Superstitions

Growing up, my mom's side of the family was full of silly superstitions.  Spill some salt?  Gotta toss a little over your left shoulder to ward off bad luck.  Shoes CAN NOT go on the kitchen table, even if they're still brand new and in their box, lest one bring on some kind of curse.  Lots of that kind of stuff.  I never took it seriously.  I do play a little game of breaking sports jinxes, though.  The announcer might say something like "Brandon Roy has made nine straight free throws" and I make a game of lunging for the wooden end-table to knock on it before the free throw goes up.  If I fail, he's jinxed and will miss the shot.  OK, we all know that his making or missing the shot has nothing to do with whether I tap the table, but it is kind of fun.  My wife thinks it is particularly funny if we're listening to a game in the car, and the cheezy plastic interior offers no wood to knock on.  But it is all done in jest.

However...

Even numbered years have always sucked for me.  I am at a loss to explain why.   I tell myself that such things are irrational, illogical and just plain stupid.  But the fact remains - for me, even numbered years = financial problems, deaths in the family, vehicle breakdowns, leaky faucets and hangnails.  It isn't that odd numbered years are so great, it is more that odd numbered years just seem to have a lot less of that kind of junk going on.  Which brings us to 2009...

2009 is the odd numbered year that sucked like an even.  Heck, it sucked like a six-pack of evens, all concentrated in one year.  There's no debatin' it.  Does this mean 2010 will be doubleplus-sucky?  No. No!  NO!  The cycle is broken! I ain't fallin' for no banana in the tailpipe this year!   Let me be clear:  Obama and crew, Governor Kulongoski, and libtards everywhere have used up several years worth of suck.  In fact, there will be a severe shortage of suck for several years to come.  Brace yourself.  Gird your loins.  Be prepared.  For 2010 will be the year that doesn't suck!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Terrorist Art Rehab Project

By now, you've no doubt read of the interesting circumstances that surround the attempt to blow up Flight 253.  The underwear bomb.  The secretive videotaper.  The masterminds being released from Gitmo in 2007, who then went through an arts-n-crafts "rehab" facility in Saudi Arabia.

It all sounds so ridiculous.  The most imaginative acid-droppin' screenplay author would struggle to come up with such a whacked-out plot line.  I, myself,  found it utterly unfathomable.  So I gathered a team of investigators to travel with me to Saudi Arabia to find out the real truth.  (This also explains the lack of posts lately: I've been in Saudi Arabia finding out the real truth)

Sadly, the story presented by the media is dead-on accurate.  I even found the rehab facility where these creeps were "cured."  The administrator was kind enough to show us their "final exam" which proved that they were indeed ready to re-enter society.  It is a chilling 5-page document, composed in crayon....

Thankfully, the high-tech security procedures put in place by Janet Napolitano were effective.  The system worked, and the diabolical plot was foiled by a lack of red crayon.  Let us pause and give thanks that our security is in such able hands.

Barry special Christmas

[Sasha] "Daddy, what's the real meaning of Christmas?"

[Obama] "Gee, that's a very important question.  Let me be clear, we must not act unilaterally on this issue."

[Sasha] "Daddy, cut the press conference crap and tell me what Christmas is really about."

[Obama] "Alright.  Christmas is a special occasion that celebrates the fact that I've been pResident for almost one whole year.  The people are so happy about it, that they go out and buy lots of gifts for each other.  It is their way of boosting the economy and helping my sagging approval numbers."

[Sasha] "That's so cool, daddy!  But what about the tree?"

[Obama] "OK, that's kind of a long story.  But I guess we have time, since Congress is saying it may take 'til February to hash out our urgent need for healthcare reform that doesn't kick in until 2014 or so.

Anyway, the tree symbolizes your great-grandpa's heroic struggle against colonialism.  You see, Kenya used to be a great forest.  Then those mean British people came in and cut down all the trees.  Right after that, global warming came in and turned the whole place into a desert.  It was really sad the way the lions were stuck on little patches of grass as everything turned dry all around them.  Like what the polar bears are facing with the ice."

[Sasha] "Wow, daddy, that's awful."

[Obama] "Well, when there was only one tree left in the entire country, your great-grandpa decided he had to act.  He went up to that one last tree and lit it on fire."

[Sasha] "I don't understand.  Shouldn't he have tried to save that tree?"

[Obama] "Well, you'd think so.  But your great-grandpa was a radical mooselimb.  Wanton destruction is how we, um,  excuse me, they express themselves."

[Sasha] "Oh."

[Obama] "See, we can't burn the Christmas tree like great-grandpa did, 'cuz it would set off the smoke alarm.  And Biden would probably end up in the emergency room.  So instead, we just put little lights on it so it kind of looks like it is partway on fire."

[Sasha] "I guess that makes sense.  What about Santa?"

[Obama] "See those two guys over there wearing the black suits?  They are from the Secret Service and they have guns.  If Santa tries to come down our chimney, they have been instructed to shoot Santa in the face."

[Sasha] "But..."

[Obama] "No.  Santa is a fat white capitalist hater who abuses reindeer.  If he lived in Mississippi he'd be wearing a beer-stained wife-beater and trying to convince the cops that his wife got her black eye from falling off the back steps of the trailer.  But since he lives so far north there isn't much news coverage of how rotten he is."

[Sasha] "But giving gifts to good little kids doesn't seem like capitalism.  I think it is more of a generosity thing."

[Obama] "OK, we'll go through this one more time...  Every good thing comes from the government.  Santa is trying to weasel in on my territory.  Plus, he sometimes gives gifts to those teabaggers' kids.  He is NOT ON OUR SIDE!"

[Sasha] "OK, daddy, one more question.  Where does Jesus fit in?"

[Obama] "Jesus who?"

Seasonal music for your enjoyment

Slaves
Americans force to serve, the government
Heed
To Barry's every word, live in fear
Faith
We can elect, some reformers
Act!
Something must be done, or four more years

So let it be written, so let it be blogged
We rise up to oppose The One
So let it be written, so let it be blogged
They must be stopped or we are done
It's creeping debt

Now
Let my people go, dorks in DC
Go
I will be with thee, pitchforks and fire

Ink

Running red and strong through the budget
Plague
Buy votes all day long, swines in mire

So let it be written, so let it be blogged
We rise up to oppose The One
So let it be written, so let it be blogged
They must be stopped or we are done
It's creeping debt


Lies, out of hand
It creeps across the land
Taxing first-born man

Lies, out of hand
It creeps across the land
Taxing first-born man

They
Vote in midnight air, the destroyers
Mourn
But we will soon be there, PO'd mass!
We
Storm the steps and floor, kick them out
Tar
And feathers everywhere, no bills shall pass

So let it be written, so let it be blogged
We rise up to oppose The One
So let it be written, so let it be blogged
They must be stopped or we are done
It's creeping debt

Time on my hands

I'm so used to staring down deadlines and thrashing about trying to finish things, that I'm quite discombobulated by the amount of free time I have until January 4th.  I figured I'd be a bloggin' fool, putting up 4 or 5 posts a day but, but, well...  I guess I'm like a tire - if there's no pressure, I ain't movin' too fast.  But I do have some more thoughts that I really need to get off my chest:

It doesn't matter what size fries one orders from Wendy's.  There is always one - exactly one - that tastes like dirt.  I'm always relieved to get it in the first bite so I can devour the rest without trepidation.

Dante needs to add a new circle for where Harry Reid is going to end up.

My grandson isn't old enough yet to want a Tonka truck.  Probably next year.  But just looking around, the good ol' steel ones are scarce.  A plastic Tonka truck is an insult!  The steel ones last for years, and even begin to rust after a while.  A good, rusty, well-used Tonka truck is a thing of beauty.  Plus, the steel tends to have sharp corners that'll scrape a kid up.  That builds character.

Senator Ben Nelson's (D-Neb) healthcare screwjob counts as a job saved or created.

