Tuesday, July 13, 2010

An urgent appeal from Senator DeMint

Greetings to my fellow citizens of South Carolina, and interested parties throughout our great nation.  I write to you this day to seek your support in winning the next election.  You see, a cinderella story of sorts is taking place here.  Mr. Alvin Green has come from nowhere, (like Groundskeeper Carl on the 17th hole at Augusta) to win the democrat nomination.  Now it is well documented that Mr. Green is an alleged sex felon, and also certifiably "one nacho short of a fiesta platter."  One might think that my re-election would be a given, but I assure you that it is not.  Please consider the following scenarios:



"Honey, it's 'bout times we head down to the pollin' place."
"Now you listen here, I just now sat down and opened my beer.  I ain't gettin' up again, 'specially since our man DeMint's gonna squarsh that democrat like a Peterbilt backin' over a junebug."
"Fine, you just sit there.  I'm goin' down to vote."
"You license is still 'spended from after that DUI.  You ain't goin' nowhars.  DeMint's gonna win, so you can just relax and heat me up some more of that frozen salisbury steak."

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"DeMint is awesome!  He's going to shred that liberal idiot pervert Army washout like a jihadist on the end of my bayonet!  But the darned elections office always screws up the absentee votes from deployed service members and DeMint is going to slaughter his opponent anyway.  Why waste time voting over a foregone conclusion when  I could be out killing more of our enemy?"

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"I don't care if he is a sex offender!  I gotta remain true to my race and vote for the brother!"

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"I don't care if he is a sex offender!  I will never, ever vote for a Rethuglican!  Besides, how awesome would it be if Super-Con DeMint got beat by a black sex offender?  Whooo!"

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"I dunno.  Green thinks we can get out of the recession by selling Alvin Green dolls.  That's a better plan that anything Obama has come up with so far.  So yeah, I guess I'll vote for him."

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"Dude, can you believe that Alvin dude won the primary, dude?"

"Man, let's burn some bowls and then go down and vote for him, man!" 

"Heh, yeah, dude!  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Deep fried twinkies, man?"

"Heh!  No, dude.  I think I'm gonna like carve out a little plastic blunt for my little Alvin action figure to smoke on."

"Man, you're like just a fat lazy stoner.  You never finish a project."

"Dude, you're right.  But I bet Tweeker Jerry would do it for me, dude."

"Man, that's awesome!  Now let's get out there and vote!  And then get a really big box of twinkies!"

Seriously.  How many people in South Carolina DON'T fall into one of those categories?  Can you see the trouble I'm in?!?  Please, please!  I need your vote!

9 comments:

  1. FIRST!!!!!!1111111111eleventy!!!!!

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  2. Not a bad campaign strategy.

    I presume the blunt for the action figure is strictly medical.

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  3. But...but what about Alvin Green's far-reaching ideas to get his state working again?

    Yes, action figures are the way.

    I myself want to buy an Innominatus action figure.

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  4. True to form, excellent "made-up" truthy "fiction" from the great mind of the Northwest!

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  5. That is sadly true of most any state. Thought, I might humbly add the homeless guys that get packs of smokes in exchange for pre-completed absentee ballots.

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  6. kingshamus - If I were Chucky Johnson, I'd call you a racist and ban you! :)

    Moogie - yep. It makes him smarter.

    Infidel - There isn't an action figure yet, but the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" is based loosely on my life.

    aA - Thanks. Just hopin' it stays fictional.

    MatthewA - I want to play poker with you someday!

    Matt - Just wait 'til barry finishes the census. There'll be bazillions of "previously under-represented" homeless people added to the voter rolls.

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  7. Inno, I wouldn't recommend a trip to Charleston for you any time soon.

    Nyuk! Fun read, man. Good work.

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  8. Alvin Green sure has been a hoot.

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Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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