----
Oh, you said "FLAG DAY", like with an "L" in it. Ooops!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Happy Flag Day Repost
Here's a little re-post for ya. You can look at the comment you left last year and see if you've gotten any smarterer.
----
Oh, you said "FLAG DAY", like with an "L" in it. Ooops!
----
Oh, you said "FLAG DAY", like with an "L" in it. Ooops!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Not enough angry
It occurs to me that the previous post did not meet the minimum RDA of anger. I don't want you all to become deficient, but I find myself in the (unfamiliar) position of not being very pissy about anything at the moment. Not sure what I'll do about it.
Wait a sec...
The radio...
They're playing Sympathy for the Devil. Man, I hate that song. Never been much of a Stones guy. Paint it Black is OK, I guess. But Sympathy is just horrid. Even worse than all their other horrid junk. Stupid subject matter, stupid "whoo whoo." It's over. Finally.
Aw, great. Here it comes... Just about every commercial break there's an ad for a regional hotel chain. "Free Continental Breakfast at most locations." You know what a freakin' Continental Breakfast is, right? A room-temperature croissant and a cup of coffee. Maybe a grape on the side. Yay. Am I supposed to get all fired up about that? I assume they're talking about Continental as in Europe and not Continental as in the big gas-hoggin' American car. 'Cuz this so-called "breakfast" is more like a Geo Metro Breakfast. They gotta be talking about Europe. Now I'm good'n ticked. They're boasting that they offer the same grub that some Belgian guy named Patrice eats in the morning. Ya know what, Patrice? Guys that go to Denny's and eat a Lumberjack Slam don't get punked by the Prussians twice every century, that's what!
But there ain't even a Denny's in my stupid town. No Wal-Mart, either. Yes, I gotta drive far out of my way just to enjoy the finer things in life like a Lumberjack Slam and a $19 DVD player that'll fail in a month. If I stay in town, my only choice is Shari's with that ridiculous octagonal building and overpriced pies. Did you know they trademarked that shape? Yep, if you try to open an octagonal restaurant, you'll get the visit from their attorneys. But, but, I got this GREAT deal on 45o pipe fittings! What am I going to do with all these 45o pipe fittings in a normal rectangular building? Sorry, champ. Screw two together and make a 90o and shut up. 54,000 people in this town and no Denny's and no Wal-Mart. But we have TWO organic food co-ops. As Mick Jagger might say "whoo!" And we have a Market of Choice which is basically a co-op with cleaner floors and better lighting. Double "whoo!" Of course, I could go to Elmer's but the food isn't so great and they aren't very friendly. It says "breakfast served anytime" so I tried that old Steven Wright joke on them "OK, I'll have pancakes during the French Revolution." Not even a glimmer of a smile from the ornery old waitress, so I ain't going back there ever again. What's a hungry redneck supposed to do?
I dunno either. But just talking about it all has got my blood pressure back to well into the triple digits and my scowl is coming back. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.
Wait a sec...
The radio...
They're playing Sympathy for the Devil. Man, I hate that song. Never been much of a Stones guy. Paint it Black is OK, I guess. But Sympathy is just horrid. Even worse than all their other horrid junk. Stupid subject matter, stupid "whoo whoo." It's over. Finally.
Aw, great. Here it comes... Just about every commercial break there's an ad for a regional hotel chain. "Free Continental Breakfast at most locations." You know what a freakin' Continental Breakfast is, right? A room-temperature croissant and a cup of coffee. Maybe a grape on the side. Yay. Am I supposed to get all fired up about that? I assume they're talking about Continental as in Europe and not Continental as in the big gas-hoggin' American car. 'Cuz this so-called "breakfast" is more like a Geo Metro Breakfast. They gotta be talking about Europe. Now I'm good'n ticked. They're boasting that they offer the same grub that some Belgian guy named Patrice eats in the morning. Ya know what, Patrice? Guys that go to Denny's and eat a Lumberjack Slam don't get punked by the Prussians twice every century, that's what!
But there ain't even a Denny's in my stupid town. No Wal-Mart, either. Yes, I gotta drive far out of my way just to enjoy the finer things in life like a Lumberjack Slam and a $19 DVD player that'll fail in a month. If I stay in town, my only choice is Shari's with that ridiculous octagonal building and overpriced pies. Did you know they trademarked that shape? Yep, if you try to open an octagonal restaurant, you'll get the visit from their attorneys. But, but, I got this GREAT deal on 45o pipe fittings! What am I going to do with all these 45o pipe fittings in a normal rectangular building? Sorry, champ. Screw two together and make a 90o and shut up. 54,000 people in this town and no Denny's and no Wal-Mart. But we have TWO organic food co-ops. As Mick Jagger might say "whoo!" And we have a Market of Choice which is basically a co-op with cleaner floors and better lighting. Double "whoo!" Of course, I could go to Elmer's but the food isn't so great and they aren't very friendly. It says "breakfast served anytime" so I tried that old Steven Wright joke on them "OK, I'll have pancakes during the French Revolution." Not even a glimmer of a smile from the ornery old waitress, so I ain't going back there ever again. What's a hungry redneck supposed to do?
I dunno either. But just talking about it all has got my blood pressure back to well into the triple digits and my scowl is coming back. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.
Not gon' do it
 | |
| Portrait of Congressweasel from New York | who will not be mentioned by name. |
Instead, I will ask about Governor Hairstyle from Texas. Seems that he's chased Newt out of the race. That alone makes him worthy of consideration if he chooses to run. But I don't know much about him. I've heard he charts kind of a squiggly path with regard to illegal immigration. Is this verdad? I don't ask for much in a candidate. All I want is someone who will kidney-punch all the illegals and suck every last dirty drop of oil out of Mother Earth. (hey, we owe her that much), while balancing the budget.
OK, I exaggerate a little. All I really want is somebody besides Obama. There's an itchy scab on the top of my head from when I was crawling around in the church attic the other day - the little spinny thing on the fire sprinkler decided to grab a wad of my hair as I was passing under it - I'm saying I'd vote for that scab before I'd vote for Obama. I'd even vote for that stupid little spinny thing, despite the intense loathing I have for it. But we can do better, can't we?
Most of us have been waiting for somebody else to step in. Somebody who is not a RiNO but has some experience and some electability. Somebody we could really get jazzed about. Is Governor Perry that guy?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wooo! Freebie blog content
Got this in my inbox. I could see Palin (or somebody like her) doing this on the campaign trail...
--------------------------------------
(Scene: Sarah Palin on a dais.)
(Behind her are large posters of Wiener pics, the most published--underpants, chest and with a cat--prominent. Less known pics fill the background.)
