Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Rocket on trial

Shown in Yankee colors instead of Red Sox so Manhattan Infidel doesn't kill me

Brought up on charges for lying to Congress?  Are you for real?  ARE YOU FREAKIN' SERIOUS?  You will never encounter a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than the US Congress.  If I try hard enough, I can think of maybe 3 or 4 individuals in that entire body who aren't themselves deserving of long prison terms.  The rest of them are chronic lying bastages whom I loathe.  If they were dying of thirst, I'd deny them even the sweat from 'twixt my cheeks.  Yeah, those cheeks.

Now they've got their panties Depends in a bunch over a retired baseball player who may have juiced a dozen years ago, and whether he was honest in his testimony about it?  Really?  When was the last time any one of these sheetstains in Congress was honest about anything?  Congress lies to us, they lie to the press, and they lie to each other.  BS is their native language.  You'd think they'd be flattered that Mr. Clemens bothered to learn their local tongue.  But no, they want to charge him with garbage that could possibly lead to 30 YEARS IN PRISON. 

Y'all should be thankful that I don't have comic book superpowers, 'cuz I really want to drop a giant boulder on Congress right now.  Grrr.
Disclaimer:  I am not a Clemens fan.  Neither am I a Roger hater.  It's just that he never played on any teams I give a crap about, so to me he's always just been a good pitcher.  No more, no less.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Announcing the BarryGate 3000!

Want to keep troublesome pResidents off your property?  You need the BarryGate 3000!  Allows handy entry and exit to non-idiots, while keeping pResidents at bay.  Works just as well on nice days, when the pResident carries his pretty pink parasol.  Shown above with optional Slouching Amazon.  All yours for only 3 easy payments of $19.99 + shipping.


Welcome to my nightmare

In the not so distant future, a militaristic China will come to collect on our debt.  Many will accede to their demands.  The spineless powers-that-be in DC will acquiesce in order to maintain their positions of comfort, like the Vichy of days gone by.  Some will resist.  They will take up arms.  They will fail.  They will be imprisoned behind fences and razor-wire.  And their meager rations will consist solely of...


Man and child alike will curse his fate.  In the evening stills, each will say to himself "Had I only known it would be this bad, I would have fought harder.  I would never have let them take me alive!"  They will scheme up dramatic plans for escape, while knowing sadly that the heavy bloat in their gut would prevent them from ever accomplishing such a thing.

OK, ok.  I know.  A little heavy on the drama, there.  But those pancakes are awful.  Last night after church, we got home a little late and nobody felt like cooking a real meal.  I scanned the contents of the freezer and found a box of frozen pancakes.  "Cool!" I thought to myself, as I dig on breakfast foods at any hour of the day and I was in the mood for something mild.  I was surprised to find that my wife had bought them, as she makes a pretty darned good pancake the old-fashioned way.  So I plopped a few in the toaster... The brand name "Krusteaz" should have been a tip-off that something bad was about to happen.  When the name of a product I'm about to eat conjures mental images of me chipping indeterminate goo out of an old bathtub with a chisel, I should probably stop and consider the direction my life is headed in.  But no...  They looked pretty decent and smelled alright as they were toasting. 

Add some butter and some syrup and take a bite... What the??? It tasted like an undercooked biscuit between two layers of thin cardboard.  The outside was hard but the innards were still kind of doughy.  More butter...  OK, that softened up the "shell" but it still tastes like crap.  More syrup...  Now the darned things are delaminating, like how the paper layer comes off a piece of waterlogged sheetrock.  But being a lazy old turd, I wasn't about to cook something else.  So I kept eating.  These stupid things are only about the size of a CD - I toasted 4 and should have been able to down them all with ease, but after 2.5, I was feeling VERY full.  The remainder became doggie treats.  Then as I tried to sleep, with bulging belly, the HEARTBURN kicked in.  C'mon!  It's a friggin' pancake, not a jalapeƱo chili pizza with extra grease!  Unbelievable, miserable, largely sleepless night.

