians are hard to read. I looked Putin in the eye and everything, but couldn't see his soul so I couldn't tell if he meant it to be racist or if he meant it to be ghetto-cool. So I changed promptly changed the subject. To golf."

[Li'l Kim] "Ha! I see you try pray golf. You swing crub rike you try shoo away angry bee. Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Obama, chuckling] "Yeah, I admit it. I swing one way and the ball goes the other."

[Ahmadinejad, picking up a rock] "Dis is not good! In my country will stone to death the one who swings wrong way." [rears back to throw stone]

[Obama, cringing] "Hey! Easy! It's not my swing that goes the wrong way, it's my balls!"

[Ahmadinejad, dropping rock] [Hides face in crook of elbow] "Gahh! Balls! Too much information! I see in my mind's eye! Can not un-see! Like poison in my eye!"

[Obama] "You don't golf much, do you? You are aware, I hope, that the whole point of the game of golf is to strike a little white ball with an iron club."

[Ahmadinejad] "Not helping!"

[Li'l Kim] "First time I golf, I get thirty-fo under pah!"

[Obama, defensively] "Liar! You're a big fat liar! OK, not as fat as you were a few years ago. Congrats on the diet routine. But you're still a LIAR!"

[ex-president of Honduras Zelaya] "It's true. I was there."

[Obama, pouty] "Yeah? Fine! I suck at golf, but I can still dunk over any one of you fools!"

[Chavez] "But what about my oil?!?"

[Obama] "Look, Yugo. If I ate a whole plate of day-old deviled eggs, my farts still wouldn't be half as sulpherous as that goo that comes from your wells. D'Jad has some decent oil, but yours sucks. I wouldn't put that crap in the asphalt on an American road! Besides, pretty soon I'm gonna make cars illegal so roads will be pretty much pointless, anyway. But that's a whole 'nuther subject."

[Zelaya] "How will you get me back in power, Obama?"

[Obama] "We'll use military force if necessary. I can't have a good leftist dictator getting kicked out anywhere in the Western Hemisphere. That's like coming into my own backyard and kicking my dog. Won't tolerate that!"

[Li'l Kim] "Military force? You have one hand tied in Iraq, the other in Afghanistan. Now you no even have power to shoot down my dong!"

[Ahmadinejad] "Gahh!" [plugs ears, seals eyes tightly. Paws around to find that rock again]

[Obama, dials number on his blackberry] "General. Obama here. Drop a nuke right in the middle of Managua Int'l Airport!"

[unnamed general] "Right away, sir!"

[phone rings]

[Ortega fetches giant brickphone that was sorta cool back when Miami Vice was new] "Bueno"

[muted voice on phone] "Jefe, the airport has just been nuked!"

[Ortega, shocked, slams down phone] "WHY!?!?!? What did I do?"

[Obama] "You're not a nuclear power yet. So I can still bomb you with impugnity. That was just a message to Kim that I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."

[Ahmadinejad] "Note to self: need more centrifuges, ASAP!"

[Fidel] "Comrade Obama. You are very socialist and very unjust. I admire that. But you are too divisive of a figure. I must ask you to leave."

[Li'l Kim] "No! Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

* Can't claim that one. Saw it in the Green Room at

Presently not mad at Senator McCain

Today is one of those rare days when I'm not mad at Senator McCain...

The fellowship my church belongs to has its more-or-less "headquarters" in Prescott, Arizona. Every 4th of July, the town of Prescott has a God & Country event. Parades, music, etc... I heard this morning at church that yesterday, our fellowship invited the Senator to speak and he agreed. This comes as a surprise to me, not because I doubt the Senator's patriotism (I certainly don't!) but it was short-notice, and our fellowship has a bit of a reputation for being bold (some who don't know better might say we're "obnoxious").

Senator McCain addressed a significant crowd in front of the county courthouse. When he concluded, Pastor Mitchell took the mike and pulled an altar call right then and there! Reports are that many people responded. Glory! Senator McCain and his entourage stayed through the call instead of hightailing it like one might expect a busy public official to do.

Now, Senator, please vote an emphatic NO! on cap-n-tax and ObamaCare. I'd like this odd feeling of not being mad at your maverickyness to linger for a while!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Twitter Statements Considered Harmful

Twitter Statements Considered Harmful.

Congrats if you're a big enough geek to get that reference without clicking the link. I think Twitter would be OK if it only had a better name. So if you're a venture capitalist and want to send me some seed money to get a more manly version of Twitter going, feel free. I'll spend it wisely. I'm still struggling to come up with a good name, though. So far, I'm leaning towards DOOM - Dynamic Overrated Overhyped Messaging. I'm confident a real man would prefer something like DOOM over Twitter.

