Very Scary BarryCare

[MSNBC Studios]

[token conservative] "But Chris, the CBO, yes that CBO, said it will balloon the deficit while..."

[Chrissy Matthews] "Look, I know that you like the idea of millions going without health insurance. You're just an evil-mongering swastik.."

[Matthews, interrupting himself] "Just a sec... We go live now to Dearest President Obama's Townhall meeting."

[Obama, onscreen] "Thank you folks, for your civility. A vigorous and robust debate is vital, and we can do a lot better than the last meeting in New Hampshire. There were snipers and nazis everywhere at that meeting. I felt a little like Secretary of State Bill Cl... Oops! Sorry, Hill! I keep saying that! I felt a little like Hillary in Bosnia when she had to go all Matrix dodging bullets and stuff."

[Matthews, hushed tone] "Can you believe it! The President stormed right through a barrage of nazi gunfire to address the crowd. He's so brave, like MacArthur tearing through Europe."

[token conservative] "Chris, Patton tore up Europe. MacArthur was in the Pacific."

[Matthews] "Shut up, liar, or you'll end up in the Pacific!"

[Obama, onscreen, surrounded by purpleshirt SEIUnicorns with billy clubs] "Let's take a question"

[Random person] "Mr. President, what can I do to improve my odds before the Death Panel?"

[Obama] "Let me be perfectly clear. There is no Death Panel. That is a vicious lie cooked up by that vicious liar who couldn't even beat Joe in the veep debate. Any so-called Death Panel would be just another gov't committee, and we know how inefficient committees are. My plan is all about efficiency - there will be NO committees. Instead, there is a complex formula and a spreadsheet that will determine medical outcomes. Just a few keystrokes and a few mouse clicks, and the correct cell on the spreadsheet will be highlighted. Just like that! Imagine the savings! For example, say you're a young gay progressive illegal alien on welfare. You have a lot of life ahead of you. The spreadsheet will say that you'll receive the best of care, with no regard for cost. On the other hand, if you're a retired oil executive who needs knee surgery so you can keep playing tennis on the weekends, well, we're just going to put a plastic bag over your head and push you down the stairs. Very efficient! We'll even put the spreadsheet on the web at www.deathgrid.gov, so you can see whether you should even bother waiting in line for a doctor or whether you should just sit in your big disgusting SUV idling with the garage door closed 'til you finally die of monoxide poisoning."

[Matthews] "I'm tingling! Are you tingling?"

[Rahm E, onscreen whispering something to Obama]

[Obama, pissedly] "Now I'm just learning that my fellow liberals are all a bunch of wussies. They're folding under the pressure of the unruly ginned-up astroturfer mobs. The Senate has removed the deathgrid provision. Bastages! They're afraid of a handful of nazis and an ex-governor with a Twitter account."

[crowd cheers]

[Obama] "This is not the end!!!!!!!!!!" [stomps off platform angrily]



[Obama] "

The Incredible Shrinking innominatus

I'll be guest-posting at Feed Your ADHD for the next few days. May not be too many posts over here for a few days, but hopefully I can juggle the two.

Secret Admirer?

Somebody namedropped me on Little Green Footballs yesterday and I had my best traffic day yet. Thanks!

I kinda suspect it was one of our fellow radical extreme fringe lunatic conservatives at JiP.

Lord of the Lies, pt. 3 of....

Part 1 Part 2
---------------------------

[Boremir McCain] "Voto, you look like you're getting tired. You should let me carry the Ring for a while."

[Voto] "No, thank you. I'll get by. It is a difficult burden, but I'll manage."

[Boremir, subtly angry] "Then let me at least have a look at it."

[Sam] "Boremir, why do you take that tone with Voto?"

[Boremir] "Screw you, Sam! I wasn't talking to you! Just gimme the @#*^$(*& Ring! I'll be the candidate and I will win."

[Voto] "Frankly Boremir, as a candidate, you're a bit of a bore. The base just doesn't seem to rally around you. I thank you for your years of service, but there's a certain doubt about whether you might betray us on crucial issues. I'll not give the Ring to an unpredictable maverick."