15 hours later and I still don't feel quite right.  While searching up an internet image of these abominations, I found that amazon.com has an online grocery store, and they'll even deliver to your door. Yikes.  They want $3.24 for a pack of these.  Is anyone that stupid?  That'd be like paying the neighborhood brat $3.24 to deliver a sack of flaming feline feces to your front porch.  Avoid these like they're toxic.  Because I'm pretty sure they are.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Inbox runneth over

Every once in a while I send an email to the Lars Larson Show.  About half the time he reads them on the air.  He did so with the one I sent today, and replied back with this little image:

Ouch! I think that's the harshest critique I've yet seen.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

TIME Magazine laments negativity towards Muslims

Time magazine has an article up about a wave of anti-mooselimb activity (!!!) sweeping the nation. They manage to cite three (3) instances: the cabbie getting stabbied (by a lib, it appears); "vandals" tacking up two small handwritten cardboard signs on a mosque in California; and finally, this guy:
Last night, a drunk man barged into a Queens mosque and shouted anti-Muslim slurs at the congregation during the nightly Tarawee prayers. He then proceeded to urinate on the prayer rugs and gave congregants the finger. Two men managed to subdue him and call 911.
They offer no other details about the guy, which in itself is somewhat telling.  If the perp were a Republican, conservative, Tea Partier, veteran, etc, that would be the headline so I think it's a pretty good bet that he is none of those.  I do not condone his alleged doings.  Crass and tasteless.  Funny as heck, too.  So I mean "crass and tasteless" in only the most "Ha ha! More, please!" sense of the phrase.

And curiosity is killing me. I just gotta know what was going through rugpisser's mind - to walk right into a mosque and do something like that?  Dude, it's a friggin' MOSQUE, not a Pacifist Quaker Family Center!!  Furthermore, dude, how are you even able to walk at all, with cojones that are so grande?  Please, please let more details be forthcoming!

Separated at Birth?

TraitSenator MurkowskiWWE Dork 'Edge'
Pursed, narrow lips
you just want
to backhand?
North of the
Yup, Alaska Yup, Canada
Exaggerated browline
you could use
to split firewood?
Yup Yup
Vindictive sore loser
who takes everything
way to personal?

Ever seen on the same stage at the same time? NOPE!

Do the math, people!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Blogger Spam feature

Blooger FINALLY turned on the new spam filter for my site.  Some of ya have had it for several days, but I just got it yesterday.  So I turned off the word verification, just to see if the spamgrabber would be enough.  BAM! just like that, an old post gets this funky comment:

In every tom's time, at some time, our inner pep goes out. It is then burst into enthusiasm by an contend with with another human being. We should all be glad quest of those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

I am very uplifted by this comment.  I have long been a fan of special-ed free verse and this pretty much makes my day.

UPDATE:  Sorry, word verification is back on.  So far, I'm not so impressed with the function of this new"feature"

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Saturday Reruns

Another inbox goodie, forwarded by a friend from church who has a pretty cool little poem at the top of her blog right now.


For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama,
Please read the following!!

I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and
Kennedy,but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and

You might be surprised.

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used
The same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the
Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama
Had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his
Inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for
His inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a
Skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama
Is a skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was born in the United States .Obama is a skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a
Skinny lawyer

14. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.


In God We Trust!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Barry tough election cycle

[Pelosi] "Gahh!  What's that coming out of the water?"

[Rahm] "Oh no, it looks like some kind of Walking Radioactive Disaster!!!"

[Pelosi] "And, and, it's headed right for the midterms!"

[Rahm] "Not only that, it's headed right FOR US!!"

[Radioactive Disaster Barry] "Hey guys, what's up?"

Pelosi feverishly makes sign of the cross over her chest and clamps her eyes tightly closed.

[Pelosi] "Oh lawd, please make it go away!  I'll do anything, lawd, just make it disappear!  I even promise I won't bring any more abortion bills to the House floor!  Pleeeeeease!"

[WRD Obama] "Guys, relax.  Somebody must have put something in my sunscreen or something."

A curious veep Biden approaches

[Biden] "Who the heck are you?"

[WRD Obama] "Joe, knock it off.  Go find me a tub of Noxema or something that'll get this off of me."

[Biden] "You sound like the President, but you look like some kind of Walking Radioactive Disaster.  I've always been kind of a science geek.  Check this out."  [Pulls pocket-sized Geiger Counter from lapel pocket and aims it at the WRD.  The Geiger Counter starts clicking faster than an overcaffeinated Neil Peart doing a drumroll.]