But then again, I have this silly little blog thingy where I can post the same kind of junk, and not be restricted to that girly little 140 character limitation. DOOM will allow at least 150 characters. And emoticons will not be tolerated. But DOOM isn't running yet, because you haven't sent the cash. Guess I'll have to stick to the blog for now. So here's a bunch of psuedorandom stream-of-consciousness twittery kind of junk to tide you over until DOOM becomes self-aware...


It's finally summer here. The other day was high 90s and we had to turn on the AC for the first time. We're back down in the 80s now but at least it kinda feels like July. I was worried that we'd sequestered too much carbon and there'd be no summer at all.


I have two dogs. Chance, seen in my gravatar pic, is half Rott and half Bloodhound. I call him a Bloodweiler 'cuz it scares the kiddies. Sunshine is the female and acts like it. Very emotional. Her mom is Golden Retriever and her dad is Great Dane & Lab. She looks like a big lab with slightly longer fur. Chance weighs about 115lbs and Sunshine about 105. Sunshine needs to lose a little and get down to about 90, but she doesn't like it when I say so. While big, both are very friendly. Chance is very leggy and really fast when he has room to get up to speed. When he runs, he reminds me of a young horse with his legs seeming to go all over the place. Chance has a bad habit of pulling things off the kitchen counter when we're not home. At least we think it's Chance. We never seem to catch them in the act. When I drink coffee, I don't screw around - I drink if from a big plastic Big Gulp cup. So yesterday, I put my finished Big Gulp o' Java in the sink, still about half-full of water from my rinse-out. We ran some errands, and when we got home there was evidence that Chance had been in the kitchen. A box of something was all tore up, and my cup, STILL HALF FULL was standing upright in the middle of the living room near the shredded cardboard. No signs of spillage anywhere. I couldn't bring myself to scold him, since that is just pretty darned amazing.


One of the errands I mentioned above was to go get a flag to display out front. It's sad how few there are in our town. I have a *big* WWII era 48-star flag hanging on the living room wall, but until yesterday had nothing outside. Shame on me. My next-door neighbor is cool though, he actually bugles Taps (poorly) every evening when he brings his flag down.


For an organism to prosper, it must know how to survive. For the species to prosper, the parents must train their offspring how to survive. For the cycle to continue, though, the parents have to teach their offspring how to train their offspring how to survive. Parenting lessons, so to speak.

The Greatest Generation, the ones who bested the Depression and the Axis powers, begat the mostly-loathesome Boomers. So the generation before the Greatest Generation did well at training their offspring to survive, but didn't get the parenting part properly instilled. So we ended up with a bunch of boomer hippie freaks in the '60s who are Senators today, because that generation that grew up during the Woodrow Wilson era broke the cycle. However one tries to analyze the ailments of modern America, sooner or later one realizes that it's all Woody's fault. Big-time liberalism pretty much had its origins in Wilson. Big government, internationalism and hippie freaks all come courtesy of Woody. Thanks a lot, Woody.


I love the 4th of July. I am an unapologetic jingoistic flag-wavin' American. I love the National Anthem - except that time Roseanne sang it. I love F-15s flying over football games. I love those YouTube clips of our guys in Apache helicopters blowing up their guys in pickup trucks. I don't love most country music, but I really do love the patriotic sentiment found in some of the songs.

But I also admire national pride expressed by others. I love those pics of Iraqis with purple fingers. I love how the Hondurans are telling the rest of the world to get bent. I love how the Iranians stood up to tyranny. I love it when some country whose name I can barely pronounce gets an Olympic medal or wins a soccer game, and their countrymen get jazzed about it and cheer and wave their flags. God Bless 'em all!


Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Barry Alternate Universe

Inspirations: an old aA comment about MAD magazine parodies, a post on IMAO about Obama's lack of awesomeness, and the 4th of July weekend.

Star Date: 2109.7.04 - USS Independence NCC-1776 is in geosynchronous orbit above Tehran.

[Security Officer Chekolitano, mild russian accent] "Odmiral! Sensors indicate a Somali pirate wessel has de-cloaked just outside the ship!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Raise shields!"

[Chekolitano] "Too late, Odmiral! They're already inside the perimeter of our shields! They're attempting to board! OMG! They're pouring in like illegal aliens crossing the border for free medical treatment!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Spiden, you have the bridge! I'm taking charge of this situation personally!"

