Apologies to Dan Fogelburp

Yeah, Paul Shanklin doesn't really need to worry about me taking his job any time soon. As my friends at church say "You don't sing worth a phbbbt but you do a pretty good, um, 'joyous noise.' "

I do hereby give you my first homebrew .mp3

BALLAD OF ALBERT GORE

Lyrics and liner notes:

An obese man alone and wild, A coal magnate's son
Hired her to do some work on his adductors and his bunz.
Hockey stick show out on the road, hypocritic ways
Demanded Cap-n-Trade taxes we never could repay.

A lefty politician denied historic fate
Tried to be the president once
Hanging chads and Bush and hate
He earned his dough through deception
That blowhard wooden man
His ruthless way of fudging data
Took me years to understand.

The wiener in his hand is tired
Tipper's love has long grown cold
But his blood runs through his instrument
Second chakra still on hold --
His life has been a poor attempt
To get a happy end
Al Gore's a raving lunatic
With his wiener in his hand.

Al Gore's the King of Moonbats
With his wiener in his hand.

For those who are interested, this was recorded on Audacity, a freebie multitrack sound editor I found at sourceforge.  The acoustic is a hand-me-down Matao done in two tracks: one strummed, another (poorly) fingerpicked.  It doesn't have pickups, so I scotch taped my $9 PC microphone to the body of the guitar near the soundhole.  The bass track was done on a cheapo Gibson Squire bass.  The frightful vocals were done on the same $9 PC mike, and an the ending was done on an econo Ibanez GRX40 through a tiny little Crate amp with all its knobs turned to "ludicrously obnoxious."

I'm still an utter novice at this, and wouldn't mind hearing from any of you that may be more experienced at this.  I also think it would be fun if a bunch of us downloaded Audacity and then each contributed a few lines to a redneck/Tea Party remix of We Are the World. 

Thanks a lot Spain, now we're all gonna die!

Freshman year at OSU, my dorm roomie and I covered the back of our door with corkboard.  Attached to the dartboard were clipped newspaper pix of various d-nozzles we couldn't stand, which we would then throw darts at.  There was Gorbachev, Teddy K, Michael Dukakitch in his tank, etc, etc.  One of the pix was of Kurt Vonnegut sitting indian-style.  Anybody who's dart got Kurt in the groin was exempted from having to chip in during the next beer run.

Why Kurt Vonnegut?  Well, he certainly met the d-nozzle prerequisite.  And in high school AP English we had to read Ice-9.  What a bunch of garbage.  So a few minutes ago I was flipping through Instapundit and found a link to some psycho Spaniards who have created room temperature ice!  Is this how Spain wants to play?  "Señor Americano, por favor give us beellions of dollars to bail out our failed economy, or I drop this seed crystal in the ocean and everybody dies!"

Kurt Vonnegut may have croaked a couple years ago, but it is not too late for us to go to Spain and throw darts at these scientists' groinal regions.  ¡Vamanos!

Can't fight the suck

Captain!  We're receiving a sub-space message from Black Hole Theta-M7-C.  It's a webpage graphic and some text.  It is coming from the Black Hole itself!!






Open a channel.  Onscreen.

Oh my!

Spock, explanation?

Fascinating.  That he is even pResident is illogical. 

Captain, I have the text message.  The Black Hole is saying "I am a Black Hole.  I suck.  I seriously suck.  Hard.  But look at this loser.  He's been bouncing along at around -20 on his approval.  How am I supposed to compete with that kind of suck?  He makes me look like I barely suck at all.  I can't stand it.  I can't live with myself any longer.  It is time to admit defeat and implode to nothingness, along with the nascent universe contained within my event horizon."

Great work, barry!  You've destroyed a whole universe!  I can't wait for November!!!!!

More inboxy goodness

These pics come from a friend from church.  I don't know these guys, nor do I know the story behind the deer.  Pretty neat pix, though, ain't they?  Click to McBiggieSize.