Boremir draws his sword and takes a few menacing steps towards Voto. Sam jumps between the two. Previously unseen emessem snipers begin sniping from the cover of their mastheads, and Boremir goes down, just a few steps away from seizing the Ring. Before fading away completely, Boremir utters an enigmatic last word: "I vote no on Sonia Sodomizór!"

------------------

Sarubama, on the verge of tears, is kicking around the debris left of the Towering Ego. An ugly, hunchbacked creature with blatantly fake hair ambles his direction.

[Sarubama] "Halt! Who is it that comes near my fragile ego?"

[Joe Bigor] "Master, it's me! Your faithful assistant! Is it alive?"

[Sarubama] "Joe, you're talking nonsense. As usual, nothing you're saying is the least bit applicable to the situation. You're in a completely different fantasy land. You don't belong here."

[Bigor] "Master, it doesn't matter what fantasy land! For I am always in fantasy land!"

[Sarubama] "Well, OK then. Help me pick this mess up before Michelle gets home and beats me with her broomstick!"

-----------------------

[Hillum, looking over a rocky crag at Sam and Voto] "My precioussss! I will yet claim it from those sssneaky voterers!" [Leaps down to attack]

[Sam, backhanding the shriveled monster] "Get away from him, you beech!"

[Hillum] "My precioussss! You stole it from me! It was mine! Mine! I was to wear it and rule! I am the smartest woman on the planet! I waited patiently, for years, for my turn! It wasss all magnificently planned, but you voterers ruined everything! Even Limdalf said I had an 80% chance of capturing the Ring! Give it to me! Now!"

[Sam] "Stop it. We're in no mood. Voto is weary of the burden placed upon him, and I'm just about fed up with your whining. The Elephant Man has ankles more shapely than yours, and your laugh sounds like a cartoon character. You will never have the Ring."

[Hillum] "If I can't have it, NOBODY CAN!"

[Voto and Sam] "Perfect. You can show us the way to the Beltway and help us destroy it."

[Hillum] "Yessss. I will help you. I know the Beltway well. I will take the Ring. Ooops, heh, heh. I meant 'I will take you to the one place the Ring can be destroyed!' Sorry."

--------------------------------

Strider, Cheygolas, Sarahwyn and Jimdli continue their trek to Gondor. As they round a bend, they encounter a band of slaves working on a Mordor Infrastructure Renewal project. The slaves struggle under heavy loads of quarry stone, as vicious taskmasters supervise and lay whipcords across the backs of the laborers. As they toil, the workers chant the verses of The Slave's Lament:

Strange man came from Huh-why-ee,
Promised change, brought misery.
He killed our jobs, told us to heed,
He taxed our gains for his own need.

We fought him hard, we fought him well -
On Capitol Hill we gave him hell!
Then he nationalized our industry,
Oh will we ever be set free?

Blood begins to boil. This injustice must not stand! The four heroes prepare to assault the taskmasters. Even their horses sense the evil and grow anxious for battle - the hooved beasts straining at the reins wanting to charge. But before they can begin, a far worse sight is seen in the distance: The armies of Mordor are crossing the Yellingmore Fields to begin the final destruction of Gondor. Soldiers, as countless as the sand on the seashore, march on, led by ACORcs. Some ACORcs are saddled atop giant battleRINOs, which tow catapults and other fearsome siege engines across the plains. The soldiers continue forward as the machines launch ponderous boulders of stimulus spending against the ramparts of Gondor.

[Jimdli] "Look! They're firing on the city!"

[Cheygolas] "That stone of cap-n-trade has smashed the parapet!"

[Sarahwyn] "The walls are falling! The enemy is entering the breach!"

[Strider, sword held aloft] "I will not live one day while this goes on! I will defeat them or I will die! Chaaaaarge!" [spurs eager horse]

The horses lunge forward at a furious gallop. Their hoofbeats seem to devour the very earth. The four reach the enemy's flank and crash the lines. Outnumbered by thousands-to-one, the warriors know no fear and their steeds slow for no one. Sparks from steel blades greeting armor fill the air. Dorcs that stand are trampled while those that flee are struck with the sword. Such is the heroism of the four, that centuries later the minstrels still sing of their valor.