(Sarah begins her talk with the words,)
"Democrats will tell you anything to get elected. This is the essence of the word, 'demagoguery.' Whenever the Left talks about a woman's right to choose, we are told that abortion is not murder. Nothing about the choices women face. Nothing about a baby's life. Whenever the Left tells us that we need to spend more taxpayer money in order to save jobs, we are told government expenditures are an investment. Not that they are a drag on job creation. Not that it takes money from businesses that are struggling to survive. Whenever the Left talks about the importance of sustainability, we ignore the fact that every 'sustainable' idea is unprofitable. And that profitable ideas sustain us. That is, taxes come from profitable enterprises, not 'sustainable' enterprises.
"Anthony Wiener is a poster boy of the Left. For twelve years, Anthony Wiener has told you that America's values are bad for you. Independence, liberty and freedom, personal responsibility, honor and integrity are values to be ridiculed, since only the values of the Democrat Party are to be adopted and practiced.
"And here we are today, with an admitted liar, listening to the Left defend and failure to decry Anthony Wiener's lack of personal responsibility, or sense of shame.
"Did Anthony Wiener violate his Oath of Office?
"The Oath is as follows:
"'I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.'
"I ask you today, did Representative Wiener well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which he had entered?
"Has America become so distanced from the values of liberty, truth and personal responsibility that the lies that we have heard from a sitting U.S. Congressman are no longer either relevant, or important?
"At what point do we need to admit, that Representative Wiener's first response to his current problem was simple. To lie to his constituency and to the American people?
"The Republican Party recognizes the painful path ahead. The idea that America deserves Universal Health Care, that Americans demand Universal Health Care will, at some point be seen as an idea more suited for European social states. Decades of legislation that has depended upon the relationship between a corrupt political tradition of unprincipled legislators and special interest lobbyists have ensconced entire industries that exist solely for the purpose of furthering industries and unions that live like parasites within the body politic.
"In America, the highest value is, and always has been, placed upon individual liberty and economic freedom, and yet we have codified the existence of industries and unions that do nothing more for the health and success of our country than do the parasites that invade any body. And the more successful the parasite, the longer it can exist without being discovered. The risk to Liberty has been the promise of the Plantation; the promise that if we rely upon our government to take care of us we will be better people, where all of our concerns are dealt with by caretakers who cater to our needs, from diet, to work, to how many children we are to have, and how to raise our children. 'Innovation' has become a buzzword of the Progressives who are attempting to direct our state's and national economies with promises of 'New Technologies' that are neither profitable, nor desirous. These Overseers will make sure that we are productive citizens that contribute in sustainable ways to the future of our nation. That our children will be better children. That our future will be Green and Carbon Neutral.
"However, Free Men don't live on Plantations. And talking honestly about the practices of former Presidents, and former Legislators, that promised more than we could afford, is going to happen.
"What Representative Wiener represents is a recognition that the time has come for us to begin to talk honestly about the problems that we, as a Nation, are facing.
"When Representative Wiener recognized that his actions had put him in a place where his reputation was jeopardized, what was his initial reaction?
"To lie.
"To lie to the Press, to lie to his Constituency, and to lie to the American People.
"When Representative Paul Ryan advanced his plan to fix Medicare and Medicaid, what was the response of the Democrat Party and its leadership?
"The answer is simple.
"They lied.
"Medicaid and Medicare is being cut. That's true. And the cuts are being contained in the Democrat's best effort at attempting to continue their lies. It's called 'ObamaCare.'
"Under ObamaCare, budgets for Medicaid have already been cut by $500-billion dollars.
"In an economy of 14-trillion dollars, which includes all and every economic activity in this great nation of ours, Medicare cuts, alone represents a cut of two-point-eight percent of our total economy. That's every manufacturing job, every machinist's job, every autoworker's job, every software designer's job, every home builder's job, and all the jobs in America that adds to our national wealth. A great and diverse economic miracle, the United States is the most creative, productive nation on the face of the Earth, in the history of all Mankind. Isn't it interesting that the trillions of dollars in additional government spending, for subsidies for fuel made from corn, to subsidies for windmills, for subsidies for trains going nowhere, that these promises are more valuable than the promises our country made in the past, to folks who worked and invested, planning on a certain level of truthfulness from our elected politicians? And relied upon their own independence?
"The object lesson of Representative Anthony Wiener is an important lesson; there are those in America who will raise fears, raise expectations, and more importantly lie in order for them to further their own, personal success.
"Tonight, Representative Wiener talked about his 'personal responsibility.' Do we continue to believe men that are proven, serial liars? A man that lied to all those around him, his Constituents, the American Public, journalists, his family and friends?
"The responsibility of every elected official in the United States is written in the Oath that all Representatives take when they are sworn into office.
"As a United States Representative, it is true that Congressman Wiener ridiculed those who disagreed with him. We hear the demagoguery of the past, from 'giving tax breaks to the rich,' to 'ignoring the plight of the poor.' As the problems we are facing, both from the sustained Obama depression, to mis-guided efforts to convince you that increased government spending is an investment, that throwing good money after bad, that the role of government is to ensure that you achieve social justice instead of equal opportunity, that all the issues that created the body of Representative Wiener's work were simple efforts to divide the Nation, between classes, between the haves and have-nots, between those who seek opportunity and those who seek to be taken care of, that there is a simple difference between America and the rest of the world, Congressman Wiener teaches us a simple moment; what is the Truth?
"What is the Truth?
"And why is it that no media asks this question?
"America was built upon some fundamental ideas. Some fundamental beliefs. Some fundamental Truths.
"That 'All Men are Created equal.'
"Not that we need government to adopt policies and regulations that attempt equality.
"We start equal. In America, we are equal. Rich and poor, alike. No matter the color of your skin. No matter your Faith, or lack of Faith. Adopting the promises of those advanced by Progressives like Anthony Wiener aren't protections of our Liberty. The are the building-blocks on the pathway to a Road to Serfdom. And I'm not willing to give up my liberty to accept the medical care, the dietary constraints, the innovations in our country's economy that are deemed acceptable and prescribed by our nation's elite.
"No nation on the face of the Earth has been successful married to the ideas of Progressivism, Socialism, or Communism.
"But, America, dedicated to honesty, to social and economic freedom and liberty has created the Greatest Nation in the History of the World.
"This is not the time to adopt the social tendencies of the Old World. This is not the time for us to consider Kings and Queens. This is not the time to look to a Central Planner or Government Agency to find out what we should do.
"To fix America is simple.
"Simply allow Americans to do what Americans have always done: to innovate, to create, to build, to invest, to dream.
"Now is the time to decide, whether to accept the leadership of a Congressman Wiener, or to do what America does best.
"Now is the time to create jobs, to build factories, to drill for oil, to search for our natural resources, to build mines and wells, to harvest trees and actually invest in those things that are profitable; sustainable jobs that are profitable. Sustainable, since they are financed through private capital and private resources, rather than through escalating taxes and increasing regulation.
"Now is the time to build America. Not on the lies of whatever it takes to keep ones job in the Congress. Given that some areas of the country will never again accept the truths of America's past, it's history and greatness, but instead ignore the values of the simple freedoms and liberties that we have all been promised by our founding document and our Founding Fathers and our Constitution. The constituents of Congressman Wiener may end allowing him to retire from Congress at an old age. But one or two, or more Congressional Districts are not representative of what America is, nor, for which it stands.
