The Hate Show w/ Dave & Roman

[Roman] "Thank you, thank you. I appreciate all your support. It's good to finally be back in the USA. Heard any good jokes lately?"

[Dave] "About me or about you?" [rimshot] "So, you decided to stop fighting the extradition?"

[Roman] "Well, I figured the timing could not be better. After the revelation of your infidelities took me out of the headlines, I started to think about it."

[Dave] "Glad to be of service, sir."

[Roman] "And then when my friends in Europe, whom I thank for harboring me all these years, well, when they spat upon his O'liness in Copenhagen, I knew it was almost the right time. Then, just a I was starting to have second thoughts, the Nobel Committee, well, they just blew me totally off the front page. The public has already forgotten all about the both of us."

[Dave, mockingly formal] "I'd like to thank the Nobel Committee taking the spotlight off of our misdeeds and concentrating it instead on President Obama's lack of deeds."

[Roman] "Yea, verily! Amen, brother Dave!"

[Dave] "Yes, praise Obama. Though he is far too lofty of make fun of, he can be counted on to steal every news cycle. But enough with the chit-chat. Let's get down to the important stuff... That Palin girl, she's quite the slut."

[Roman, squirming in his seat] "Uhh, Dave, maybe we should change the subject. Young girls, are, umm, aww, what the heck - it's not like a lot of people are watching the show... Yeah, I'd hit that like Ray Lewis blindsiding Peyton Manning."

[Dave, impersonating Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin] "I can see quaaludes from my house!"

[Paul] "Gaahaaahaaa!" [piano gliss]

[Dave and Roman exchange a high-five]

[Dave] "We'll be riiiiiight back after this word from one of the remaining sponsors who hasn't yet pulled their advertising!"

Barry Humbling Award

[Rahm] "Sire, wake up! You've won the Nobel Peace Prize"

[Obama, semi-alert] "No bell pees? How bells did I have to pee over to win that?" [rolls over, back to sleep]

[Rahm] "Sire! You won the Nobel Prize! AND the Stanley Cup!"

[Obama, alert] "Stanley Cup? Don't be mocking my momma!"

[Rahm] "No, sire! You've won the NHL championship, and the Nobel Prize!"

[Obama] "The NHL is just a bunch of toothless white guys, kinda like Arkansas. Screw them. But the Peace Prize, that sounds kinda cool."

[Rahm] "We must get you to Oslo, ASAP. I've already prepped the plane."

Later, in Norway, addressing the crowd...

[Obama] "I'd like to thank the academy..."

[MichelleO, snatching microphone from Barry] "Imma let you finish, but first, I need to say, that for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of the Nobel Committee." [Gives mike back]

[Obama, head swelling slightly] "I am extremely humbled by all this."

[Head swelling more, halo getting tight] "When I bomb people in Pakistan, I do it only in the most humane and painless ways"

[Applause]

[Head getting bigger, halo stretched taut] "And I only rendition jihadis to moderately savage countries for interrogation. And I think I may even address global poverty by building my brother a slightly larger mud hut."

[Applause]

Head now impossibly big, almost proportionate to ears. Halo can't cope and explodes, sending little bits of hopeychange all over front row of audience, just like a Gallagher show.

[Obama] "So, in closing, I must return to the USA and continue my dismantling of a once-great nation."

[Thunderous applause]

Agreeing with Obama???

President Obeyme and his merry band of misfits have been struggling with a way to beat the Taliban and al-Qaeda without increasing troop levels. Yeah, he's trying to make the de-escalator leftoids happy while looking like only a partial wuss to everybody else. That tightrope is starting to wobble, Barry. You can't keep this up much longer! You need a game-changer!... Voila! The Taliban are no longer the bad guys!. The idea is to cede a portion of Af-Pak to these boy-rapin' Taliban wife-beaters and let them have some autonomy.

Here is where I actually agree with Bams. I think it is great that the Taliban have their own province. Offer them up their own little safe haven , and they'll flock to it like Detroit residents lookin' for BarryBucks. After they're all settled in and getting on with their goat molesting, we spring the trap - one target-rich province to bomb the bloody piss out of, instead of two whole countries! Pretty darned clever, that Obama guy, isn't he?
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Um, you guys are giving me that look again. Did I say something stupid?

