Thursday, February 9, 2012

Award time, Barry Dire Campaign Issues, and miscellanea

The urge to blog had pretty much departed...  Not feeling it...  Then...

Odie (Woodsterman) gives me something special...  (Thankfully, the nurse gave me a shot and said the burning sensation should subside over the next 36 to 48 hours...)  Naw, that's not it... He gave me an Award!

Liebster is Austrian for "beloved" or "favorite." Thank you, Odie!  With that in mind, I suppose that I should follow the rules and pick me out some Liebster Blogs but I'll save that for the next post, because unlike Madame Clinton who ain't in no ways tard*, I am in many ways tard.  'Cuz last night grandbaby #6 made her arrival.   At a little after midnight - which may not seem that late to some of you young 'uns, but for an old fart that has to get up early that is HARSH.  Daughter-in-law (and wife) wanted me to be present right there in the delivery room.  Unh?  "Birth is so beautiful."  "Birth is such a miracle."  Yadda, yadda, trying to convince me.


Birth is not beautiful.  Birth is just like that scene in Alien.  Except that instead of a cool little kick-azz monster, you get a noisy little helpless monster.  I can do without all that.  " I'll be waiting down in the car..."

Then today the contractors are in grinding down the concrete floor in the store.  Gonna sand it smooth, fill the cracks and clear coat it.  No more carpet.  Next time we flood we can clean the place up with a big squeegee (or a hobo on a stick) and be done with it.  'Cept the process is noisy as bleep and dusty as bleep-bleep.  The whole scenario leaves me a little grouchy.  I mean, even more than normal.

OK, OK...  Alright, enough complainin'.  On with the story...

Barry Dire Campaign Issues

Obama, Messina, Plouffe, Axelrod and Jarrett are holding a strategy session.

[Obama] "Those danged Catholics sure are stirring up a lot of grief about some pills and rubbers.  Geez.  It's not like I'm making them bow towards Mecca or something."

[Jarrett] "I recommend you keep the ban.  Don't wanna tick off the mean-faced clipped-hair types at Planned Parenthood.  We just saw the other day how they react when they don't get their quota of dead babies."

[Obama] "No kidding.  I could strangle Pelosi for putting such controversial material in that giant bill I never read before signing."

[Axelrod] "I tried to strangle Pelosi once.  All I could get was a handful of loose skin.  Not worth the bother."

[Messina] "Thankfully the Republicans are still being republicany and screwing themselves over."

[Plouffe] "Well, there is some worry there.  Santorum could take a lot of midwest and rust-belt states we need.  And Romney is talking about using a 50-state strategy to flat-out clobber us.  He wants a strong mandate, so he has the political cover to keep doing exactly what we're doing.  Plus, they're rolling out these..."

[Obama] "What the heck?"

[Plouffe] "They're a bunch of cardboard cutouts of Romney.  They going to put them everywhere.  OmniRomney they're calling it."

[Obama] "But they're plain and boring.  Completely without life or personality."

[Plouffe] "Which means people will believe they're meeting the real Mitt Romney!"

[Obama] "Holy ****! You're right!"

[Plouffe] "Not only that, shake OmniRomney's hand"

[Obama] "Crap!" [shakes hand again] "That's totally believable.  Everybody's gonna think they've personally met with him.  We're in real trouble!"

[Biden enters] "Hey guys!  Whassup?"

[Obama, fearful] "OmniRomney has come to destroy us!"

[Biden] "Really?  Lemme check this out." [shakes OmniRomney's hand] "Whoa.  Creepy.  Did ya hear that Roseanne Barr is running for President?"

[Obama] "No.  Am I supposed to care?"

[Biden] "She's running on the Green Tea ticket.  No doubt it'll attract a lot of eco- types, weed-burnin' stoners, probably even a few drunk Tea Party people.  Since 'tea' rhymes with 'pee', she'll attract all the Occupy people, too.  A formidable coalition."

[Obama, panicking] "Get Roseanne on the phone!"

Later that afternoon, Roseanne arrives at the White House.

[Obama, sternly] "How dare you run for president!"

[Barr, sarcastically.  Between words, little cracking noises from her chewing gum] "Yeah, well, let's just say you've been a serious letdown there, champ.  If this country is every going to be transformed, it's gonna need somebody in charge who can get things done."