"It is time for us to defend America. Not just our borders, but our beliefs. That we are different from the rest of the world. That freedom and liberty aren't just archaic ideas. But practiced, every day. By Americans.
"I am here, at a time when the media would wish I would just go away. Just as there are those who wished that the ideas I believe in would just go away.
"Congressman Wiener wishes I would go away. He wishes to promise this country that his vision of America is the only possible vision. That we must rely upon our government to choose the best paths for us to follow, from investments to jobs to what is, or is not, acceptable public and private behavior. The only problem is, when called upon to do the right thing, the honorable thing, he faltered.
"Congressman Wiener's entire education, experience, public and private life told him that at the moment of crisis, he had to lie.
"Americans must decide; to adopt the policies and practices of Congressman Wiener, or to re-affirm the policies and practices we've been taught since we were children, American Values, like Truth, Justice, Liberty and Freedom.
"Tears and weakness will not do. Today is a day of choice. Will we be Americans? Or will we be Wieners?"
--------------------------------------
(Scene: Sarah Palin on a dais.)
(Behind her are large posters of Wiener pics, the most published--underpants, chest and with a cat--prominent. Less known pics fill the background.)
(Sarah begins her talk with the words,)
"Democrats will tell you anything to get elected. This is the essence of the word, 'demagoguery.' Whenever the Left talks about a woman's right to choose, we are told that abortion is not murder. Nothing about the choices women face. Nothing about a baby's life. Whenever the Left tells us that we need to spend more taxpayer money in order to save jobs, we are told government expenditures are an investment. Not that they are a drag on job creation. Not that it takes money from businesses that are struggling to survive. Whenever the Left talks about the importance of sustainability, we ignore the fact that every 'sustainable' idea is unprofitable. And that profitable ideas sustain us. That is, taxes come from profitable enterprises, not 'sustainable' enterprises.
"Anthony Wiener is a poster boy of the Left. For twelve years, Anthony Wiener has told you that America's values are bad for you. Independence, liberty and freedom, personal responsibility, honor and integrity are values to be ridiculed, since only the values of the Democrat Party are to be adopted and practiced.
"And here we are today, with an admitted liar, listening to the Left defend and failure to decry Anthony Wiener's lack of personal responsibility, or sense of shame.
"Did Anthony Wiener violate his Oath of Office?
"The Oath is as follows:
"'I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.'
"I ask you today, did Representative Wiener well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which he had entered?
"Has America become so distanced from the values of liberty, truth and personal responsibility that the lies that we have heard from a sitting U.S. Congressman are no longer either relevant, or important?
"At what point do we need to admit, that Representative Wiener's first response to his current problem was simple. To lie to his constituency and to the American people?
"The Republican Party recognizes the painful path ahead. The idea that America deserves Universal Health Care, that Americans demand Universal Health Care will, at some point be seen as an idea more suited for European social states. Decades of legislation that has depended upon the relationship between a corrupt political tradition of unprincipled legislators and special interest lobbyists have ensconced entire industries that exist solely for the purpose of furthering industries and unions that live like parasites within the body politic.
"In America, the highest value is, and always has been, placed upon individual liberty and economic freedom, and yet we have codified the existence of industries and unions that do nothing more for the health and success of our country than do the parasites that invade any body. And the more successful the parasite, the longer it can exist without being discovered. The risk to Liberty has been the promise of the Plantation; the promise that if we rely upon our government to take care of us we will be better people, where all of our concerns are dealt with by caretakers who cater to our needs, from diet, to work, to how many children we are to have, and how to raise our children. 'Innovation' has become a buzzword of the Progressives who are attempting to direct our state's and national economies with promises of 'New Technologies' that are neither profitable, nor desirous. These Overseers will make sure that we are productive citizens that contribute in sustainable ways to the future of our nation. That our children will be better children. That our future will be Green and Carbon Neutral.
"However, Free Men don't live on Plantations. And talking honestly about the practices of former Presidents, and former Legislators, that promised more than we could afford, is going to happen.
"What Representative Wiener represents is a recognition that the time has come for us to begin to talk honestly about the problems that we, as a Nation, are facing.
"When Representative Wiener recognized that his actions had put him in a place where his reputation was jeopardized, what was his initial reaction?
"To lie.
"To lie to the Press, to lie to his Constituency, and to lie to the American People.
"When Representative Paul Ryan advanced his plan to fix Medicare and Medicaid, what was the response of the Democrat Party and its leadership?
"The answer is simple.
"They lied.
"Medicaid and Medicare is being cut. That's true. And the cuts are being contained in the Democrat's best effort at attempting to continue their lies. It's called 'ObamaCare.'
"Under ObamaCare, budgets for Medicaid have already been cut by $500-billion dollars.
"In an economy of 14-trillion dollars, which includes all and every economic activity in this great nation of ours, Medicare cuts, alone represents a cut of two-point-eight percent of our total economy. That's every manufacturing job, every machinist's job, every autoworker's job, every software designer's job, every home builder's job, and all the jobs in America that adds to our national wealth. A great and diverse economic miracle, the United States is the most creative, productive nation on the face of the Earth, in the history of all Mankind. Isn't it interesting that the trillions of dollars in additional government spending, for subsidies for fuel made from corn, to subsidies for windmills, for subsidies for trains going nowhere, that these promises are more valuable than the promises our country made in the past, to folks who worked and invested, planning on a certain level of truthfulness from our elected politicians? And relied upon their own independence?
"The object lesson of Representative Anthony Wiener is an important lesson; there are those in America who will raise fears, raise expectations, and more importantly lie in order for them to further their own, personal success.
"Tonight, Representative Wiener talked about his 'personal responsibility.' Do we continue to believe men that are proven, serial liars? A man that lied to all those around him, his Constituents, the American Public, journalists, his family and friends?
"The responsibility of every elected official in the United States is written in the Oath that all Representatives take when they are sworn into office.
"As a United States Representative, it is true that Congressman Wiener ridiculed those who disagreed with him. We hear the demagoguery of the past, from 'giving tax breaks to the rich,' to 'ignoring the plight of the poor.' As the problems we are facing, both from the sustained Obama depression, to mis-guided efforts to convince you that increased government spending is an investment, that throwing good money after bad, that the role of government is to ensure that you achieve social justice instead of equal opportunity, that all the issues that created the body of Representative Wiener's work were simple efforts to divide the Nation, between classes, between the haves and have-nots, between those who seek opportunity and those who seek to be taken care of, that there is a simple difference between America and the rest of the world, Congressman Wiener teaches us a simple moment; what is the Truth?
"What is the Truth?
"And why is it that no media asks this question?
"America was built upon some fundamental ideas. Some fundamental beliefs. Some fundamental Truths.
"That 'All Men are Created equal.'
"Not that we need government to adopt policies and regulations that attempt equality.