Riding through dustclouds and barren wastes,
Galloping hard on the plains.
Chasing the libtards back to their holes,
Fighting them at their own game!
Trampled on freedoms, Repeated stabs in the back -
Enough is enough, Now it's time to atta-a-a-a-ck!"

Reaching the heart of the enemy formation, the horses stop in a panic before a hideous foe - A hooded, almost skeletal figure sitting astraddle a flat-black Toyota Prius - The Empress of the Ringwraiths!

"I am the Witchqueen of Botoxia! Prepare to meet your doom!"

Lord of the Lies, pt 2 of...

Part 1
-----------------------------------

Part 2:

The Fellowship breaks through to daylight, where the Taxrog dares not go. Their erstwhile leader, Limdalf the Wizard, has been lost. The fights have been valiant; their losses painful - yet the Fellowship carries on with their quest to destroy the Ring...

[Voto, mournful of Limdalf, wanting to change the subject] "Strider, tell me about Gondor."

[Strider] "It is a majestic land. Great gleaming towers and fruitful fields. The people live in peace and prosperity, and their generosity is legend. Liberty and equality rule the day." [hesitates] "Or so it was when I was a lad. The endless assaults from Mordor have eroded my people's resolve. Gondor remains standing, though the damage is severe. Even if we were to stem the tide of tyranny today, it would take an entire generation to see all the damage undone. The other nations of Middle Class no longer see Gondor as the shining city on a hill, but rather as just another realm declining into irrelevance. I weep for my country."

The band marches onward, the spirit of loss and hopelessness mounting with each footfall. At that unique moment in time when it seemed things could get no worse, the trampling sound of marching dorcs begins rumbling across the plain...

[Boremir McCain] "But I thought they couldn't come out in the daylight!?!"

[Sam] "Oh, no!"

[Jimdli, with bravado] "Be of good courage! Today is a good day to die, for a dorc!"

[Cheygolas] "Yea, verily, my swarthy little friend!"

[Merry] "They're getting closer!"

The stench of patchouli and unwashed underarms fills the air, as hordes of dorcs descend from all sides. En masse, the dorcs shriek out their war cry of "raaaaaaaaaciiiiiiist!" and begin their charge. The echoes of the dorcs' wail give way to the sound of clashing steel...

[Voto] "My blade glows like a supernova!" [Strikes nearby dorc]

Sarahwyn swings away at dorcs, Cheygolas fires rapidly. Strider, wielding his own sword in one hand and the crude blade of a fallen dorc in the other, flails at enemies like an overcaffeinated Sith. Bodies begin to pile up around around the heroes. Jimdli climbs atop a heap of dorc corpses to gain a better striking angle. They are holding their ground, but is it enough?

As exhaustion sets in, dorcs have the company of warriors fully encircled. A grim situation, indeed. The valiant band of patriots braces for a final stand, but the battle is interrupted by the clarion call of a dorc sounding notes on a bonghorn. Dorcs hear the call for retreat and dash from the scene. Chests heaving from exertion, the heroes assess the results. Four of their party are missing!

[Jimdli] "Oh no! The Fellowship is broken! The Ring has fallen into the hand of the enemy! Sauros will rule over us all!"

[Strider] "Be that yes or no, I will not go quietly into that dark night. I will die with my boots on. I will bathe in the warmth of my enemy's blood. Who is with me?"

[Cheygolas, Sarahwyn and Jimdli, raising their weapons. Yelling] "In defense of Gondor!!!" [quartet departs and heads for Gondor]
--------------------

The dorcs assemble some distance away. There is much jubilation among them, for they hold as captives Voto the Ringbearer, his staunch friend Sam, and the courageous Boremir. Merry the voter is nowhere to be found.

[Dorc captain] "This is a moment of triumph! Sauros shall reward us richly! Let us feast on government cheese and burn much weed!"