Innomipoint Finale: Riddle of the Sphincts!!

Finally!  It's done!  Scoring will be mainly based on the riddle answers.  Dropping comments that explain your reasoning at various points may lead to points, too.  There are some blatant pop-culture and computer geek references, and some other little messages that are kind of hidden.  Pointing them out will be worth some bonus points, too, but it'll mostly come down to the riddle answers.  Have fun, and I REALLY, REALLY hope all the links work right.

BEGIN QUEST

You'll probably die a lot.  That's OK.  Just hit your back button or start over!  As usual, if you're a newbie and want to play catch-up, hit the "innomipoint contest" in the labels part of the right-hand column and play along.

Congressional approval 11%?!?!?

Polling outfit Gallup tells us today that congressional approval has dropped to 11%. Yes, it is now so low that the polydactyl kid down the street can tally congressional approval on his fingers. Of course Gallup's reputation has been tainted of late, having only slightly less taint than a BLT sandwich w/ extra mayo that's been out in the sun all afternoon. So some follow-up research was called for.  It turns out they were right for once.  Research shows that the Americans fall neatly into 11% segments, of which there are 9.  Rounding errors and schizoid lefties trying to count each of their multiple personalities make up the remaining 1%.  Overlaying these figures on a standard left/right political continuum gives us a chart like this:

Each of the nine groups is called a nonile.  You have probably heard of percentile (broken down into 100 parts), quintile (broken down into 5 parts), pedophile (mayor Adams of Portland) and now you know about noniles.  Congratulations!

1.  This nonile disapproves of Congress because they are really disappointed that America still exists.  They were convinced that handing all the power to democrats would bring about near-instantaneous eco-socialism.  That we are only a few months away from the next election cycle with America only about two-thirds FUBAR makes these people really sad.

2.  This is the nonile that approves of Congress.  It is miraculous that people in this nonile have survived to adulthood without choking to death from aspirating their own slobber. 

3.  This nonile secretly approves of Congress but is afraid to admit it.  People in this segment tend to be the "token conservatives" who make their living appearing on MSNBC talking about how the Republicans would dominate if only they'd embrace amnesty.

4.  People in this nonile think American Exceptionalism peaked with the invention of spray cheese in a can.  Most have been on unemployment for two years now, and disapprove of Congress only for taking so long to grant another extension of unemployment bennies.

5.  People in this nonile are totally apolitical and clueless.  Their polling answers pretty much depend on whether the pollster on the other end of the phone has a sexy voice.  Apparently he/she didn't, this time.

6.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress because their favorite baseball team is having an off year.

7.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress because there has been so little bipartisanship from either party.  When confronted with the fact that they are whiny beeches who don't belong on our side, they try to hide behind Lindsay Graham's 82% lifetime ACU voting record.

8.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress and eagerly look forward to the elections in November when they can give Capitol Hill a much-needed cleansing.  They read blogs like Red State and give money to RomneyPAC.

9.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress and would read blogs like innominatus if they had any idea I existed.  These people would like to beat members of Congress with arm-length sections of garden hose before chasing them with pitchforks. 

First Gun Experiences

So the big items in the news are: the JournoList losers colluding to call us racists while stifling coverage of actual racism; Shirley Sherrod, late of USDA who may or not be a racist and the righty outrage about the issue that may or may not be racist itself; and what's left of the racist New Black Panther voter intimidation case.

Racists here, racists there, racists, racists everywhere!  SICK OF IT!  So let's shift gears.  I ain't got no funny right now so I'll go for sentimental...

When I was a kid, my family had membership in a club called Sportsman's Park.  It was just past the edge of town and featured handgun, rifle, blackpowder, skeet and trap ranges.  There was also a pond full of bluegill and trails everywhere.  Along the trails there were plywood cutouts with pictures of deer, cougar, etc, that could be made to pop up and/or ride along ropes and pulleys.  These trail areas were strictly for hikers and archery fans.  I don't know much about artillery pieces, but there was something that seemed like a howitzer but instead of being towed around it appeared to be self-propelled.  It was disabled and on static display, so we kiddies could climb on it and pretend we were blowing the bacheezus out of whatever imaginary bad guys
were on our minds.  Of course there were also plenty of picnic tables and a pretty good playgound.  It was little kid paradise.

