Rocket on trial

Shown in Yankee colors instead of Red Sox so Manhattan Infidel doesn't kill me

Brought up on charges for lying to Congress?  Are you for real?  ARE YOU FREAKIN' SERIOUS?  You will never encounter a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than the US Congress.  If I try hard enough, I can think of maybe 3 or 4 individuals in that entire body who aren't themselves deserving of long prison terms.  The rest of them are chronic lying bastages whom I loathe.  If they were dying of thirst, I'd deny them even the sweat from 'twixt my cheeks.  Yeah, those cheeks.

Now they've got their panties Depends in a bunch over a retired baseball player who may have juiced a dozen years ago, and whether he was honest in his testimony about it?  Really?  When was the last time any one of these sheetstains in Congress was honest about anything?  Congress lies to us, they lie to the press, and they lie to each other.  BS is their native language.  You'd think they'd be flattered that Mr. Clemens bothered to learn their local tongue.  But no, they want to charge him with garbage that could possibly lead to 30 YEARS IN PRISON. 

Y'all should be thankful that I don't have comic book superpowers, 'cuz I really want to drop a giant boulder on Congress right now.  Grrr.
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Disclaimer:  I am not a Clemens fan.  Neither am I a Roger hater.  It's just that he never played on any teams I give a crap about, so to me he's always just been a good pitcher.  No more, no less.

Announcing the BarryGate 3000!

Want to keep troublesome pResidents off your property?  You need the BarryGate 3000!  Allows handy entry and exit to non-idiots, while keeping pResidents at bay.  Works just as well on nice days, when the pResident carries his pretty pink parasol.  Shown above with optional Slouching Amazon.  All yours for only 3 easy payments of $19.99 + shipping.


INSTALLATION NOT INCLUDED.  NOT EFFECTIVE ON WINDY DAYS WHEN THE LIGHTWEIGHT LIGHTWORKER MAY BE LIFTED ALOFT BY A STIFF BREEZE.  SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE HEADACHES AND NAUSEA.  OFFER NOT VALID IN HAWAII OR DC. 

Welcome to my nightmare

In the not so distant future, a militaristic China will come to collect on our debt.  Many will accede to their demands.  The spineless powers-that-be in DC will acquiesce in order to maintain their positions of comfort, like the Vichy of days gone by.  Some will resist.  They will take up arms.  They will fail.  They will be imprisoned behind fences and razor-wire.  And their meager rations will consist solely of...

These. 








Man and child alike will curse his fate.  In the evening stills, each will say to himself "Had I only known it would be this bad, I would have fought harder.  I would never have let them take me alive!"  They will scheme up dramatic plans for escape, while knowing sadly that the heavy bloat in their gut would prevent them from ever accomplishing such a thing.

OK, ok.  I know.  A little heavy on the drama, there.  But those pancakes are awful.  Last night after church, we got home a little late and nobody felt like cooking a real meal.  I scanned the contents of the freezer and found a box of frozen pancakes.  "Cool!" I thought to myself, as I dig on breakfast foods at any hour of the day and I was in the mood for something mild.  I was surprised to find that my wife had bought them, as she makes a pretty darned good pancake the old-fashioned way.  So I plopped a few in the toaster... The brand name "Krusteaz" should have been a tip-off that something bad was about to happen.  When the name of a product I'm about to eat conjures mental images of me chipping indeterminate goo out of an old bathtub with a chisel, I should probably stop and consider the direction my life is headed in.  But no...  They looked pretty decent and smelled alright as they were toasting. 

Add some butter and some syrup and take a bite... What the??? It tasted like an undercooked biscuit between two layers of thin cardboard.  The outside was hard but the innards were still kind of doughy.  More butter...  OK, that softened up the "shell" but it still tastes like crap.  More syrup...  Now the darned things are delaminating, like how the paper layer comes off a piece of waterlogged sheetrock.  But being a lazy old turd, I wasn't about to cook something else.  So I kept eating.  These stupid things are only about the size of a CD - I toasted 4 and should have been able to down them all with ease, but after 2.5, I was feeling VERY full.  The remainder became doggie treats.  Then as I tried to sleep, with bulging belly, the HEARTBURN kicked in.  C'mon!  It's a friggin' pancake, not a jalapeño chili pizza with extra grease!  Unbelievable, miserable, largely sleepless night.