[Cheers from the company of dorcs. Celebratory slaps and other abuses upon the POWs]

The festivities begin. Dorcs gather in circles around the campfires and make disjointed sounds on their bongo drums. Hookahs are lit and copious amounts of subsidized foodstuffs are consumed. Soon they are reclined and relaxed. Many drift off into a dope-assisted sleep.

[Boremir, whispering] "Guys, this is our chance! Follow me!"

Boremir, Voto and Sam creep away. Utilizing his SERE training, Boremir silently leads the way through the jungle, away from the dozing dorcs.

[Voto] "What of the others? Did they survive?"

[Boremir] "Sadly, we have no way of knowing. We'll have to assume the worst. Now it is all up to us. We must make our way to the Beltway of Doom on our own."

[Sam, lip quivering from stifled sobs]

The three continue their weary walk to destiny...

--------------------

Merry, alone, finds his way into a forest of ancient trees. An unsettling sense of being watched causes his heart to race. A robed figure approaches.

[Limdalf] "Merry? What are you doing here?"

[Merry] "LIMDALF! We thought you were dead!"

[Limdalf] "Wha? Oh. No. Not at all. I just had to deal with those idiot tax collectors from the State of New York. They audit me every... single... year...! But I've dealt with that taxrog once and for all - I'm never doing business in New York again! Ha!"

[Merry] "What a relief!"

[Limdalf] "And then I flew out to Hawaii for a few days to play some golf with my buddies."

[Merry] "So that's where you've been all this time!"

[Limdalf] "So what about you? Why are you all alone?"

[Merry] "Tragedy, sir! A huge company of dorcs attacked us in broad daylight. I managed to escape, but I fear the others have been lost!" [crying]

[Limdalf, pulls out crystal ball] "Well, let's see about that." [Peers into ball] "The reception out here is terrible!" [Holds ball up, walks around a little] "OK, I got two bars now. That should be enough. Gotta keep it brief, though, as the Securitywraith has been known to eavesdrop on this channel."

[Limdalf, continuing to peer into ball] "Hmm. Uh-huh." [nods] "Uh-huh, uh-huh. OK" [puts ball away] "Beneath Sarubama's citadel, the Towering Ego, the half-white wizard has been breeding his own army of dorcs. Unlike most dorcs who are limited to sneaky behavior after dark and in smoke-filled, dimly-lit rooms, these dorcs can function in broad daylight. Often with the cooperation of the police. These are the ACORcs! They can be differentiated from normal dorcs by their bright red shirts."

[Merry] "Egads! But isn't it a little racist to call Sarubama 'half-white'?"

[Limdalf] "No, silly. I'm not talking about his skin. If you were to go to Ye Olde Home Depot to attempt a paint match, you'd find that Sarubama is exactly 50% "surrender flag" white and 50% "commie ideologue" red. Combined, that makes him pink. A pinko. But if I call him the Pink Wizard I catch hell from the No on 8 crowd. It's easier to just call him half-white."

[Merry] "I see."

[Limdalf] "The rest of the Fellowship have survived, but they are scattered. Boremir, Voto and Sam are continuing towards the Beltway. Strider, Jimdli, Sarahwyn and Cheygolas go to defend Gondor. And Sarubama is cooking up a scheme to nationalize the healthcare system and bankrupt Medicare."

[Ancient tree, excitedly] "WHAT!!!???! How dare he!"

[Limdalf and Merry startle at seeing a talking tree]

[tree] "I am AARPent, the seniormost seasoned citizen in this forest. Do not be alarmed. We have no issue with you, but we shall have our vengeance on Sarubama!"

AARPent lets out a yell which stirs numerous trees, both young and old, to action. They pick up signs and barge right into a townhall meeting going on in the Towering Ego. A fracas ensues and by the end the Towering Ego is much less towering...