Then one day my dad decided I was old enough to start learning how to shoot.  I don't remember how old I was - probably around 7 - but I do remember the gun was an old Marlin Model 39 .22 with the octagonal barrel.  For those who may not know what I'm talking about, picture an old cowboy-style lever action.  After going through multiple iterations of the basic gunhandling rules with me, he had me start firing and I did quite well.  The little lever could also handle .22 shorts.  When (tediously) loading that tubular magazine, it seemed like it would hold an endless number of the little rounds.  Then when shooting, that same magazine seemed to empty out in a heck of a hurry!

Not much later - I was 8, I think - dad bought me MY OWN GUN!  Whooo!  A Browning BL22 Grade II lever action.  It was used but one wouldn't know it.  It was in perfect shape.  The Grade II models had engraved receivers and more brightly polished wood.  It had similar function and layout as the Marlin so there was no real learning curve to deal with.  Typically the family would head to Sportsman's Park right around dinnertime to avoid the crowds.  I can't begin to guess how many rounds of I put through those little guns, but a brick of .22 never had much of a life expectancy around our house.  Dad usually shot something more "consequential" while lil' bro and I used our .22s to put holes in the paper targets, pinecones, and whatever else was safe and available.

Of course part of shooting is the clean up.  After every trip, we'd scatter a nice thick layer of newspapers over the livingroom carpet and start disassembling stuff right there on the floor.  Maybe I'm weird, but I've always thought that gun cleaning solvent always had a nice smell to it.  Cleaning rods and brushes and patches and dirty newspapers and the smell of gun cleaning solvent...  Those were the days!

The much anticipated beat up innominatus open thread

Yeah, I missed my self-imposed deadline.  I'm only about a 1/3 of the way done, but there is some "framework" now that'll help me wrap it up.  What I wanted to do through some clever programming has proved futile, so I'm reduced to a blunt-force method of publishing about 30 posts all at once to get the same effect.  The weather over the weekend was just too nice to sit in front of the 'puter as long as it would have taken to make the deadline.  Ah, well.  Here's a thread you can give me a digital beatdown if you so choose. Oh, and a few other little random things that don't quite rate posts of their own.

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I'm officially done listening to Savage.  Wish I had good enough reception at work to have more choices, so I told the local affiliate that I'm done and will instead listen to music.  The "banned in Britain" thing has been boring as heck for a long time, but then making light of Glenn Beck's eye problems is a deal-breaker.  Finis.

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So I put it on the oldies station.  They played an ELO song.  I never before realized how much ELO was just a bunch of wanna-be Beatles.  One batch of Beatles is more than enough, K?

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I was roughhousing with the dogs on Saturday and the big boy doggie headbutted right in the eyebrow area.  Felt like being punched.  I don't bruise easily so there wasn't much visible damage.  But IT HURT!  And it still hurts!  Yes, I'm whining!  It's what I do!

Lie-nerd Sky-nerd

pResident Obama is walking lightheartedly along the Rose Garden.  He whistles a familiar tune as a Virginia Slim is clenched tightly 'twixt his lips.  How he accomplishes these two mutually-exclusive things remains unclear as Joe Biden approaches.

[Biden] "Mr. President, you sure have a spring in your step.  'Spritely' I might even call it.  In light of all the bad news we've had lately, how can this be?"

[Obama] "Joe, you only see bad news because you only think short-term.  They don't call it the 'Long March' without reason.  See, I'm a student of pop culture.  Particularly rock music.  Not that I am a big fan of that racist tripe, but it is a reliable indicator of the national mood."

[Biden] "Whoa...  That sounds, like, heavy, man!"