"We start equal. In America, we are equal. Rich and poor, alike. No matter the color of your skin. No matter your Faith, or lack of Faith. Adopting the promises of those advanced by Progressives like Anthony Wiener aren't protections of our Liberty. The are the building-blocks on the pathway to a Road to Serfdom. And I'm not willing to give up my liberty to accept the medical care, the dietary constraints, the innovations in our country's economy that are deemed acceptable and prescribed by our nation's elite.
"No nation on the face of the Earth has been successful married to the ideas of Progressivism, Socialism, or Communism.
"But, America, dedicated to honesty, to social and economic freedom and liberty has created the Greatest Nation in the History of the World.
"This is not the time to adopt the social tendencies of the Old World. This is not the time for us to consider Kings and Queens. This is not the time to look to a Central Planner or Government Agency to find out what we should do.
"To fix America is simple.
"Simply allow Americans to do what Americans have always done: to innovate, to create, to build, to invest, to dream.
"Now is the time to decide, whether to accept the leadership of a Congressman Wiener, or to do what America does best.
"Now is the time to create jobs, to build factories, to drill for oil, to search for our natural resources, to build mines and wells, to harvest trees and actually invest in those things that are profitable; sustainable jobs that are profitable. Sustainable, since they are financed through private capital and private resources, rather than through escalating taxes and increasing regulation.
"Now is the time to build America. Not on the lies of whatever it takes to keep ones job in the Congress. Given that some areas of the country will never again accept the truths of America's past, it's history and greatness, but instead ignore the values of the simple freedoms and liberties that we have all been promised by our founding document and our Founding Fathers and our Constitution. The constituents of Congressman Wiener may end allowing him to retire from Congress at an old age. But one or two, or more Congressional Districts are not representative of what America is, nor, for which it stands.
"It is time for us to defend America. Not just our borders, but our beliefs. That we are different from the rest of the world. That freedom and liberty aren't just archaic ideas. But practiced, every day. By Americans.
"I am here, at a time when the media would wish I would just go away. Just as there are those who wished that the ideas I believe in would just go away.
"Congressman Wiener wishes I would go away. He wishes to promise this country that his vision of America is the only possible vision. That we must rely upon our government to choose the best paths for us to follow, from investments to jobs to what is, or is not, acceptable public and private behavior. The only problem is, when called upon to do the right thing, the honorable thing, he faltered.
"Congressman Wiener's entire education, experience, public and private life told him that at the moment of crisis, he had to lie.
"Americans must decide; to adopt the policies and practices of Congressman Wiener, or to re-affirm the policies and practices we've been taught since we were children, American Values, like Truth, Justice, Liberty and Freedom.
"Tears and weakness will not do. Today is a day of choice. Will we be Americans? Or will we be Wieners?"
Monday, June 6, 2011
Pokin' my head out of the bunker
I spent a goodly bit of the weekend crawling around in the rafters of the church, running some 'lectricity to the new bathrooms. Lights and fans and stuff. Trust me, it's important that those fans get a good supply of juice. I'm not an electrician, but I know enough to hook things up safely and not burn anything down. (So far). What I lack is the experience to just whip through it. And the cool tools. Having to do everything with just a screwdriver and my teeth really slowed me down. SO DID THE HEAT. It was really, really hot up there. I was sweating like crazy. Next thing ya know, the calf muscles are trying to cramp and the back is trying to spasm. Not good. I don't get back spasms often, but the couple of times they've happened I've been pretty much immobile. Crawling out of there and getting back down the ladder could have been really bad. Thankfully the cramps never advanced past the "annoying" stage. The freekin' fiberglass insulation, though, advanced WAY past the "annoying" stage. Nothing quite as fun as a sweaty wallowing in the fiberglass. Owens? Corning? Someday... Someday, I will bump into you guys in a dark alley. And y'alls better be wearing your cups! I'm not sure how much of that junk I inhaled, but my wife said that in the middle of the night I coughed up a jet-ski hull. It was so hard to breathe that my hands were trembling like Joe Biden's hair plugs when he's amped on Strawberry Quik and Rolos. Makes it hard to get the Phillipian bit on the screw shooter to line up with the heads on the drywall screws. Oh, yeah, then there was the "after all that work is done, realize that the light fixture spec'd by the architect won't fit where it was intended to go" thing. Farkin' architects! Question for the Pharisees and Sadducees: Is cussing under one's breath more of a sin when done in a church, or is it less so 'cuz it was done while sweating for the Kingdom?
----------------------------------------
Speaking of sin, I really shouldn't be joking about it. I'm increasingly convinced that the End is coming soon. I'm not going to throw out a date like that fool from a couple weeks ago. According to the actuarial tables, I'm about halfway through my earthly life. I'm just saying that I'll be surprised if I die of old age before Christ returns. That's about as specific as I can get. That said, come soon, Lord! At the rate I am acquiring new aches and pains, I'll be a hunched-up cane-using little Yoda type guy slightly grammar better with, by the time I am 50! Contorting around joists and insulation like the mythical RafterBoy doesn't help. I really need to just be kickin' it in a hammock. Doctor's orders or something.
----------------------------------------
Speaking of Rolos, the Very Famous Burger Chain I do mornings at has added a Rolo item to the shake menu. I overheard one of the little snotnoses there asking another "What the hellza Rolo?" and I replied "Are you even serious?" and he was. So I sang the little jingle. "You can roll a Rolo to your friend! They're chocolate-covered caramel from end to end!" Everybody within earshot looked at me like I was on crack. Kids these days! They can text, download an iTune, and play Call of Duty. All at the same time. But they don't have even the vaguest idea what a Rolo is. We are so doomed.
---------------------------------------
Speaking of so doomed, that's what Georgia, Creighton and Arkansas-Little Rock are. Because they had to play my Beavers in the NCAA Baseball Tournament. Wish college baseball got more attention and coverage. It is a really good flavor of baseball. Plus, it's like the only sport we're really good at. OK, I exaggerate. We're pretty good at football. Most years we end up ranked like #23 and go to a middling level bowl. We're always good at Wrestling and Gymnastics. For about 60 years we were really good at basketball but lately have sucked. But baseball... National Champs in '06 and '07. I pity the fool that gets between the Beavs and another National Championship.
---------------------------------------
Speaking of really good flavors, I'm talking about those assorted muffins my wife puts in my lunch. One day it's blueberry. Mmmm. The next day it's chocolate chip. Mmmm. Then it's poppyseed. Mmmm. Then it's, um, like compressed sawdust. NOT a really good flavor. Ack. Ever heard of Synesthesia? It's a condition where inputs from one of a person's senses affect what is received from the other senses. The typical case involves a person who sees colors while listening to music. Most people who have it like it and are glad for it. I think I may have a mild case, as my brain assigns sounds to things I see. Not literal, audible sounds, but rather like the "voice" of me reading silently. Does that make any sense? [No. Our readers already suspect we're schizo. This isn't helping. -ed.][Shut up, you're being delusional. Again. -ed.][Fine. Whatevs. -ed.] Like when a squirrel is bounding across the street, my "mind's ear" hears a little ba-doop-ba-doop sound. Really. At least until I swerve and turn him into pavement pepperoni. [Kidding!] And when I ate that HORRID muffin, my senses got crossed up again: That muffin TASTED exactly like a wicker basket SMELLS. Couldn't even swallow the first bite. I can only imagine what the fiber count in that beast was.