[Limdalf] "Merry, let us go and catch up with our brothers in defense of Gondor!"
---------

QuickPost 8/10/09 - I need a lawyer

WAAAAAAAY too many red sprinkles on my pop-tart this morning. Seriously, the thing looked like a sea anemone. Something must be very, very wrong with the sprinkle application machine at the pop-tart factory, 'cuz it's more out-of-whack than a sleep-deprived emo kid who has misplaced his iPod . So - I know this is hard to believe - but when I called 911 to complain, they not only refused my request for a SWAT team, they wouldn't send one single squad car.

I know my rights, and I will not be pushed around! I will go to the courts and sue the poo out of the 911 dispatcher and the dude that adjusts the sprinkle applicator. I shall raise my clenched fist in victory!

Lord of the Lies, part 1 of...

At the secretive elven fortress of Rivendell, the various races of Middle Class gather to discuss the rising tempest that threatens their very existence...

[Voto Baggins, the voter] "Gee, I sure wish Elron Reagan were still here."

[Rush Limdalf, the gray wizard] "Alas, he has saddled up and ridden away to Uttermost West. We are on our own."

[Boremir McCain, the human] "Yes, I remember it well. I was a footsoldier in the Reagan Revolution, when Elron and his allies smote the dark forces and snatched the Ring of Electoral Power away from the enemy."

[Limdalf] "But the enemy was not fully vanquished. He remains a disembodied force of evil. If he were to reclaim the Ring, our way of life would be ended. Even today, he amasses an army of dorcs, ogres and internet trolls. Soon they will march. The Ring must be destroyed! It must not fall into the hands of the enemy!"

[Boremir] "What if we use the Ring against them? I, a man of stout heart and courage, could wield the power of the Ring wisely. I could fight pork bills and grant amnesties!"

[Limdalf] "No. The power of the Ring is too seductive. None who wear it can resist its urges. Soon you would be reduced to a power-hungry incumbent like the Ringwraiths."

[collective gasp of horror]

[Bobby Jimdli, the dwarf] "I shall destroy it!" [forcefully brings down ax upon ring, ring is unscathed]

[Limdalf] "The Ring is forged of ancient things. It can only be destroyed in the furnace it was forged in: The Beltway of Doom!"

[collective gasp of horror]

[Voto Baggins] "Whatever shall we do?"

[Dick Cheygolas, the elf] "We shall gather ourselves an army of our own, and march on the Beltway. We will see the blight of the Ring removed from Middle Class once and for all!"

[Limdalf] "No. The all-seeing Eye of Sauros would see you coming. We will succeed with only a small band of brave patriots. Who volunteers to bear the Ring?"

[silence]

[Voto, sadly] "I shall bear the Ring"

[Jimdli] "But he's just an ordinary voter! He can't bear the burden the Ring would place on him!"

[Sam, another voter] "Where Voto goes, I go!"

[Cheygolas] "You have my bow! And my double-barreled quail gun!"

[Attendees cringe slightly at mention of quail gun]

[Jimdli] "You have my ax!"

[Boremir] "You have my sword!"

[Strider Norris, the Texas Ranger] "You have my blade and my dazzling array of roundhouse kicks!"

[Limdalf] "You have my staff!"

[Merry, another voter] "I am named for Christmas, not that PC 'happy holidays' hogwash. I shall go , too! You have my vote and my campaign contributions!"

[Pimpin, another voter] "Yo, yo! You gots Pimpin's beats!" [begins to breakdance]

[Limdalf] "Pimpin, you are not worthy. Leave. Now. I don't care what Michael Steele said."

[Voto] "Then let us be off!"

[Limdalf] "Wait! The Fellowship is not complete! We need a replacement for Pimpin!"

[Craned necks, looks about the room. No replacement is to be found. Disappointment.]

[clop, clop of hoofbeats]

[Sarahwyn arrives and dismounts from her horse] "I know you weren't expecting me until later in the story. But being the Princess of Rohan was getting us nowhere. It is so distant. I resigned so I could be freed to fight bigger battles. Besides, Wormtongue lost his job. I feel quite vindicated!"

[Limdalf] "The Fellowship is complete! Let us journey to the Beltway!"

