Monday, January 18, 2010

Martha wants your vote!

I'm really struggling to keep it together as I bring you this message.  Please forgive me if I start to cry or actually show some kind of human emotion...

OK.  Things have gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Unless you are one of the ACORN voters bused in from the Bronx, in which case things are harrible!  I admit that I haven't run much of a campaign.  Really, when was the last time a dem had to actually try to win a senate seat here?  So I confess to being woefully underprepared.  And to those of you who are counting on the big democrat machine to carry me through:  There ain't no big democrat machine here.  Usually being a democrat is all it takes.  We aren't a swing state like Illinois, where it takes a lot of dirty tricks to get the crummy dem candidate into office.  We don't have a well-established Daley-esque juggernaut.  We're used to just coasting over the finish line.  Now I need your help.  I need your vote(s). 

People say that when I speak, it reminds them of the time Joey ripped a big fart during the wedding vows.  So I'm not much of a public speaker.  Please don't hold that against me.  People also say my record as Attorney General is unremarkable except for a few controversial sex crime prosecutions.  That I am a nasty, withered nag who hasn't "gotten any" since 1986 is not at all related to my conduct during those prosecutions.  It was all just judicial expediency to pad my résumé.  Really.

So I am not much of an orator, not much of a campaigner, not much of an AG.  Nor am I much to look at.  But I am a democrat and that's what counts.  But what really counts even more is my feelings.  I don't have very many, so each one is precious.  I would simply destroy me to go down in history as the democrat that sucked so bad I lost Teddy's family throne to a no-name republican.  Pleeeeease don't let that happen to me.  There is just no way I can go through life being the goat, like that Will Buckner guy who was a Yankee fan and let that homerun go through his legs, allowing the New Jersey Astros to beat our Red Sox right down there at Benway Park.  If that happened I'd, I'd, I'd probably get all misty-eyed. I'd shed little frigid ice-lady tearsicles all over the streets of New England.  I say we've already had enough icy roads this winter.  So please give me your vote(s)!

This message paid for by the Increasingly Desperate Coakley for Senate Committee.


  1. Oh, Boo Hoo Fucking Hoo, Cry me a river bitch, then you can go drown yourself and maybe meet teddy in hell! Ha hA, Epic Fail!
    Great post Innominatus! You channel the desperation very well.

  2. Sorry, toots. After tomorrow, you're going to move to Maatha's Vineyard to write crappy fiction that no one's going to buy ... because no one bought what you passed off as the truth. Caio, baby!

  3. It might be a really good day tomorrow.

    Curt Schilling and all the Yankee fans will be celebrating

  4. Apparently one of the boneheads over at MSNBC would like to give his 10 votes to her, and cheat to "keep the bastards out!"


    Sayonara, Crokey!

  5. The real question is...will Croakley apologize for her fail, or will this be Bush's fault too?

    @ Bunni, Damn!! Why don't you tell us how you really feel?

  6. Oh, now I feel so bad I'm going out and vote for her twice. And I live in California ...


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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