[Pelosi, panicky] "What.  Does. That. Mean?  What. Does. That. Mean!?"

[Biden, calmly] "It means...  He's toxicly radioactive.  It's not safe to be around him.  In fact, we may have already received lethal doses of the Disastrous Radioactivity.  Best we head to the decontamination facility pronto!"

Arms flailing overhead, Biden runs away screaming.

[WRD Obama] "Whatever.  I don't have time for this.  I'm heading to the Capitol to give our team a little pep talk."

[Pelosi] "Noooooooooooo!"

[WRD Obama] "And then I think I'll commandeer some prime-time TV to talk about why the Ground Zero Mosque is such a good idea.  While I'm at it, I think I can dispel the myth that I'm still a mooselimb.  Once people know that I'm actually a Christlamic Humanist I think they'll simmer down."

[Rahm, urgently] "Sire, please, I beg thee - stay away from the TV for a while.  Go on a vacation.  Go to Martha's Vineyard.  Go to Vinny's Vineyard.  Anywhere.  Go the the Lion's Club booth at the county fair and boil some hotdogs for all I care.  Seriously.  Anywhere but on TV."

[WRD Obama] "You're all totally overreacting."

Joe Sestak, carrying his briefcase, walks by.

[WRD Obama] "Yo, Joe!  How's things up in Quakerland?  Needin' any campaign help?" [Grabs Joe's hand and gives it a good shake]

[Sestak] "Agh! My hand, it burns!" [whacks WRD Obama with briefcase] "D**n it!  I sure hope that nobody got me on camera with that WRD!"

The trio ambles towards Capitol Hill despite Rahm and Nan's pleadings.  Russ Feingold is sitting in the grass next to his solar-powered scooter which has stopped working.

[Feingold, reading the owner's manual for the scooter aloud to himself] "Hmmm.  Troubleshooting... Troubleshooting... Ah!  Page 38.  Lessee here...  'If the scooter suddenly stops working, it is likely that the toxic flume from a nearby Walking Radioactive Disaster has irradiated the solar panels and de-ionized the battery.  Return scooter to an authorized service center for repair.'  Weird."

[WRD Barry] "Hey, Russ!  I see that some nobody up there in Wisconsin is catching up to you in the polls.  I'll swing by later this month and do some campaign stumping for ya!"

[Feingold, aloud] "NO!" [to himself] "Dang it!  Where's an inflatable emergency chute when you really need one?!"  [Aloud] "Attention JetBlu passengers and Obama sycophants.  I hate all of you.  Screw you all.  I'm outta here!" [Opens imaginary door and slides on his butt down some wet grass to a sidewalk at the bottom of the slope and runs to his car]

[WRD Barry] "Um, Rahm, I'm starting to get the point.  I think I better just go lay low at Martha's Vineyard for a while."

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Technology sucks!!!1!

Got a bunch of (supposedly) cool new gear in the shop.  But now the network is FUBAR, the laser won't talk to its PC, the sublimation printer puts down so much black ink that it bleeds and I'm trying not to cuss.  I have some ideas to post but they'll have to wait.

For now all I can do is remind you that Ringo is slightly less annoying than the other Beatles. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

innominatus '12

I've come up with a cunning plan to get the GOP nomination and beat barry in 2012.  It is a four step process, and it goes like this:

1.  Go back in time and beat Bloomberg for Mayor of NYC
2.  Erect a big rockstar type stage on the street near Ground Zero
3.  Give heartfelt and honest speech, telling the people HOW I REALLY FEEL - "OK, mohammedans, it may not be within my power to keep you from building.  But it is within my power to set up an ARMY of building inspectors at your project.  They will be all over you like a pitbull on a T-bone.  They will be citing every real and imagined defect and safety violation.  They will be handing out fines like a meth-ed up JW handing out Watchtower tracts.  Every truck delivering materials will have its maintenance record audited.  We will charge you for the police overtime it will take to resolve the many bomb threats you will soon start receiving.  By 9-11-11, your hoped-for grand opening, you will be lucky to have moved a thimbleful of dirt, let alone have the d*mn thing completed.  If you don't like it, go ahead and lawyer up.  Sue.  Sue like the wind!  Get barry and Holder to sic the DOJ on me!"  [bang fist on podium] "Bring. It. On.!"
4.  Fly to Iowa and start collecting delegates, who will be so in love with me that they won't even wait 'til 2012 to give me their votes.