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Speaking of 'that beast', Michelle Obama's favorite soft drink is Sierra Pist.
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Speaking of fiber, I am reminded of a really funny bit of stand-up by the late Dennis Wolfberg. I'm sure it's in one of these links somewhere. When I get more time I'll try to find it.
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Speaking of funny white guys, I've noticed that their life expectancy ain't so hot. Dennis Wolfberg mentioned above. John Belushi. John Candy. Sam Kinison. Chris Farley. All the funny ones die way too young. S'pose that means that putz Bill Maher is pretty much immortal.
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Speaking of putzes, the Republicans are like foot fungus. Really wish they'd just go away. But they won't. They remain a lingering irritant. Democrats, however, are like a malignant tumor. A malignant tumor full of herpes viruses. A malignant tumor full of herpes viruses on fire. So, having to choose between a lingering irritant and a prolonged painful death, I've opted for the irritant. I am a Reluctant Republican. Keep in mind that "innominatus" essentially means "generic." When you see a poll that says "Obama getting whupped by Generic Repubican" you now know who they're talking about.
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Speaking of synesthesia, Tillamook makes EXCELLENT cheese. They also make VERY GOOD (but not quite excellent. Call it an A- ) ice cream. Their yogurt, however, is beyond nasty. It doesn't taste like fruit. It TASTES like air freshener SMELLS. Avoid it at all costs. You're welcome.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Air Traveler's Lament
This actually started out a long time ago as a comment I left at King Shamus' place. Finally got around to finishing it up. Some people had trouble with my audio-only attempts in the past, so I used YouTube again since it is pretty much universally supported.
I still can't sing and the editing has a few choppy spots but I hope you like it. The voice of the PA announcer and of the icky TSA guy are my wife! (So be nice!)
I still can't sing and the editing has a few choppy spots but I hope you like it. The voice of the PA announcer and of the icky TSA guy are my wife! (So be nice!)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Barry secret mission
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| Barely topical, recycled photo. You're welcome. |
[Obama] "But every time I retell the story, my numbers go down, down, down."
[Axelrod] "Well, it's because of all the I, I, me, I you put into it. And getting your backside bored .060" over by Netanyahu the other day didn't help. What we need is a surrogate to go out there and sing your praises and remind the world of your awesomeness. But without all the taint of you being the one saying it."
[Obama] "Gotcha" [into intercom] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you."
[Biden, entering] "Sir, yes sir!"
[Obama] "Joe, regarding the mission to kill Bin Laden..."
[Biden, interrupting] "Wait! Lemme guess! The CIA has figured out where Zwarahiri is, and you want me to lead SEAL Team 7 and take him out!" [Jumps up on chair, wielding imaginary machine gun and making gun noises] "Rat-a-tat-a-tat Oh, you want some? Ba-da-da-da-da Oh, you want some, too? Bam bam bam pow. You can't handle the truth! Boom!!"
[Obama] "Joe, there is no SEAL Team 7."
[Biden] "Oh yes there is! It's so secret that I'm the ONLY one who even knows about it! Ba-da-da-da-da-bang!"
[Obama] "JOE! Knock it off! Get a grip!"
[Biden] "Sorry, sir. I get a little bit excitable when I'm wearing my Star Fleet underoos. I feel like I can take on the whole galaxy!"
[Obama] "Joe? Seriously? Star Fleet underoos?"
[Biden] "Yep!"
[Obama] "Ha! Me too! I wear gold. 'Cuz it's a command color."
[Biden] "No way! I wear red. RED is the command color."
[Obama] "No, red is the color the anonymous nobodies wear."
[Biden] "NO! Red is Captain Picard's color!"
[Obama] "Picard? Pthbthbth. He never had to fight the Klingons. Heck, they were allies."
[Biden] "It was a delicate relationship! Lots of Smart Diplomacy going on behind the scenes, let me tell you! Those dorky Klingons that Kirk fought weren't even real. They were just humans with brown shoe polish on their faces, and fu-manchu mustaches."
[Obama, leaning out into the hallway] "Michelle? Why do Klingons always look different, depending on which Star Trek is on?"
[Michelle] "Babe, you know I'm forbidden to speak of it."
[Obama] "Oh yeah. Sorry."
[Biden] "Tholian Web? Tribbles? Ooooh, scary! Kirk never had to deal with Q or with the Borg. Kirk never had to face half the challenges Picard did!"
[Obama] "Yeah? Tell ya what would have happened... Kirk would have strolled right into the Borg Collective. He would walk right up to the Queen and tell her 'Set phasers to love. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!' and she'd be all like 'ravage me!' and then he'd like totally bed that bossy Borg babe and like totally blow her mind and that whole subspace thought-control network of hers would crash and there would be Peace in Our Time. Then Kirk would say 'I have to go rescue some trapped miners on Rigel-7. Gotta go, toots.' and she'd be like 'please, stay with me!' "
[Biden] "OK. You got me there. I could totally see that happening. Picard would have just blabbered on in his logbook about the moral dilemmas of having to boink an evil chick that was half robot in order to save the Federation. Heh. I imagine the Borg Queen would be like "Kirk! Please come back! I promise to stop assimilating alien races, if you can just make me feel like that again!"
[Obama] *snorting LOL* "Hee. Then Barney Frank would chime in: 'Assimilating? I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound so tewwible to me'."
[Biden, laughing uproariously] "Bwa-haa-ha-Barney bwaa-haa-ha-or bwee-hee-hee-that hah-hee-hah-Larry har-har-Sinclair guy."
Obama's face goes instantly sour. He makes silent eye contact with a Secret Service agent who nods knowingly. The agent approaches Biden from behind and fires his taser. The barbs embed deeply in the veep's scalp, placed perfectly to maximize the disabling energy passing through the target's brain...
[Biden] "Bwaa-haa-haa-hee-hee-ouch-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa!"
The agent presses the zap button repeatedly.
[Biden] "Bwaa-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa!"
[Agent] "Sorry sir. He seems unaffected by it."
[Obama] "Alright. Just give him a second to laugh himself out."
Biden continues laughing at his joke. Eventually his spastic laughter leaves him unable to breathe normally and he passes out.
[Axelrod] "Umm... Yeah. Bams, maybe we should consider sending out somebody else to remind the world of your awesomeness."
Friday, May 20, 2011
Blogger's Block: CURED!
Can't think of anything to blog about? I HAVE DEVELOPED THE CURE! Never again will I be too busy/harried/tired/lazy/indifferent to come up with an idea, and if you follow my easy 2-step program, neither will you!
