Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Energy Crisis Averted

The world is abuzz at the buzz coming from the late Senator Ted Kennedy's gravesite in Arlington.  About 10 days ago, visitors to his memorial began reporting a strange sensation underfoot, which has intensified in recent days.  As GOP longshot Scott Brown began to get traction in his campaign to replace the Dead Kennedy, the tremors became more noticeable.  Seismologists were finally given permission from the National Parks Department to excavate and investigate.  "We found Kennedy was spinning in his grave at approximately 600 rpm." reports Marty Schwarz, the lead scientist of the project.  "The Senator's corpse was remarkably well preserved - as though it had been pickled in formaldehyde, or even alcohol" he continued.  "But Ted's belly was causing an imbalance.  The whole hillside was shaking like an old Kenmore overloaded with towels and bluejeans."

Now that Brown is in a dead heat with Coakley, the bloated body has picked up speed.  Marty explains further: "He's really spinning now.  The vibrations make it hard to get a good reading, but we're definitely north of 10,000 rpm.  The sound reminds me of an IndyCar running on the redline."  When asked about the imbalance, and whether the recent quake in Haiti was connected, Dr. Schwarz answered emphatically, "Yes!  We're trying to track down Michael Moore, so we can bungee him to Ted and counteract the imbalance.  Once the whole Kennedy/Moore assembly is rotating smoothly, we'll install magnets on them and generate electricty.  Thankfully, the giant magnets, brushes and coils used in hydroelectric dams fit nicely around our human generators - it's really all off-the-shelf technology - and we should be able to light up the entire 3-state region!  It really is a breakthrough.  And if Brown wins, the irony of Kennedy's signature agenda item being shot down by his own replacement will cause the grave-spinning Kennedy to light up all of America east of the Mississippi."

Vote Brown! (unless your name is Harry Reid, in which case Vote (light) Brown!!)

11 comments:

  1. For making me laugh, the key phrase was "The whole hillside was shaking like an old Kenmore overloaded with towels and bluejeans."

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was the funniest quote too!
    The whole thing, very prophetic. That would be the best irony! I know an Angel in Heaven (MaryJo K) would approve!

    Maybe it did cause the Haiti...did you see that asshat obugger made a statment a few hours after...but waited 3 days for the Christmas (almost) Bombing.
    What a tool....I wish he could join ted in his activity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's good sir. The old Kenmore line did it for me as well.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Vote "light brown" ... heh!

    BTW: while you were working on your tech issues this ... I was working on my Caucasian dialect.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Where will I be able to plug in ma Getar and play some sole music for Harry?

    ReplyDelete
  6. That Harry Reid... his face shines under the flaming cross.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Did you notice that Ted Kennedy had no noticeable negro dialect?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Can we get Rosie O' Donnell into this leftist cluster-bang?

    ReplyDelete
  9. J-Bomb hit the nail on the head, as did the Funny Bunni; I snorked out loud in publik!

    The "light brown" was perfect as well.

    You're in top form, by brother who shall remain nameless!

    ReplyDelete
  10. JBomb - Thanks. I liked that part, too.

    Amusing Bunni - Maybe MaryJo is the one pulling strings to make the MA race so interesting!

    Matt - Thanks.

    Snarky - The way you drop f-bombs has a very caucasian vibe to it already!

    Odie - This project is generating so much juice that the very air is electrified. Your geetar will now work wirelessly!

    Matthew - Heh. A KKK Mormon?

    Infidel - Except when he's drunk (which was often) 'cuz then he kinda sounded like Mushmouth from Fat Albert.

    Shamus - I actually thought about that 'cuz the "fat Michael Moore" thing is pretty well used up. I considered both Rosie O and Roseanne Barr. But neither seems to like being close to men, while Ted insists on being close to women. The tension there would really throw the system out of balance.

    aA - Thanks. Hopefully nobody tried to heimlich ya after that snork!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Another great piece of "Inno-vative" journalism! Kenmore... hah!

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...