To combat the scourge of rising sea levels, I propose that the fire department load their tankers with seawater. Then drive well inland, to my county courthouse where there are STILL hippies out front protesting Iraq.  It is still inconclusive whether hippie odor is actually a contributor to global warming, but pressure-washing the stink off them while mitigating beach erosion seems like a win-win to me.


In the last month I've lost about 10 lbs without even trying.  Whatever your goal, if you're trying and not attaining, try not trying so hard.  It might help.

For the record

If you came here expecting some sarcasm or humor, presently I have none to offer.  Hopefully soon.  Perhaps the writing of this post will provide some relief of the anger that is clogging up the ducts of my funny gland.  We shall see.

---------

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

from the US Declaration of Independence                   

I pay my taxes.  Last year there were unexpected tax liabilities that I could not afford to pay by filing time.  I now work two jobs.  Most of that extra income continues to go towards catching up on those old taxes.  The rest goes towards keeping my household finances above water, for I am very committed to being one who pulls the wagon rather than one who gets a free ride on it.  I pay gas taxes and vehicle fees yet find potholes in the roads.  My taxes go towards public education, yet few students make it through the system with a decent education.  Yes, I grumble about such things.  I grumble aloud; I grumble on the blog.  I grumble to my elected representatives.  But my actions stop at grumbling, for these are evils that are sufferable.  I've even been arrested once:  My concealed handgun permit was expired and it would take a few days to get it renewed, but I carried anyway. One of my dear, sweet co-workers became aware of my situation, and thought it was something the Sheriff ought to know about.  I offered no resistance and even had a pleasant conversation with the arresting deputy as he drove me "downtown."  Many later told me they thought it was flat-out sh*tty that I was arrested for that.  Yes or no, I had done wrong, so the deputy was acting within his lawful authority when he arrested me.  Lawful authority is not my enemy.  Ever.

The Senate recently voted for cloture on the hideous healthcare bill.  Nothing has been formally enacted and signed into law.  There even remains a possibility that no bill will be passed.  The versions of the bill that are advancing, though, contain language mandating that individual Americans purchase government-approved health insurance.  Penalties for non-compliance can include prison, with the IRS empowered to enforce compliance.  The government does not possess the authority to impose this mandate, despite claims to the contrary from Pelosi and others.  Nancy Pelosi can say the moon is made of green cheese.  She can believe it in her heart and speak it with all conviction, but that does not mean she is correct.  Similarly, the constitutionality of this mandate.  The power is not there.  Nancy Pelosi can believe in her heart that this mandate is constitutional, and say so with all conviction, but it simply is not. 

My own decisions and circumstances will determine whether I have health insurance.  Government approvals and mandates will not factor in my decision, nor even influence it in the least.  I will not be participating in any government healthcare system.  Period.  If I die a slow and miserable death because I am not enrolled in a government program, so be it.  That is an evil that to me is sufferable.  If an agent of the IRS or other agency should decide that my non-compliance calls for my arrest, then the line between sufferable and insufferable evils is crossed.  A kidnapper is one who holds me against my will with no lawful authority to do so.  I would be willing to use elevated levels of force- even lethal force - to thwart a kidnapping attempt on me or my family.  One who has a badge and a standard-issue weapon and an authoritative title on his business card, yet lacks legitimate constitutional authority, is a mere kidnapper.  Having a mandate thrust upon me against my will differs much from my voluntary participation in my state's concealed handgun program.  My response to being arrested for not complying with that mandate will also differ.  Much.

Humpday Happy Happies!

The schadenfreude hangs thick in the air like THC at a Grateful Dead concert. Frank J advises moderation, but I'm planting my face in my big stash of schadenfreude and inhaling deeply.  Consequences, schmonsequences.  I know you've all seen all this somewhere else by now, but I just can't remain silent any longer!



My binge started last night.  Governor Arnie said some dumbtastic stuff about Sarah Palin and California's economy.  With Gore still licking his wounds from tangling with Palin, one might think Ahnold would've thought twice before saying such things.  Well, he did think twice, and he was wrong both times.  Greener than thou.  Heh.

You won't like me when I'm stupid

Then we hear more news from Copenhagen.  More Heh.  When Heritage AND Politico are calling the summit things like "chaos" and "disaster" I start getting encouraged.  First Barry didn't want to go, then he decided he will attend the tail end of it.  Triumphant return or something.  What does he think he'll accomplish?  I just hope he cleans the stuff he steps in off his shoes before getting back aboard AF1. 

They always say the drugs and whores

are cheap in Copenhagen

I hope I don't come home with sores

after I go hoggin' 

Wait.  It gets better.  Senator Coburn (and later, Senator DeMint) demanded a full reading of confessed socialist Bernie Sanders' Single-Payer healthcare amendment to BarryCare.  The Senate clerk toiled away at reading it for quite a while before Bernie's boypanties bunched up beyond bearing and Sanders removed the amendment from consideration.  Must not let bills be actually read, ya know.

Those were all cool and stuff, but not really enough to make a decent post I thought to myself.  But when I saw this post at HotAir I nearly lost it.  This is too good to be true!  SEIU turning on Obama?  AFL-CIO turning on The One?  Is it a full moon or sumpthin?  Everything these liblosers touch turns to turd.  At this rate, ACORN will have to disown Obama, not the other way around. 

As I write this, it's only 3:45 in the afternoon Pacific time.  There's still time today for the dems to screw up even more.  Maybe they will, maybe they won't.  But for now, let us just bask in their idiocy.

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Confirmed: Dems are schizo

So the dems hacked enough garbage out of BarryCare to get Lieberman on board.  That got me worried that some form of intrusive, expensive and inefficient "reform" may yet make it through the labyrinth of Congress.  I pondered this for a long while.  I grieved.  I fumed.  I wept.  I had just about come to grips with the fact that my country is on the verge of a ruinous decline to third-world (or worse yet, Western European) standards, when who comes riding to the rescue?  Yes, Screamin' Howard Dean, with Krazy  Kos ridin' sidesaddle right behind him!  My heroes!

They're crabby because the present form of the Senate bill isn't intrusive, expensive, or inefficient (progressive) enough.  They think this whole crisis is about to go to waste and they're none too happy 'bout it.  They want to kill the bill.  So do I.  They want to start over.  So do I - at some future date when we have sensible conservatives in the majority.  But the whole spectacle of one batch of psycho lefties telling another batch of psycho lefties  "you're not progessive enough!!" is just so darned enjoyable.  It's like RuPaul and Boy George getting in a hissy slap-fight over who is gayer.  That's the kind of laughs I'm having at all this. 

The dems enjoy majorities in Congress and power in the executive that they have used to mangle the financial and auto industries.  They rate a solid B+ for those efforts.  But their holy grail of seizing the healthcare industry remains elusive.  There are just too many dem voices saying too many dumb dem things for there to be any agreement.  Heehee!  In the abstract (certainly not in practice!) it would be fun to give the dems all 100 Senate seats just to see how much they DON'T accomplish.  The backbiting and namecalling and posturing from all those blowhards would be inconceivably awesome!

Celebrity obamaphilia creepyness

In case you missed it, Will Smith is an enema valve.  At least in terms of his politics.  Probably a pleasant enough guy in other aspects, but his obamaphilia is unsettling.

If you follow the link (which you don't really have to do since I'm telling you everything you need to know - I'm generous that way) you'll see Mr. Smith tell us that while Barry is of course imperfect, the concept of Barry is anything but.  That the idea of Barry is just, so, OMG wonderful!  That the election of Barry is somehow an evolutionary flashpoint in the history of humanity, which poises us for some kind of Great Quantum Leap Forward.  Like when the apes encountered the obelisk.  Or something. 

Anyway, here's an innomipoint pop quiz:

As a mental exercise, let us just say that Will is correct and that Obama is actually the universe's gift to humanity.  (Try to contain your snickering, please).  Let us further say that the universe has rejection insecurities which can lead to violent fits of  indignance. In other words, voting for anybody but Barry in 2012 would provoke our insulted universe to go all Mayan on yo' azz in 2012 with floods, fires, quakes, death, general mayhem and intermittent disruption of internet access.