Step 1: Look at the first comment in your previous post. Use their comment as a starting point for your next post. Voila! Instant content! See how easy this is? However, if your blog is brand new and you're already writer's-blocked on your first post with no previous post to refer to, then you stink. Do not try to access the previous post. You'll get a division by zero error and the internet will crash.
Step 2: This is the most important step. **DO NOT LET MANHATTAN INFIDEL BE FIRSTIES ON ANY OF YOUR POSTS** Just trust me on this.
So, let's see how this works!
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Yesterday, Bob, who (not surprisingly) blogs at Bob's Blog wrote:
But.
Bob used the indefinite article "an" instead of "a" which suggests he elides the "h" at the beginning of words. Like some bloody east-end limey. " 'ave a look at that, mate! That bloke done bumped is 'ead on a crumpet! " I was pretty sure Bob isn't a bloody east-end limey, but now my suspicions are roused. If any of you are bloody east-end limeys, remember that you are reading a Patriotic American's blog and we don't put up with that kind of junk around here. And what's up with "theatre"? When rednecks like me read that, we always mispronounce it as "thee a tree" and end up looking dumb, so knock it off. When some lispy Barney Frank type says it, it ends up sounding like his lispy version of "see a tree" as in "wook over dere! I think I thee a tree wiff a wittle birdie netht in it!" I'm sure we're all in agreement on this is something we all want to avoid, so use proper American English instead of that loopy English English, OK?
----------------------------------------------------------
See how great this works? Just follow these two easy steps and you, too, will have an endless supply of top-notch content! You'll have readers fighting for the opportunity to read your blog!
Step 1: Look at the first comment in your previous post. Use their comment as a starting point for your next post. Voila! Instant content! See how easy this is? However, if your blog is brand new and you're already writer's-blocked on your first post with no previous post to refer to, then you stink. Do not try to access the previous post. You'll get a division by zero error and the internet will crash.
Step 2: This is the most important step. **DO NOT LET MANHATTAN INFIDEL BE FIRSTIES ON ANY OF YOUR POSTS** Just trust me on this.
So, let's see how this works!
---------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday, Bob, who (not surprisingly) blogs at Bob's Blog wrote:
Finally, an historian who accurately writes about history!Quality comment. Complimentary of the blog author. Also has some sarcasm directed at the pointy-headed types. A lot to like there.
But.
Bob used the indefinite article "an" instead of "a" which suggests he elides the "h" at the beginning of words. Like some bloody east-end limey. " 'ave a look at that, mate! That bloke done bumped is 'ead on a crumpet! " I was pretty sure Bob isn't a bloody east-end limey, but now my suspicions are roused. If any of you are bloody east-end limeys, remember that you are reading a Patriotic American's blog and we don't put up with that kind of junk around here. And what's up with "theatre"? When rednecks like me read that, we always mispronounce it as "thee a tree" and end up looking dumb, so knock it off. When some lispy Barney Frank type says it, it ends up sounding like his lispy version of "see a tree" as in "wook over dere! I think I thee a tree wiff a wittle birdie netht in it!" I'm sure we're all in agreement on this is something we all want to avoid, so use proper American English instead of that loopy English English, OK?
----------------------------------------------------------
See how great this works? Just follow these two easy steps and you, too, will have an endless supply of top-notch content! You'll have readers fighting for the opportunity to read your blog!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Field Guide to Hippie Identification
In the beginning, there were Beatniks. These were artsy-fartsy people who hung out in coffee shops and listened to acoustic Bob Dylan songs. Remember, this was way back in the beginning - before all the coffee shops had free WiFi. Heck, there wasn't even an internet then. There was ARPAnet, but you had to either be a VAX/VMS geek or Al Gore to even connect. But I digress. Sorry... The Beatniks would have spent their time looking at bizarre porno on their laptops off the free WiFi, if it had existed. But it didn't, so they sat around and wrote a lot of bad poetry. So it was for decades. Then there were some among the Beatniks who said "this is great, but it would be even better if we bathed less often!" Not all of the Beatniks were on board with this, though, so a schism formed. There was conflict and contentiousness. Soon, the peace-loving less-bathing group split off from the rest of the beatniks.
These were the protohippies. Forced from their native habitat, they began a westward migration towards places like Berkeley, Taos, and Eugene. As they settled in this new bountiful region, the favorable conditions allowed them to indulge in liberating behaviors like humping in the park while their friend tapped out the Morse Code for "got any weed?" on a bongo. Some particularly successful bands of hippies even had a guy named Ravi playing a sitar while they humped in the park. By now the protohippies had evolved into full-blown hippies. Gone were the berets and trenchcoats, which had been replaced by patchwork skirts and tangled hair.
About that time, LBJ said they had to go to Vietnam and shoot Charlie. The hippies, being peace lovers, were not cool with this at all. They had recently discovered fire, and they put this new discovery to use in the burning of draft cards. And bras. All was well for the hippies, and their population surged. Some remained rooted in their territories, while others chose a more nomadic existence following the Grateful Dead around in multicolor buses. Thus they gained sway over more and more territory.
When it appeared that they might be unstoppable, there was a concert at Altamont. The Hells Angels biker club had been hired to perform "security" at the event. Despite outward appearances, the Hells Angels might well be considered anti-hippie. There was a disturbance, and the hippies' fatal weakness - namely, pacifism - was exploited to the fullest and many a mangy hippie was beaten with a tire iron by a liquored-up Angel. This proved a turning point in the hippie history, as things were never quite as rosy afterwards. Some took up new identities, wearing saffron robes and giving out plastic flowers at the airport. Some actually cut their hair and got jobs. The remaining fled to communes where they survived on organic produce and LSD.
During the '80s, things got even worse for the hippies. There was a movement towards consumerism marked by things like improved grooming, stylish clothes and the Sharper Image Catalog. Yuppies, preppies and other -ppies arose and usurped the place once held by the hippies. Unfortunately this pendulum swing went too far in the opposite direction and Miami Vice was the result. Most of the hippies were now extinct - a mere remnant of them remained. Some came out of hiding having morphed into a meaner and more aggressive sub-species which would later come to be known as "neo-hippies." These were a distinct group from the earlier group, who would thereafter be known as "classical hippies."
The classical hippies clung to their live-and-let-live lifestyle and infrequent bathing. Examples of this breed include Jerry Garcia, Tommy Chong and Willie Nelson. The more assertive neo-hippies went on to take positions in the media and academe. Some neo-hippies even ran for government office - a complete refudiation of the classical hippie mantra against The Man.
Which brings us to the present day. It may at times be difficult to classify a hippie that one might encounter. The best way is to tell the hippie "Why doncha get a haircut, you maggot-infested lump of human debris! And maybe get a job while you're at it!"