Step 1 is clearly the tricky part.  Once I get past that minor hurdle, watch out!

PS - Pelosi wants to investigate where opponents of the GZM are getting their funding?  Funding?  Funding??  You mean the rest of you lowlife haters that oppose this mosque are getting paid, while I'm dumb enough to oppose it for free?  Dang, do I ever feel like the chump!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Mosque-Ow on the Hudson

Sorry about the bad movie pun.  I've been hesitant to chime in on this issue because I like to find news items I can have a little fun with, but there is nothing at all funny about the Ground Zero Mosque.  At least  now JammieWearingFool is reporting that the mooselimbs are feeling the heat and starting to reconsider.  So maybe there'll be a bright side to this story after all. 

pic linked from King Shamus
This problem has been simmering ever since the muzzies anounced their intention to build on the site of the old Burlington Coat Factory, shown above in red.  That building was actually damaged in the 9-11 attack and could rightfully be considered part of Ground Zero.  But no amount of fussing by us xenophobe redneck Zionist haters would deter these guys.  Mayor Bloomberg and the rest of the highly enlightened dismissed our complaints.  Then barry did what barry does - he stepped in this pile and started tracking it around on the White House carpet.  Suddenly this became a hot topic, and useful for conservatives to campaign on it.  Gee, all of a sudden the muzzies might want to backtrack?  Now?  How interesssting, the timing of all this!  Makes one wonder what's really going on.  Are the mooselimbs actually getting a clue?  Are the mooselimbs just showing the cowardice that typify a bully when confronted?  Is a certain pResident burning the phone lines between DC and NY, trying to get these guys to back off, and thereby getting that pResident's butt out of a sling?

I dunno.  But I'm increasingly confident this abomination will not be built.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Blogwar: V-P Day

ANOTHER UPDATE:  We're at or near a point in this nonsense where feelings are going to be hurt.  I'm done.  And my dog just pulled an entire (*@#$ crab off the counter and ate it shell and all.  I can't see how that passes through him safely.  I'm in no financial position to do anything drastic if there is a problem, and future daughter-in-law didn't bother to tell me until about it until 5 hours after-the-fact.  So I'm pretty well PO'd and not interested in continuing this.

UPDATE: Most blogs support gravatar images, and if you see something inane with my name on it but doesn't have a gravatar of Chance the Wondermutt running on the beach, you know it is phony.
Stuff that was below the fold deleted.  I'm done.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Blogwar: Prepare yourself to be underwhelmed

I've been hard at work refining the algorithm that my Compatibility Matrixtm evaluates matches on, but I've been interrupted by a Declaration of Blogwar from Patti.  Evidently the default settings for my template had left the "Followers (65)" text the same color as the background, rendering it unreadable to those who don't know the secret of "invisible ink": putting text the same color as the background SO IT IS ONLY VISIBLE WHEN SELECTED WITH THE MOUSE.  That's like Blogging 101 level stuff.  It's what happens when ya let girls try to use the computer.  :)

So now she's over at her place crowing about having 66 followers on her blahg and pleading for people to "come out of the closet" and Follow her, all while questioning MY tastes in blogging.  How dare she!  So I've now changed the color of the "Followers" text so she can fully appreciate the fury she hath loosed on the blogosphere.  There will be much carnage!  Picture in your mind (since I don't post many pictures) two really uncoordinated obese kids trying to hit each other with underinflated water balloons.  Yeah, that kind of carnage... Not for the faint of heart.  So if you want to go over there and express your dislike for her tactics, feel free.  Be polite, though, 'cuz beating up on girls is kinda rude.  But whatevah you do, stay in the closet and don't Follow her!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Don't know what else to do

My pastor's wife and blog-rival Patti has passed me up in "followers" again.  I've been stuck on 63 for a while, and last I saw she was up to 65.  She blogs mostly about girly stuff - babies, scrapbooking, friends, etc,  **shudder** which I guess is ok if you're into that kind of stuff.  Personally, I think friends and babies are WAY overrated and the world would be a better place without them.  But I gotta admit that it gets traffic.  Unlike my blog.  It gets nuttin'.  If everybody who comes here left me a dollar, I'd still have to raid the change in my car's ashtray to buy a Happy Meal.  Sad, really.  One would think that blogging about Chris Dodd's halitosis and posts about lighting hippies on fire would be a winning recipe.  Nope.