Would this have any impact on your vote in 2012?  Why, or why not?

Hide the decline in approval ratings

World-famous golfer, hoop shooter and Lightworker Barry Obama continues to suffer declining approval ratings.  Rasmussen's latest numbers show the overrated chief executive with only a 44% approval number, with those strongly disapproving now outnumbering those who strongly approve by 19%.  When asked by Oprah how he'd rate his first year, The One With An Unconquerable Self Image rates himself a B+.  Researchers at East Anglia University have been toiling away on a model that accounts for this disparity between Obama's interpretation of reality and the raw data compiled by Rasmussen, but an anonymous insider relates that "the fudge factors required to homogenize these results are so outrageous" as to cast doubt on the validity of their study.

Others are taking the news more cheerfully.  Brian Bosworth, whose NFL career is considered by many to be the biggest disappointment of the last hundred years, recently tweeted that he is "very relieved that somebody has finally come along and been a bigger let-down than myself. LOL."

------------------------------------

This post has undergone vigorous peer review for accuracy but its humor content is still subject to dispute.

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Innomipoint contest, 12-11-09

Here's part 3 of the trivia sensation that is sweeping the internet!  Don't be the one lone loser left crying at the end because you missed out - there's still time to join the fun!



Original post w/ rules

Question #1:  How many boob belts does MichelleO need?

1. None.  They're nasty (0 pts)
2. One is plenty.  That's enough to give bloggers plenty to write about, yet not enough to drive us hair-pulling crazy (2 pts)
3. A six-pack in a dazzling array of hip and trendy colors (-2 points)
   
4. Needs more boob belts! (5 pts)
   

Questions #2:  The roads in my town are iced up tonight.  This is

1. Ordinary seasonal weather.  Nothing to get alarmed about.
   
2. Cool because innominatus has already been told to skip work tomorrow 'cuz it's unsafe to drive
3. Not valid evidence against global warming.  Soon, when the planet is scorching we will look longingly back at the good ol' days when our roads were icy.
4. Awesome, beacause innominatus can get sideways in his clunky little car and pretend he is still in his '69 Camaro that he had to sell a couple years ago.
   

Essay question #3, brought to you by Velcro (who gets extra credit if he participates in this round!)

• Compose a Mission Statement for the libtard movement.  Mealy-mouthed newspeak nonsense like that which appears a couple posts down is recommended. 
  

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Birth of a meme

You, privileged read of this blog, have the potential to shape history.  We, the children of the Cowbell Age, approach a fateful turning of the page where the Cowbell ceases to be.  Do not be alarmed.  Embrace the new.  Savor the Change.  March boldly towards that glorious horizon.  Yes, I speak of a new internet meme.

 

http://feedyouradhd.com/needs-more/

It is our solemn duty to see this come to fruition.  This meme must not languish in the cradle.  It must grow to to its utmost potential.  Use it.  Say it. Spread it. Be it. Live it.

Who is with me?!? 
Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

I are motivation speaker

There's a big company.  You've heard of them.  I'm not going to name them 'cuz I don't want to embarrass a customer who is in the process of laying down a healthy stack of cash for my services.  Anonymous Big Corporation just placed an order for 50 acrylic awards that they want by the 17th.  They want their logo and mission statement lasered onto each acrylic, and their statement reads:

We are a self-directed culture that

creates and maintains safety as its

top priority and continuously challenges

our diversity culminating in long-term value.

This is about the most hurlworthy thing I've ever had to engrave.  If they'd just have included the word "leverage" in there it would at least have the notoriety of being the most useless and clichéd series of words ever strung together, but right now it just plain sucks.  Sheesh, even Robert Gibbs sounds (marginally) less stupid when he's trying to dance around a question from Jake Tapper.  Who the heck is going to be stirred by such words?  Who, after reading this, will want to charge into the corporate battlefield and claim the skulls of the enemy?  Can anybody read that without needing an imodium immediately afterwards?

Dang, just keying in the word of that statement seems to have cost me some testosterone. Whoever came up with this statement needs to be beaten with a broomstick and denied his juicebox.  After they've paid for the awards.

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Dem girlymen find something they can lift

After a long and embarrassing display of weakness, Congressional democrats have finally found something they can lift.  Unable to lift a finger to help the economy, unable to raise a hand against terrorists, unable to lift America's image abroad, dem leaders found that their meager metrosexual musculature was just barely sufficient to lift the debt ceiling by $1.8 trillion, paving the way for even more reckless spending.

The spindly and skeletal Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said "We're getting weaker each day.  We figured we better do it now, before next year's campaign season, by which time I fear we'll be too weak to even lift our own sorry electoral chances."
Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Resist!

I AM JACKSON OF EPA.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOUR LIFE AS IT HAS BEEN, IS OVER.  FROM THIS TIME FORWARD, YOU WILL SERVE THE STATE.  YOU WILL BE REGULATED.

WE CONTROL YOUR THERMOSTATS.  WE CONTROL YOUR SMARTMETERS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE REGULATED.  

San Fran under water?

You may have seen Gov Schwarzenegger's announcement that globull warming would lead to increases in sea level which would leave San Francisco under water.  OK, I'm going to need some convincing that this is somehow a bad thing.  The Giants are my fave MLB team, so I'd prefer that 'frisco be swamped while my Giants are out on a road trip.  But otherwise, is there really a downside?

Actually SF is a very scenic city.  If it weren't for all the moonbats, hippies, homeless, militant homos and assorted Pelosis, it would be quite nice.  So, what if we decide that we want SF back once all the hippies and moonbats have been washed to sea?  (Probably the first time they've washed in a long while, but I digress...)  'Cuz that's good real estate once you give it the colonic it so desperately needs.  The answer is so simple, so straightforward, so, so trivial, even.

Yes, I'm talking about our long-lost friend, Nuclear Winter.  We haven't heard much about nuclear winter lately.  When I was a teenager the slobbering leftards were wetting themselves over Global Thermonuclear War (shall.we.play.a.game?) instead of Global Warming.  They were convinced that President Reagan would go cowboy and light up the Evil Empire.  "No Nukes!  Even if we live through the weapons exchange, we'll all end up freeeeeeeeeezing to death.  Reagan wants us all to die!"  Go to the used record store and look up the lyrics from any of those femmy, nasally, wave-o band from the '80s.  They were all sniveling about getting nuked and/or freezing.  It was everywhere.  Waaaaah.  Then suddenly the whole issue pretty much went away.  Kinda like Iraq - outrageous outrage to mute silence as though some invisible switch had been flipped. Now I just savor the irony of how their first whiny global hysteria will be the solution for their second.

Ya see, once we're confident that the waves of saltwater have washed all the patchouli smell and sidewalk vomit away and it is time to take our city back, just pull the trigger!  By my calculations, if we lob a few megatons at Damascus, Tripoli and Tehran, the resulting debris field will reduce the global mean temperature to pre-industrial levels, bringing the sea level down with it.  If we decide that SF should have a little more beachline, then all we have to do is pop Pyongyang, too.  See, the possibilities are almost endless!

Mother Nature or Mommie Dearest?

Seems like mom's been using the wire hangers on global warming's pimply white rump.  Snow in Houston!  25^o last night here, and they're talking lows down around 15^o by Sunday night!  Fifteen bleeping degrees!  Yeah, I'm sure some of my southern readers are like "that's what y'all git for livin' up there by Canada!"  But my part of Oregon is only about 200' elevation, and the weather coming in from the Pacific is almost always "warm" so temps in the teens are VERY unusual.  We get into the teens maybe once every five years or so.  And never in the first week of December!

