Monday, August 30, 2010

Welcome to my nightmare


In the not so distant future, a militaristic China will come to collect on our debt.  Many will accede to their demands.  The spineless powers-that-be in DC will acquiesce in order to maintain their positions of comfort, like the Vichy of days gone by.  Some will resist.  They will take up arms.  They will fail.  They will be imprisoned behind fences and razor-wire.  And their meager rations will consist solely of...






These. 








Man and child alike will curse his fate.  In the evening stills, each will say to himself "Had I only known it would be this bad, I would have fought harder.  I would never have let them take me alive!"  They will scheme up dramatic plans for escape, while knowing sadly that the heavy bloat in their gut would prevent them from ever accomplishing such a thing.

OK, ok.  I know.  A little heavy on the drama, there.  But those pancakes are awful.  Last night after church, we got home a little late and nobody felt like cooking a real meal.  I scanned the contents of the freezer and found a box of frozen pancakes.  "Cool!" I thought to myself, as I dig on breakfast foods at any hour of the day and I was in the mood for something mild.  I was surprised to find that my wife had bought them, as she makes a pretty darned good pancake the old-fashioned way.  So I plopped a few in the toaster... The brand name "Krusteaz" should have been a tip-off that something bad was about to happen.  When the name of a product I'm about to eat conjures mental images of me chipping indeterminate goo out of an old bathtub with a chisel, I should probably stop and consider the direction my life is headed in.  But no...  They looked pretty decent and smelled alright as they were toasting. 

Add some butter and some syrup and take a bite... What the??? It tasted like an undercooked biscuit between two layers of thin cardboard.  The outside was hard but the innards were still kind of doughy.  More butter...  OK, that softened up the "shell" but it still tastes like crap.  More syrup...  Now the darned things are delaminating, like how the paper layer comes off a piece of waterlogged sheetrock.  But being a lazy old turd, I wasn't about to cook something else.  So I kept eating.  These stupid things are only about the size of a CD - I toasted 4 and should have been able to down them all with ease, but after 2.5, I was feeling VERY full.  The remainder became doggie treats.  Then as I tried to sleep, with bulging belly, the HEARTBURN kicked in.  C'mon!  It's a friggin' pancake, not a jalapeño chili pizza with extra grease!  Unbelievable, miserable, largely sleepless night.


15 hours later and I still don't feel quite right.  While searching up an internet image of these abominations, I found that amazon.com has an online grocery store, and they'll even deliver to your door. Yikes.  They want $3.24 for a pack of these.  Is anyone that stupid?  That'd be like paying the neighborhood brat $3.24 to deliver a sack of flaming feline feces to your front porch.  Avoid these like they're toxic.  Because I'm pretty sure they are.

5 comments:

  1. Wow...I'll avoid them (and being taken captive by the Red Chinese -- or having the obama administration selling me into slavery to pay off his lavish debts).

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's like ,"The Stuff". You don't know what it's made of.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Damn if that don't look good, no matter what you say.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well this is a level-one, top-notch old geezer rant of the first order. I agree with you 100% on every point. Cuz I'm a geezer. And I really don't like pancakes that aren't hand made by hand. Hands of someone in the immediate vicinity.

    Those gut-bombs they pass off so easily are, I think, made for us to not-so=easily pass off, if you know what I mean. I think it is a Chinese plot to make our bowels, and thus our populace sluggish and depressed.

    SO AMERICA, make your own pancakes!

    Thanks Innominatoid, you're a regular Geraldo Rivera!

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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