Dancing in the ruins

Mysterious carved image gazing off to the far left

Field reporter Wi Hung Lo reporting for innominatus news

pResident Obama returned home to the USA today to face a gathering storm of muddled Libyan policies, fears of radioactive fallout, and as-yet-unplayed golf courses.  The First Lady and kids are still touring South and Central America and are expected back in a few more days.  While visiting some ancient Mayan ruins, an Obama child speaking on conditions of anonymity said "it's a lot better when daddy's not around.  We don't have to keep explaining things to him over and over."

After a visit to Teotihuacan, "The place where gods are born" the other Obama child asked "So this is where daddy was born?  I thought you said he was Hawaiian!  I'm so confused!"  Wrapping up the tour, the First Family visited the ancient stone statues left by the Moronian Empire on Keister Island.  The guide explained "Nearby, Easter Island has become famous for giant carved heads made from stone.  This recently discovered island has similar carvings, but ground-penetrating radar reveals that beneath the swelled heads are small, spindly bodies.  None have yet been excavated, but is conjectured that the inhabitants of the island threw like girls and therefore were unable to defend themselves." 

Tweetings from South America

Only the brave and pure of heart may click to enlarge

UN/NATO to strike Libya?

The roof, the roof of Libya's on fire

We don't need no water, let the...

So the Euros finally feel like doing something about the madman.  Fine.  I have no major problems with the French and others riding to the rescue of the rebels.  But as far as I'm concerned, this whole clusterf is not worth ONE SINGLE AMERICAN CASUALTY!

I suppose I "should" care more about the human suffering going on there.  But... I just don't care that much...  I s'pose that makes me some kind of "Cold Heartless Bastard"^TM.   Call me what you will.  I'm convinced that these rebels who are now begging the West to pull their butts out of the sandtrap are the same people who used to ululate and cheer and shoot their AKs in celebration of every downed airliner or bombed disco club.  I'm further convinced that once the West pulls their butts out of the sandtrap, they will quickly revert to these disgusting behaviors. 

Unmanned drone aircraft?  I'm OK with that.  Ramming a cruise missile right up the Colonel's tentflap?  I'm VERY OK with that.  But not one American boot on the ground or one American pilot put in peril of being shot down.  These barbarians aren't worth any more of our blood.

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UPDATE:

I am now a blogging celebrity.  At least for the moment...

Google has me in the top 2 or 3 (depending on wording) for this topic.  Adjust your opinions of me accordingly.

Barry's March Madness Bracket

Click to McBiggify

UPDATE:
DANG IOWAHAWK! I wish his posts had timestamps to prove mine was firsties!!!

Defense and Transportation merger

[Obama] "In light of our continuing budget problems and inability to rein in the deficit, I have deigned to come down from above the fray and announce an important merger:  Effective immediately, the Cabinet departments of Defense and Transportations shall be merged.  Stop and think...  Managing logistics is a crucial component of modern warfare.  Maintain troop diversity, you know, the proper ratios of gay/straight, white/minority, etc, is very challenging.  As is delivering the halal MRE's to our faithful soldiers that only eat halal.  Such critical issues can only be solved by an enormous bureaucracy.  Thankfully, we already have one in place that can step right in to fill the void.  Heading this new combined department will be Neil Goldschmidt, the former Secretary of Transportation under Carter, Governor of Oregon, and Mayor of Portland.  Anybody who has managed to get away with what he has gotten away with deserves a place on my Cabinet.  Unfortunately he is unable to join us at this announcement, however, the #2 at this new department is here.  He's like an Admiral or something, and there are some other supporters we'd like to hear from...

[Admiral] "Thank you, Mr. President.  Though it may seem an unlikely marriage, we are already finding new and exciting synergies we can make much use of.  For a while, the Navy has been working on a very powerful railgun.  And Transportation has had a fetish for high-speed rail.  So why not a high-speed railgun?  It makes so much sense.  For decades, the difficulty of defending against inbound missiles has been described as 'hitting a bullet with a bullet'.  So now we've changed the game entirely.  It is now 'hitting a bullet with a bullet train' and the odds of success are much higher."

[Greenie eco-guy] "Plus, the power of the railgun is astounding.  It can launch the bullet train all the way across town in about 2.5 seconds.  This allows me an extra few minutes in the morning to smoke up my wake-n-bake bowl before heading out to my shift at the co-op.  That is, when we miss the missile.  When we hit the missile, all aboard die in a violent crash - but it knocks that awful polluting missile out of our pristine skies, so it's worth it."

