Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Barry intense gaming session

Alone in the White House Map Room, the pResident sits at a table arrayed with fantasy gaming figurines.

[Obama, 'walking' a figure across the table with his hand, in "elfie" voice] "Once upon a time Barack the Half-Drow-Elven Warrior/Druid was peacefully exploring the forest.  'Look! A birdie!' said Barack.  Suddenly, he was set upon by his arch-nemesis: BaneWhore, the Demi-Lich of Ohio."

The pResident picks up a monster figurine which is extremely ugly.

[Obama, in a gravelly bass voice, 'animating' the monster figure with his hand] "I am John the BaneWhore, Scourge of the House.  I am the Ruler of this Realm now!"

[animating original elf figure] "My name is Barack Obama.  You killed my spending bills.  Prepare to die!"

[Obama, normal voice] "OK, let's roll for initiative." [rolls a d6] "Dang.  BaneWhore got a six." [rolls again] "Dang, Barack got a 1.  BaneWhore gets to attack first."

[Obama, in monster voice] "Bwaahaahaa!  I strike thee with mine +4 Nozzle of Douche!" [rolls d20] "S***! A 18!" [rolls d12 for damage] "Gack!  A 10!  Which is actually a 14 now!"

[Obama, in elfie voice] "BaneWhore, you may have just smote me for half my Election Points, but you have no match for my 19 Charisma!  I cast a Charm Monster spell.  Soon you will be under my sway!"

[Normal voice] "Let's see BaneWhore deal with that!  He has to roll a Natural 20 or succumb to my every command!" [rolls d20] "Crap!  A 20!  Are you even serious?" [Looks closely at d20 then throws it across the room]

Obama's Chief of Staff enters.

[Guy who took over for Rahm but nobody can remember his name] "Sir, what are you doing?"

[Obama, startled] "Oh! Uhh, just wargaming some scenarios for dealing with the Republican obstructionism in this Debt Ceiling debate.  This is getting down to crunch time and I need a solid strategy."

[GWTOFRBNCRHN] "Just wanted to go over today's schedule with you."

[Obama] "Anything that will conflict with my tee time?"

[GWTOFRBNCRHN] "Let's see...  Nope.  Just some fundraisers and a hush-hush meeting with the Dalai Lama."

[Obama] "Good"

[Obama, in elfie voice] "I told you, BaneWhore, that I would win" [raises elf figure and smashes it down on monster figure, breaking monster's leg]

[monster voice] "I have received a grievous injury.  I must flee, lest I be utterly destroyed."

[elfie voice, holding figure aloft] "I won!  People like me again!"

[GWTOFRBNCRHN, on his cell phone] "Hey, Spokesman Carney!  Yeah, umm.  At the next press conference, make sure the reporters don't push too hard.  Make sure they are polite and there is only still photography.  Yeah, he's losing it.  I'll up his meds and you keep the press away from him for a while."


  1. I for one would like to see him mix this role playing game into his next press conference.

  2. Barry intense(off his meds?)...Good work Inno, damn good work.

  3. Gary Gygax for Secretary of State?

  4. "Up his meds..."

    Indeed. Soonest.

    wv: gameom. Google knows.

  5. No boy-child presidents were injured in the making of this documentary.

  6. Great movie reference in there.

    "Nozzle of Douche"...Priceless!

    Great one Inno! And he did it all without a teleprompter too. Impressive.


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