Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Taste of the Union Address

Obama takes his position at the podium, applause dies down.  He looks over to the TelePrompTer to get his first line.

[Obama] "Buffer Overf....uh, gimme a sec..."

The 'prompter is displaying an error message:

/*********************************
*      Buffer Overflow error in     *
*         module bulls__t.dll          *
*    Your speech is unavailable   *
*              Good Luck...            *
********************************/


[Obama, under his breath] "Crap!"

[Obama, trying to gather his composure] "Uhh, Friends, Romans... I, uh, mean My Fellow Americans...  Umm, Four scores and a few extra points ago, FDR brought forth on our incontinent a new notion, conceived in, uhh, community, and dedicated to the preparation that all men are created for equal outcomes."  [Wipes sweat from brow]

[Obama, continuing] "I know that many of you were stunned by the election in Massachusetts.  Let me be clear: this is change.  Change is, uhh, good.  But it is not the end of our big-government agenda.  That election is in the past.  We can't dwell on the past.  We must concentrate on the now.  In OreGONE, the voters there actually voted themselves a tax increase.  Yes, measures 666 and 667 passed by comfortable margins.  This is an affirmation of our policies."

[polite applause]

[Obama] "I've been to OreGONE once when I was on a campaign swing through bitter clinger country.  It is an amazing place.  You see, there's a row of mountains that runs up and down right through the state.  The western side looks like Haiti, except there are hardly any minorities.  They've driven away almost all viable industries, so most of the people there scrape out a living by taking the stems from their medical marijuana and weaving them into sandals that they sell to each other at hippie bazaars.  The eastern side of the state looks like Afghanistan.  I've been there, too, if I remember correctly.  I don't recall exactly what they do there, but I think there were cattle involved somehow.  In other words, these are people that are struggling.  But they are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to assure the ongoing prosperity of the Ruling Class."

[applause]

[Obama] "If these people are willing to smother the grenade of outrageous spending with their own pasty white torsos, how much more should we expect the rest of the country to chip in?  A lot, I say!  I throw down the gauntlet tonight!  I am feisty now!  I am here to tell you - the lazy and the welfare recipient - that I will not back down from this fight!  I will keep you lazy and on welfare, no matter what it takes!"

[enthusiastic applause]

[Obama] "We will fight in the statehouses; we will fight in the courtrooms.  We will fight against Wall Street; we will fight against Main Street.  We will defend our statist agenda, whatever the cost may be.  We will never surrender!"

[muted applause]

[Obama] "Uhh, except to, umm, those who participate in man-caused disasters.  We might surrender to some of them if they have good lawyers that we gave them."

[thunderous applause]

[Obama] "In closing, I have to cut this speech a little short.  'Cuz I have another speech I need to give, and then a round of golf.  And, if, umm, you're up for re-election this year let me know.  I'll try to be on vacation that week and not campaign for you, because, well, you know what I mean."

[roof-rattling applause]

4 comments:

  1. too funny innominatus. i would love to see this happen.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SNORK! I nearly got in trouble, reading this in my class, everyone wondered what was so funny! I couldn't reply, with tears streaming down my, uh, face.

    Priceless

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was funny...he didn't even need Joe Wilson to keep him on topic!

    ReplyDelete
  4. labcat - In the event of a 'promter failure, your sofa cushion can be used as an absorbent device. To soak up all the slobber from barry going "buhhhhhh..." while the 'prompter re-boots.

    aA - thanks. But doncha be going and getting in trouble on account of me!

    Velcro - Dang, I should've included that! But nowadays I think most of the assembly would say "Yeah, Joe's right!" instead of booing...

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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