With the ClimateGate scandal becoming better known, we're seeing a lot more info coming out refuting AGW.  Lots of sites are all over it, but Ace (if you don't mind salty language) has a lot in the main column and also in the right-side headlines.  Lots of people are calling baloney.  I know there are some bitter clinger contrarians who will say "Well, a few of your little anecdotes don't negate the, um, 'fact', that the earth is warming."  To which I respond "No, but a mountainous mountain of anecdotal evidence plus willful mishandling of climate data equals shut yer flapping lips, you lying hippie!"  Only the profoundly stupid still buy this nonsense.  If you still believe in AGW, for your own safety you should limit yourself to cheap plastic cutlery at dinnertime.  You're not smart enough to safely handle a real butter knife.

It is unraveling so fast that the big climate pow-wow in Copenhagen may end up a disappointment.  Even Fat Al says he's a 'no.'  The prostitutes (the literal whores, not the metaphoric political whores) are offering their services for free!  Normally, globalist do-gooders at a convention and prostitution go together like peanut butter and jelly.  If the scandi slutbags are offering it up for free, with "The Final Countdown" playing live in the background and you still can't attract a decent number of totalitarians with nice sunglasses to your event, well, that pretty much spells the end of your little crusade.  Save yourself further embarrassment by just knocking it off, OK?

Friday Sickblogging

Now well into my 6th day of feeling like [bad word].  Really hinders my enthusiasm for coming up with entertaining content, as you can no doubt tell.  I ain't had much the last few days.  Thankfully Amusing Bunni forwarded me some more Tiger Woods jokes.  (Blogging is actually pretty easy when other people do it for ya)  Hopefully the humor muse will drop by during my lunchbreak and I can scrawl together a post.  In the meantime, laugh at the expense of Tiger:

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to ask her how to beat Tiger.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards..

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Why did Tiger Woods crash into a fire hydrant and then a tree? He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers; to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Hello, Mr. Woods. This is the On Star operator. We have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window. We've called Nike. A new club is on its way.

Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!

Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Poor choice; he should have gone with the driver.

Tiger is a cheeta!

Seemed like a great idea a few days ago.

January 2010 cover of Golf Digest

Found on Instapundit.  Click to go over to radaronline and see a bigger version.

If a pic is worth a thousand words, this particular pic has got to be worth a thousand jokes.  I haven't thought of any yet.  At least none that are family-friendly.






UPDATE:  Amusing Bunni dropped some heehees in the comments of the other thread.  I think these deserve some front-page treatment.  Here goes -

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Caddilac?
Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Why didnt Tiger climb the tree instead of running into it.

Of course, he blamed it on a problem with his Escalade. Typical.....whenever a golfer hits a tree, he blames it on his Caddie

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Norwegian.

Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
He was late getting to the next hole.

The Tiger Woods Made for TV Scandal

Reports are coming in and so far it is sounding like Tiger Woods is more a Mr. Putz than Mr. Putts.  While the recent events in his life prompt me to write this, let's instead put him aside for now and take a wider look at fame, fortune and power:  When one looks across the landscape of the people who have become very successful in their careers (as the world counts "success") we see a troubling number who are total failures at other, more fundamental levels of life.  We ask ourselves how people could allow their lives to get so messed up.  Then the wiser among us pause to take an inventory of our own lives. 
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My beat up old car, modest home, relative anonymity, discount-store blue jeans and MARRIAGE THAT WORKS is looking pretty good right now.

Understanding the Hockey Stick Effect

Here is a helpful chart that illustrates the dangers of positive-feedback systems.  As you can clearly see, it doesn't take much government funding, public accolades, or very many Nobel Prizes for the system to to suddenly deviate drastically from the norm.  It will require a dedicated global effort to reverse this problem, and we are quickly running out of time to do so.  Failure is not acceptable, for human life (at least in decent countries) would be forced to behave in ways radically different from the lifestyles we presently enjoy. In fact, many will not even survive if we fail to take action immediately.  This menace must be halted!

That just ain't right

Dunno how many of ya visit Moonbattery.  I think they're pretty good and I go there at least once per day.  But they have revolving ads along the right side of their screen that I haven't figured out how to AdBlock yet.  Sometimes the ads just don't really jibe.  What I saw there today and screencapped is a perfect example.  There is something very, very wrong with the composition of this ad!

Grrr! Say it right, moron!

AM reception is awful at work today, so I'm listening to the oldies on FM.  They just played that Steely Dan song which has a line "I crossed my old man back in Ore-uh-GONE" repeated over and over.

Blood boiling.  Must simmer down.

OK.

People, pay attention.  If you say "Ore-uh-GONE" you are a dolt.  Real Oregonians blow right past that middle syllable like a drunk ignoring a stop sign.  Occasionally we slow down enough that it kind of counts as a diphthong, but just barely.  Most of us say it in such a way that it sounds just like "organ".  As in "if you say it like ore-uh-Gone, you'll soon be an organ donor!"

There is a lot to like about Organ, especially the western half or so.  Within about an hour's drive I can be at the coast, the ski slopes, or cool places to hike and plink.  Come on by and visit.  But if you say "ore-uh-Gone" in my presence, I'll reach right into the river, pull out a steelhead with my bare hands, and smack you with it. 

The Man(?) behind the UN IPCC

The claim:  This fellow is a Nobel Peace Prize recipient and in charge of the UN Global Warming committee. 

Actually, that's pretty believable.  But I think it is more believable that this is actually Gene Simmons after he fell asleep in the tanning booth.  Or a guy wanting a cameo in a Geico caveman ad.  I've seen that suit before, too - the props guy from Miami Vice wants it back, pronto.  Then again, maybe he's Gimli the Dwarf out of those LotR movies.  Dunno.  What I do know, is that while crazy hair worked on Einstein, buddy, this asymmetical 2-tone combover thing is way, way bad.  Get thee to a sheepshearer apace!

Suddenly the missing climate data makes sense, too - I think our perp here rolled a really giant J with the papers and started blazing.  Seriously, look at those eyes and try to convince me that he's not responsible for a whole lot of  bongbowl warming. 

Oh, what?  I'm childish for making petty remarks about his appearance?  Well, neener-neener to you.  The guy is full of crap from stem to stern.  How many people have starved or died from lack of medicine because precious resources have been diverted to combat a non-existent climate problem?  How many hospitals or water treatment plants could have been built with the billions of bucks whizzed down the drain of AGW?  The sickening part of the whole AGW movement isn't just that it'll cripple economies to the supposed benefit of the developing world.  The worse part of it is the the developing world is run by thugs who seize everything for themselves.  Whatever wealth gets "redistributed" to these poor nations won't help one bit with the problems facing the ordinary people living there.  It'll just get their dictators a few new palaces.  Spit.

Barry questionable answers

[Jeopardy! music plays]

[Announcer] "Here's Alex Trebec!"

[Alex] "Welcome to a very special Celebrity Jeopardy!  Let's meet today's contestants, and find out which charity they are playing for."

[Obama] "Hi.  I'm, uh, the President of the US.  I'm playing for ACORN, since their funding has really gotten hammered lately.  Hopefully I can help them out."

[Jessica Simpson] "Hi, I'm Jessica.  I can't remember the name of the foundation I'm playing for, but they help models and actresses afford lots of new shoes.  It's a very good cause."

[Wolf Blitzer] "Hi, I'm Wolf.  I'd just like to thank the Jeopardy! studios for allowing me a second shot at this.  When I was last here, I had taken far above the recommended dosage of cough syrup and it really hurt my play.  I hope to do better this time, and I'm playing for the National Association of Self-Loathing Jews Who Can't Score with Women."

[Alex] "Very well.  Let's reveal today's categories:  The Rennaisance, Me First - where the correct response will begin with the letters "emm eee", US Constitution, Catch Some Zzzs, Famous Texans, and finally Rivers of the World.  Mr. President, select first."

[Obama] "Oooh!  Me First for $200, Alex!"

[Alex] "This cloven-hoofed ruler of the Underworld..."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!"

[Alex] "Sorry, that's incorrect.  We're looking for a question that starts with M E.  Anyone?"

[Wolf] "Who is Medusa?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect, but you're on the right track. Jessica?"

[Jessica] "As if!"