[Obama] "And now you think you're The One for the job?"

[Barr] "See, Sparky, the rethuglicans suck.  All their candidates suck.  Yet they all poll well against you.  You are losing to 'pure suck'! Which puts you somewhere, oh, I dunno, somewhere beneath 'pure suck', wherever that is."

[Obama, sadly] "But Michelle said not to worry and that everything will be OK."[wipes tear]

[Barr, loudly] "What the **** does it take to get a ******* Snicker bar around here?  Hello!?"

A White House intern dashes in, dutifully unwraps a Snicker bar and offers it to Roseanne.

[Obama] "They never move that fast for me!"

[Barr] "See what I mean?  Not only that, I can belt out a mean National Anthem.  Wanna hear it?"

[Obama] "No!  OK, here's the deal.  Drop your presidential bid, and I'll give you a high cabinet position.  Wanna take over State from Hillary?"

[Barr] "Isn't it, like, illegal to offer jobs or other compensation to influence a candidate to run/not run?"

[Obama] "Yeah, like Holder is actually going to do anything about it."

[Barr] "Good point.  I'll have my agent give you a call.  Maybe we can make this work." [stands and gracelessly departs]

[Obama] "Phoo! That was close.  Now, what to do about OmniRomney?"


  1. "Birth is not beautiful. Birth is just like that scene in Alien." FINALLY, someone tells the truth.

    1. Like Robin Williams said when his first kid popped out: "That's not a baby! It's a little old man dipped in 90W!"

  2. Is "Axelrod" Alex Axelrod from "Cars 2"?

  3. Congrats on the grandyoungun. I guess.

    I'm 52, have 3 sons over the age of who is 31, and do not have a grandchild. Thank God.

  4. This post is completely and utterly devoid of truth. Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY knows that Rosanne Barr would never holler for a Snickers bar. She's a Butterfinger gal.


  5. Damn, now my front hurts ... Get that candy over here.

  6. Congrats on the new grand kid. Now get some sleep.

    A handful of loose Pelosi skin? Um. I really need to take a shower now.

  7. Glad to see that the shop floor's getting redone - and properly!

    Now, if ya'll can just bear in mind that the 'puter needs high ground....

  8. Congrats on the new grandbaby and the Liebster award. Excellent satire Inno. I can see Barr as secretary of state with Obama as prez. With him bowing to our enemies and alienating our friends plus her insultin' mouth workin' overtime, we could accidentally get what Ron Paul wants: isolation from the rest of the world.

  9. Birth is not beautiful.

    Add me to the list. My first two were born back in the day when expectant fathers were banished to the waiting room (or the nearest bar) to pace the floor and smoke cigarettes. And yeah, you could smoke in hospital waiting rooms back then. Times changed in the 30+ years between SN2 and SN3... and I was REQUIRED to attend the birth of my third son, under pain o' death or worse. I may have had more traumatic events in my life than that but I can't think of one. Srsly. But I was there.

    Congrats on the grandbaby, though! I fully agree with those who say they wish they could have had the grandkids first.

    And yet another Barry tour de force!

  10. Hi Inno! Congrats on the Grandbaby! I'm with you, I wouldn't want to be in the room either....even if I was the one having the baby....ha ha!

    Once again, you have barry's convo with the other tards down pat! He really stepped in it this time.
    I hope you have a relaxing weekend.

  11. The Omni Romney's only flaw is that if you stop watching it closely, it starts to lean to the left!

  12. OmniRomney. I love it. And, thank God you didn't insert a video of Roseanne doing the Anthem!

    Congratulations on #6! Us birth-giver types don't have the option to wait in the car, although I do seem to recall telling the OB that I was through and was going home. That didn't work out so well for me. Pepper had to catch #2's head because the doc was still scrubbing. TMI? Can't wait to see pics of your grand-crew!

  13. Thanks Inno. Right now we need all the laughs we can get!!

  14. Belated Congratulations!

  15. Hey, Congrats!

    If 0 would only hire Roseanne's agent, next January he and Mooch-elle could remove themselves from the White House to a sitcom, where they'd fit right in.

  16. Brilliant, once again! Linked here:


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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