NASA attempts the impossible

Dateline: Friday, October 9.

NASA is in the final phases of an ambitious project to determine the composition of the lunar landscape near the Moon's southern pole. Opinions vary on what can be learned, but scientists worldwide are on the edge of their seats in anticipation of the results. The experiment involves the deployment of a huge bomb that will cause a debris field to reach as high as six miles above the lunar landscape, with a vehicle orbiting overhead assaying the dust and relaying the findings back to earth. Some scientists hope that they will find non-trivial amounts of water ice, which would be exceedingly valuable to future manned moon outposts. Water ice could also be useful in missions to Mars.

Other scientists hope the extremely sensitive instruments will find those elusive yet hoped-for traces of President Obama's accomplishments. As President of the Universe, Obama has certainly brought hope and change to all planetary objects in our solar system, they claim. Less optimistic observers rebut that by asserting that even on Earth there is a dearth of evidence to support their Presidential Accomplishment Theory, and that this experiment is a colossal waste of resources. "It would be easier to catch neutrinos with a pool skimmer than to find anything that would validate their lame-o Presidential Accomplishment Theory" scoffed one cosmologist who chooses to remain anonymous. "And I'm talking about on Earth" he added.

When asked why this bomb system was being used on the moon, rather than say, Iran, NASA scientists' only response was "Huh?"

Star Wars Music

The radio station I usually listen to at work is advertising a concert coming up in Portland. It features a full orchestra playing only Star Wars music. Almost sounds like something I'd be interested in going to, but I wouldn't want my grandkids to know that a headbanger like me sometimes appreciates some good strings and horns.

Is it heresy to say that Star Wars wouldn't have been the big deal it was, were it not for that compelling music?

Barry deliberate thought process

(innominatus news network exclusive report)

President Obama continues to suffer the same political setbacks in October that characterized his August and September. Despite the clever parliamentary tactics of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, there remains no healthcare industry seizure bill on the books. Congress' approval numbers now smell like week-old lutefisk, and the electorate is increasingly wary of congressional leadership's weaselly ways. Not only are the people demanding a chance to read the final bill before it is voted on, they are demanding rubber gloves to wear while leafing through the pages of the bill - just in case any of the stupid contained therein is ink-soluable.

On the international front, things are even worse. A recent Google Earth overflight of the Qom nuclear site in Iran reveals corpses of dissidents arranged in the desert to spell out the words "screw you obama" in Farsi. The war in Afghanistan is going poorly, while strategy is re-evaluated and re-evaluated. Barry's well-documented failure in Copenhagen is turning out to be the biggest presidential embarrassment since Jimmy lost that fight to the little rabbit. Addressing the assemblage of reporters on Air Force One recently, the President confided: "I really thought doing whatever I want and blaming it on Bush would get me at least through my first term. I'm saddened that it is so early in my term that those methods are failing. I don't have a 'plan b' yet. That's why I'm being so deliberate in deciding what to do in Afghanistan, Iran, Gitmo, etc. You see, it turns out that everything I said back in the campaign is now coming back to haunt me. Over and over again. Kinda like that ingrown hair on my buttcheek that keeps coming back. And I don't really have the political capital left to win people over when I change my mind. So, the big decision I've made is to not make decisions. I'm just going to drag my feet until the problems go away. I even had a special poster made up. If I can't decide how not to decide, I just throw a dart at the poster. Well, ok, sometimes I have to throw a lot of darts before I finally get one to stick, but you get the drift. That tells me how to avoid deciding for a while. Then something else comes up and we forget all about the previous problem. I think I can ride that horse all the way to re-election."

Ghost writers of BarryBooks

So some blogger says that he chanced upon Bill Ayers in the airport, and Wild Bill supposedly blurts out that he was indeed the author of Barry's Dream of My (Psycho Deadbeat Commie) Father. By now some of you are no doubt wondering who this yet unnamed (hint) blogger was. Let the record show that I WAS NOT THE BLOGGER IN QUESTION. And I offer as evidence that neither am I in jail for assault, nor is Ayers in the hospital recovering from a most severe azzwhuppin'.