[Obama] "Think back to rock music from about 10, 15 years ago, around the end of Clinton's term.  Every song was pretty much 'everything sucks and I wish I was dead.'  Then look at the music from the end of Bush's term - it was pretty much 'everything sucks so I wanna start a fight.' "

[Biden] "You're right.  There have been a lot of songs lately about punching people and stuff."

[Obama] "Exactly.  But that is beginning to change.  Earlier today I was out on the golf course.  That fat kid that drives the zamboni thing that gathers balls off the driving range had his boombox turned up loud enough to hear some of his music.  I was amazed.  I didn't think it would all come together so quickly."

[Biden] "What did you hear?"

[Obama] "I couldn't hear all the words, but it went something like this:

♪♫Big wheels keep on turning
'lectric car to see my kin
Singing songs about the South Side
I miss al-Obama once again
And I think its a sin, yes

Well I heard Limbaugh talk about him
Well, I heard ole Rush put him down
Well, I hope Limbaugh will remember
A South Side man don't need him around anyhow


Sweet home al-Obama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home al-Obama
Lord, I'm coming home to you♪♫"

[Biden] "But sir, that isn't what that song..."

[Obama, interrupting] "Yeah, I know.  Most people don't know their proper Arabic.  Remember Saddam?  His full name was Saddam Hussein al-Tikriti, because he was from Tikrit.  In Arabic, the 'al-' prefix means 'from' or 'man of' but these youngsters writing this new song mistakenly used my name as if it were a place.  My full name would be something like Barack Hussein Obama al-Kenyahoo or something like that.  I don't expect them to understand yet.  But they will.  That they are even trying to incorporate Islamic imagery into pop culture already shows just how far I've already come. But the song continues

♪♫In DC they love the President, mmm, mmm, mmm
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Not compared to what we gonna do
Fudge the truth

Sweet home al-Obama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home al-Obama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Here I come al-Obama

Now Jindal has got the tarballs
And he's been known to pick a boog or two
Lord he ticks me off so much
Wanna turn Louisiana back to blue
Now how about you?

Sweet home al-Obama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home al-Obama
Lord, I'm coming home to you♪♫

See? Pretty cool, huh?  So Joe, wanna go out to the green and try to make a few putts with me?"

[Biden, facepalm behind barry's back] "Yeah, um, sure thing, sir."

A day in the life...

People are always asking me what it is like to be a world-famous, independently wealthy, hawt-enough-to-be-on-a-magazine-cover blogger.  It starts kind of like this:

Oldest boy's fiancée just had surgery on her shoulder and can't really take care of the baby very well, so she's staying with us for a few weeks while her hubby-to-be is out of town.  It has been hot here lately, and all we have is one of those stick-it-in-the-window air conditioners that's about the size of a kid's lunchbox.  We've been parking the baby's swing close to the AC since the darned thing ain't really big enough to chill the whole house.  Next thing ya know, the house has picked up a funky smell.

"Dunno what that is, just spray some more air freshener."

The next day it was a little worse and all of a sudden there's a damp spot on the carpet by the baby's swing.

"Crud!  The dogs are getting tired of the crying baby and are expressing themselves in an unsanitary manner!"

The next day it was unbearable and we noticed part of the carpet was sopping wet.  Wifeypoo moved some furniture to and sucked up most of it with our carpet shampooer.  Still stinky.

"Toxic mold can kill, but mostly it only leads to neurological conditions like chronic headaches and blindness, so we have nothing to worry about."

It wasn't getting much better so we pulled up the carpet and the padding.  Turns out we hadn't noticed the little AC unit had been bumped and tipped inward just a little.  So all the condensation was running down the wall behind the couch instead of out the drain in the back.  That little box has been running full-blast 24/7 for a while and it spits out a surprising amount of condensation.  Thankfully everything is pretty much dry now.  But it looked like it was going to be a big problem.  Through it all, some among us just didn't get too bothered by it:

.
.