[no response]

[Odmiral Obama] "Spiden? Spiden?" [Into intercom] "Scotty, where's my first officer? What's taking so long?"

[Scotty] "Sir, the awesometizer won't work on Spiden. I'm givin' ya all we got, Odmiral, but I cannah break the laws of physics!"

[Obama] "Not good enough! I need a first officer, now, or we're all dead!"

[Scotty] "But Odmiral, you and most of your cabinet awesometized quite nicely. But ev'ra time I try'n pull Spiden through, the system just cannah handle that much suckyness. The dang thing gimme the blue screen o' death ev'ra time!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Scotty, we may be worthless and feeble in that other universe, but in this reality, you've got to do better! But seriously, I can't believe it is the year 2109 and we're still getting screwed by the blue-screen-of-death!"

[Scotty] "Sir, I've managed to pull Spoclinton through the awesometizer. She'll be on the bridge in a moment."

[First Officer Spoclinton arrives on the bridge]

[Odmiral Obama] "Spoclinton, you have the bridge." [Unholsters competition-style double-stack .45 with compensator and holographic sights] "Red Alert!"

[Captain Kirk Odmiral Obama fight song begins playing] "Da - da -na -na -na -na -na -na -nih -na -naaaaaaah"

[Odmiral Obama enters secret passageway between decks and climbs down a ladder. Dagger between teeth and .45 in hand]

[Pops hatch, peers outward. A pirate, about 20 feet away, is looking the other direction]

[Odmiral Obama] "How many quatloos do you wager?"

[Pirate turns, confusedly] "Whaaa?"

[Odmiral Obama throws dagger which fatally strikes the pirate in the throat]

[Looms over fallen pirate, rhetorically, in a low growl] "How daaaaare you attack a US-flagged vessel!"

[Odmiral Obama retrieves dagger and victoriously wipes pirate blood across his uniform then proceeds down the corridor]

[Hears somali being spoken in the distance. Hurries his pace. Compensated .45 held at high-ready] [Using his superhuman intelligence and mastery of language skills, he translates the somali he's hearing] "They're saying first we keel all you then all ur starship r belong to us!" [Breaks into full sprint towards voices]

The Odmiral rounds a corner and encounters the some pirates, who are holding some female crewmembers at gunpoint. Without breaking stride, the Odmiral drops the first pirate with a superbly placed cranio-ocular shot that leaves huge and graphic ventilation ports in the pirate's skull. A second pirate swings his AK around to engage the Odmiral, but a masterful execution of the Mozambique Drill results in another dead pirate. The third pirate drops his weapon and flees.

[twittery sound from Odmiral's communicator, then the voice of Security Officer Chekolitano] "Sir, the pirates have given up and are retreating to their pirate wessel."

[Odmiral] "Excellent." [Hits Scotty on communicator speed-dial] "Scotty, get to the transporter room and beam all their weapons to a secure place, like the hangar bay. Then beam an armed photon torpedo onto their craft, with a 30 second delay on the fuse."

[Scotty] "Aye, Odmiral!"

As the Odmiral heads back to the bridge, a violent explosion rocks the Independence. It is the torpedo detonating in the nearby pirate vessel. First Officer Spoclinton, seated in the Captain's chair on the bridge, clings tenaciously to the armrests as the others on the bridge are jostled off their feet.

Odmiral Obama reaches the bridge and heads for his seat. Spoclinton doesn't budge. [Odmiral] "Spoclinton, I have the bridge. Return to your station."

[Spoclinton] "Never!" [Grabs the Odmiral's head with funky grip] "My thoughts to your thoughts...Your rank to my rank"

[Odmiral] "Spoclinton! In this parallel universe, we are the inverse of what we are in the other reality. You're supposed to be whatever's the opposite of a conniving, power-hungry bi..."

[Spoclinton, interrupting] "I used my legendary Vulcan Mental D
iscipline to retain my original personality when I went through the awesometizer! The Independence is mine!"

[Odmiral, beginning to weaken from the mind meld] "N...Ne...Nev...Never!!!" [Raises arms abruptly and violently, breaking the mind meld] [Performs patented double-fisted hammer blow on upper back of stunned Spoclinton]

[Spoclinton falls and breaks elbow]

[Odmiral Obama] "You shall not accompany me in my heroic journey." [Forcefully] "Take Spoclinton to the brig!" [Expendable crew members in red uniforms seize the First Officer and haul her away]

[Gibbhura] "Sir! A transmission from Earth"

[Odmiral] "Open a channel. Onscreen"

The display shows news coverage of a young Iranian woman bleeding out from a bullet wound to the chest. An un-awesometized Joe Biden arrives on the bridge.