That is all. For now.

Dude, Obama's on SNL!

Dude, put it on SNL.

Dude, do it yourself. You got the remote. Besides, that show like, sucks.

Whatevs, dude. It's not like there's much else on. Where's the bong?

Dude, you took the last rip. It's wherever you left it. Probably in the kitchen, from when you got up to get more salsa.

Heh. Dude. You're right.

Dude, look, they got Obama on SNL!

Dude!! How can they say that Obama hasn't accomplished anything? That's like, so wrong, dude.

Yeah, dude. He like had some kind of office back in Indiana or Iowa or one of those I states. That's something!

Dude, he also like, won an election! Are they sayin' that that's nothing now, dude?

Dude, I dunno. It's like, they're mad that he's like, kinda black or something.

Dude, what's Gitmo?

Dude, are you stupid? Gitmo was like, the main dude in Gremlins. But I didn't even know he had a store. But if Obama says it should close, then it should close. Probably selling unsafe pets or something, dude.

Oh yeah, dude. I remember. Look, I'm eating nachos after midnight, dude! I wonder if I'll turn into a gremlin?

Shut up, dude. You're even less funny than SNL.

Dude, that hurts.

Have you seen that vid of the little kids singing to Obama, dude?

Which one, dude? There's like, lots of 'em now.

The one where the kids are all like, Mmm Mmm Mmm.

Oh, dude, that one rules.

Yeah, dude. Those little kids get it. Heh, dude, the other day I could hear my dad straining on the toilet. He was going like, Nguuh Nguuh Nguuh. It kinda like reminded me of that vid, dude. It was like the same tempo and everything.

Dude! You should like, totally put that on YouTube!

Dude? It's not like, uh, nevermind dude. I forgot what I was going to say, anyway.

Dude, we should have bought more chips.

This one got me good

So, Sunday night I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep, so the late-nite-stupids hit me kind of early yesterday. It was about 9pm when I'd had enough and decided to go to bed. The dogs had had a little wrestling match on the bed, and while my wife fixed that up I figger'd I'd check my blog feed to see if there was anything new. Next thing you know, I have that sleep-deprived uncontrollable laugh thing going on, all thanks to this post at i Own The World. My wife asked what was so funny, so I tried to tell her: "OK, there's this comic of, of, gahaaahaaaa! OK, just a sec. Heehee. Alright, Obama and Limbaugh are g, g, golf, gaaahaaahaaaa! OK, ok, I'm gonna just tell you real fast before I crack up again. Snort. '...sewed to my face' Graahaaaaheeeeheee! Can't breathe!"

Click over there and see if it really is that funny or if I'm just some loopy crackhead who cracks up too easily.

Duality of Obama

From the inauguration onward, President Obeyme has exhibited what is to me an interesting duality. On one hand, he is a clever, ruthless, power-hungry socialist. On the other his is a hopelessly inept dorkasaurus in way over his head. So, which one is the real Obama? Hmmmm... A heaping helping of both, I'd say. He's a new breed of liberal loser who isn't adequately described by any existing political labels, so he merits a new one just for him: D'ohcialist!

Thoughts?

Beavers!

My Beavs beat the ASU Sun Devils tonight. That's cool. Did it in Tempe, which we hadn't done since 1969! That's cooler.

Taught my 13mo. old grandson how to gimme high-fives. That's coolest.

Happy fun song time!

Couldn't decide at first whether to do this song or "Barry went down to Denmark, he was lookin' for some games to steal. Chicago's way behind, Daley's in a bind, Barry's ready to make a deal." Went with this one. Apologies to Bon Jovi. Actually, nevermind. Bon Jovi sucks.

The One woke up in the morning, left to meet the one he'd wed
Left slobber on the pillow, then the butler made his bed.
Copenhagen's where he's going, only God knows where he's from
He's a weasel on the run, a despot lover, left us twistin' in the wind.