What to do?  Well, Patti had a traffic bonanza the other day by playing matchmaker.  Hmmm... What keeps me from doing the same thing?  Nothing! So what if I'm a loner with misanthropic tendencies - that shouldn't preclude me from offering relationship advice.  I am an excellent judge of character!  So, tell me what you're looking for in a relationship, and what you have to offer.  I'll plug that info into my patented Compatibility Matrix and get you hooked right up with the person of your dreams.  Best of all, this service is free!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

No sense of irony at all

Thank goodness for smart people and the smart people who elect them!  The latest grand scheme to reboot Oregon's moribund economy is the Oregon Sustainability Center - a new office tower in Portland, that will also have space for non-profits and some Portland State University classrooms.  What's the big deal, you ask?  Well, to begin with there is no shortage of empty office space already, thanks to a very unfriendly business climate that is chasing productive people out of state and/or putting them out of business.  What's "sustainable" about building more and more buildings when many are already vacant?

Then there's the cost.  Keep in mind that economy housing can be built for about $50 per sq ft.  A really nice house might be $100 per sq ft.  An outrageous luxury home might hit $200 per sq ft.  Typical commercial construction is around $120 per sq ft.  This "sustainable" project is going to be OVER $400 per square foot!  But wait, there's way more stupidity yet to be found in here.  This building will operate OFF THE GRID, functioning only on the solar power it can generate off it's own panels, and the only water will be WHATEVER RAINWATER THEY ARE ABLE TO CAPTURE off the roof.  Tenants of the building will be asked to "tolerate higher indoor temperatures in the summer and lower temperatures in the winter" than tenants of non-retarded commercial buildings nearby.  Do these morons even realize that "sun" for their power and "rain" for their water are kind of exclusive of each other?  Hey ecofreak - do you want to sit in the dark with a cool glass of rainwater, or turn on the lights and go thirsty?  Ya can't have both!

Now if this were just a tale of some self-congratulatory hippies gathering their own funds to put up a building wherein they could sweatily bask in their own sustainable non-air-conditioned body odor - I really wouldn't care.  But the Oregon University System is kicking in a lot of the $75 million this project requires.  Yes, public funds, at a time when everybody's b****ing about the state universities' funding problems.

A grossly overpriced building, extremely limited in its functionality, adjacent to scads of vacant (and superior) buildings counts as "sustainable" here.   Nuke Oregon now.  Please.

And the winner is...

...Amusing Bunni, the innomipoint champion!

Quite a few people participated, and I appreciate that.  Christopher, King Shamus, Moogie and Red put in particularly strong efforts in the finale.  But Amusing Bunni had built up a lead that proved insurmountable.  Classicaliberal didn't participate in the finale, but was able to coast into second with the points built up previously.  aA earned himself a podium finish by coming in third. 

Amusing Bunni (prophetically?) said months ago "If I win, don't send me a prize.  Instead give it to a local animal charity."  So sometime in the next few days I'll head down to Heartland Humane Society (the shelter where I got Chance the Wondermutt) to give them $20 in Amusing Bunni's name.  I haven't seen hide nor hair of Classicaliberal for a while.  Hopefully he'll start posting again soon and we can negotiate an appropriate 2nd Place prize.  aA has earned something for himself, too.  Probably a keychain with an innominatus logo on it or something like that.

Thanks again to all participants.  Give yourselves a round of applause and please observe safe gun handling rules when partaking of your celebratory gunfire!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Lovin' some DEFIANCE!

I've always had a thing for defiance.  When I was little my older cousin had one of those tacky velvet posters of an eagle swooping down on a mouse, and the scowling mouse held high a raised middle finger.  I thought it was the coolest of all cool things.  That attitude persists in me.  I genuinely get chills just at the thought of stuff like:
  • Siege of Bastogne: "NUTS!"
  • Admiral Farrugut: "Damn the torpedoes!  Full speed ahead!"
  • King Leonidas: "Molon Labe!"
  • Taffy 3 at the Battle of Leyte Gulf
  • Charge of the Light Brigade
I know I'm forgetting some whoppers, but you get the drift.  Today Allahpundit at Hot Air put up two back-to-back posts that are so crazy awesome they just may make this list.  First up, ya got Greg Gutfield putting in a gay muzzie bar right next to the utterly disgusting Ground Zero Mosque.  I'm not into homosexuality, mooselimbs or drinking alcohol.  Combine the three and you have just about the last place on earth I'd want to visit.  But right there adjacent to the GZM?  Dang!  Might have to dress up like Jamie Farr in Cannonball Run II and prance around with a Zima.  Spit in your eye... I will defy... and accessorize!