[Corporate fatcat] "Not only that, the fiery launch burns the mange and most of the stink right off these hippies.  When they arrive at the co-op to rinse the manure off the organic eggplant, you can hardly smell that patchoulli."

[Obama] "There you have it.  This will save taxpayers billions of dollars and manages to please every interest group.  This is what you can look forward to on those rare occasions that I step up and lead."

Day of Rage kind of a letdown

It was announced that today would be a Shiite "Day of Rage" in Saudi Arabia.  Not much has happened.  I guess they were all raged-out from being enraged all the other days of the year.  Did you know that there is one day a year when they aren't enraged?  Yes.  It is Shiite Hugs & Kittens Day.  But because of their angry moon god they use the lunar calendar, which even that computer that won Jeopardy can't figure out.  So we can never tell when Hugs & Kittens Day will fall on our "real" calendar.  Usually it is between "Death to Jews Day" and the other "Death to Jews Day" but not always.  It's a real pain that can mess up a guy's travel plans.

There has to be a way to make lemons out of this lemonade, and I think I have a plan.  First, we have to recognize that the Shiites are under a lot of stress - not unlike the seams on MichelleO's stretchpants - and all we need to do is push them just a little harder and they'll snap like Dan Marino's Achilles.  I volunteer to go to the Middle East and talk smack until they go (even more) postal...

"Hey Shiite Abdul!  Hussein, who happens to be a Sunni, said his dictator is bigger'n your dictator!"  

"Psst, Shiite Jamaal.  Yeah, you didn't hear this from me, but that Sunni guy named Ahmed is going around telling people that Abu Bakr could have totally kicked Ali's butt, but Ali was too afraid to fight."

Stuff like that.  Then while they're all mad at each other and busy chasing each other around with scimitars, I implement the second part of the strategy:  Gather all the Mexicans that are awaiting deportation and stuff them in airplanes.  Airdrop them into the southern parts of all the oil-producing mooselimb countries.  But first tell them "We now have Apache helicopters patrolling the border with orders to shoot on sight.  So the only way back in is to dig a tunnel.  So don't you dare try to dig a tunnel or we'll be really mad."  Then push 'em out of the airplane.  Yes, they'll have parachutes. I'm not that mean.  They'll land in the desert somewhere in the Middle East and think they're back home in Mexico, 'cuz, let's face it - one piece of arid crappy land pretty much looks like any other piece of arid crappy land.  And knowing them, they'll immediately start tunneling north.  Then their tunnels will strike oil.  I'm even willing to share some of the oil with the tunnel diggers.  That's called Compassionate Conservatism (which I'm generally opposed to but I'm feeling more compassionate than normal right now).  The best part is that the mooselimbs won't even notice since they're too busy chasing each other around with scimitars.  Oil prices will go back down and everybody will live happily ever after.

What do you think of this plan?  Pretty clever, isn't it?

Union label

Matt, the Head Honcho at the Conservative Hideout gives us a look at the tactics employed by the unionistas in Wisconsin.



What a fine bunch of folks...

Seven Mondays this week

I betcha most of you are getting weary of my problems-around-the-house kind of stuff.  Tough.  If you don't like it, you can upgrade to Premium Membership and receive stuff that is funny.  Otherwise all you get is more of the same...

My bike got a flat.  OK, that's not so big a deal.  But then my wife rolled over in the middle of the night and elbowed me in the eye.  Been married for 8 years and that's the first time anything like that has happened.  And the house smells a foul kind of sour - I'm pretty sure the grandson left a sippy cup of juice somewhere but we can't find it.   I think he takes after his other grandpa and is trying to whip up a batch of prison pruno...

Then this morning while I'm in the shower I can hear "Crap!  Aw, CRAP!" and then the smoke alarm went off.  It takes a lot to make me cut short a nice hot shower, but that qualifies.