He is the Prez'dint of this world, he thinks he's gonna win
He ain't never earned nuttin', everything was given him
Told the IOC "I want it! Yeah, I want it man!"
"I'll put cash on your table, Tokyo you ain't able, Rio catch me if you can!"

He may go down in a blaze of glory, you and I - we know the truth
He may go down in a blaze of glory
Lord, Michelle flew first with Oprah and her purse
He's Moammar's son, call him Young Dunce.

They ask if Biden's conscious, while Barry cannot bowl
They ask if Obama's a wise man, if we buy the crap he's sold
They ask if he's a hawk or dove, Afghanistan's such a pain
Well I've seen Gitmo open and he'd see it shut down, al-Qaeda feel no pain

He's goin' down in a blaze of glory, you and I - we know the truth
He's goin' down in a blaze of glory
Lord, Michelle flew first with Oprah and her purse
He's Moammar's son, call him Young Dunce.

His ego don't fit his head, he brays 'bout jobs he did create
No, he ain't looking for forgiveness for our debts now six miles deep.
"IOC I ask a favor, and I'm sure you'll understand,
People love me to the fullest, every boy and every man,
Flying down to Denmark, games in Chicago 'cuz I am grand."

Shot down in a blaze of glory, you and I - we know the truth
Shot down in a blaze of glory
Lord, Michelle flew first with Oprah and her purse
He's Moammar's son, call him Young Dunce.

And the Gold Medal goes to...

Anyway, I whined enough earlier about my ideas being used before I could post them. Then I thought I had another pretty good idea about the left trying to spin this unspinnable gigafail - only to find out that they actually are spinning this as a positive. What else is left? I got nuttin' that ain't already been done by others, so here are a few of them: (for new web users, forgetful people, or total idiots: clicky the pic-y to for biggie version)

Obviously, this is from Fail Funnies

(Meh, link broke. Oh well. It says "Hey look at me, I'm an attention whore!"





This one is from Ace










This one is from a funny site I just bumped into today, called Op-Toons.






This vid from iOTW has also been making the rounds.

Rush Limbaugh, please SHUT UP!

Since first hearing about Barry screwing up the Olympics (it's like the Special Olympics out there) I've been brainstorming how I'm gonna have fun blogging on it when I get some spare time. My post is pretty much "finished" in my brain, though I need an hour or so to turn it into bits and bytes. But Limbaugh is on a tear and HE'S STEALING ALL MY IDEAS! Zip it, bud! Leave me something to work with, K?

Biden sighting

[No-name MSM talking head] "We go now to field correspondent Noesheet Shirlock"

[Noesheet] "Stimulus Sheriff Joe Biden was seen in public today for the first time since the last time he appeared in public. Clad in his finest Full Dress Sheriff's Uniform, he made his appearance before a crowd of the jubilantly funemployed. Chaos swirled all around him, but the Sheriff remained unflappable. Showing the steely resolve and careful phrasing he is known for, he calmed the overly festive horde: 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined'.

"Job losses reported today reveal that the economy shed another 551,000 jobs last month - considerably more expected. Sheriff Joe remained unfazed. 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined.' Official unemployment is expected to be around 9.8% in tomorrow's report. I think the gov't deserves some props for their management of labor statistics - it is remarkable how there have been so many job losses, yet official funemployment numbers never seem to exceed that psychologically important value of 10%. Unofficial funderemployment figures are now above 16%, and youth funemployment is up to a whopping 52%. This brought forth the Sheriff's most forceful words yet: 'Remain calm! All is well! The stimulus is working even better than we ever imagined.'

When a gathering of young funemployed victims of Bush's bad economic policies demanded to know when they'd get jobs, the Sheriff properly told them 'Shut up, you lousy ingrates! Imagine how bad it would be if we hadn't spent $787 godzillian bucks on stimulus! All is well! All is wellll! All is well-ellll-elllllllll!' Now, back to you."

[MSM talking head] "Thank you for that excellent reporting, Noesheet."