15 hours later and I still don't feel quite right.  While searching up an internet image of these abominations, I found that amazon.com has an online grocery store, and they'll even deliver to your door. Yikes.  They want $3.24 for a pack of these.  Is anyone that stupid?  That'd be like paying the neighborhood brat $3.24 to deliver a sack of flaming feline feces to your front porch.  Avoid these like they're toxic.  Because I'm pretty sure they are.

Inbox runneth over

Every once in a while I send an email to the Lars Larson Show.  About half the time he reads them on the air.  He did so with the one I sent today, and replied back with this little image:

Ouch! I think that's the harshest critique I've yet seen.

TIME Magazine laments negativity towards Muslims

Time magazine has an article up about a wave of anti-mooselimb activity (!!!) sweeping the nation. They manage to cite three (3) instances: the cabbie getting stabbied (by a lib, it appears); "vandals" tacking up two small handwritten cardboard signs on a mosque in California; and finally, this guy:

Last night, a drunk man barged into a Queens mosque and shouted anti-Muslim slurs at the congregation during the nightly Tarawee prayers. He then proceeded to urinate on the prayer rugs and gave congregants the finger. Two men managed to subdue him and call 911.

They offer no other details about the guy, which in itself is somewhat telling.  If the perp were a Republican, conservative, Tea Partier, veteran, etc, that would be the headline so I think it's a pretty good bet that he is none of those.  I do not condone his alleged doings.  Crass and tasteless.  Funny as heck, too.  So I mean "crass and tasteless" in only the most "Ha ha! More, please!" sense of the phrase.

And curiosity is killing me. I just gotta know what was going through rugpisser's mind - to walk right into a mosque and do something like that?  Dude, it's a friggin' MOSQUE, not a Pacifist Quaker Family Center!!  Furthermore, dude, how are you even able to walk at all, with cojones that are so grande?  Please, please let more details be forthcoming!

Separated at Birth?

Trait	Senator Murkowski	WWE Dork 'Edge'
-------------------
Helter-Skelter eyes?	Yup	Yup
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Pursed, narrow lips you just want to backhand?	Yup	Yup
-------------------
North of the border?	Yup, Alaska	Yup, Canada
-------------------
Exaggerated browline you could use to split firewood?	Yup	Yup
-------------------
Vindictive sore loser who takes everything way to personal?	Yup	Yup

Ever seen on the same stage at the same time? NOPE!

Do the math, people!

Blogger Spam feature

Blooger FINALLY turned on the new spam filter for my site.  Some of ya have had it for several days, but I just got it yesterday.  So I turned off the word verification, just to see if the spamgrabber would be enough.  BAM! just like that, an old post gets this funky comment:

In every tom's time, at some time, our inner pep goes out. It is then burst into enthusiasm by an contend with with another human being. We should all be glad quest of those people who rekindle the inner inspiration

I am very uplifted by this comment.  I have long been a fan of special-ed free verse and this pretty much makes my day.


UPDATE:  Sorry, word verification is back on.  So far, I'm not so impressed with the function of this new"feature"

Submitted without comment

Saturday Reruns

Another inbox goodie, forwarded by a friend from church who has a pretty cool little poem at the top of her blog right now.

Parallels

For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama,

Please read the following!!

I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and

Kennedy,but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and

Lincoln?

You might be surprised.

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used

The same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the

Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama

Had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his

Inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for

His inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a

Skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama

Is a skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was born in the United States .Obama is a skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a

Skinny lawyer

14. Lincoln saved the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

  15. C' MON ADMIT IT, I HAD YOU WORRIED THERE FOR A SECOND OR TWO!

In God We Trust!

Barry tough election cycle

[Pelosi] "Gahh!  What's that coming out of the water?"

[Rahm] "Oh no, it looks like some kind of Walking Radioactive Disaster!!!"

[Pelosi] "And, and, it's headed right for the midterms!"

[Rahm] "Not only that, it's headed right FOR US!!"

[Radioactive Disaster Barry] "Hey guys, what's up?"

Pelosi feverishly makes sign of the cross over her chest and clamps her eyes tightly closed.

[Pelosi] "Oh lawd, please make it go away!  I'll do anything, lawd, just make it disappear!  I even promise I won't bring any more abortion bills to the House floor!  Pleeeeeease!"