Note to landlord:   If you by chance should happen to read this, we did not, repeat NOT, through inaction and inattentiveness almost ruin your house.  (wink-wink) Everything said above is just a bunch of hoo-hah backstory to give me a reason to post that pic.

But wait, there's more!

This weekend is "da Vinci Days" in my town.  Promoters call it "A Celebration of Art, Science and Technology." I rather call it an infernal gathering of talentless musicians and hippies of every stripe.  Ya got the graybeard oldschool hippies peddling their hand-blown "glassware" that is "only to be used for tobacco."  Then there are the "just finished my master's degree in Ancient Celtic Misogyny but don't have a job" hippies who demonstrate how to power an old diesel Mercedes on strained beets.  Lastly, there are the "arrogant overpaid hipsters who don't think they're hippies" hippies riding around on recumbent bikes sippin' soy lattes while telling everybody else to step aside so they can get a better view of the Kinetic Sculpture Race.  And then there's always some butthair talking about the joys of geocaching.  Gag.

The whole thing is repulsive.  It also disrupts traffic.  There is not one bit of good to be found in any of it.  It isn't often that I earnestly wish the earth to open up and swallow thousands of people, but this weekend is going to be one of those times.

BP is evil yanqui capitalist corporation!

A guest editorial by Pepe.

Hello, my name is Pepe and I am a loyal citizen of glorious People's Socialist Democratic Glorious Communist Nation of Cuba.  Every día I go with my faithful proletariat mongel dog, Lupe, to glorious People's beach to gather up the tárbols left from the BP spill.  These tárbols have very much uses to me.  One time I put tárbol in deeferential of '53 Studebaker and the deeferential stop with that squeaking noise.  You know that noise, the one like Fran Drescher being electrocuted?  Sí, that noise gone now.  Also, since the gas utility in glorious People's Socialist land of Cuba so unreliable, I use the tárbol on fire to cook the glorious socialist taro paste at mealtime.  With tárbol, first time I eat the taro paste without the nausea ever since la revolución.

Now the glorious socialist newspaper report that the BP has plugged the d*mn hole and soon no more tárbols for Pepe.  And you yanquis always wonder why so many the people hate you.  The evil yanqui corporations always try to screw over the poor humble proletariat man like Pepe.  That is why. 

Meester Obama, unplug that hole!

Blog worth checkin' out

Please take a minute and check out a new blog called Race for Justice.  It's pretty cool.  And I'm not just saying that because the blogger over there has access to full-auto weaponry - though that is a contributing factor.  A secondary benefit of you clicking over there is that the author's sister owes me a cookie and I'm really starting to doubt whether she's ever gonna pay up.  So let's go over to her brother's blog and click "Follow" until he has more followers than her and she's shamed into giving up the cookie.

COMING SOON! - Innomipoint wrap up: Riddle of the Sphincts

A long time ago I started a little pseudo-trivia contest.  I figured that I'd post some questions every few days for a month or two and then declare a winner, who would receive a yet-to-be determined prize.  Prolly a $20 gift card or something along those lines.  Well, the dreaded Triumvirate of Procrastination, Busyness & Indifference means I've never gotten around to finishing.  What I have in mind has turned out to be quite a challenge to create.  It might not be all that funny or educational, but what I'm working on for you  HAS NEVER BEEN DONE ON A BLOG!!!  At least on none that I've ever read.  Seriously.  It should be genuinely unique.

Since I've taken so long to do this, a lot of the more recent readers I've acquired lately (thanks!) probably have no idea what I'm talking about.  If you wanna play catch-up, click the "innomipoint contest" label in the right-hand column and have at it.


I hope to have this ready to go live on Monday.  I'm posting this now to create some pressure on myself to git 'r done this weekend.  I'm one of those people that, if I don't have a deadline, I don't do much.  So this is my self-imposed deadline.  If I don't make this deadline, I expect you to nag me mercilessly and maybe even say rude things about me on your own blogs.  Accountability - it's a good thing!

