Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Barry tight security

Cabinet members seated along one side of the room, czars along the other side.  Obama enters

[Rahm Emanuel] "Hear ye, hear ye!  This meeting is called to order!"

[Obama] "Hey guys.  It's pretty cool having the de facto government and the government de jure all gathered together like this.  So.  Anyway.  I go on TV in a couple hours to announce our new air travel security policies.  What have you come up with?"

[silence]

[more silence]

[Sec DHS Janet Incompetano] "What do WE have?  Sorry, sir, we thought you called this meeting to tell us what YOUR plan was, so we could then implement it."

[Obama] "What?  Does that mean you have nothing?"

[Incompetano] "Well, there are these full-body scanners we'd like to install."

Safe School Czar Kevin "Li'l Fist" Jennings enters.

[Jennings] "Sorry I'm late."

[Obama] "No problem.  You haven't missed anything.  Nobody has a clue what to do."

[Jennings] "Did I hear something about full-body scanners?"

[Incompetano] "Yes.  These devices can see right through clothes, revealing everything.  Umm, uh, I mean whether the person might me trying to smuggle a weapon or destructive device."

[Jennings, raising fist, joking tone] "I got yer destructive device right here!"

[Obama] "That sounds like the beginning of a good plan."

[Incompetano] "Especially once we add internet connectivity to the scanners.  That way I can check out the hot ladies as they pass through."

[A few of the less freakish cabinet members squirm uncomfortably, but most nod in eager agreement]

[Obama] "Let's do it."

[Jennings] "Sir, as safe school czar, I worry that schools might be an attractive target to terrorists.   I therefore request that these scanners be also installed in schools."

[Obama] "Yes.  Of course.  Let me be clear, protecting our children is our highest priority.  Just let me know how many you'll need."

[Jennings] "Thank you." [voice quivering like when Beavis sees something on fire] "Heh, huh, huh, heh.  Yeah.  I'll watch the scanners personally.  Heh heh.  Yeah.  I'll check each little boy out to make sure he's not a terrorist.  Heh heh.  Yeah.  24/7.  I'm that dedicated.  I'll watch the scanners myself.  Heh heh. Yeah."

[Obama] "Very good.  Our countrymen will thank us for attending to our kid's security."

[Obama, continuing] "So I guess that's our plan.  Wait.  How 'bout we also hassle the crap out of travelers until they no longer want to fly?"

[Carol Browner, Climate Change Czar] "Yes! Yes!  That will also drastically cut down on CO2 emissions!  It is a total win/win scenario!  You, Mr. President, are the smartest man ever!"

[Obama] "Well, it's not really win/win until we all go out and buy stock in the company that makes the body scanners.  We'll be ordering a LOT of them.  Then it will REALLY be win/win!" [Evil laugh] "Bwahaaahaahaa!"

[Obama] "Thank you for your input.  We have devised an excellent set of security policies.  Now, I'm off to the press conference to make the big announcement.  Toodles!"

11 comments:

  1. Kreepy Kevin Jennings is such a target-rich environment for nuclear-hot satire. I like how the safe schools czar is making the schools safe for pedophile teachers and not much else. It's like the Obama Administration is talking in Newspeak.

    Thank you, Inn. I got a good laugh.

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  2. Good one. I was wondering how long it was before one of you guys got Jennings on the child porn-body scanner thing.

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  3. Its good to see transparency in action... :-)

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  4. Damn...I knew my Gilbert Arenas piece was missing something: The Fisting Czar.

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  5. OMG, I laffed out loud in Kroger! Lucky for me nobody else was in there at the time.

    It was the Janet Incompetano's comment about the ladies that got me, that was before I got to the "safe schools" czar's idear. I saw that coming down the road at the last exit.

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  6. Where did you get the transcript of this very very very important and productive meeting?

    To paraphrase Allstate, your in good hands with kevin jennings.....

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  7. The only thing missing was lex supra legis.
    .

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  8. Jennings says he's like to use the full body scan on himself because he "lost" his car keys.

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  9. kingshamus - that Jennings still has a job is a puzzler to me

    Matt - the Jennings/scanner thing is such an obvious connect that it already seems like old news

    Velcro - transparent as spent uranium tank armor!

    Snarky - every post benefits from a mention of the fist.

    aA - sorry I telegraphed it so badly

    Infidel - this administratition emits so much stupid that I can pick it up without an antenna.

    OG - I know oh, maybe, 20 or 30 latin words. Your phrase sounds to this uneducated guy like it might mean "word above law" or somesuch. Am I in the ballpark?

    Mega - LOL! Maybe we can train his gerbil to fetch!

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  10. As I laugh just like Beavus ... Incompetono ???

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  11. Odie, I heard Mark Steyn call her that while he was sitting in for Limbaugh

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Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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