It turns out my wife was making me some toast, which I appreciate.  However...  A friend of ours works at the county records office and noticed a goof on the dog license renewal we just sent in.  So she called the house to talk to my wife about it (and catch up on chit-chat).  She was explaining to my wife that we could have taken a $3 discount because the boy doggie is fixed but she can't issue a refund that's less than $10 so do we want to start over or just not worry about the $3 and wow haven't seen you in a while how are the kids I bet the grandkids are getting big yadda yadda.  Oh things are good, the grandkids are growing so fast HOLY CRAP THE TOAST IS ON FIRE!  Not just "scrape the burnt part off and it will still be edible", but actual freeking flames coming out of the toaster.

So now the house smells like a campfire and I'm not sure the smoke alarm survived my attempt at shutting it up. I'll be lucky to survive to the end of the week.

UK Census?

I'm getting a lot (for me, at least) of google hits from UK folks looking for funny answers to census questions.  Is it census season over there?

Just tell them that your name is Mohammed and there are 37 other guys named Mohammed living with you in your little flat.  The government checks should begin to arrive within days.

Is it Poltergeist or Pet Semetary?

I am immortal!
I have inside me blood of tigers!

Hello, Charlie

No, David! That's not what I meant!
That is NOT winning!









Sorry.  I'll stop.

But ya gotta admit that current democrat Congressman Wu and future democrat Congressman Sheen go together like peanut butter and jelly.
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Anyway.  Last week I blogged about my home improvement adventures.  I'm starting to wonder if the house was built over an ancient burial ground or something.  So far no zombies crawling out from under the swimming pool, but I think that's mainly because I don't have a swimming pool.  Since that post, something has failed/gone wrong/acted weird pretty much daily.  There must be some kind of evil at work...

Like the kitchen faucet, geysers have figured prominently.  First off, the side of the sink with the garbage disposal wouldn't drain.   When I turned on the disposal, water slowly went down but started coming up the other side of the sink.  It was almost like there was some kind of nefarious nexus of evil connecting the two.  Or maybe a pipe.  Over the course of a couple hours, the water eventually receded from both halves.  Some months ago my stepdaughter needed to borrow our plunger.  Then she moved back in with us but I can't find that plunger in any of her stuff.  Poltergeists messing with my plunger again.  So I filled the sink with really hot water and turned on the disposal, hoping to shake the clog loose.  Phew!  The fountain in front of Caesar's Palace shoots up from the other side of the sink and gets yuckwater all over me and the counter and the appliances and the floor.  Poltergeists messing with my plumbing again.  I wish that weird old lady from the movie was still alive, 'cuz I could really use her services right about not.  Don't go into the light, I mean, don't go into the pipe!  Then all the water went down and things have been fine since, with no further effort from me.  Bizarre.

Except that the poltergeists just moved downstream a little, 'cuz the next day, the bottom of the dishwasher has about 2" of standing water in it.  I tried to clear the drain thingy, but there was no clog.  Just the broken-off end of a steak knife that somehow managed not to cut me up.  Hah!  Take that, poltergeists!  You suck!  You didn't cut me!  But it wouldn't drain for the life of me.  So I stuck the handle of a spoon into the little slot to trick the machine into thinking the door was closed.  Then I turned it on.  Like I said above, geysers figure prominently.  But I did manage to turn to little knob to the part of the cycle where it should drain, and it did!  Then I got re-acquainted with the mop and some towels.

The next day, I'm wiped-out tired from having to get up early for the second job.  I'm trying to sleep when the dogs blow an o-ring and totally freak out.  Some time later they were settled enough for me to hear a scratching noise under the house.  Very clearly.  Last year I had a similar problem.  Turns out that the vents in the foundation have wire mesh built into them, and one of the mesh screens was torn out.  Some critter was wriggling through that little gap and crawling around down there.  Even banging on the pipes.  It was EXTREMELY annoying.  So I took a couple of those concrete pavers that formed the raised flowerbed and blocked the vent with 'em.  Within a couple days the noise stopped.  I figured I'd have the stink of a rotting possum or somesuch to deal with, but that never happened.  Just peace and quiet.  'Til the other night.  And this wasn't just a little mouse-ish kind of scratch.  This was a pissed off animal wanting out.  I think it is an undead possum that's been scheming up his vengeance ever since I trapped him under there.  Or Biden looking for his Pez dispenser.  One of the two.  'Cuz I can find no way a decent-sized scratchy critter can still get under my house.

If I don't get some relief from all this, I'll end up being the third side of the Wu/Sheen triangle of crazy.

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Wonder Twit Powers:  Activate!