If the hippie says, in a Tommy Chong accent, "Hey man, conflict is not the answer, man!" then the hippie is a classical hippie. Take advantage of the classical hippie's pacifist tendencies and kick him at will. Or, if he doesn't smell too bad, invite him to your next party. Sometimes hippies are fun to party with. This is a decision that should be made on a case-by-case basis.
If the hippie gets all indignant and tries to run you over in his Prius, then he is a neo-hippie. While the Prius is unlikely to do any lasting harm, be aware that the neo-hippie can be quite vicious. He may try to take out a hydroelectic dam to save the salmon, or may make your incandescent light bulbs illegal. If you choose to kick this hippie, be aware that he either is a lawyer or married to a lawyer and you may face some kind of civil penalty. But because of neo-hippie policies we are all broke and thus pretty much lawsuit-proof. It is unlikely that the judgment against you will ever be collected because you are penniless. Again, the decision to kick this breed of hippie should me made on a case-by-case basis on whether you have any assets that could be seized by some lefty judge. Even if you do, you may find the satisfaction from kicking the hippie to be worth the expense. I certainly do.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Curses! Foiled again!
Six, who blogs at The Warrior Class, sprayed a little common sense on yesterday's Big Brother Is Watching My Dog post. I'd like to think that I'm soooo important that the authorities data-mined their secret database of secret stuff to figure it all out, but they probably just asked my neighbors. Kind of a disappointment. Maybe someday I'll be subversive enough to merit more than just an occasional traffic ticket, but I guess I ain't there yet. A man has to have goals, ya know.
On the bright side, this means they're probably not onto my secret identity as a nocturnal crime-fighting hippie-kicking caped superhero...
**UPDATE**
There's some confusion brewing in the comments. Ahem, let me be clear. I AM NOT SPIDERMAN. Nor am I Aquaman and never will I be. For one, I'm straight. Secondly, I have crappy form when I swim so I get tired pretty fast and lobsters never do what I tell them. So screw them and all the other undersea critters. I am innominatus, the generic superhero. This grotesque semihuman abomination pictured above is my nemesis. 'Cuz every superhero needs a nemesis as Frank J. made so clear yesterday.
I hope we're all clear on this now.
On the bright side, this means they're probably not onto my secret identity as a nocturnal crime-fighting hippie-kicking caped superhero...
 | ||
| Your neatly combed hair and spiderman suit don't fool me, hippie. I'm still comin' after you! |
**UPDATE**
There's some confusion brewing in the comments. Ahem, let me be clear. I AM NOT SPIDERMAN. Nor am I Aquaman and never will I be. For one, I'm straight. Secondly, I have crappy form when I swim so I get tired pretty fast and lobsters never do what I tell them. So screw them and all the other undersea critters. I am innominatus, the generic superhero. This grotesque semihuman abomination pictured above is my nemesis. 'Cuz every superhero needs a nemesis as Frank J. made so clear yesterday.
I hope we're all clear on this now.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Cool or scary??
Yesterday was a busy day. Evening church service was canceled because we had a bunch of cleaning and re-arranging to do before some contractors show up today for the next phase of our project. So I was at the church helping out. When I got home, I found a note on the front door say "Your dog was out loose and terrorizing people. I got him back into your backyard and closed the gate." There was a name and phone number on the note, so my wife called and thanked the helpful lady who did this for us. The lady backpedaled a little on the "terrorizing" and said it was more like "running up to everybody passing by, acting protective of the property." She said "I just forcefully told him to get back there and pointed at the gate, and he went right in and I closed it behind him." Anyway, I'm thankful she took the time to do that for us. And I don't know if Chance was really being aggressive or just curious. He's SUPER gentle when we're around, but I don't know how he acts when we aren't around, because, well, we're not around! Anyway, I bungee corded and twined the gate closed. I'm not sure how he got it open to begin with, but it should be extra secure now.
So when I get to work this morning the boss says "How was the weekend? Dog on the loose, huh?" Evidently the local police called my boss to see if he knew how to contact me. He was in the middle of singing "Happy Birthday" so he didn't answer the first time they called. They then called HIS DAUGHTER! Who lives in another county about an hour away. I only see her once or twice a month. Heck, since she got married a year or so ago, I don't even know her last name! Yet the police were able to find her and call her on her cell! She had no idea how to get a hold of me, so they called the boss back a second time. He answered and said "It's Sunday, so he's probably at church" and gave them my home #. Dunno if they called, as there was no message.
HEADS - It is really cool that the local police went to so much effort to find me and let me know what's going on. And (so far, at least) no citation or anything. Had my boss not mentioned this, I'd have never known that the police were ever involved. They just used their resources to try to solve a problem I didn't yet know I had.
TAILS - How did the police even know where I work? And how to contact my boss and my boss' daughter? I can see (maybe) how they could check the dog's tags and figure out who I am, then check some kind of tax record to see where I'm employed, then check some kind of record to see who owns the place where I'm employed, and then, and then... I'm thinking of that line from the first Terminator movie: "I have detailed files." This is spookin' me a little!
Maybe the dog license form asks for all this kind of info. Dunno. My wife fills them out and sends them in. I'll ask her when we both get home from work. But in the meantime, I am simultaneously glad that someone was willing to make sure the pooch was OK, and also feeling like Big Brother is watching VERY closely!
I know at least two of my readers are in law enforcement. Can either of you offer any insights?
So when I get to work this morning the boss says "How was the weekend? Dog on the loose, huh?" Evidently the local police called my boss to see if he knew how to contact me. He was in the middle of singing "Happy Birthday" so he didn't answer the first time they called. They then called HIS DAUGHTER! Who lives in another county about an hour away. I only see her once or twice a month. Heck, since she got married a year or so ago, I don't even know her last name! Yet the police were able to find her and call her on her cell! She had no idea how to get a hold of me, so they called the boss back a second time. He answered and said "It's Sunday, so he's probably at church" and gave them my home #. Dunno if they called, as there was no message.
HEADS - It is really cool that the local police went to so much effort to find me and let me know what's going on. And (so far, at least) no citation or anything. Had my boss not mentioned this, I'd have never known that the police were ever involved. They just used their resources to try to solve a problem I didn't yet know I had.
TAILS - How did the police even know where I work? And how to contact my boss and my boss' daughter? I can see (maybe) how they could check the dog's tags and figure out who I am, then check some kind of tax record to see where I'm employed, then check some kind of record to see who owns the place where I'm employed, and then, and then... I'm thinking of that line from the first Terminator movie: "I have detailed files." This is spookin' me a little!
Maybe the dog license form asks for all this kind of info. Dunno. My wife fills them out and sends them in. I'll ask her when we both get home from work. But in the meantime, I am simultaneously glad that someone was willing to make sure the pooch was OK, and also feeling like Big Brother is watching VERY closely!
I know at least two of my readers are in law enforcement. Can either of you offer any insights?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Blogger back to normal?
No, not blogger as in "author" but Blogger as in the googlesoft that has been down a lot lately. Last night I came up with the PERFECT strategy to ruin any democrat election chances AND simultaneously cause all R's to cut taxes, balance the budget, bomb our enemies, seal the border, and still have money left for free guns for everybody.