---------------------

A day's ride to the east, the Fellowship is atop a small rise in the midst of high mountains. A huge flock of birds soars overhead...

[Strider] "Hide! It is the eyes of the enemy!"

[Fellowship scrambles to hide under rocks and in crevices]

[Cheygolas] "Hey, birds!"

[Voto] "Cheygolas, no! They'll snitch our position to flag@mordor.gov!"

[Cheygolas] "I said hey birds! I got your stimulus right here!" [Flips The Bird gesture to the birds]

[Limdalf] "We're safe. They didn't see us."

----------------------

The group decamps and continues the journey. Crossing an icy and treacherous mountain pass, the mountain rumbles and an avalance assaults the party...

[Limdalf] "Run! This is the work of Sarubama, the half-white wizard!"

[Voto] "But the MSM said Sarubama is a good guy! Why would he do this to us?"

[Limdalf] "He has been seduced by the schemes of Sauros! Run! Run for the Mines!"

Reaching the Mines of Moroyourmoney safely, the party is confronted by an enigmatic door inscribed with ancient runes.

[Sarahwyn] "Oh, not this again!" [Draws custom AR-15 chambering .50 Beowulf] [Blows door to smithereens]

[Jimdli, wincing, rubbing fingertips in ear] "Wow, that was kind of loud! But enter, for here you will be treated to some real southern hospitality. It will be such a joy to see my ancestors again!"

Entering the cavern, the Fellowship see that the once-grand southern architecture has fallen into ruin and disrepair...

[Limdalf] "The demoncrats have been here. Nothing but waste and ruin left in their wake. We must not tarry!"

Reaching an alcove, a sort of monument is found. Among the old dry bones and rubble an old book is found. Limdalf dusts it off and begins reading...

[Limdalf] "We are trapped here. The demoncrats have us outnumbered and have superior fundraising. The demoncrat leaders, Blanco and Nagin, have destroyed almost everything. Here we make our last stand."

[Jimdli, begins to choke up]

[Limdalf, continuing from the book] "But the demoncrats were too greedy. They dug up Moroyourmoney too fast and too deep. They unearthed that fell creature of legend, the Taxrog! Before the mighty Taxrog, even the dorcs are afraid!"

Suddenly our intrepid adventurers are ambushed by dorcs and a particularly foul ogre... A violent melee ensues... Dorcs fall to the left and to the right. Blasts of .50 Beowulf and quail shot dismember the enemy forces. But more dorcs pour in... The battle is grim...

[Voto] "Strider!" [Voto hews down a dorc with his short sword, which is glowing in the presence of liberals] "Strider, doesn't that ogre kind of remind you of a certain obese documentary filmmaker?"

[Strider] "Yes, he does. And I know how to deal with movie bad guys!" [Strider kicks the ogre in the gut. The ogre coughs out a whole bucket of hot wings and a couple apple fritters]

[Voto, between sword strikes] "Strider, keep it up! He's getting weaker!"

Strider continues his onslaught of kicks and spinning backfists. Eventually all the (turkey) stuffing is beaten out of the ogre and the odious beast collapses. The dorcs begin to flee...

[Voto] "We've won!"

[Limdalf] "No! The dorcs flee, but not from our punishment." [Cups hand to ear] "Oh, no! It's the Taxrog! Run! Dash to the bridge that Reaches Across the Aisle! Cross it to the right and don't look back!"

The band of brave patriots reaches the bridge, the Taxrog hot on their heels. The Taxrog is gaining on them as they near the other side. Limdalf makes a valiant stand against the ravenous monster...

[Limdalf] "Fell creature, I command you!" [Strike staff on bridge. Blue/white arcs of AM-frequency lightning surround him] "This far, and NO FARTHER!" [Bridge collapses, Taxrog plummets into the abyss]

In an act of desperation, the Taxrog Indiana Joneses Limdalf's leg with his fiery whip and whisks Limdalf into the darkness below....

[Fellowship, screaming] "LIMDALLLLLLLLLLLF!"

--------------------------------
should I continue?