Tune played today on Lars Larson

I think the freepers had this first, then I heard it today on Lars.  Good subject matter, decent song and video.  But I dunno about the twinkly techno/synth sound.  I say remix with a howling guitar, gain/drive/volume all turned up to 11 and let it rip.  That would be my new Favoritest Song Ever.

An urgent appeal from Senator DeMint

Greetings to my fellow citizens of South Carolina, and interested parties throughout our great nation.  I write to you this day to seek your support in winning the next election.  You see, a cinderella story of sorts is taking place here.  Mr. Alvin Green has come from nowhere, (like Groundskeeper Carl on the 17th hole at Augusta) to win the democrat nomination.  Now it is well documented that Mr. Green is an alleged sex felon, and also certifiably "one nacho short of a fiesta platter."  One might think that my re-election would be a given, but I assure you that it is not.  Please consider the following scenarios:

"Honey, it's 'bout times we head down to the pollin' place."

"Now you listen here, I just now sat down and opened my beer.  I ain't gettin' up again, 'specially since our man DeMint's gonna squarsh that democrat like a Peterbilt backin' over a junebug."

"Fine, you just sit there.  I'm goin' down to vote."

"You license is still 'spended from after that DUI.  You ain't goin' nowhars.  DeMint's gonna win, so you can just relax and heat me up some more of that frozen salisbury steak."

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"DeMint is awesome!  He's going to shred that liberal idiot pervert Army washout like a jihadist on the end of my bayonet!  But the darned elections office always screws up the absentee votes from deployed service members and DeMint is going to slaughter his opponent anyway.  Why waste time voting over a foregone conclusion when  I could be out killing more of our enemy?"

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"I don't care if he is a sex offender!  I gotta remain true to my race and vote for the brother!"

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"I don't care if he is a sex offender!  I will never, ever vote for a Rethuglican!  Besides, how awesome would it be if Super-Con DeMint got beat by a black sex offender?  Whooo!"

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"I dunno.  Green thinks we can get out of the recession by selling Alvin Green dolls.  That's a better plan that anything Obama has come up with so far.  So yeah, I guess I'll vote for him."

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"Dude, can you believe that Alvin dude won the primary, dude?"

"Man, let's burn some bowls and then go down and vote for him, man!" 

"Heh, yeah, dude!  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Deep fried twinkies, man?"

"Heh!  No, dude.  I think I'm gonna like carve out a little plastic blunt for my little Alvin action figure to smoke on."

"Man, you're like just a fat lazy stoner.  You never finish a project."

"Dude, you're right.  But I bet Tweeker Jerry would do it for me, dude."

"Man, that's awesome!  Now let's get out there and vote!  And then get a really big box of twinkies!"

Seriously.  How many people in South Carolina DON'T fall into one of those categories?  Can you see the trouble I'm in?!?  Please, please!  I need your vote!

Moonbat psychosis

Ever wonder what happens when moonbat psychosis goes untreated?  You get nonsense like this.  This happened yesterday in a town a couple hours' drive east of me.  Occasional innominatus reader Jadefellow lives out that way - I shoulda asked him to go videotape the "event."

Anyway, Canada Geese are superabundant around here.  When they fly south for the winter, they consider Oregon "south" and come here in great numbers.  Many overstay their visas and stay year-round.  Unfortunately they are LOUD (honk! honk!) and poop a lot.  You've probably heard the cliché "like s___ through a goose" right?  Yeah.  Wisdom to be found in that phrase.  I've heard these guys drop as much as 1.25 lbs apiece EACH DAY.  My old boss had a pond (guessin' about 2 acres - decent sized body of water) on his land.  The goosedoo messed up the pH of the pond such that all the bluegill and just about everything else in the pond died.  Except the algae, which went bucknutty and totally took over.  These birds are basically noisy airborne poo factories.  If Ahmadinejad had them, we'd accuse him of using biological weapons.  And like I said, they are very common around here.  Killing the ones in the park IS NOT A TRAGEDY! 