The other is a JetBlue flight attendant who just lost it in the middle of having a really bad day.  Grab the PA.  Cuss out your boss and customers.  Jack a couple beers off the serving cart.  Pop the emergency slide.  Glide down to the ground and write your name in the Chronicles of Awesomeness.  That's how it's done.

Michelle ruined her vacation!

I'm so mad!  I could... folks, please excuse my potty mouth, but I'm #@*&$ mad!  All my life I've wanted to go to Spain and the island of Majorca.  As you can probably guess just from looking at me, I'm a lifelong Democrat.  I even #@*&$ donated to #@*&$ Obama's campaign a couple years ago! 

So after my husband left me, I re-fi'd the house to get me a bunch of #@*&$ cash.  After that, like any good Democrat, I just told the #@*&$ bank to go ahead and #@*&$ try to evict me!  I ain't #@*&$ paid them a dime since, and that's goin' on a #@*&$ year now!  So I figured the time was right to finally go on a #@*&$ vacation.  I took my #@*&$ granddaughter and went to Spain, expecting to have a great #@*&$ time.

But noooooooooooooo....  Michelle and her #@*&$ entourage was there.  Everywhere I tried to go, the #@*&$ Secret Service had everything blocked off.  And I'll be #@*&$ if I could find a buffet anywhere in the whole #@*&$ country that Michelle hadn't just finished cleaning out!  #@*&$ !! 

When I wanted to take my granddaughter sunbathing down on the beach (you should see me in a #@*&$ bikini!) the lifeguard said "Be careful, there are reports of a tropical depression" I didn't realize he was talking about the dent that Michelle's #@*&$ butt left in the sand!  I barely climbed out of that sinkhole alive!  So all I got to show for this "once in a #@*&$ lifetime" trip is this stupid mug I bought at the airport.  Let my finger show you just how I feel about you now!  Next time around, I'm #@*&$ voting for Ron Paul!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The most boring post ever. No foolin'.

Attach your slobbercup before continuing.  This is going to be a tough read.  If you make it to the end, you really should query some knowledgeable authority to find out whether you still have a life or should maybe go and get one.  And don't comment, either.  I can't stand the idea of any of my readers being so pathetic that they'd actually read this...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Romney tries to shed "priveleged" image; fails

Watch out New Coke, Windows Vista, and Obama at the bowling alley... You have bold new competition for Most Outrageous MegaFail of All Time.  Yes, Willard "Mitt" Romney showed up at a fundraiser in a pickup truck.  Eager to boost his credibility with ordinary working-class Americans, Romney pointed out some blemishes in the paint: "Ya see here, a real Amurkin man don't much mind when his good ol' Amurkin-made pickemup truck gets a little ding.  It's like a badge of honor.  This'n here scratch came when that fat ***** flung open the door of her Maybach outside the Opera House and got my truck.  And that there splortch?  Yeppers, that's where a divot from the Martha's Vineyard Millionaires-Only Polo League Championship flew all the way to the valet parking area and struck my truck.  When I go muddin' like that, I kinda like to leave some of it on the truck for a few days 'fore I get ol' Hector to detail it.  'Cuz acourse a real man don't mind a little mud on his truck."

The assembled crowd offered only eyerolls and teehees, causing Mr. Romney to grow a tad indignant.  Pointing at a red #3 decal on the limo-tinted rear window of his truck, Mitt exclaimed "Look'n here!  I gots a Sandra Bernhardt memorial sticker on my truck.  Formula 1 just ain't been the same since ol' Sandy hit that wall!"  The crowd grew disinterested and began to disperse, so Mitt jumped up on the hood.  Slamming two cans of premium organic beer together a-la "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Mitt poured them all over his face while meowing a Howard Dean-ish "Yarg!"

