Thursday, August 5, 2010
Kagan's on the Case
[Scalia] "Gack! You, you, uh, look like Jon Lovitz in a blouse! I don't think I can stand it!"
[Alito] "Anto, calm down! You know that nominating fat, scab-ugly misfits is just barry's way of trying to make us retire."
[Scalia] "Yeah, and it's working!"
[Alito] "Anto! Seriously, we need to hold on! Just hold on! Aw, what am I saying? I can't stand it either!"
Justice Alito leans over and yorks in a wastepaper basket.
[Thomas] "Sandra Day-O may have had more 'blond moments' than a drunken Pamela Anderson, and after a long day she may have had a passing resemblance to Nurse Ratched, but at least looking at ol' Sandy never caused me to want to shove a swizzle stick in my eye."
[Kennedy] "I don't see what's the big deal. If I were attracted to women, I'd probably think any one of these three would be quite fine."
[Alito] "I object! You aren't attracted to women, therefore you know not of which you speak and your testimony is invalid!"
[Roberts] "Sustained. Gentleman, take it easy. We must keep in mind that elections have consequences. One consequence of the recent elections is a move towards 'positive rights' and another is recognition of the Consitution as a 'living, breathing document.' Right now the Constitution can barely breath. It's looking at you three and gagging."
[Ginsburg] "But I wasn't nominated by Prince Obama"
[Roberts] "Shaddap! You fit the rest of our criteria. And the living Constitution is saying we have a positive right to positively mandate that we positively wrap you three up in burqas. For the good of the country."
[Sotomayor] "The Constitution says no such thing! I've read almost all of it, I would know!"
[Roberts] "If the government can use the Commerce Clause to mandate everybody buy health insurance, then that same government can invoke the Welfare Clause to mandate that we don't have to look at you. For the good of the country."
[Ginsburg] "He has a point. We don't want to suddenly get all super-stricty-originalisty in our interpretations."
[Kagan, to Ginsburg] "Shaddap!"
[Roberts] "All in favor?, I mean, besides me?"
[Scalia] "Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!"
[Kennedy] "How weird! My navel never used to be an outie!"
[Roberts] "Umm, OK, let's just say the Ayes have it 4-3 with Kennedy abstaining and that other loser 'not present'. Anto, you want the honors?"
Justice Scalia stuffs each of the crones into a burqa.
[Scalia] "There! Much better!"
[Roberts] "Agreed. The Supreme Court of the United States of America is now in session!"