I just wish I was at the memorial to witness the moonbat blubberings over the dead geese.  I'm envisioning something of a cross between Rainbow Dude and that Mourning Forest Hippies vid.  "It was so sad to see a goose led to the gas chamber.  Just like Hitler and the Jews.  Save the Joose!  Or is it Jeese?  I'm so confused, let's burn patchoulli in an offering to Gaia!"

Anyway, such is life in the Northwest...

Need to build my conservative cred

The other day Reaganite Republican linked up a questionnaire.  The answers go into some kind of calculathingy and end up on a 2-axis graph of political leanings.  In the authoritarian/libertarian axis, I was just barely libertarian - pretty much right on the line.  The other axis is a more traditional left-right.  Of course I ended up on the right.  But not far right.  Not NEARLY far enough right.  I need to do some things to enhance my rightedness.  The first things to pop into my mind were to shoot some terrorists and buy some stocks.  I know that would help, but what else should I do?  I'm desperate.  I'll take any suggestions you can offer, and put them immediately into action!

Biden Journals: The Secret Excerpts

July 7, 2004
Dear Diary,

It's been a couple days since the fireworks "episode" on the 4th.  I'm happy to report that I can pretty much walk normally, but being seated for extended periods remain out of the question.  Doc says give it a few more days and use a lot of neosporin.  Also, Jill brought home something called a "DVD Player."  Wow.  It like has a whole movie on a CD.  The first DVD we watched was "The Lion King" and it has extra features that don't appear on the VHS version.  I think the most amazing part is how the cartoonists were able to draw so small.  Seriously, how small would each animation cel have to be in order to fit a whole movie on one CD?  Crazy!

This morning we were running low on salt and bacon just isn't bacon without some extra salt.  Then I remembered that little teabag thing that came in the DVD box.  The one that says "Silica Gel: Do Not Eat."  It is sad that people are so stupid that they need to be warned not to eat teabags.  Since it looks like salt, I dunked the teabag thing in some hot water and spread the resulting slurry on the bacon.  It looked really, really good, but it tasted like yellow PowerBait dunked in lacquer thinner.  And I don't mean that as hyperbole, like when people say something like "Joe smells worse than a Sumo wrestler taking a dump in a burning portapotty."  C'mon, wow many of us have really even met a Sumo wrestler?  I hate those kinds of exaggerations.  It really did taste like PowerBait dunked in lacquer thinner.  But I don't think it is necessary to review how I know what PowerBait dipped in lacquer thinner tastes like.  That is already well established.


Well, Diary, that's it for now.  Toodles!

Different kind of humor

The stuff below is a straight copy/paste from my inbox so the formatting, colors, etc will likely look weird.   Oh well.  

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Why the apology ??????

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.          These are good  JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.  Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"  DeGaulle did not respond.   You could have heard a pin drop.  When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.  He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders.  The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."   You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intend to do, bomb them?"  A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:  "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"   You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"  Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."  You could have heard a pin drop.   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...  Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.  "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked  sarcastically.  Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.  "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."  The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."  "Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"  The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.  Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.

Here's that ringtone

Here it is in .mp3 format.  I'm guessing you'll wanna right-click and "save target as" to snag a copy of your own.  Hopefully it really is that simple.  But if this post appears multiple times in your feedreader, that means I screwed it up!

Happy 4th!!

A friend of mine from church has my new favorite ringtone.  He's recently retired from the USMC and when you call his phone you first hear some Middle Eastern music with some guy yelling something in Arabic.  Then the yelling is interrupted by gunfire and it segues into The Star Spangled Banner.  Awesome.  If I can get a copy as a .wav or an .mp3 I'll post it here.

So, Happy 4th!  And kids, remember: when you're playing with the fireworks tonight, be extra careful - make sure you end up with the same number of fingers you started with.  Unless, of course, you find a really cool one you'd like to add to your collection!