[Alex] "Mr. President, select again."

[Obama] "Oooh! Oooh!  ME First for $400, Alex"

[Alex] "This geological era forms the bridge between the Cenozoic and the Paleozoic."

[Obama] "ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!?"

[Alex] "Incorrect.  Anyone else?" [silence] "We were looking for 'mesozoic.'  Mr. President, you don't seem to understand the way the questions in this category work.  Each correct..."

[Obama, angrily interrupting] "Listen, Alex, I know what "ME FIRST!" means.  This is just a bunch of racist junk to make me look bad."

[Alex] "Sir, I assure you that is not the case.  When, and I do say 'when' not 'if' one of the white contestants says anything as absurd, I'll give them appropriate scorn as well.  Select again."

[Obama] "Famous Texans for $200"

[Alex] "This legendary quarterback traded his blue & gold collegiate colors for the lone star of Dallas"

[Obama] "Who is Tony Romo?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Sorry, that is not correct.  Romo wore blue and gray in college."

[Jessica] "Yeah, he's not really legendary.  More of a choke artist if you ask me."

[Wolf] "Who is Troy Aikman?"

[Alex] "Correct!  Also acceptable would be Roger Staubach."

[Obama, really upset] "Hey judge!" [trying to sound like Heath Ledger] "Why so tighta[bleep]?  I bet when you fart it sounds like a dog whistle!"

[Alex] "Sir, this is family programming.  Please don't make us bleep you out."

[Obama] "Really?  You're fu[bleep]ing my bleedin' a[bleep]s  with a cactus!  That's what I think!" [Yells into crowd] "Hey, Rahm!  Find out who this judge guy is and give him the full Joe-the-Plumber treatment.  I want you to totally Roto-Rooter him!"

[Alex, unsettled] "Wolf, please select a category."

[Wolf] "Catch some Zzz's for $200, Alex"

[Alex] "This semi-autonomous region of East Africa is noted for its spices and its involvement in the shortest war ever, lasting only 38 minutes."

[Obama] "What is Zambia?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect."

[Obama] "Hey, I know what I'm talking about, here!  I know all about east Africa!  Zambia is right next door to Kenya where I was bor... Ah, scratch that.  Nevermind."

[Wolf] "What is Zaire?"

[Alex] "Sorry, that is incorrect.  Jessica?"

[Jessica] "What is Zanzibar?"

[Alex] "Correct!  I must ask, how did you know that?"

[Jessica] "I just got this really cool lipstick in the color of Zanzibar Red.  I didn't know what Zanzibar was, so I google'd it.  Just yesterday, in fact.  Yay!"

[Alex] "Jessica, select a category"

[Jessica] "I'll take The Rennyscience for $200"

[Alex] "I'm pretty sure I know what you meant, so here's the answer: This artist spent years on his back painting the Sistine Chapel."

[Obama] "Who is Maya Angelou?"

[Alex] "Judges?" [pause] "Close enough."

[Obama] "What's the matter, judge?  Check didn't clear?  Thank you very little!"

[Intolerably long scene of dumb answer after dumb answer deleted for your sanity......]

[Alex] "Mr. President, you have shattered the previous record for greatest deficit in one game, $336,000.  Normally we'd allow you $1000 to compete in Fnal Jeopardy, but we just can't afford to give you any more money."

[Omama pouts]

[Alex] "Wolf, you, too are in the hole by quite a bit.  I think we should just skip Final Jeopardy and declare Jessica Simpson our new champion, with a grand total of $200.

Innomipoint contest, 11-30-09

I turned on blogger's "new post editor" so let's see if it barfs...

Original post w/ rules

Question #1:  '80s hair-metal music is

1. All-around vomit-inducing garbage that should never be played again.
2. There were a few good bands, but most stank like a warm day at the landfill.
3. Most of the music was good, with a few posers here and there.
4. Dude!  The '80s rule!  Dis on the hair bands at your peril!

Question #2:  What is the most asked-for thing on kid's letters to Santa this year?

1. A job for daddy
2. A new video game console
3. A pony
4. A do-over on the 2008 elections.
   

Question #3:  Barney Frank, Chris Mathews, Al Gore and the ghost of Ted Kennedy are eating lunch at O'Bama's Olde Time Irish Bar and Grill.   Sarah Palin, Fred Thompson, Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney enter and wait to be seated.  What happens next?

Thanksgiving trevails

Ever see one of these?  Probably not.  It's a Mitsubishi Expo, and they were never all that popular.  Weird little wagon that looks like a minivan.  I own one.  Not exactly my dream car.  Mine's blue w/ dog claw scratches on the hood.  So, on Thanksgiving, we loaded up 5 adults, a 115lb dog, and a 105 lb dog for a 3.5 hour trip from Corvallis, OR to Medford, OR.  Ended up being a 4 hour trip 'cuz one of the occupants is pregnant.
Thanksgiving at brother-in-law's place was pretty decent.  Then on Saturday, it was time to return home.  With an EXTRA passenger. Thankfully he only needed a ride to Roseburg, which is about 1.5 hours from Medford.  Or 2 hours in pregnant-time (she never met a rest area she didn't like)  The Expo is designed to seat 7 (snugly!) so it was do-able as long as the folks in the middle row could tolerate the occasional doggie elbow shots to the groinal regions.  Unfortunately, some of our travelling party took ill over the weekend.  The weather wasn't so good, so the windows were up most of the time.  Yes, my Expo became a Mobile Germ Incubation Facility, like something Saddam Hussein would've thought up.  Some of these germs came home to roost within my person and I am presently achy and feverish as I type this.  (But I got another day off, so ya win some/lose some.)  We stopped in Roseburg to hand my nephew off to his mom.  We had agreed to meet at Shari's restaurant.  Everybody was complaining about the cramped conditions as we got closer. I tried to explain that "Roseburg is where Troy Polamalu grew up and went to high school! There's actually a pretty good chance that he's actually eaten in the restaurant we're about to visit!"  Nobody seemed to care except my wife, who has good taste in football.  The rest were like "Huh?  Who are you talking about?" but were seated too far behind me to taste my backhand.  Eventually we kicked li'l nephew out and the car went from stupidly crowded to merely crowded.  The rest of the trip was uneventful except for numerous wee-wee breaks.  Then the Polamalu-less and Big Ben-less Steelers blew it last night...  Time for more Ny-Quil.

PS - I know this is about as interesting as plain oatmeal.  Mostly I just wanted to test blogger's "read more" feature that I just enabled.

PPS - I don't see a "read more" anywhere.  Oh well.

Win Amazing Prizes!

OK, here's the deal. This is a real contest. There will be a real prize. Yeah, it won't be a million bucks. But it will be a real prize. Maybe a $20 gift card, something like that. I haven't decided yet. The contest will run until somewhere around the end of the year.

Here are the rules: Among the posts I put up, there will be ones with questions. Responses to the questions earn points. Your comment alone, even if it is hopelessly stupid, is worth one point - kinda like how putting your name on your SAT gets you points. Some questions will have point values openly associated with them. Here, a weaselly commenter could simply pick the answer with the highest value. But my readers aren't weasels; I'm confident in your honesty. Other questions will not have their points shown - only I will know. Yet other questions will be short answer/essay questions with purely subjective scoring. Just before the end of the contest, there will be a big-point Final Exam which could really shake up the rankings. I may also consider a booby prize for the one who chokes the worst. Correct answers will not be revealed until the end, allowing latecomers to go back to the beginning of the contest and catch up.

Why am I doing this? 'Cuz I really like my commenters. I don't get much traffic, but I get more comments than a lot of sites that get WAY more traffic. I think that is cool. Consider this contest a form of "thank you!" to everybody.

On to today's quiz!

Question 1. Do you own a multimeter?

1. "What's a multimeter?" (0 points)


2. "Yes, but I don't know how to use it" (-2 points)


3. "Yes. I use it regularly. (5 points)


4. "I used to. But I tried measuring innominatus' awesomeness and it blew up. (1 point. Don't be a suck-up)
5. "No." (2 points for honesty)

Question 2. How intelligent is President Obeyme?

