Tuesday, April 28, 2009

We live in barry scary times, Part II

[Obama in White House lunchroom] [Sniff, sniff, nose in air] "I think I smell a republican" [sniffs sandwich] "No, it's not my sandwich. There's definitely a republican around here."

[Arlen Specter, wearing trenchcoat, fedora and sunglasses. Whispering]
"Pssst. Mr. President, do you have a second?"

[Obama, turning around] "Who goes there?"

[Specter] "It's me, Arlen"

[Obama] "I knew it! I could sense the foul stench of republicans in my midst! Begone!"

[Specter] "But I vote with the democrats a lot. Can I just have a second of your time?"

[Obama] "Keep it quick, and keep the disguise. I must not be seen with you."

[Specter] "I've been having a lot of second thoughts about being a republican. 'Specially in the last few weeks, as it is clear that in the next primary, Toomey would beat my cottage-cheesed butt right into the ground."

[Obama closes eyes and waves hand. The two are transported to another dimension.]

[Creepy hooded Obama] "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side!"

[Specter] "During the porkulus debate, I felt a strange disturbance in the Senate. It was as if 787 billion dollars cried out, then were silenced."

[Creepy hooded Obama] "Yes! You voted for cloture, ensuring my porkulus would pass into law."

[Specter] "It made me feel naughty. Curiously naughty. I liked it."

[Creepy hooded Obama] "Now change parties, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!"

[Specter] "What is thy bidding, my master?"

[Creepy hooded Obama] "YES! Bwaaahaaaahaaa! [Laughter echoes creepily. Obama waves hand, the two return to normal spacetime.]

[Obama] "Tell no one. I mean, uh, wait. Oh. Note the little 'o' in the word 'one' I just said. I should have said 'tell nobody' because I am The One, with a big 'O'. That could get confusing.

[Specter] "Understood, master. Heh. When my wife talks about the 'Big O' she means something totally different, but I'll straighten her out."
[Obama's big TV conference that's on almost every channel]

[Obama] "I had intended to use this time to address the American people regarding the ongoing economic challenges we face, and the continuing threat of man-caused disasters. Recent events have caused me to redirect the bulk of my message, but I will take a few minutes to quickly address those things.

First of all, my redistributionist policies and my desire to reward my cronies - these two crucial challenges facing my administration- have found a neat solution with the automaker bailouts. My buddies, the poor downtrodden UAW, now are in charge of GM. The government now holds a larger stake in GM than the original shareholders. People who bought GM corporate bonds hoping to help GM, will get paid about 10 cents on the dollar. We recognize that this could be damaging to some people's retirement savings. That's why there's a new page on change.gov, where you can download a free coupon. This coupon is redeemable for a free tube of 401KY Jelly, which makes losing your retirement savings much more comfortable.

[polite clapping from the audience]

Secondly, there are mischief makers who want to cause pain to our nation. Some use bombs, some use the media. The other day, I had Air Force One fly low through New York City so we could get an updated photo. Those vile chatterboxes in the MSM slander me, claiming that I caused some kind of scare. They proclaim that people fled their office towers in fear, that my actions reminded people of 9/11. I am here to tell you this is not the case. People were not fleeing in fear. They hear a low-flying jet and said to themselves 'hey, that might be Air Force One! Maybe President Obama is nearby!' They looked out the windows and saw that it indeed was Air Force One. Not willing that their officemates might miss out, they went so far as to pull fire alarms, so that everybody would know to run outside and seek a glimpse of my plane. Sadly, I was unable to actually be on board, but nobody at ground zero knew that at the time. They thought they might see me wave to them, or even catch a whiff of my hot jet exhaust. So we can excuse their exuberance. It was ME they thought they were seeing, after all. But it is flawed reporting like this that is causing big newspapers like the New York Times and cable channels like MSNBC to lose customers. If they would merely speak the truth about my greatness 24/7, they might not be having so many problems.

[audience applauds]

Speaking of man-caused disasters, this brings us to the big topic of the day. The Swine Flu. Thankfully, my religion prohibits consumption of pork. So I, your leader, am not at risk.

[loud applause]

But there are many Americans who like their bacon, and the swine flu is wreaking a terrible toll on them. To you, I say 'be comforted.' For our department of homeland security has learned that this is all a big conspiracy perpetrated by extremist right-wingers. Soon my Secret Police will be rounding these evildoers up and placing them in FEMA camps.

[loud applause]

Lastly, I have a big surprise for you...

[Obama gestures offstage, and Arlen Specter strides into the spotlight beside Obama] "Go ahead and tell the folks..."

[Specter] "I was first elected to the Senate during the Reagan Revolution. Ronald Reagan was a good man"

[boos, hisses]

[Specter] "But today's GOP has moved too far to the right. Reagan's Big Tent Republicanism has been replaced with rabid opposition to Obama's greatness."

[crowd bewildered]

[Specter] "They have moved so far to the right, they've fallen off the end of the spectrum. It's like when you're playing Asteroids on your Atari. The rock disappears off the right side of the screen and reappears on the left side."

[audience member, to the one seated next to him, quietly] "Atari? Geez this guy is old!"

[Specter] "They've gone so far to the right that they've wrapped back around to the middle. Today's GOP is run by savage right-wing mutants like Chuck Hagel and Lincoln Chafee and John McCain. I'll have no more of them. Today I announce that I am changing my party affiliation. I am now a democrat."

[audience cheers]

[Obama] "Now I have a filibuster-proof majority of everything. No One. I mean Nobody can stand in my way!! I am the king of the world!!


  1. Question: Would O know what 'begone' means?

  2. Nah. He'd probably say it in a bad Italian accent. Bay-GON-ay. But in my fictitious world, President Obeyme occasionally sounds like he has a clue. This is what differentiates my fiction from reality :)

  3. So dang funny. You will need to collect all of these and self-publish annually for the next 4 years, starting January 20, 2010!

    I'd like to pre-order!


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