So when I went to post on this breakthrough idea, Blogger said "Umm, sorry, we're in read-only mode for some 'maintenance' for a while."
And now I can't remember what my plan was. Dang.
So when I went to post on this breakthrough idea, Blogger said "Umm, sorry, we're in read-only mode for some 'maintenance' for a while."
And now I can't remember what my plan was. Dang.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Presidential numerology
So there are some dingalings out there predicting the End of the World on May 21. Even though Jesus himself said nobody would know the day or the hour. Guess that means these people are smarter than Jesus or something. And they used numerology to figure it out. Which, like astrology, divination, witchcraft, etc, is a sin. So I'm not exactly freaked out about their predictions. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if God pulled the trigger a day early, just to embarrass these morons.
But it got me to thinking about numbers and patters...
The human brain is magnificent at pattern recognition...
And I noticed an interesting pattern:
In the modern era, Republican presidents with monosyllabic names have been quite inferior to those with two-syllable names. And it is the main reason why John McCain got whupped. Think I'm crazy? Let's give it a closer look.
perverted inverted. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.
But it got me to thinking about numbers and patters...
The human brain is magnificent at pattern recognition...
And I noticed an interesting pattern:
In the modern era, Republican presidents with monosyllabic names have been quite inferior to those with two-syllable names. And it is the main reason why John McCain got whupped. Think I'm crazy? Let's give it a closer look.
- George - Dubya was good at some things, stunk at some other things. I think we can agree that he was a mixed bag.
- George the Elder - Remember his "Golly!" moment at the check-out line? 'Nuff said.
- Ronald - Shut up about amnesty and the Beirut Marine barracks getting blown up. In every other way the man was like pure kickass rolled in a tortilla of awesome.
- Gerald - Two syllables, but yet he mostly sucked. 'Cuz he was just filling in for Dick.
- Richard - Was really monosyllable "Dick". And he pretty much sucked. Thanks for opening China, you [bleep].
- Barack - Colossal megafail. Too bad he had such commie crackhead parents who gave him that weird name. Imagine if he had been named Brock. Every Brock I've ever met has been manly, decisive and generally cool. But no, Stan had to put an extra "uh" in her kid's name. Buh-rock. The world is paying a heavy price for that little moment of stupid.
- Bill - Monosyllable. Yeah, he sucked. But as democrats go, it wasn't as awful as it could have been. His administration was a couple Mongols short of being a full-on MCF, which is exactly what my theory would predict.
- Jimmy - Two syllables, twice the suck.
- Lyndon - Two syllables. Quagmire in Vietnam... Great Society... I'll stop there.
- John/Jack - Either way, he was monosyllable. And he was also the last D that was borderline decent. Coincidence? I think not. Had his moral failings but cut taxes and didn't take crap from commies.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Bin Laden Went Down to Pakistan
OK, the blog has been neglected lately. I hope this (at least partially) makes up for it. It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. I don't mind country music, but I don't really count myself a fan. But to me this song has always ROCKED!
I started this a few days ago before barry & the boys started changing their story. So it is no longer as "historically accurate" as it was the day OBL's death was announced.
Feel free to link and/or embed a copy if you like this. Also, it is my first youtube so please lemme know if it misbehaves.
Some parts of the song Charlie sings like a friggin' auctioneer and I can't really keep up. Written lyrics below for those who can't understand my mushmouth.
Bin Laden went to Pakistan, fear he was startin' to feel
He was in a bind, had to hide his behind, Americans pursuin' him with zeal.
Then he came across some Navy SEALs in a chopper, comin' in hot.
Bin Laden jumped behind a girl and said "Oh crap, I've been caught!"
"Now I may have failing kidneys, but I'm a rifle shooter, too
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll shoot it out with you.
"Now you have a pretty good rifle, boy, but give Allah his due:
"Convert or die, whore infidel! Akbar allahu!"
The SEALs said: "We're here for you Osama, there's no way that you can win
"Tonight you die, you sonvabitch, 'cuz we're the best there's ever been!"
Johnny's magazine is full, pilot pulls up hard.
Hell's broke loose in Pakistan, Bin Laden's drawn death card.
He can't win, he'll get no Paradise or gold
But when he loses, the devil gets his soul.
The SEALs flicked their safeties off and said "time to start this show."
And fire flew from their barrel tips, Bin Laden felt the blows.
Osama gathered himself one last time and made an evil hiss.
Then a few more SEALs joined in and it sounded something like this:
[simulated combat]
With Osama finished, Johnny said: "Now you're dead, oh, Bin Laden.
"That big hole in your skull, right there, thats' how SEALs git-r-done!"
Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties? Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."
The hole in his head proved to all that he'd been beat.
Deep red blood pooled on the ground around the SEALs' feet.
"My soul is now in the fire, I know not what to do
"For I find out too much late that Allah is a Joooooooo!"
Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties? Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."
I started this a few days ago before barry & the boys started changing their story. So it is no longer as "historically accurate" as it was the day OBL's death was announced.
Feel free to link and/or embed a copy if you like this. Also, it is my first youtube so please lemme know if it misbehaves.
Some parts of the song Charlie sings like a friggin' auctioneer and I can't really keep up. Written lyrics below for those who can't understand my mushmouth.
Bin Laden went to Pakistan, fear he was startin' to feel
He was in a bind, had to hide his behind, Americans pursuin' him with zeal.
Then he came across some Navy SEALs in a chopper, comin' in hot.
Bin Laden jumped behind a girl and said "Oh crap, I've been caught!"
"Now I may have failing kidneys, but I'm a rifle shooter, too
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll shoot it out with you.
"Now you have a pretty good rifle, boy, but give Allah his due:
"Convert or die, whore infidel! Akbar allahu!"
The SEALs said: "We're here for you Osama, there's no way that you can win
"Tonight you die, you sonvabitch, 'cuz we're the best there's ever been!"
Johnny's magazine is full, pilot pulls up hard.
Hell's broke loose in Pakistan, Bin Laden's drawn death card.
He can't win, he'll get no Paradise or gold
But when he loses, the devil gets his soul.
The SEALs flicked their safeties off and said "time to start this show."
And fire flew from their barrel tips, Bin Laden felt the blows.
Osama gathered himself one last time and made an evil hiss.
Then a few more SEALs joined in and it sounded something like this:
[simulated combat]
With Osama finished, Johnny said: "Now you're dead, oh, Bin Laden.
"That big hole in your skull, right there, thats' how SEALs git-r-done!"
Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties? Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."
The hole in his head proved to all that he'd been beat.
Deep red blood pooled on the ground around the SEALs' feet.
"My soul is now in the fire, I know not what to do
"For I find out too much late that Allah is a Joooooooo!"
Fire in the compound, jihadis run.
Bin Laden's brain's out in the shining sun.
Chopper sets down, hurry up let's go
"Casualties? Any wounded?"
"No, sir, no."
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