Saturday, May 2, 2009

Barry big problems need solving, Part 1

Sun beginning to rise, though it is still mostly dark. A little red pickup bounces along a deserted old road near Mt. Rushmore. Lingering snow along the sides of the road reflect the slowly growing daylight.

[Fred Thompson, exiting truck] "I feel like I am in the right place, but I just don't know why"

In the distance, a snowmobilemachine approaches, following the patches of remaining snow. It pulls up and parks alongside the pickup. A female figure climbs off. A rifle is slung over one shoulder, and a bandolier holding brightly polished ammo is slung over the other shoulder - the two leather straps forming a threatening, yet feminine X shape over her torso.

[Sarah Palin] "Senator Thompson, is that you?"

[FredT] "Why, yes. It is good to see you here, Gov'nor. Though I don't know for the life of me what brought me out here."

[SarahP] "Me either. I just had this strange compulsion to ride down here from Alaska."

A hissing sound is heard, they both startle at the sound and look for its source - a trapdoor opening near them. Wisps of fog waft out of it. Faint light from far below illuminates a stairway leading down. Far down. Far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.

[FredT] "I guess we know why we're here! Let's head on down!"

SarahP partially opens the bolt of her rifle, confirming a round is chambered, then closes the bolt. Her thumb is on the safety as she approaches the stairway that goes far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.

[FredT] "Is that really necessary?"

[SarahP] "It could be a another trap set by liberal dorkblogger Andrew Sullivan. He's been out to get me."

[FredT] "My folksy old-time wisdom is telling me everything is fine." [Heads down the stairs]

[SarahP, under her breath] "That's fine. You rely on your folksy wisdom, I'll rely on cold steel with a custom free-floating barrel and a 2.5-8X variable scope."

They climbed down the stairs for what seemed like a very long time. Because it was. One does not get far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore in mere seconds.

Eventually they reach another door, which is closed. No doorknob or hinges are evident. Ancient runes carved in the door read "speak friend, and enter."

[SarahP] "Oh, my kids love those books, and the movies! I know this one!" [Loudly] "FRIEND!"

Nothing happens.

[FredT] "Uhh. Hmm. Amigo?" "Comrade?" "10-4 Good Buddy?"

Nothing happens.

[SarahP, taking aim at door] "I didn't climb down all... those... stairs... just to play 20 questions. You stupid door, I'm gonna blow you away in 3...2...

[FredT] "Crap, this is going to be loud!" [plugs ears and closes eyes tightly]

[SarahP] "...1"


The door slides open.

[SarahP] "Wow, that was really cornball. Whoever wrote this stupid script should be shot."

Beyond the door, several figures are seated around a polished marble table. The two enter.

[Dick Cheney, cranky] "It's about time you two showed up! I got here over an hour ago!"

[Chuck Norris] "This is getting weirder every second."

[Bobby Jindal] "My laptop's WiMax card has surprisingly good reception, even here in the bowels of the earth."

[Cheney] "Take your seats. We're about to start."

An elderly figure enters, wearing an elaborate ceremonial robe and carrying a strange gold artifact, covered in jewels. It is former CIA Director William (Bill) Casey, long thought deceased.

[ChuckN] "But I thought you were dead!"

[Cheney] "We already covered that in a previous episode. Please try to keep up, Chuck."

[ChuckN] "I'll have you know, that of all the people who have made an upchuck joke in my presence, you are the first that I've allowed to live. And that's ONLY because my mother always taught me respect my elders."

[Cheney, in Sgt. Hulka voice] "Lighten up... Charles."

[ChuckN stands up and glares at Cheney]

[Casey] "Gentlemen. The Soros is doing his mind tricks on us again, trying to create division within our ranks. We must not succumb to the evil of The Soros."

[ChuckN] "Sorry."

[SarahP, forcefully] "Well, it's all fine and dandy to be far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore with a roomful of conservative luminaries, but would somebody please explain what this is all about? And while you're at it, tell us how you're still alive."

[Casey, looking towards Palin] "Oooh, the Force is strong in this one!" [addressing the entire group] "This is a secret place created by the Founding Fathers. This arcane object" [holds up artifact] "was also created by them. In times of great national peril, it subliminally summons the great conservatives of the age to this secret place. Here we will devise and implement our strategy for reclaiming our country! Cheney was here with me, along with William F. Buckley, Jesse Helms, and others, the last time we faced such danger. It was during the Carter administration, and our countrymen were held overseas by the hostile Iranians."

[Cheney] "Yes. The beltway republicans thought The Reagan was just a b-movie cowboy who was way too conservative to win an election. We met here, and we saw to it that he was elected. The Iranians released the hostages, taxes were lowered, and the people rejoiced."

[Casey] "Our mission today is twofold: 1. For the long-term battle, we must determine who shall lead us out of malaise and despair. We have been leaderless, rudderless, and divided for too long. We shall soon determine our new leader."

[FredT] "Well, I'm full of folksy wisdom, and I kind of talk like a b-movie cowboy. I should be the one."