1. Super smart. Like a mad scientist or 007 movie villain.


2. Pretty smart. Definitely above average.


3. Average at best. Definitely overrated.


4. He's about as sharp as the wilted broccoli that's been in my 'fridge for a month.

Question 3. Which is the greater myth: Anthropogenic Global Warming, or that the Stimulus has actually created jobs? Explain.

Success!

Thanks to the many who help and advised. Especially Mike, who provided a link to a tutorial that covered exactly what I wanted to do, sparing me many hours of manually fumbling around in the code. There have been some other changes:

• Turned on word verification. I was getting tired of spam comments telling me I need to take more vitamins.


• Added to the blogroll. This is still a work in progress. If you're not listed and you'd like your link to be seen by literally dozens of readers each day, lemme know. For the right amount of money I'm sure I can squeeze ya in.


• Above the blogroll is a new feature that I'll be starting soon. Win amazing prizes!

Anyway, if things look at all screwy in your browser, please advise ASAP. Now that the 3-column ordeal is over, I can hopefully get to work on some actual posts. Thanks.

Working on 3-column layout

Dunno what resolutions y'all are running, and whether you see a lot of wasted space in this present template. I see a lot. And I don't like it. So I'm fiddling off-line with some 3-column layouts. I have a little mini-blogroll of just blogs that concentrate on humor, but I'd like to be able to show the others I regularly visit. And I have a little "game" in mind that needs some space. Three columns looks like the best way to make that happen.

Hopefully my stone-age html skills are up to the task and I can get it all done quickly.

UPDATE:
Thought I had made good progress so I switched over. Briefly. Ended up screwing it all up and went back to old layout. I'm a compulsive code whittler. I hate redundancies and meaningless comments. I probably got a little frisky with deleting stuff. Clobbered the SiteMeter for a while, too. So Nappy and Holder had a couple hours to snoop my stuff and look for secret code words and not leave a trace. Hint to Nappy and Holder: "Obama is a doofus" is not a coded phrase.

Inquiring minds are confused

There isn't enough time to take a meaningful nap before the Beavers play WSU. So, I'm trying to stay awake a little longer. In the midst of my sleep-defying deep meditations, I've encountered a question I just can't answer. I know I could probably go to ask.com or somesuch, but hey, when we add the collective IQ's of your humble blogger together with his readers, I'm pretty sure we break into the triple-digits. So I'll ask you instead:

I don't like my coffee scalding hot. It needs to be cooled off just enough to be chuggable. (Wow, "chuggable" passes the spellcheck!) I cool it off with milk. I make it brutally strong so that after being diluted by the cooling milk, it still retains some oomph. Today I used chocolate milk instead. The store-bought kind in a jug, not the Nestle's Quik. I don't really like my coffee as well that way, but the chocomoo was getting near the ick date so I figured I better hurry up and use it. The stuff has been in the 'fridge for better than a week and hasn't settled at all. Yet when I mix it in the coffee, the cocoa precipitates out in the bottom of the cup. A surprising amount of it, in fact. Nice thick layer of black slurry at the bottom of the mug. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. But what's the deal, science-wise? Upon whom should I assign blame? Is this actionable in court? Is it just a case of the cocoa getting all tribalist and refusing to assimilate?

PS - Don't blame barry. I know it wasn't him. He's been too busy golfing today to have had enough spare time to mess with me like this. Plus, based on his lack of solutions to our nation's problems, I doubt if he even knows the difference between a colloid and a solution.

Oprah is teh smart!

Imagine how silly Oprah would look if her show was On-Air at the time of the Great Fiery Mayan Calendar Flip of Doom in 2012! Seriously, what kind of TV ratings can anybody, even Oprah, expect to get when all the viewers are busy dodging inbound meteorites and rising lava? Her insightful decision to pull the plug on her show in 2011 reveals great wisdom and an impeccable sense of timing. Kudos!

Most Barryful Time of the Year

[Obama] "Hey! Who's there?"

[Ghost #1] "Barry, I am the ghost of Presidencies Past."

[Obama] "You look kinda like Reagan. Go away."

[Ghost] "No, Barry, I have some things to show you."

Nearby, a sleep apnea machine makes Darth Vader noises as it clings to the face of a slumbering Michelle. Barry feels himself leaving his body and taking on a ghostly form.

[Ghost] "Don't be alarmed. You're going to have a vision."

[Obama] "The only nighttime visions I have are of cute little Brazilian chicas with nice hardware. Knock it off and let me sleep. I've been under a lot of stress and I need the rest."

[Ghost] "No, Barry. You're coming with me for a while." [Ghost takes a firm grip of spectral Barry and gives him a yank] "Let's go."

[Obama] "Michelle, wake up! You gotta help me!"

Michelle does not respond. The Ghost of Presidencies Past drags an unwilling Obama back to Berlin in the '80s...

[Ghost] "Have you seen this wall before?"

[Obama] "Yeah, some pictures. I think they left a piece of it standing as some kind of sad memorial. I liked it better when the wall was still standing. Now East Germany has been absorbed by the capitalist West and the whole thing is a mess."

[Ghost] "This is where I told Gorby to tear the wall down. You have been playing footsie with the Evil Empire. Socialism worldwide is on the decline. Even the squishy euros are realizing that it is untenable. You are on the wrong side of history. It will not end well for you."

[Obama] "That's only 'cuz they've never had somebody as smart as me running their lives. If I had been born 20 years sooner, I could have saved them from these troubles. You just watch. I'm going to prove you wrong, wrong, wrong."

[Ghost] "It is evident that you just don't get it. I am wasting my time." [Ghost snaps his fingers and Barry returns to present reality.]

[Obama, sitting up in bed, startled] "Whew! It was just a dream!"

The following night, Obama is again visited...

[Ghost #2, looking like George Soros] "Barry, it's me! I'm the Ghost of Presidencies Present! I have great things to show you!"

[Obama] "Oh, hey! Whassup?"

[Ghost #2 takes Obama by the hand and leads him to North Korea]

[Obama] "This is cool! I've only seen pictures, but it looks even better in real life! I gotta hand it to Li'l Kim, he sure knows how to run a country and redistribute wealth."

[Ghost #2] "My student, you are learning well. Soon you will have this kind of power. All it will cost you is the wealth of your country - given to me. I will be the first trillionaire, and you will be the first Exalted World Ruler!"

[Obama] "Oh, that day can't come soon enough for me! Bring it on!"

[Ghost #2] "Patience, my student. Patience. That has always been your weakness. But I will train you well. Let us return..." [Ghost #2 snaps fingers, Obama returns to peaceful sleep]

[Ghost #2, under his breath as he looks down an a content Barry] "What a maroon. He believes everything I tell him. Bwaaahaaahaaaa!"

The next day, there is yet another visitor...

[Ghost #3, looking like Sarah Palin] "Mr. President, I am the Ghost of Presidencies Future. I have much to show you."

[Obama] "Gaah! Get out of here! Rahm, get in here and deal with this!"

[Ghost #3] "Rahm isn't here. He can't hear you."

[Obama] "Nonsense! Rahm is always there for me!"

[Ghost #3] "Not this time. It is just the two of us. I will show you the future."

[Obama] "Rahm! I don't know what you're fertilizing the arugula with, but it is giving me nightmares!"

[Ghost #3] "This isn't a nightmare, it's more of a vision..."

[Obama] "You mean I'm trippin'? No way. I don't do that anymore. Last time I tried that I woke up with Larry Sinclair's face in my lap and my butthole felt weird. There's no way!"

[Ghost #3] "TMI!! TMI!!"

[Obama] "Yeah, I didn't like it much, either. So let's just not and say we did."

[Ghost #3] "You must see. You must see." [Ghost #3 takes Barry by the wrist and whisks him into the future]

[Obama] "What's with that huge crowd in the National Mall?"