I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning...
the future

Death to houseflies!

Alright, that last post was about as fun as a root canal.  To lighten your mood, be aware that I just shot down a housefly with a propane torch.  He had been buzzing around and bothering me for much of the day.  I had the torch out to warm a piece of brass 'cuz it's kinda old and the clearcoat was getting brittle.  Nothing like a little blowtorch action to "wake up" the clearcoat on an old sheet of brass.  Fly came within range and with a quick flick of the torch I got just enough of him.  He spun out and landed on his back doing pathetic little figure-eights on the floor before I made him well-done.

I AM SPARTA!

A new whirreled record!

Congrats to our betters in DC.  They have shattered the previous record for deficit spending in a month. 

USA!  USA!  USA!

The new record is $223 billion.  For one month.  The shortest month, even.  Good golly I'm just glad it wasn't a leap year!  I suppose I ought to be pizzed off about this, but it is just so incomprehensible.  OK, as an illustration, I'm not big on heights.  Going up ordinary ladders, stuff like that, is no big deal.  But leaning over the handrail of a bridge?  NO!  Screw that!

That's the Yaquina Bay bridge in Newport, Oregon.  Once some friends and I walked across it.  Or, more accurately, they walked across it, while I wussed out just before halfway.  Got to the expansion joint where I could see freekin' water through the gap and I couldn't cope.  Turned around and walked back.  Briskly.  But put me in a passenger jet at 40,000' and I'm totally fine.  The altitude is so much that it becomes surreal.  Though I'm literally about 100x higher than on the bridge, it doesn't bother me.  It is so far from normal that I guess my brain doesn't place it in the "dang, we're scary high up there, ain't we?" category.  In fact, I think I could even skydive.  But bungee jump off a bridge?  NO WAY, NO HOW.  Not even for a Scooby Snack.  If your life depended on me bungee jumping, well... have a nice afterlife, pal.

That's where I'm at with the budget.  Small deficits (ladder)?  Eh, no big deal.  $200 billion per year deficits (bridge)?  What the bloody heck are these morons spending it all on?? Make them stop!!!  $223 billion in a month?  Whee!  We're so high, I can see the curvature of the Earth!  It is so many light-years beyond ridiculous that I can't even process it.

Stylish Blogger redux

Have any of you received multiple Stylish Blogger Awards?  I now have at least three.  The original from Tale of Two Buckskins, one from Six at the Warrior Class, and also from Harvey at Bad Example.  The Supreme Court hasn't ruled on it yet, but I'm pretty sure that having the most Stylish Blogger Awards makes one cooler than one's peers.  So, for the moment, I am sure that I am "all that." 

A couple days ago, it was suggested at Manhattan Infidel's place that my cult and his be merged.  But I think the only Stylish Blogger he's been awarded is the one I gave him.  Which hasn't yet even been accepted and displayed.  Why would I stoop to merging with somebody who only has ONE SINGLE Stylish Blogger Award?  And I bet he'd want to share the Leadership Role.  This would lead to a standoff like we're seeing in Wisconsin.  Messy stuff.  Then the government would want to act as arbitrator and it would get even messier.  Ugh.  I'm not sure if I even want to be in a cult if I can't be the full-time leader.

See, in terms of pure "looks" I have what it takes to be a cult leader.  My mug would look right at home alongside these freaks.  But I lack the "charisma" that is required.  Geez, that Applewhite guy was able to convince guys to whack their own sacks off.  Koresh got his people to die in a fire and Jones served up the Koolaid.  I don't have that kind of sway over people.

[chant] YOU WILL FIX ME A SAMMICH

AND THEN YOU WILL LEAVE A

WITTY COMMENT. [/chant]

See?  Nobody does what I tell them.  This post has been up for, like, five minutes and I still don't have a sandwich.  So I think the whole cult merger thing is a bad idea.  I think blogging in obscurity is more my speed.

Now let my people go!

I am Attorney General Eric Holder.  I AM the law.  You will NOT screw with me, or MY PEOPLE.  If you have any doubts about who are "my people" then you are obviously not my people, because my people know what I'm talking about.  And don't you all be getting all Pharaoh on me with that "Equal Protection Under the Law" stuff, because, like I said, I AM the law.  See?  It says so right here.  So shove that in your cracker peace pipe and smoke it, and I'll see you in Philly on election day.