[WRD Obama] "Guys, relax.  Somebody must have put something in my sunscreen or something."

A curious veep Biden approaches

[Biden] "Who the heck are you?"

[WRD Obama] "Joe, knock it off.  Go find me a tub of Noxema or something that'll get this off of me."

[Biden] "You sound like the President, but you look like some kind of Walking Radioactive Disaster.  I've always been kind of a science geek.  Check this out."  [Pulls pocket-sized Geiger Counter from lapel pocket and aims it at the WRD.  The Geiger Counter starts clicking faster than an overcaffeinated Neil Peart doing a drumroll.]

[Pelosi, panicky] "What.  Does. That. Mean?  What. Does. That. Mean!?"

[Biden, calmly] "It means...  He's toxicly radioactive.  It's not safe to be around him.  In fact, we may have already received lethal doses of the Disastrous Radioactivity.  Best we head to the decontamination facility pronto!"

Arms flailing overhead, Biden runs away screaming.

[WRD Obama] "Whatever.  I don't have time for this.  I'm heading to the Capitol to give our team a little pep talk."

[Pelosi] "Noooooooooooo!"

[WRD Obama] "And then I think I'll commandeer some prime-time TV to talk about why the Ground Zero Mosque is such a good idea.  While I'm at it, I think I can dispel the myth that I'm still a mooselimb.  Once people know that I'm actually a Christlamic Humanist I think they'll simmer down."

[Rahm, urgently] "Sire, please, I beg thee - stay away from the TV for a while.  Go on a vacation.  Go to Martha's Vineyard.  Go to Vinny's Vineyard.  Anywhere.  Go the the Lion's Club booth at the county fair and boil some hotdogs for all I care.  Seriously.  Anywhere but on TV."

[WRD Obama] "You're all totally overreacting."

Joe Sestak, carrying his briefcase, walks by.

[WRD Obama] "Yo, Joe!  How's things up in Quakerland?  Needin' any campaign help?" [Grabs Joe's hand and gives it a good shake]

[Sestak] "Agh! My hand, it burns!" [whacks WRD Obama with briefcase] "D**n it!  I sure hope that nobody got me on camera with that WRD!"

The trio ambles towards Capitol Hill despite Rahm and Nan's pleadings.  Russ Feingold is sitting in the grass next to his solar-powered scooter which has stopped working.

[Feingold, reading the owner's manual for the scooter aloud to himself] "Hmmm.  Troubleshooting... Troubleshooting... Ah!  Page 38.  Lessee here...  'If the scooter suddenly stops working, it is likely that the toxic flume from a nearby Walking Radioactive Disaster has irradiated the solar panels and de-ionized the battery.  Return scooter to an authorized service center for repair.'  Weird."

[WRD Barry] "Hey, Russ!  I see that some nobody up there in Wisconsin is catching up to you in the polls.  I'll swing by later this month and do some campaign stumping for ya!"

[Feingold, aloud] "NO!" [to himself] "Dang it!  Where's an inflatable emergency chute when you really need one?!"  [Aloud] "Attention JetBlu passengers and Obama sycophants.  I hate all of you.  Screw you all.  I'm outta here!" [Opens imaginary door and slides on his butt down some wet grass to a sidewalk at the bottom of the slope and runs to his car]

[WRD Barry] "Um, Rahm, I'm starting to get the point.  I think I better just go lay low at Martha's Vineyard for a while."

Technology sucks!!!1!

Got a bunch of (supposedly) cool new gear in the shop.  But now the network is FUBAR, the laser won't talk to its PC, the sublimation printer puts down so much black ink that it bleeds and I'm trying not to cuss.  I have some ideas to post but they'll have to wait.

For now all I can do is remind you that Ringo is slightly less annoying than the other Beatles. 

innominatus '12

I've come up with a cunning plan to get the GOP nomination and beat barry in 2012.  It is a four step process, and it goes like this:

