Thursday, July 22, 2010

Congressional approval 11%?!?!?

Polling outfit Gallup tells us today that congressional approval has dropped to 11%. Yes, it is now so low that the polydactyl kid down the street can tally congressional approval on his fingers. Of course Gallup's reputation has been tainted of late, having only slightly less taint than a BLT sandwich w/ extra mayo that's been out in the sun all afternoon. So some follow-up research was called for.  It turns out they were right for once.  Research shows that the Americans fall neatly into 11% segments, of which there are 9.  Rounding errors and schizoid lefties trying to count each of their multiple personalities make up the remaining 1%.  Overlaying these figures on a standard left/right political continuum gives us a chart like this:


Each of the nine groups is called a nonile.  You have probably heard of percentile (broken down into 100 parts), quintile (broken down into 5 parts), pedophile (mayor Adams of Portland) and now you know about noniles.  Congratulations!

1.  This nonile disapproves of Congress because they are really disappointed that America still exists.  They were convinced that handing all the power to democrats would bring about near-instantaneous eco-socialism.  That we are only a few months away from the next election cycle with America only about two-thirds FUBAR makes these people really sad.

2.  This is the nonile that approves of Congress.  It is miraculous that people in this nonile have survived to adulthood without choking to death from aspirating their own slobber. 

3.  This nonile secretly approves of Congress but is afraid to admit it.  People in this segment tend to be the "token conservatives" who make their living appearing on MSNBC talking about how the Republicans would dominate if only they'd embrace amnesty.

4.  People in this nonile think American Exceptionalism peaked with the invention of spray cheese in a can.  Most have been on unemployment for two years now, and disapprove of Congress only for taking so long to grant another extension of unemployment bennies.

5.  People in this nonile are totally apolitical and clueless.  Their polling answers pretty much depend on whether the pollster on the other end of the phone has a sexy voice.  Apparently he/she didn't, this time.

6.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress because their favorite baseball team is having an off year.

7.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress because there has been so little bipartisanship from either party.  When confronted with the fact that they are whiny beeches who don't belong on our side, they try to hide behind Lindsay Graham's 82% lifetime ACU voting record.

8.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress and eagerly look forward to the elections in November when they can give Capitol Hill a much-needed cleansing.  They read blogs like Red State and give money to RomneyPAC.

9.  People in this nonile disapprove of Congress and would read blogs like innominatus if they had any idea I existed.  These people would like to beat members of Congress with arm-length sections of garden hose before chasing them with pitchforks. 

8 comments:

  1. I like group 9. Where's my pitchfork...

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  2. Dude, can I be in the 9th nonile as well? I'm an angry gun-toting meat eating person. I need representation.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like group 9 also. I'll be happy to be beat these congresscriminals with just about anything in which they would feel pain.

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  4. 11%? That seems kind of high. Maybe some people misunderstood the poll and thought they meant, you know, the sexy kind of congress, if you catch my drift. wink wink.

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  5. Of course it's dropped to 11%, but they don't care as long as they can run our lives.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Why does everyone pick on Lindsey Graham?

    ReplyDelete
  7. People in my nonile have journolist-style fantasies of their congressman chained to a post in the middle of the desert and torn apart by ravenous, but slightly bored, coyotes...

    Not that we'd ever share that with anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't have a pitchfork or a torch, but I do have a garden trowel and a Bic lighter. Can I play with you nine-ish guys?

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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