Brownshirt references are confusing

Calling Obama's thugs Brownshirts is confusing, and demeaning to the Boy Scouts. Let's instead call these goons Purpleshirts and Redcoats.


BTW, this is my 100th post! Yay for me!

QuickPost 8/7/09 - Let's get crackin'!!!

Elephant breaking his chains

Normally news items like this and this would infuriate me. It seems the Obministration and his congressional buddies aren't used to ordinary Americans speaking up, so they're bringing in union goons to try to stifle the "mobs." Somehow I am strangely at peace with this turn of events. Kind of cathartic, I guess. It is desperation on Obama's part, and I relish it.

It reminds me of the young elephant who is chained to a stake. The young elephant learns early on that he lacks the strength to break the chain or uproot the stake. The young elephant then grows up, still tethered, not realizing that in his adulthood he has within him more than ample strength to free himself. He suffers abuse after abuse. The Obministration, playing the role of elephant tamer, seems to have pushed too hard, though. Retreating to avoid the blows from the tamer and straining against his shackles, the elephant's chains begin to fail. The elephant is now realizing that the limits on him are self-imposed and his opposition is not able to keep him restrained. The elephant is breaking loose.

Ultimate Birther Resource

Check this out!



Now go make your own!

Barry Extreme Makeover: White House Edition

[Bus rolling through the hills of Virgina, headed towards DC]

[Ty Pennington] "OK, Design Team. We have a really big project in front of us. Take a look at this tape, and you'll see what I'm talking about."

[Ty, presses button on remote, image appears onscreen]

[Onscreen image] "Hi, ABC! I'm Barack. I'm the dad. I think I'm 48, but I'm not sure because there's controversy regarding my birth certificate... Hi, I'm Michelle, the mom. Hi, I'm Sasha. Hi, I'm Malia. And we're the Obama Family!"

[Paige, to nobody in particular] "Wow, those kids are really cute."

[Onscreen image] "We had really big plans when we came to DC. We were going to renovate everything. We were going to bring hope and change and redistribution. But things haven't completely gone the way we planned. The economy keeps getting worse, the commoners are staging protests all over the place, and people are starting to put up scary posters of me. Ty, ABC and the crew of Extreme Makeover, I implore you: Please come to DC and help us finish these renovations. We're in deep trouble here, and we don't know what else to do!"

[Ty, presses button and display goes dark] "So you can see why we're here."

[Preston] "It's just heartbreaking."

[Paulie, wiping tear from eye] "I, I, can't believe how hard it would be to have to live like that. We have to do something!"

[Ty] "Eggggzzzactly! Are you with me? Can we do this?"

[Team puts hands together] "LET'S DO IT!!!!!"

[Bus approaches White House. Ty and Design Team disembark and sneak towards front door.]

[Ty, through megaphone] "Gooooood Morning Obama family! Barry, Michelle, Malia, Sasha! Wake up and come outside!"

[Obamas, emotional, come running out. Hugs exchanged.]

[Ty] "So, you've really been on a roller-coaster the last few months."

[Obama] "Yeah. We came in with huge popularity and a tidal wave of a mandate. Senator McCain, who was disliked by much of his own party, was my opponent. I had huge advantages in fundraising, media coverage, and overall coolness. I also had ACORN. With these things on my sides, I was able to beat that Maverick guy by about 52/48."

[Ty] "Alright. I have some good news. We're going to help with these renovations."

[MichelleO] "Thank you!"

[Ty] "And there's more good news. While we're working, you're going on VAY-CAY-TION!"

[SashaO] "Yay!"

[Ty] "Yes, we're sending you to a really big farm up in Martha's Vineyard!"

[MaliaO] "Mom! I don't want to go to a farm!"

[MichelleO] "Why not, baby? I think a farm would be fun. Like working in our garden, only bigger and better!"

[MaliaO] "But mom, that's just carrots and stuff. I can deal with that. But I don't want to be around a bunch of smelly animals and smelly manure and roosters coming home to roost that wake me up too early. Barack-a-doodle-do!"