1.  Go back in time and beat Bloomberg for Mayor of NYC
2.  Erect a big rockstar type stage on the street near Ground Zero
3.  Give heartfelt and honest speech, telling the people HOW I REALLY FEEL - "OK, mohammedans, it may not be within my power to keep you from building.  But it is within my power to set up an ARMY of building inspectors at your project.  They will be all over you like a pitbull on a T-bone.  They will be citing every real and imagined defect and safety violation.  They will be handing out fines like a meth-ed up JW handing out Watchtower tracts.  Every truck delivering materials will have its maintenance record audited.  We will charge you for the police overtime it will take to resolve the many bomb threats you will soon start receiving.  By 9-11-11, your hoped-for grand opening, you will be lucky to have moved a thimbleful of dirt, let alone have the d*mn thing completed.  If you don't like it, go ahead and lawyer up.  Sue.  Sue like the wind!  Get barry and Holder to sic the DOJ on me!"  [bang fist on podium] "Bring. It. On.!"
4.  Fly to Iowa and start collecting delegates, who will be so in love with me that they won't even wait 'til 2012 to give me their votes.

Step 1 is clearly the tricky part.  Once I get past that minor hurdle, watch out!

PS - Pelosi wants to investigate where opponents of the GZM are getting their funding?  Funding?  Funding??  You mean the rest of you lowlife haters that oppose this mosque are getting paid, while I'm dumb enough to oppose it for free?  Dang, do I ever feel like the chump!

Mosque-Ow on the Hudson

Sorry about the bad movie pun.  I've been hesitant to chime in on this issue because I like to find news items I can have a little fun with, but there is nothing at all funny about the Ground Zero Mosque.  At least  now JammieWearingFool is reporting that the mooselimbs are feeling the heat and starting to reconsider.  So maybe there'll be a bright side to this story after all. 

pic linked from King Shamus

This problem has been simmering ever since the muzzies anounced their intention to build on the site of the old Burlington Coat Factory, shown above in red.  That building was actually damaged in the 9-11 attack and could rightfully be considered part of Ground Zero.  But no amount of fussing by us xenophobe redneck Zionist haters would deter these guys.  Mayor Bloomberg and the rest of the highly enlightened dismissed our complaints.  Then barry did what barry does - he stepped in this pile and started tracking it around on the White House carpet.  Suddenly this became a hot topic, and useful for conservatives to campaign on it.  Gee, all of a sudden the muzzies might want to backtrack?  Now?  How interesssting, the timing of all this!  Makes one wonder what's really going on.  Are the mooselimbs actually getting a clue?  Are the mooselimbs just showing the cowardice that typify a bully when confronted?  Is a certain pResident burning the phone lines between DC and NY, trying to get these guys to back off, and thereby getting that pResident's butt out of a sling?

I dunno.  But I'm increasingly confident this abomination will not be built.

Blogwar: V-P Day

ANOTHER UPDATE:  We're at or near a point in this nonsense where feelings are going to be hurt.  I'm done.  And my dog just pulled an entire (*@#$ crab off the counter and ate it shell and all.  I can't see how that passes through him safely.  I'm in no financial position to do anything drastic if there is a problem, and future daughter-in-law didn't bother to tell me until about it until 5 hours after-the-fact.  So I'm pretty well PO'd and not interested in continuing this.

UPDATE: Most blogs support gravatar images, and if you see something inane with my name on it but doesn't have a gravatar of Chance the Wondermutt running on the beach, you know it is phony.
_____________________________________________
Stuff that was below the fold deleted.  I'm done.

Blogwar: Prepare yourself to be underwhelmed

I've been hard at work refining the algorithm that my Compatibility Matrix^tm evaluates matches on, but I've been interrupted by a Declaration of Blogwar from Patti.  Evidently the default settings for my template had left the "Followers (65)" text the same color as the background, rendering it unreadable to those who don't know the secret of "invisible ink": putting text the same color as the background SO IT IS ONLY VISIBLE WHEN SELECTED WITH THE MOUSE.  That's like Blogging 101 level stuff.  It's what happens when ya let girls try to use the computer.  :)

So now she's over at her place crowing about having 66 followers on her blahg and pleading for people to "come out of the closet" and Follow her, all while questioning MY tastes in blogging.  How dare she!  So I've now changed the color of the "Followers" text so she can fully appreciate the fury she hath loosed on the blogosphere.  There will be much carnage!  Picture in your mind (since I don't post many pictures) two really uncoordinated obese kids trying to hit each other with underinflated water balloons.  Yeah, that kind of carnage... Not for the faint of heart.  So if you want to go over there and express your dislike for her tactics, feel free.  Be polite, though, 'cuz beating up on girls is kinda rude.  But whatevah you do, stay in the closet and don't Follow her!