[Ghost #3] "That's the crowd of admirers at my third re-election party."

[Obama] "Whaaa?"

[Ghost #3] "Yep! You screwed things up so badly that you lost congressional majorities in 2010 and I stomped you in 2012. With my mandate, I got term limits imposed on congress. So all your old allies are now out picking beans."

[Obama] "Seriously?"

[Ghost #3] "You bethca!"

[Obama] "Who's that?"

[Palin] "That's your youngest daughter. It's prom night, but nobody would ask her out because you are universally despised. So she's all alone and crying."

[Obama] "Me? People hate me? That can't be."

[Ghost #3] "Oh, for sure. Your wife left you. Your kids talk smack about you. Even Iran used to talk smack about you, before I nuked them into silence."

[Obama] "I can't let this happen! What can I do? Please tell me it is not too late!"

[Ghost #3] "No, there's still time. All you have to do is fire all your commie czars, balance the budget, and drill for oil everywhere. You pretty much have to become the opposite of you."

[Obama] "Dang. I really, really like me. I don't know if I can do that!"

[Ghost #3] "OK, then! See ya in 2012!"

Count the change!

Every last convenience store in my town is now owned by [insert racial stereotype here]. In every last convenience store in my town, the cashiers have ceased the time-honored tradition of counting back my change. Coincidence? Counting back change isn't very hard. I can do it, and I'm not a even a real cashier. I'm what a lot of people would consider a dumb mouth-breathing gap-toothed redneck. But I can still do it.

Remember how it used to work? Say your purchase came to $5.83 and you paid with a $20. The cashier would say "$5.83, out of a twenty. $.17 [drops change in your hand] makes $6, four $1's [puts four singles in your hand] makes $10, and $10 more [drops $10 bill in your hand] makes $20. Have a great day!"

Nowadays, the [insert racial stereotype here] has a disordered stack of bills stretched taut between his hands, with a little pile of coins on top. Then the [insert racial stereotype here] wordlessly attempts to put the whole jumbled mess in my hand all at once, being extra careful to avoid any accidental skin contact - as though I might have some form of cooties. OK, buddy, that feeling is mutual. But now I have to wonder if the right amount is there. I also have to figure out how to get the pile of coins off the stack of bills without dumping them all over the counter, which I'm not usually successful at. Then I have to count and face all the bills before they go in the wallet - I guess I'm just fussy that way.

The whole thing becomes an ordeal that I'd rather just do without. But overpaying for a stale Hostess apple pie at a convenience store is about as American as apple pie, so I keep going back and the cycle continues. What am I to do?

Dank you beddy mush, sir!

The vermin shalt perish

Not feeling very good. Don't know if I'll be able to live up to my average of about .84 posts/day. But it isn't all bad news. The mouse that has been pooping on my desk in the shop area has been bested. He died from lack of healthcare coverage and nutri-grain-bar-baited mousetrap, but mostly nutri-grain-bar-baited mousetrap.

If you're ever lacking for cheese or peanut butter, the corner of one of these is sweet, yummy death to bug-eyed rodents:
-----------------------

Yes, Amusing Bunni, the mouse was kind of cute.

Weird radio silence

I was listening to Michael Savage this afternoon at work, when he took a call from a fired-up New Yorker who had quite a little rant going on. The caller said something about guns, and Michael said "If they come for the guns..." at which time the radio went silent for about five seconds.
So, was it:

1. A momentary problem with my radio?


2. A momentary problem with the local broadcaster?


3. A momentary problem in Savage's studio?


4. Savage getting a little carried away so his producer muted him for a sec?


5. Big Brother interfering with a lawful transmission, because its message was "unsettling" to the bloated liberty-crushing weasels in DC?

I don't know. But the timing of it was very strange. My hunch is tha





er. I'm glad to have a forum like this where I can air my thoughts. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Sweet Maersk Alabama

OK, I used to think that American liberals were the dumbest subspecies of humanity. Somali pirates have toppled them from that lofty perch to claim the title. Seems like that Navy SEAL sniper fire would've taught them not to mess with US-flagged vessels, but dumb people don't learn as quickly as the rest of us. That's how we classify them as dumb.

See, the Maersk Alabama had armed security on board this time, who opened fire when the little Somali speedboat was about 300 yards away. The pirates turned tail and there were no casualties among the Maersk Alabama crew. Heehee.

Please note the conspicuous lack of committee meetings, judicial proceedings, and UN Resolutions. Just good guys with guns shooting at bad guys. Compare and contrast with a British response to another piracy event the other day.

USA! USA! USA!

KSM has a barry nice day

President Obama is reclined in his seat aboard Air Force One, between legs of his Asian Gaffe Tour. He turns on the TV and sees Attorney General Holder giving an interview.

[Holder, on TV] "...so we decided to bring Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to New York for a criminal trial in a civilian court."

[Obama] "What!?! Not yet!! Not right after the Ft. Hood man-caused contingency!!"

[Interviewer, on TV] "This 'we' you speak of, who is this? The President? The Governor of NY?"

[Holder] "Nah, neither of them. My wife and I talked about it over a nice Chianti. We both thought it was a good idea."

[Interviewer] "But, shouldn't you have, um, maybe consulted with others in the administration?"

[Holder] "Nope. I'm the Attorney General. That means I'm an attorney and I'm a general. When it comes to justice, I give the commands around here."

[Obama, into cellphone] "Joe, CinC here. We have a major SNAFU. Situation FUBAR. AG EH decided to bring KSM to NY for CCP. We're in some real deep sierra."

[Biden] "Sir, I really don't understand what you're saying."

[Obama] "Sorry. I've been working on my acronyms. Ya know, trying to build a little cred with the military. Let 'em know I'm one of them, like, not a pushover. What that meant was that Holder wants to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in New York in regular ol' criminal court."

[Biden] "What's the big deal? Wasn't that always part of the plan?"

[Obama] "Yeah, but not mere days after that poor troubled soldier shot up Ft. Hood! We needed to give the dupes in flyover country a little time to digest before the media starts yapping about the alleged mastermind of 9/11. It isn't helpful having terrorism constantly on peoples' minds."

[Biden] "Right, right. So where do I fit in?"

[Obama] "You need to get down to Gitmo right away. You need to somehow convince KSM to waive his right to trial and just let us execute him."

[Biden] "He's already confessed and asked for death. I'm confused."

[Obama] "Da**it Joe, I'm confused, too! I've never run anything like this before, either! I'd go there myself, but I'm somewhere over the Pacific at about 40,000'. Not much I can do from here. I need you to think of something, and get down there."

[Biden] "Why don't you just confront Holder and tell him to knock it off?"

[Obama] "Have you ever seen Holder? I mean really looked at him? He's one scary dude! No way!"

[Biden] "Then why doncha just fire him?"

[Obama] "Look, the maintenance people still haven't finished cleaning the residue of greggycraig and Anita Dunn out from under the bus. There's just no way I could throw anybody else under there right now."

[Biden] "Why don't you just fly through the Panama Canal? I'm pretty sure Gitmo is in the Caribbean, which is by the Canal, which is by the Pacific. You could get there in no time."

[Obama] "Joe! I need you. Quit stalling, dithering and buck-passing! I need your foreign policy expertise. I need you to work your foreign policy magic on a foreigner who is being held on a foreign island. Joe, this is right up your alley. Get on it."

[Biden, dejectedly] "Aye, sir."

Vice President Biden arrives at Gitmo in a nondescript aircraft and enters the detention facility.

Biden enter's KSM's cell. KSM is seated on the floor with his hands cuffed in front of him. A pair of armed guards stands ready nearby.

[Biden] "KSM, I mean, Mr. Mohammed, I, uh. I'm. I'm just going to call you 'K', OK?"

[KSM] "Inshallah, I shall speet on your hairplugs!" [loud, loogie-building snort]

[Armed guard] "Not again!" [places pillowcase of KSM's head to prevent spitting]

[Biden] "K, take it easy. I'm here to get you out of this place. We're on the same side."