[MichelleO] "But baby, the garden is full of manure, too. Clinton manure. So stop fussing about the farm. C'mon, it'll be fun! Maybe they'll let you shear a sheep or something!"

[Malia, crosses arms and sighs indignantly]

[Ty] "OK, Obama family, let's get packing! We need to send you off on your vacation right away. We have a LOT of work ahead of us, so time is of the essence!"
________________

The next day...

[Ty running around with camcorder, sending vid to Obama's laptop] "Hello Obama family! Hope your vacation is going well. Today is my favorite day. Demolition day! Are you ready for some demo?"

[Obama and family point at laptop screen and laugh politely]

[Ty] "We're gonna need a lot of help. Here comes our help right now!"

[All 435 congressmen and all 100 senators come marching up with blue shirts and hardhats]

[Ty] "And here they go!" [flailing around with camcorder] "Look! There's Senator Dodd! He's beating the housing market with a sledgehammer. Wow! And Senator Schumer" [Ty ducks to avoid flying debris] "is jackhammering the 2nd Amendment. This is crazy!"

[Obamas continue to watch vid, giggling and pointing at screen]

[Ty] "Whoa! Senator Boxer is out here burning the 1st Amendment with a plasma cutter! She says that townhall protesters are just a bunch of fakers!" [Ty jumps out of the way of capitalism as it comes crashing down] "Phew! That was close!"

[Ty] "Congressman Fwank! What are you doing!?!? This is a family show! The sledgehammer is for demo, not..."

[Ty steps aside as a big excavator drives up. The big machine begins tearing into the Constitution like a hungry hyena]

[Ty] "There you have it, Obama family! Now, we only have seven days to stuff all these unread bills through congress, so wish us luck! We're gonna need it!"

[Obamas wave goodbye to the image on the laptop] "Bye, Ty!"

[Ty] "OK, Pelosi, Reid, Hoyer and the rest of you guys. We have a lot of work to do." [through megaphone] "Let's get started!"

[Democrat leadership] "Umm, Ty? We don't really know how to build anything. We're a lot better at tearing things down. Besides, this is our August recess. We're outta here!"

ObamaCare is Evil!

Yeah, I said it. Go ahead, rat, and rat me out. I dare you.

Fun w/ Joker

Misadventures of spider man

Weird things going on around the house... Spiders everywhere! As a kid we called them Crab Spiders, but snoopin' around on Wikipedia, I think they're actually Garden Spiders. They make the neat round orb weaver webs and hang out in the middle until a dumb fly or dumb human becomes ensnarled in it. These are the spiders we used to catch when we were little and put them in a jar with a Black Widow. The Crab Spider always won. In short order, the widow would be doing the curled-up-legs-I'm-dead pose at the bottom of the jar. That was cool.

But now they're all over the place. They seem to have a fondness for the front porch - seems like every morning I end up walking through a web. Nasty. This morning as I was heading out for my early job at 4:15, there was even one in my car. It was still dark, and I sat right in the web and the spider crawled on my neck before I figured out what was going on. I'm not phobic or anything - I actually like to see them and their webs. When they're OUTSIDE and NOT IN MY WAY!!

Two nights in a row I've had some cracked-out spider dreams. In the first one, I dreamt that my wife and I were in a nice hotel room, but it was still under construction with some pipes laying on the floor. There were about a half dozen tarantulas in the room. I was trying to stomp on them but they were really quick and could avoid me. I was thinking I needed some rattlesnake gaiters so I wouldn't be bit on the leg. Then I found a can of Wasp & Hornet spray and went to town. It wasn't scary and there was no adrenalin dump that accompanies a nightmare. Just weird. Then last night I dreamt that the doorknob to our front door was really big and hollowed out like a funnel, and there were a bunch of big ugly spiders living in the hollow area. In the dream my wife was afraid to come near the door, while I just kind of poked at them with a straightened-out wire coathanger. Then I woke up. Again, not scary just bizarre.

I know from reading the comments here, I attract some very intelligent and perceptive readers. Somebody, please tell me what it all means!