Sunday, May 24, 2009

Barry secret bunker

US Naval Observatory - the Vice President's Residence. VP Biden is restless and having trouble sleeping. Very faint, almost inaudible voices are heard murmuring in the background.

[Biden, to himself] "Oh, not again! [to nobody in particular] "I know you're in here. I'm gonna getcha this time! I bet it's you, Cheney! You think I didn't notice that you only gave us one set of keys when we moved in? You think I'm too stupid to figure out that you kept a set, and you're breaking into my house in the middle of the night? Well, this time, you're in big trouble!" [Fetches little-used lacrosse stick that he used in college. OK, would have used in college, if his coach had ever decided to actually put him in a game.]

[Biden swinging stick menacingly, trying to sound self-confident] "Ready or not, Here I Come!"

[Traverses the house, going room to room] "AHA!" [Leaps through doorway, swings at his own shadow, startling the family cat]

[family cat] "MREEEWOWWW!" [cat flees]

[Biden] "Dang!"

The search nearly completed, VP Biden approaches the library at the end of the hall. The voices seem oh-so-slightly louder.

[Biden, nervous but trying to sound tough] "I'm getting warmer!" [Reaches around corner to flick light switch, steeling himself for the dramatic confrontation...]

The lights come on, and Biden finds the room unoccupied and nearly barren. One shelf has a few of Cheney's personal books left on it, which were overlooked during the move-out.

[Biden, examining books, to himself] "Wealth of Nations? Never heard of it. Atlas Shrugged? Well, shrugs are pretty good for the shoulder muscles after all." [Spots autographed hardbound copy of Clancy's Clear & Present Danger] "I gotta get rid of all Cheney's junk and get some decent books in my library! My friends would puke if they saw this stuff!"

As the VP picks up the Clancy novel, the bookshelf silently glides 3 feet to the right, revealing a dark passage.

[Biden] "Whoa!" [puts book back on shelf, bookcase silently glides back to its original location, concealing the tunnel]

[Biden] "Duuuuude!" [retrieves book again to open the tunnel and proceeds into the darkness, lacrosse stick held ready to strike. The voices become more distinguishable as he makes his way]

Some distance in, VP Biden nears a dimly lit room full of sophisticated electronics. He tiptoes in and lunges to attack the nearest person.

[Biden, yelling as he swings] "Cheney goin' down!"

The shocked female Navy officer, an ensign fresh out of college ROTC, deftly parries the blow and disarms the VP. She brings him to the ground with a vicious judo throw and holds the lacrosse stick over Biden's throat.

[Ensign, realizing who she has captured, releases him and stands at attention] "VP on the deck!"

The other officers turn and snap to attention.

[Biden, coming to his feet] "As you are. Or 'as you were' or whatever it is I'm supposed to say."

[Admiral] "Sorry, sir! You seem to have startled some of our crew! We weren't expecting unannounced visitors. But it is a pleasure to see you, nonetheless."

[Biden, taking in the scene, eyeballing all the communications gear] "So THIS is the secret undisclosed location!"

[Admiral] "Yes, I thought you'd been briefed about this a long time ago. In the event of a clear and present danger to either you or the president, this fortified bunker is your immediate refuge. From here we can command all military and security personnel."

[Biden] "So cool!"

[Admiral] "So grab a cup of coffee and take a look around. Let me know if you have any questions. [Laughing] Of course I don't really need to remind you not to touch anything. But I have to remind you anyway, so please consider yourself reminded."

[Biden, laughing back] "No prob. I recognize all this gear 'cuz I hang out at Radio Shack. A lot. They even send me catalogs in the mail."

[Admiral, patting the VP on the back] "Roger. Enjoy your visit." [Goes back to his duties]

[Biden, marveling at all the switches, succumbs to temptation. He lifts the plexiglass cover over a big red switch and flips it]

A digital display beneath the switch reads:


[Biden, giddy, looks for the right key. Finding it, he gives it a twist.]


[Biden, anxiously, to himself] "Hurry up! 10 seconds has never felt so long! Well, except that time I tried to hold my breath underwater for 10 seconds in the YMCA pool and I almost drowned."

USS Pennsylvania, deep in the waters of the Sea of Japan

[communications] "Conn! Order verified for Operation Delta-Seven!"

[Captain] "Are you sure? Confirm!"

[communications] "Confirmed! Encoded message from Naval Observatory Bunker Alpha!"

[Captain] "Crap! Something horrible must've happened to the mainland!" [hesitates for about one second] "Helm! All ahead, flank speed. Full rise on the dive planes! Bring us up to launch depth, NOW!" [Grabbing PA mike] "Attention! All hands to duty stations. Operation Delta-Seven initiated. This is not a drill! We are at war, and we're going to burn Li'l Kim's playhouse down!"

[Frantic activity throughout the sub as crewmen man their stations and power up critical systems. It looks utterly chaotic to the untrained eye, but is actually smooth and well-rehearsed.]

[sonar] "Conn, sonar! Surface contacts 1 and 2 changing bearing and accelerating. They've heard us!"

[Captain] "Aye, sonar. That's OK. In about 5 minutes when we light up Pyongyang, everybody will know we're here."

[Captain] "Helm, Conn! What's our depth?"

[helm] "Conn, about 200 meters below launch depth"

[Captain] "This is taking too long." [hits intercom button] "Engine room, Conn. Go to 120% on the reactor. Firewall it, lieutenant!!"

[Engine room] "120%? But, sir..."

[Captain] "Don't but me, lieutenant, unless you want to go home in the brig!"

[Captain] "Ops, Conn! Set warheads on 1 and 2 to maximum yield! Flood launch tubes, prepare to launch, on my mark!"

[ops] "Aye!"

[sonar] "Conn, sonar! Surface contact 2 is dropping sonobuoys. They are going active! They know exactly where we are!"

[Captain] "Ignore them 'til we've launched."
Meanwhile, back at Naval Observatory.

[Admiral, looking over VP's shoulder] "So, Mr. Vice President, how do you like your bunke..." [notices display]


[Admiral] "What the heck?!?!......Holy [bleep]!"

[Admiral, grabbing phone and keying a code] "Pennsylvania! Pennsylvania! Belay that order! Stand Down! Repeat, Belay that Order! Stand Down!"
USS Pennsylvania

[communications] "Conn, receiving new orders. Stand down! Stand down!"

[Captain, into PA] "All hands, stand down! Repeat, stand down!"

[Captain, angrily] "Idiots!" "Helm, Conn! Dive! Ahead 3/4. Set a course for the Panama Canal. We're going to DC! I'm gonna find the primitive screwhead that did this to us and yank his spleen out with my bare hands!"


  1. OMG! This is so funny, i laughed out loud on my couch, alone in the house!

    You HAVE to compile these things somehow. I could hear Rush Limbaugh reading them on air. Or better yet, Paul Shanklin would produce and voice them as old time radio show-like episodes. You'd be rich!

    Really, SO funny! Great job, keep your engravers and other loud machines running at "120%" so you can think some more!


  2. Biden disclosing Cheney's alleged undisclosed location was a point of debate on the McLaughlin Group this week in whether Biden was or wasn't a liability &/or total laughing stock in the Obama administration. The Republicans supported the latter & suspected that Joe will be a sacrificial goat & replaced in Obama's 2012 run.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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