[Odmiral Obama, seething with rage at what he's seeing on the display] "Khaaaaaaaan! Ooops, I mean Mahmooooood!" [Presses intercom button] "Bones! Get to the hangar bay and load those AKs and RPGs on the shuttle craft."

[Dr. Harry McReid] "Da**it, Barry! I'm a doctor, not a pallet jack!"

[Odmiral] "Just do it, Doctor!" [cancels intercom] "Sululosi, scan the Earth for Ahmedinejad's coordinates."

[Navigator Nancy Suluosi] "I've got him, Odmiral!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Set phasers to immolate. Fire!"

[On Earth, a brilliant blast of phaser energy causes Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and a nearby stack of fraudulent ballots to flash to vapor]

[Odmiral] "Joe, you're with me. Chekolitano, you have the bridge."

[The Odmiral and Biden head for the hangar bay]

[Odmiral] "So, Joe, how is it that you aren't awesome in this reality?"

[Biden] "Scotty tried to 'splain it to me. Since I have exactly zero awesomeness, the inverse of me would be infinite awesomeness. He said he thought about pulling me through the awesomizer anyway, but started having second thoughts. Uncertain, he consulted the Heisenburg Uncertainty Compensator - hey, did you know that the uncertainty compensator looks just like a magic 8-ball? One time when I was a kid in Scranton I sunk the 8-ball on the break and won the Scranton junior billiards title. I still have the trophy. It's on the mantel next to my autographed..."

[Odmiral] "JOE!"

[Biden] "Sorry. The compensator told Scotty the damage to spacetime would be too much. And it might make me collapse into a black hole of nothing. So here I am, just plain ol' Joe."

[Reaching the hangar bay, they board the Shuttle Craft Teddy Roosevelt]

[Odmiral] "Joe, just sit down and shut up. Don't touch ANYTHING!"

[They launch and head for Tehran]

[Landing amidst a raucous crowd, Odmiral Obama and Joe Biden climb out and begin distributing weapons to the protestors]

[Crowd] "Death to the mullahs! Death to the Ayatollah! We love America! Happy Birthday America!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Good luck! May your revolt against tyranny live long and prosper!"

[Biden] "Um, yeah, The Force Is With You!"

[crowd] "Wrong parallel universe, you idiot!"

[Biden] "Hey! You can't talk to me like that! I'm the Stimulous Sheriff AND the uh, guy who's in charge of reconciliation in Iraq."

[Crowd throws shoes at Biden] [Biden fearfully ducks for cover inside the Roosevelt]

[Odmiral] "We must leave now"

[crowd] "Thank you Odmiral! After we use these new weapons to wreak much violence on the mullahs and slaughter many basij, we will have peace and oil profits! Maybe we will even be nice to Israel!"

[Shuttle craft departs. Crowd waves and cheers.]

[Shuttle over the Indian Ocean. A message from the Independence comes in]

[Gibbhura] "Odmiral, sensors indicate that North Korea is launching a missile at Hawaii."

[Odmiral, increduous and angry] "On the 4th of July?!? The streets of Pyongyang will flow red with the blood of communists!!!" [To Biden] "Adjust course for the Nork missile site."

[Biden] "Umm, I don't know how to do that. I'm only here for my Foreign Policy expertise."

[Odmiral] "FINE! I'll show you what I call foreign policy expertise!" [seizes controls of shuttle and makes a high-g turn towards the northeast. Shuttle accelerates to nearly warp speed. Which, by the way, is very dangerous to do while still in a planet's atmosphere. Only a genuine hero like the Odmiral would dare attempt it]

[Gibbhura] "Sir, it appears the missile's engines are starting. Launch is imminent!"

[Biden] "Uh, shouldn't we convene a Security Council meeting at Federation HQ and organize some sanctions or something?"

[Odmiral] "There's no time! Like so many who have shed their blood for our freedom, I'm willing to die for my country! Aren't you?"

[Biden] "Uhh, I've been a Senator most of my life. I'm not used to making sacrifices. I've lived a cushy life while others have been asked to sacrifice. So, I guess my answer is 'no'."

[Gibbhura] "Take-off. The missile is taking off."

[Odmiral, yelling passionately] "Not while I have yet one more breath in my body!" [Enters data into nav system] "Setting collision course for Nork missile, center-of-mass. Maximum Warp. Engage!"


[brief static then comm channel goes silent]


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