Friday, April 1, 2011

April Obama Day

White House briefing room.  CIA Director Panetta, DNI Clapper, NSA Tom Donilon, SecState Clinton, SecDef Gates and of course the pResident all present.

[Obama] "So, whazzup in Libya?"

[Clinton, cyring] "Some Libyan official called me 'The Old Lady of Malice.'  That's so rude!  I, I, I'm not that old.  Some people think I'm still kinda hot!"

[Obama] "Gates, tell your people to start bombing both sides, rebels AND loyalists.  We can't have them upsetting Hillary.  'Cuz you know how it gets around here when she's having a bad day.  Just don't hit any civilians.  Unless, of course, they really deserve it."

[Gates] "Aye, Mr. President."

[Obama] "And one last thing, what's this about $600k for a gurgling toad sculpture?"

[Gates] "Sir, it isn't a real toad.  It's Helen Thomas.  We're trying to help you get a handle on unemployment.  Nobody else would hire her, so, um..."

[Obama] "Understood.  I consider that a bargain."

[Biden] "Sir, are you sure about bombing the rebels?"

[Obama] "Well, like Timothy Leary once said: 'Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

[Panetta] "I thought that was Shakespeare."

[Obama] "Don't be stupid.  Shakespeare died a few years before Gwar even played they're first show.  How could he have known?"

[Biden, nauseated] "I licked a frog once, and I did get quite a buzz.  But after this Helen Thomas/toad discussion, I think I need a sicksack."

[Clapper] "Shakespeare and Nostradamus were good buddies.  I betcha ol' Nostry told Bill that there would be a band called Gwar some day."

[Donilon] "You're all crazy.  It was Andy Warhol.  And what he said was 'Cry havoc, and everybody will be famous for 15 minutes, lipping off a can of Campbell's soup."

[puzzled expressions] "Who are you?"

[Donilon] "I'm the National Security Advisor."

[Obama] "I have no idea who you are.  Get out of here.  But first, get me a can of Fresca."

[Clapper] "Since we have no plan at all, maybe we should go with 'Cry havoc, and hope for the fog of war."

[Obama] "I like it, except for that 'war' thing."  [standing up, extra erect] "Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Cry havoc and hope and change for the fog of kinetic military actions!"

[collective chuckles]

[Obama] "Ya know the coolest part?  My buddy Jeff Immelt runs General Electric.  They do a LOT of defense contracting. 

[Biden, giggling] "And they don't pay any taxes"

[Obama] "Yeah, that's one of the benefits of being my buddy.  But the more people we bomb, the more money GE makes. Which then goes right into my campaign coffer.  Bwaaahaaahaaahaa!"


  1. "Well, like Timothy Leary once said: 'Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

    Now that's masterful!

  2. i'm literally lol-ing and the coworkers are looking at me funny. reminds me of the Dig 'Em statue episode on family guy.

  3. Sometimes I wonder if the pResident has watched that movie about Africa, "The Lion King", a way too many times.

    He sure thinks dat circle of life thang iz all about him.

    Okay I'm a racist!

    My mind is racing trying to figger out wut that guy just dun and why wud he do dat?

  4. I just hope that helen thomas/toad statue isn't funded by zionists!

  5. Christopher - you are too kind.

    Buck - Danke.

    cathysue - the coworkers always look at you funny. At least now they have a reason. :)

    amanofwonder - it's a mystery wrapped in a riddle, trapped in an idiot

    Trestin - Obama Day calls for celebratory gunfire!

    Infidel - everything worth funding is funded by Zionists. Helen doesn't care 'cuz she's just happy to have a payin' gig.

  6. "Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

    I think Gwar would approve.

  7. Dude, your satires are getting sharper by the day.

    Nice work, homie.

  8. Wow, i sure wish I'D said that!

    Don't worry, Innominatus, I will...

  9. lol oiy gotta laugh or I will implode Inno~! hope ya had a nice weekend~!..almost

  10. "Sir, it isn't a real toad. It's Helen Thomas."
    I'm still laughing at this line.

  11. I vote for naming the statue "Mahmoud Ahmadinetoad"


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