Thursday, August 18, 2011

There Can Only Be One

On a nondescript stretch of highway in New Hampshire, campaign buses pass each other by going in opposite directions...

[Romney] "That's him!  Turn around"

The bus driver dutifully complies.

[Romney] "Step on it!  Catch up to that other bus!"

After a few miles, Romney's bus is right behind the other.  Romney reaches past the driver and grabs the little chain to sound the bus' air horn.  **BRAAAAAA**  The leading bus pulls over at a scenic viewpoint on the road and the second bus pulls in behind.

[Gov. Perry, stepping out of lead bus] "Y'all better start 'splaining whart's goin' on.  If you pulled us over for anythin' less than to warn me of my bus bein' on far and ready to 'splode, thar's gonna be a heap o' trouble."

[Romney] "No, that's not it at all.  I think, I think, well, how to explain this..." [Holds up picture of three persons' hair]
[Romney, continuing] "See, we each have very Reaganesque hair.  Placed next to each other, they are nearly indistinguishable.  Hence, I suggest that we not fight each other.  Instead, you should be my running mate, and our campaign slogan can be 'Hair Apparent to the Mantle of Reagan: Romney/Perry 2012'. I think the little play on heir/hair is cute and will really resonate with the electorate."

[Perry] "The only thing resonatin' is my brain.  'Cuz listenin' through all the stupid in you little spiel there made my brain shrink and now it's bouncin' off the insides of my skull.  Let's pick this apart: first of all, me 'n Dutch Reagan part our hair on the right.  'Cuz "Right" is like our dee-fault settin' for just about ever'thin'.  Y'all parts yours on the left and try to drag it all over to the right but y'all ain't convincin' nobody with all that.  Secondly, yer hair looks like the roadkill I use to bait the coyote traps.  Thirdly..."

[Romney interrupts] "Let's not be like that, picking each other apart.  We have too much in common.  We've both been governors.  We both have fabulous hair.  We, umm, we... We both have pick-up trucks...  We're like that episode of Star Trek where there were those two guys.  They were painted half black and half white.  Well, the other guy was half white and half black.  See, they thought they were polar opposites of each other, but they were really the same.  When they touched each other there would be these ZzZZZz electrical sounds and sparks would fly but they really should have been natural allies.  Like us."

[Perry] "Naw, we are total opp'sites:  While you was watchin' Star Trek and sippin' your Roy Rogers at the Hamptons with your rich daddy, I was picking cotton and killin' feral hogs with a butterknife 'cuz we couldn't afford a proper hog-killin' knife."

[Romney, imploringly] "But that's the point!  Together, you as my running mate, we could appeal to EVERYBODY!"

[Perry] "Y'all must realize that ever'thin you're sayin' would also be true with me at the top of the ticket."

[Romney, face turning ugly with rage] "NO!  NO! A thousand times NO!  *I* am the one who pissed through millions of his own dough last time.  *I* am the one who has been campaigning all this time.  Plus, the Establishment said that *I* am up.  It is MY turn!"

[Romney lunges forward and grabs Perry by the shoulders] "ZzZZZz!  ZzZZZz!  There. Can. Only. Be. One.! ZzZZZz!  ZzZZZz!"

[Perry brushes Romney's hands away] "No man has ever put his hands on me uninvited and lived to tell the tale.  Wait.  That sounds kinda bad.  It's not like I ever invite men to touch me.  I'm talkin' 'bout guys like the doc that fixed my back a while back.  That's OK.  But I'll make a 'ception for you this time since I don't much feel like 'splaining at the next debate how I had to kill ya and then use your bones to build a raised flarbed for my wife's yeller roses."

[Romney] "Thanks...  I think."

Perry, executing a quick-draw, pulls out his Desert Eagle and fires a round off to Romney's side.

[Romney, freaking out] "What the heck was that all about??!?!"

[Perry] "There was a three-legged snark sneakin' up behind y'all.  Them's venomous as hell and woulda killed ya right quick.  I just saved yer life.  So just get yourself back in the bus and think real hard about being my veep."


  1. A 3 legged snake, huh? Was barry stalking them. He really needs to stay off a bus.

    Great post, Inno. The hair does look alike.

  2. The alternative slogan... Hair to dream.

  3. Bunni - Dunno, I think barry belongs in a bus more than in AF1.

    Trestin - Yes!

    Dean_L - That is real Perry, Reagan, Romney hair (in that order). But Romney would look killer with a big 'stache and some lambchops.

  4. 'Motorhead' Romney? I think he'd be more to my liking if the hair weren't so in place and salesman-like.

    I feel bad that I didn't recognize Reagan's hair. It seems so obvious now that you came out and said it.

  5. Dean_L - Ha! Lemmy is EXACTLY who I was thinking of when I typed that.

  6. The power of hair! May the hair be with you my friend.

  7. You gotsta watch out fer them three legged snarks, Bubba. What's hair?

  8. That is real Perry, Reagan, Romney hair (in that order).

    Ummm... that ain't HAIR... it's HAR.


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