[ChuckN] "I kick butt and played a Texas Ranger on a b-TV series. It should be me."

[Casey] "No. Our new leader will be youthful. A young gun, so to speak. Our new leader is in this room. But the choice is not yet clear."

[SarahP, making eye contact with Jindal, nods confidently and winks]

[Jindal, mind racing. To himself] "She makes an odd gesture, but what does it mean? Is she giving me a vote of confidence, or is that the look of a predator about to devour an adversary? I wish I had more social skills, and understood girls better!"

[Casey] "It will become clear in future days who we shall rally behind. Whether that will be Palin or Jindal, is yet unknown. For now, we have other, more immediate threats to deal with."

[ChuckN] "Fine. But you still haven't told us about your, oh, how should I say, 'continued non-deceasement.' We all though you died a long time ago."

[Casey] "Very well. In 1987, as CIA director, I sensed that the Soviet Union was nearing collapse. They were still strong, but the signs of failure were beginning to appear. It was crucial that The Reagan received his due credit for ending them once and for all. So I used my CIA skills to fake my own death. Then I put some FD&C Red #5 food coloring on a ping-pong paddle, and smacked myself in the forehead with it. Again, using my CIA skills, I stealthily infiltrated the fortified borders of the Soviet Union and started saying "Glasnost! Glasnost and perestroika!" over and over again. Soon the communists were toppled the wall came down, and there was much jubilation. I'd been living a quiet retirement under an assumed identity ever since, but the rise of The Soros and his protegé The Obama have stirred me anew..." [emotionally, pounding fist on table] "I Will Yet Serve My Country , because I... Still... Function!"

[misty eyes, loud applause from all]

[Casey] "Now then, about the dangers our country faces today..."

Meanwhile, back in DC:

[Obama, to Rahm E.] "People are all freaked out about the H1N1 virus thing. I always thought that H1N1 was a kind of entry visa we give to skilled workers who want to do the jobs here that we haven't outsourced yet."

[Rahm E.] "Sire, you are nearly correct. The H1B is the work visa. H1N1 is a deadly flu virus. But, m'lord, I can see how all those h's and 1's could be confusing. I'll immediately contact the State Department and have them give new designations to all immigrant work visas. That should end the confusion."

[Obama] "Wouldn't it be easier to just let anybody come in here whenever they want, instead of all this H1B1 paperwork nonsense? Wait a sec... YES! That's it! I'll just let anybody from any country come and go whenever they want! That'll save money on all the paperwork that will no longer be needed! I can go on TV and brag about how I've cut the budget! Ha ha, take that, republicans! You're not the only ones who can cut the budget!"

[Rahm E.] "Excellent idea, sire."

[Obama] "Also, it's true I was stoned a lot during chemistry class, but I really thought the "1" was kind of implied. For example, the formula for my favorite chemical, ethyl alcohol, is C2H5OH rather than C2H5O1H1. So why does this virus name have all those 1's in it?"

[Rahm E. struggling to stifle his utter frustration] "You're right, m'lord. I'll contact the textbook publishers and have them amend all the chemisty books. "

[Obama] "Right on. Make sure they make all those corrections right away, 'cuz I hate looking stupid."

[Biden enters , wearing wetsuit and scuba gear. On his back is an industrial sprayer filled with Lysol.]

[Obama] "Speaking of looking stupid, what's up with that outfit, Joe?"

[Biden, voice muffled by scuba air regulator in his mouth] "My cah wouldn't staht thish mahning. So I had to wide the thubway with all dose infected people. I don't wanna take no chances." [Sprays mist of Lysol into the air around him]

[Obama] "Rahm, it is time to get control over this panic. Tell the Secret Service I'm going for a walk amongst the ordinary people. Right out there on the sidewalk with the plebes, cretins and assorted lowlifes. Without a mask. That'll give the plebes, cretins and lowlifes on the sidewalk confidence that this HBO1N1 thing is nothing to worry about."

Obama and Secret Service detail head down the strees. A mother and young child approach on the sidewalk.

[child] "Mommy! Look! It's the President!"

[Obama] "Hi there!" [bends over to shake kid's hand]

[child] "I saw you on TV the other day!"

[Obama, smiling] "Really? What did you think?"

[child] "My mommy says it is a sin to use swear words, so I better not tell you."

[Biden, still in scuba gear, blasts kid in face with spray of Lysol]

[child, shrieking in pain from burning eyes] "Mommy! Daddy was right! Those are bad men!"

[Obama] "Darn conservatives, always screwing up my photo-ops!" [Obama, on cellphone to Axelrod] "Hey Axe, find out if that kid that Biden just nailed has any unpaid tax liens, then send out a mass text-message to all the fools on our phone list and tell them to meet me on the 1800 block of Pennsylvania Avenue. I need to have them show up while MSNBC's cameras are running and congratulate me on my calm and effective handling of this flu thing. Ordinary people on the street aren't being very helpful. I need those losers to get out of bed and help me out."

Back at the bunker, far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore:

[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."

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