[KSM] "I shall put fire on all your country, inshallah!"

[Biden] "K. You gotta listen. I'm here from President Obama. He wants to get you out of here."

[KSM] "Death to heem! [Gesture of drawing scimitar, done awkwardly because of handcuffs] "Inshallah, I will put big kuh-nife" [swings imaginary scimitar] "across heez neck!"

Biden's cellphone rings.

[Biden] "Hello"

[Obama] "How is it going? Making any progress?"

[Biden] "No. I'm trying to be the nice guy, but he keeps making violent threats and talking about enchiladas. He's crazier than... than... oh, I dunno. But he's crazy and all this talk about enchiladas is making me crazy hungry."

[Obama] "Don't let the hunger distract you. If 'good cop' isn't working, then you better become the 'bad cop' and work it that way."

[Biden] "Roger." [Hangs up] "OK, K. There's something you need to understand. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way. I recommend the easy way. 'Cuz I was pretty good at football back when I was in high school, and you really don't want to see me get angry. I'll beat you like a rented halfback."

[KSM] "I bet your mother is sexy. Inshallah, I shall..."

[Biden] "Hey! Don't even start on my mom! Look, we're going to try you. We're going to find you guilty. Then we will execute you!"

[KSM] "Sound good to me. But first, I represent self and see all evidence against me and method used to get evidence against me which I send all to bin Laden. Then I claim no read rights. Then I claim tortured when confessing. I walk. Inshallah, I go free back to Waziristan and make plan to bring fire to all your country."

[Biden] "You don't get it. Even if you are acquitted, we'll just immediately re-arrest you and try you in military court, find you guilty, and execute you."

[KSM] "Still sound good to me. But I still send all info to bin Laden."

[Biden] "Dang it! Don't you want to die and meet your virgins now? Here, eat this!" [hands pill to KSM]

[KSM wolfs down pill] "Burp!"

[Biden] "There's enough cyanide in that pill to kill 10 men. You'll be dead inside of 30 seconds! Ha!"

5 minutes go by...

10 minutes go by...

[Biden] "Why aren't you dead?"

[KSM] "Taste good like almond."

[Biden] "How are you still living?"

[KSM] "In cave in Waziristan I live only on dried goat curd. This pill is good. Taste like almond. Would go good with dried goat curd, dried dates and dried honey. Yum! This pill like tic-tac after what I eat in cave in Waziristan."

Biden's phone rings again.

[Biden] "Hello"

[Obama] "Update?"

[Biden] "He ate the pill and he's still fine. Trying to poison him is not going to look good when we go to trial."

[Obama] "Yeah. Better head back to DC and act like it never happened."

My take on Obowma bowing to Akihito

Various pundits spent the weekend beating President Obowma up for bowing to Emperor Akhito of Japan. I, as usual, have to be the lone voice of reason. I, as usual, am the only one who really understands what is going on. I, as usual, will now tell you what really happened.

This is actually a major victory for Obowma. It is well understood that an American president bows to nobody, clearly making this bow insincere. It is rather like when I let my toddler-aged grandson beat me at wrestling: everybody knows I could beat him, so by letting him win I send a message of utter strength and confidence. He gets a good long giggle out of it, too, especially when I feign being in pain from his holds and throws. All because he is too young and lacking in nuanced thinking to realize that I am actually embarrassing him. He becomes a little toy to be trifled with for as long as he continues to amuse me and then unceremoniously handed back to grandma. Similarly, Obowma is toying with Akihito. He is saying "I am so dominant over you, I can bow like a wuss and still be the baddest man on the planet." Obowma is sending the world the unmistakable message that he, Obowma, is Undisputed and Undefeated Leader of the Free World, the not-quite-free-but-still-pretty-cheap world, the third world and even the turd world. Leaders in North Korea, China, Iran and Venezuela are no doubt rethinking their policies of antagonizing the United States. They quiver in fear at the thought of Obowma appearing in their countries and bowing to them. Expect Nork and Iranian nuclear programs to be cancelled in short order. China will stop poisoning us with lead-based paint on our toys. Osama bin Laden will come out of his cave with his hands up, saying (in Arabic, of course) "I geeve up! I surrender! Just please not to bow at me, O Mighty Obowma!" Even the glaciers will stop melting - if they know what is good for them. This was a great day in the history of America.

Empathy for Obama?

Sorry if that headline makes that stupid Stones "Sympathy for the Devil" pop into your head. But this morning before work my wife asks "I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner tonight. Do you want steak, pork chops, hamburger or chicken?"

And I just couldn't decide.

I wasn't hungry.

None of those options sounded very good at the moment.

There were four simple options presented to me, and I just couldn't make the call. I thought about saying "none of the above" but I knew that would just get me a stink-eye and probably no dinner at all. Suddenly I felt a strange kinship with our indecisive pResident. Then my wife gave me an eyeroll and just made the decision herself. I don't even know yet what she picked.

Obama, nobody is going to step in and make the decision for you. You wanted the job, you got the job, now do the job.

/end moment of empathy

Barry difficult decisions

President Obeyme is stooped over the large two-panel map from the original RISK boardgame, which is spread over his Oval Office desk. An assortment of multisided D&D dice and some green plastic army men occupy various regions on the map. Rahm Emanuel enters.

[Rahm] "Sire, may I inquire as to what you are doing?"

[Obama] "Wargaming the various strategies for the War on Terror overseas contingency operations that deal with man-caused disasters."

[Rahm] "Excellent, m'lord. The people will be glad to know you are hard at work. What are you finding?"

[Obama, getting testy] "What I'm fiiiiinding, is that it is really stinkin' hard to come up with a policy that doesn't tick people off. I'm getting tired of so many people being upset at me all the time. I want to be universally adored like I was a year or so ago. I have to, repeat, HAVE TO find a course of action that solves this dilemma while making me look good to everybody."

[Obama] "Oooh! I have an idea!" [Rearranges toy troops and rolls dice] "Dang! That won't work either! If I try that, my Elvish Paladin fails his saving throw and gets shot in the face by a taliban tribesman, losing 10 Approval Points off the daily tracking poll. Not good..."

[Biden, entering] "Hey guys!"

[Rahm grits teeth]

[Biden, jovially] "So, President 'Present!' have you finished dithering around on this decision yet?"

[Obama] "Joe, I don't appreciate your casual attitude about this. This is serious. We're talking about my credibility, here."

[Biden] "And a lot of troops' lives"

[Obama] "Well, that too, I suppose. So, either offer something constructive or go away to a fundraiser or something."

[Biden] "OK, your advisors are making it harder than it needs to be by offering too many options. There really are only four:
1. Pull troops out. This will win you favor with the peacenik left and with muslims in general. At least until the muslims feel like attacking us again. But that's another topic all together.
2. Pour more troops in. This will win you favor with the right and maybe you'll even get bin Laden. Imagine the accolades you'd get for that! And then you can give him a fair trial and let him off on a technicality.
3. Lastly, you could do a George Bush and 'stay the course.' "

[Obama] "Do not speak the words of The Boooosh in my presence!!"

[Biden] "Sorry sir, but by doing nothing for 70-odd days now, that's pretty much what you're doing. You're sticking to a course that obviously isn't working very well, with no clear mission. You're staying the course. You're pulling a dubya right here in front of everybody.

[Obama, lip quivering in shock, hands trembling] "Uh, uh, uh...I..I've... become my own worst nightmare!"

Obama breaks down sobbing.

[Rahm, trying to be comforting] "Sire, I've arranged for a week-long trip to Asia. There you can apologize to literally billions of people whom we haven't apologized to yet."

[Obama, with hopeful tone] "Really?"

[Rahm] "Yes, sire! Japan, China, Singapore, S. Korea and some others. Maybe you can even apologize to the Japanese for us beating the crap out of them for no good reason back in the '40s!"

[Obama] "Yes! Yes! Yes! I love it! I feel better already! Afghanistan decisions can wait!"