Later that evening, an illegal laborer at Ming's Dry Cleaning reported a strange txt message had been sent to his phone.  "I receive request for best method to remove organic beer stain from $800 silk shirt from weird redneck man who call he self 'Mitt'.  I so confused."

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Kagan's on the Case

[CJ Roberts] "OK, the Senate has spoken! We have a new justice. Welcome, Justice Kagan!"

[Scalia] "Gack!  You, you, uh, look like Jon Lovitz in a blouse!  I don't think I can stand it!"

[Alito] "Anto, calm down!  You know that nominating fat, scab-ugly misfits is just barry's way of trying to make us retire."

[Scalia] "Yeah, and it's working!"

[Alito] "Anto! Seriously, we need to hold on!  Just hold on!  Aw, what am I saying?  I can't stand it either!"

Justice Alito leans over and yorks in a wastepaper basket.

[Thomas] "Sandra Day-O may have had more 'blond moments' than a drunken Pamela Anderson, and after a long day she may have had a passing resemblance to Nurse Ratched, but at least looking at ol' Sandy never caused me to want to shove a swizzle stick in my eye."

[Kennedy] "I don't see what's the big deal.  If I were attracted to women, I'd probably think any one of these three would be quite fine."

[Alito] "I object!  You aren't attracted to women, therefore you know not of which you speak and your testimony is invalid!"

[Roberts] "Sustained.  Gentleman, take it easy.  We must keep in mind that elections have consequences.  One consequence of the recent elections is a move towards 'positive rights' and another is recognition of the Consitution as a 'living, breathing document.'  Right now the Constitution can barely breath.  It's looking at you three and gagging."

[Ginsburg] "But I wasn't nominated by Prince Obama"

[Roberts] "Shaddap!  You fit the rest of our criteria.  And the living Constitution is saying we have a positive right to positively mandate that we positively wrap you three up in burqas.  For the good of the country."

[Sotomayor] "The Constitution says no such thing!  I've read almost all of it, I would know!"

[Roberts] "If the government can use the Commerce Clause to mandate everybody buy health insurance, then that same government can invoke the Welfare Clause to mandate that we don't have to look at you.  For the good of the country."

[Ginsburg] "He has a point.  We don't want to suddenly get all super-stricty-originalisty in our interpretations."

[Kagan, to Ginsburg] "Shaddap!"

[Roberts] "All in favor?, I mean, besides me?"

[Alito] "Aye!"

[Thomas] "Aye!"

[Scalia] "Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!" 

[Kennedy] "How weird! My navel never used to be an outie!"

[Roberts] "Umm, OK, let's just say the Ayes have it 4-3 with Kennedy abstaining and that other loser 'not present'.  Anto, you want the honors?"

[Scalia] "Gladly!"

Justice Scalia stuffs each of the crones into a burqa.

[Scalia] "There!  Much better!"

[Roberts] "Agreed.  The Supreme Court of the United States of America is now in session!"

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

One month to KICKOFF!

September 4th...September 4th...  I think I can make it 30 more days...

My Beavs start the season on the 4th against the TCU Horndogs at Jerry Jones' billion-dollar playpen ostentatious show of wealth Coyboy Stadium.  ESPN has already started the hype (sigh).  The pointyheaded sportswriters are saying my Beavers should compete for the Pac-10 title and maybe end up in the Rose Bowl.  If that's true, it'll be their best season in my lifetime, with the possible exception of the 41-9 stomping of Neutered Dame in the Fiesta about 10 years ago and a #4 ranking at the end of that season.

Unfortunately, non-conference road games early in the season have been BAD NEWS in Beaverland for years.  Perhaps there's an LSU fan reading this who remembers how my Beavs CHOKED down there a few years ago on several missed PAT kicks.  That's the kind of thing that happens.  Either that or somebody like Cincinnati makes us look like 8th graders.  Heck, most years the Midsoutheastern Kentucky Academy of Swine Herdsmanship would give us trouble if they were the first game on the schedule.  That's 'cuz we're famous for slow starts.  Then when we're just about written off, we go on about a 7 game win streak and end up in a middlin'-level bowl game and a ranking in the low 20s. 

So, what can I do differently this year?  What can I do (that isn't a felony :) to prevent another embarrassing, "make me want to drink hemlock" first-road-game faceplant? 


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