Thursday, June 23, 2011

Barry big pile o' junk

Morning staff meeting in the White House.  The usual crew is present.

[Obama] "Let's get a quick round-up.  Economy?"

[Goolsbee] "Sucks.  Sucks so bad that I quit."

[Obama] "Wars?"

[Panetta] "I never thought it would happen, but Americans are getting tired of bombing brown people.  All this bombing you're doing is hurting your popularity."

[Obama] "Hmmm.  Popularity...  Axe?"

[Axelrod] "We're getting the campaign machine reassembled.  But the enthusiasm is way down.  Good thing the rich people are getting richer, 'cuz the average schmuck now pretty much hates you and would never give a dime for your re-election.  You should maybe start thinking about your post-pResidential life.  Baracka, when the walls fell."

[Obama] "Wait.  I have an idea.  Remember how that guy published pics of his junk on twitter and it was all anybody was talking about for a good solid week?  Let's do that again.  Except somebody more famous.  Somebody that'll dominate the headlines for a long time.  Keep the heat off me long enough to start getting my crap together.  Who...?  Who...?"

VP Biden walks in, late for the meeting.  Wearing earbuds and singing softly.

[Biden, making rodeo gestures] "♪ On a bull named Fu-Manchu ♫"

[Obama] "Joe!" [louder] "JOE!" [yanks earbuds out of Joe's ears]

[Obama] "Get off your air horse for a second.  I have an important job for you."

[Biden] "Sir, yes sir!"

[Obama] "I need you to post a pic of your junk on your twitter."

[Biden, hesitant] "But sir, I'm not sure ab..."

[Obama, interrupting] "I know it is a lot to ask.  But toughen up.  I need you right now, and you need to answer the call of destiny."

[Biden] "But.  But.  OK, this is hard.  In fact, it sounds almost cruel.  I don't have a twitter anymore.  See, the first one got away.  Then the second one get eaten by my cat.  The third one, well, it spontaneously combusted.  Dunno how that happened.  But it ruined the drapery, which was Jill's favorite.  The guy at the pet store and Jill both told me clearly: no more twitters."

[Obama] "I'm not talking about a bird, Joe!  I'm talking about that internet thing."

[Biden, rubbing chin, distant stare] "Internet...  Internet...  Sounds kinda familiar.  Oh!  Yeah, that series of tubes invented by Fat Albert.  OK.  Hey, Hey, Hey!  Gotcha.  You want me to put a pic of my junk on twitter?  I haven't even touched that twitter thing since the election.  Which reminds me, I think I should primary you!  Heh.  Kidding.  Maybe.  Heh.  Alright, I'll do it."

[Obama] "Thanks, Joe."

Several days go by.  ZERO coverage in the news.  Obama's polling numbers continue to discolor the porcelain.  

[Obama] "Dang!  Usually the media embargoes of my gaffes are helpful, but I need them to jump on this one.  Are we sure Joe posted that pic?"

[Sebelius] "Don't look at me, I'm not going to check!"

[Napolitano] "Same here.  No way, no how.  I've never seen a man's junk.  Not even once.  And I'm not about to start now."

[Obama calling Joe on the speakerphone] "Joe!  I thought you were gonna put a picture of your junk on twitter!"

[Biden] "Sir!  I did!  I promise!"

[Obama] "Seems like we would've had independent confirmation of this by now.  Are you sure?  You wouldn't lie to me?"

[Biden] "Ummm...."

[Obama] "I knew it!  You lied!  You never posted the pic!"

[Biden] "I posted the pic, sir.  But I confess that it wasn't really my junk.  At least, not my junk yet."

[Obama] "OMG, Joe!  You posted a pic of another man's junk?"

[Biden] "'Well, I really have no junk.  Jill won't allow it.  I mean, I have some serious junk, but Jill won't allow me to keep it at the house.  I've tried to convince her that while there is a lot of it, I'd promise to keep it tidy.  But she's never let me."

[Napolitano] "I think I'm gonna hurl."

[Biden] "So, I posted a pic of Grandpa Biden's junk.  Like a lot of men, he was always rather proud of his junk.  It has become something of a family heirloom.  Right now it is in a field in Scranton.  Someday it'll officially be mine.  I keep several pics of grandpa's junk in my phone.  So when I'm feeling a little low, I can just look at those pictures and it perks me right up.  I say to myself 'self, someday that'll all be yours, and you'll be able to do whatever you want with it.'

[Napolitano, turning green and looking for a wastebasket] "Ugh"

[Obama] "Joe, you huffed the aerosol propellent out of a whole can of stupid, didn't you?"

[Biden] "Not at all.  Some of my fondest childhood memories involve grandpa's junk.  We'd go outside and he'd show me all the crazy stuff he could do with his junk.  Once we even found an ant nest in grandpa's junk.  Ahh, those were the days."
[Obama] "Oh, I get it.  You're talking about literal junk."

[Biden] "Why?  What did you think I was talking about?  I think your teleprompter needs a tune-up.  You aren't making any sense at all."


  1. You should've seen what Biden posted when Obamster ordered him to post his twig and berries.

    Seriously, great piece homie.

  2. Inno, I'm LMAO, great job, just two more years of idiocy!

  3. Great TNG reference, and sniffing all the aerosol out a can of stupid is classic man.

  4. I think historians will look back at our time when many comedians foolishly turned their back on the comic gold that was good old Joe.

  5. Huffing the aerosol -- priceless. Maybe you can work the TSA in there somewhere.

  6. Once again I must ask: Who is your source in the White House?

  7. Just about the time I think you have outdone yourself, you come with another post that never ceases to amaze and amuse me.

    Must be something in the rain water?

  8. Outstanding Inno, frigging outstanding!

  9. GREAT post~Can't wait until 2012 when we can take the trash out.

  10. I ain't been here in awhile, and THIS greets me! I tell ya, I used to love the Sarah Palin/Fred Thompson/Chuck Norris series, but this has got to be one of the better posts I have read here in my long career here!

    Good job, Innominatus, Ol' Buddy, we may have to find you a real name someday!

  11. what a bunch of tools!! Have a fabulous July 4th weekend u patriot u!..

  12. Good stuff Inno though I think I sprained my imagination and may have to have it nuked.

  13. Great TNG reference, and sniffing all the aerosol out a can of stupid is classic man.



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