Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Barry big decision to make

[Senator Reid, on TV] "We'll be taking out summer recess soon. The odor of perspiring visitors touring the Capitol is already beginning to bother me. Usually this doesn't become a problem until the first week of June. How much evidence of global warming do we need before we act? How much BO do I have to smell before a bill gets passed?"

[Obama, hearing his initials from the TV speaker, looks up from his Che Guevara coloring book]

[Reid, continuing] "And when we get back from recess, we'll be working very hard on the budget. It might seem like it would be easy to spend all those trillions on whatever we want, but we need to have some long, hard discussions about how our spending will improve our electoral chances. That takes a lot of time. If Obama expects us to schedule hearings for his Supreme Court nomination, he better hurry up. There's no way we're coming to DC in the summer, and we mustn't be interrupted during the fall spending spree. It's pretty much now or wait 'til next year."

[Obama, into intercom] "Rahm, ya there?"

[Rahm E.] "Yes, sire"

[Obama] "We need to talk about our SCOTUS nominee. Assemble the troops. I want you, Axe, White House Counsel greggycraig, and Judiciary Committee Senators Leahy and Specter" [Goes back to coloring Che's beard]


Later that day...

[Obama] "We need to move forward with naming a replacement for Souter. Senator Reid is kind of telling me to hurry up. Where are we at right now?"

[Rahm E.] "Oh, Sire! You'll be so pleased!"

[greggycraig] "Absolutely! M'lord, this will go down in history as the best judge ever! Well, at lease until you become Chief Justice someday!"

[Specter] "I am insulted that I haven't been involved in this selection process. I've been the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee for years."

[Obama] "Arlene, shut your flappin' lips. Nobody likes you. Your new colleagues voted unanimously to strip your seniority. The Republicans will NEVER take you back. You are a traitor. You are despised. You are less popular than chronic halitosis. We democrats do like traitors, but not enough to listen to them at times like this. So, zip! [zipper motion across mouth]

[Specter stands up, preparing to leave]

[Rahm E. gives him a firm push back into his seat] "Sit down, waldo! You're not going anywhere."

[greggycraig] "Sire, we've uncovered a magnificent nominee."

[Rahm E.] "Oh yes! Perfect!"

[greggycraig] "We suggest you nominate Mary Thornbugle."

[Obama] "Never heard of her."

[greggycraig] "Ms. Thornbugle is a M2F transgender lesbian, with Laotian, black and Aztec ancestry. (s)he is physically unattractive, frequently rude, and suffers from Bush Derangement Syndrome."

[Obama] "Positions on crucial issues?"

[Rahm E.] "(s)he believes fervently in global warming, the overpopulation crisis, and late-term abortion. (s)he calls his/herself a secular humanist but enjoys partaking in naked pagan fertility rituals every equinox. (s)he thinks fossil fuels are evil. (s)he believes Christianity should be abolished. (s)he hates guns and gunowners. (s)he thinks the Constitution is almost as obsolete as the Old Testament, and therefore worthy of being ignored. (s)he believes capitalism is
disgusting and national borders are abhorrent."

[Obama] "WOW! What's the downside? There's gotta be a 'gotcha' in there somewhere. Taxes?"

[greggycraig] "Nope. Ms. Thornbugle hasn't had taxable income since 1982. (s)he makes his/her living bartering her self-published collections of communist poetry for food, shelter and recreational drugs."

[Obama] "Legal troubles?"

[Rahm E.] "Nothing bad. (s)he got busted once for throwing rocks at cops during an environmentalist riot. (s)he was really upset that the bifurcated snotwarbler was being taken off the endangered species list."

[Obama] "Courtroom record?"

[greggycraig] "One time her neighbor's cat took a dump in her flowerbox, so (s)he sued her neighbor for $100 million on Judge Judy. (s)he won the case but Judge Judy lowered the amount to $20."

[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Amazing! A winning record of 100%, even against a hyperconservative judge. You guys have found me a candidate that fully embodies every progressive precept of the modern democrat party!"

[Leahy] "I can't wait to vote for him. I mean her! It! Whatever!!!"

[Specter] "I know I'm a democrat, but I'm a centrist democrat. I'm not yet sure what to think of this nominee."

[Rahm E. slaps Specter hard across the face. The others giggle.] "Shut up, Waldo! You're not paid to think. You're paid to vote the way we tell you!"


    My office nearly hired Ms(r)Thornbugle a couple of years ago, but for an impassioned plea from me on the grounds that (s)he might go into the men's room at the same time of one of our older board members. That moment of paused started in motion the intense reflection on what could be if (s)he were hired.

    Needless to say, we hired a splendid girl who is actually a girl.
    Do you think of this stuff WHILE you're engraving, or between engravings?

  2. Sometimes the machines take a long time to run the job. And they make too much noise to hear the radio. The mind wanders to strange places and then I start typing.

  3. You go! It seems to work well for ya! Keep it up, brother!

  4. Hilarious! Mind if I post that up sometime this week? Hectic schedule makes for crappy blogging.

    Anyways, I refered to nObama as "The Won" because I got tired of putting "The One" because it gives Neo from the Matrix a bad name. :) And Obama's response to an argument such as "Mr. President! You can't consider the fluid from the abortions you wanted 'alternative energy' and expect the American public to approve!" "errr... I won!"

    See where I went with that?


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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