Saturday, June 20, 2009

Dave gets schooled.

CAUTION: This post contains actual math. Oooh, Scary! I gave it a good-faith attempt at accuracy, but please don't snivel if you find an error.

[David Letterman] "Give it up for Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra!"

[commercial break]

[boring, not very funny monologue by Dave]

[commercial break]

[Dave L.] "and the number one reason..." [drumroll] "Michelle's sculpted arms!"

[commercial break]

[Dave L] "A warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Dave L] "Allow me to introduce our first guest, Governor Sarah Palin!"

[audience split between cheers and boos]

[Palin enters and takes a seat]

[Dave L] "So, are you going to complain about the frigid conditions in the Green Room, like all the other conservatives I invite on this show?"

[Palin] "Actua..."

[Dave, interrupting] "I'm not cold, because I have a warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Palin] "I was going to say, you call that cold? That's not cold. Where I come from, we call that let's head to the swimmin' hole kind of temperatures! So Dave," [winks] "um, is it alright to call you 'Dave', or do you prefer 'Senator Boxer'? I mean, you've fought really hard to earn that title."

[Dave L] "Uhh..."

[Palin] "No, really, it's your show. What do you want to talk about?"

[Dave L] "Truth be told, we bring guests on because the people are interested in them. What do YOU want to talk about?"

[Palin] "OK, let's set the record straight. I'm not here for me. I'm here for you and CBS. CBS's ratings are so far down the toilet that I'm worried that Obama might try to nationalize your broken network. Our country can't afford another bottomless pit of government spending trying to prop up a failed enterprise. I'm hoping my appearance will give you enough of a ratings boost to keep your network out of bail-out-land."

[Dave L, humbly] "I appreciate that. We need all the help we can get. I apologized, as sincerely as this bitter old man is able, but the rabble are still upset about my jokes. They're boycotting my advertisers. Can you get them to chill out? If I lose my job, I won't be able to afford all the cosmetic surgery my wife so desperately needs!"

[Palin] "I'll see what I can do. If you promise to try not to insult my kids, I promise to try to save your sorry show."

[Dave] "Deal. Now, what's been going on up in the Great White North?"

[Palin] "I've very pleased with the progress being made on the natural gas pipeline."

[Dave, back to normal sarcastic self] "There you go with the fossil fuel thing again. That's like, so 20th century!" [monotonous chanting voice] "Drill... Here... Drill... Now... Kill... Polar... Bears... So... I... Can... Drive... My... SUV"

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Dave, normal voice] "Seriously, everybody's going to be driving electric cars soon. Why the incessant pleas for more carbon-based, non-renewable, polluting energy from hell?"

[Palin] "Let's try some math. But first, I must correct you. It is Drill, Baby, Drill! Anyway, the latest available numbers, from 2003, show that Americans drove 2,890,893 million miles. That's 2,890,893,000,000 miles in one year. We use about 20,680,000 bbl/day of petroleum, which works out to about 317,024,400,000 gallons per year. Each of those gallons has about 115,000 BTU of chemical energy stored in it. Or 121 megajoules, if you prefer. It is unrealistic to think that ALL cars will be electric, so let's say half go electric. Let's also acknowledge that the internal combustion process loses a lot of that energy out the tailpipe as wasted heat. Are you keeping up?"

[Dave] "Everybody says you're just a dumb chillbilly."

[Palin] "Those 317,024,400,000 gallons we burn each year release 38,359,952,400,000 megajoules of energy. Due to the inefficiencies I cited above, only about 7,671,990,480,000 of those megajoules are used to actually propel the vehicle. Since we don't yet have viable electric cars being massed produced, we'll have to make to assumptions. I'll be generous and assume these cars will be very efficient, and weigh considerably less than a conventional gas-powered car. Let's say that those cars could somehow go the same number of miles on about half the total power that petroleum gives us. We'd then need 3,835,995,240,000 megajoules of energy to move them. Actually, since we're assuming that only half the vehicles on the road end up being electric, we can halve that again. 1,917,997,620,000 megajoules of electrical energy. Do you remember what a watt is?

[Dave] "I'm not stupid! A watt is how bright my lightbulbs are! I favor 60W bulbs, but that's just me."

[Palin] "It is also one joule per second. If we could somehow avoid peak times and spread that load out evenly over the course of a year, we'd need our electrical grid to supply an additional 60,819 megawatts on a continuous basis. Remember the rolling blackouts in California a couple years ago? Do think the grid could handle it? How would we do it?"

[Dave] "Windmills"

[Palin] "A new windfarm in Oklahoma just put in 82 windmills to get 123 megawatts. Do the math, and we'd need about 45,000 windmills like that to move our little electric cars. At least when the wind is blowing. Where do you want to site these? Are the radical greens and NIMBYs going to just roll over, or will they fight every last one in court until we're all old? And what do we do when the wind isn't blowing?"

[Dave] "Hmmm. OK, you're not a dumb bimbo. You're just a bimbo. A bimbo without a warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Palin] "My husband hasn't been to NYC in a long time, so he traveled with me. Are you aware that he's just offstage, right outside those doors over there? " [points towards door]

[Dave] "You conservatives are always fear-mongering. I don't believe you."

[Todd Palin enters]

[Dave, panicky. Spews warm soothing beverage on desk and lapel. Reaches for phone]

[911] "Hello. What is the nature of your emergency?"

[Dave] "It's Dave Letterman again. Todd Palin is here to commit acts of violence."

[911] "Mr. Letterman, we've been through this before. Your nightmares do not qualify as legitimate emergencies."

[Dave] "But I'm not dreaming. He's actually here."

[911] "Please hold while I redirect your call to the crazy nutwad crisis line."

[Dave, hanging up phone] "Oh, hi, Todd!"

[Todd P] "Hey, Dave!"

[Dave] "So, what do you want to talk about?"

[Todd P] "I want to talk about how I'm going to abuse you like a rented snowmachine. I want to talk about how my fist is going to part your gapteeth like a .338 WinMag parts the ribs on a bull moose. I want to talk about how much my wife is NOT a bimbo."

[Dave, sweating, despite cold studio temperature] "Uh, uh, I like that last part the best. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about how your charming, intelligent, attractive and capable wife is going to become President in 2012."

[commercial break]


  1. Oh SO FUNNY!

    I love how you have the "Paul S Laff" down pat. If only he could get schooled thusly!

    The "Senator Boxer" part was awesome. Great job, Brother Innominatus!

  2. HAHAHAH!!!! I love it. A little hard to read with all the math, but simply put (in 2+2 terms.. for the libs.. more oil means more cuts in price and more commerce flowing because people will get to go where they need. Drill, baby, drill!

    Anyways, you are one hell of a comedy writer and next time if ya can send me an email and kind of remind me.. I'll be suer to put up a gem like this on the weekend. With kids, work, taking care of the house and then trying to run a blog like TCD... gets kind of hard to keep track of everything and then I have the occasional brain fart.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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