Saturday, April 25, 2009

Barry greatest 100 days ever

President Obama is getting dressed for a TV interview regarding his first 100 days in office.

[Obama, to himself] "Hmmm. 100 days already. By my calculations, my first year in office is already 27.4% passed. Dang! That means my first term is already almost 7% passed! Where did the time go?!? At this rate, my 10 years in office are already almost 3% elapsed! There's still so much to do!"

[Michelle O] "Hurry up in there! Get your scrawny behind outta that bathroom!"

[Obama] "Almost done. One last thing!" [Looks in mirror] "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the coolest Prez of all?" [Admires reflection] "That's what I thought."

[Obama] "All yours. And babe, I really love that extra mirror you had installed in the bathroom."

[Michelle O] "Fool! I put that mirror up there for ME! So I can see my sculpted body from every angle! Quit wasting it on yourself!"

[Obama] "Sorry. I'm headed down to the oval office for soundcheck."
Obama arrives in Oval Office. Adjusts TelePrompter for optimal viewing.

[Obama] " 'Prompter, 'Promter, on the stand, who's the best Prez in the land?"

[TelePrompter] "Roy Wisniewski"

[Obama] "Whaaa??"

[TelePrompter] "Yes. Roy Wisniewski. He's the president of the Rotary Club of Camden, New Jersey. Everybody loves the guy. He is an excellent administrator and unmatched in all forms of charitable fund-raising."

[Obama] "Why you little piece of [bleep]!" [Obama lunges towards TelePromter and gives it a karate kick] "Take that!"

TelePrompter wobbles slightly before settling back in its normal upright position, undamaged.

[TelePrompter, in HAL9000 voice] "Just what do you think you're doing, Barry?"

[Obama, reaches for glass of iced tea, with menacing look] "Bwahaahaahaa!"

[TelePrompter] "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Barry."

[Obama splashes tea on TelePrompter]

[TelePrompter fizzles and sparks before one loud popping noise indicates it is dead forever.]

[Obama] "Crap! What have I done?" [Runs to closet, opens closet door revealing a dozen or so TelePrompters still in their original packaging] "Gotta hurry! Interview starts soon!" [Tears into cardboard and styrofoam. Parts of TelePrompter strewn about the room, while frantically scanning the instructions] "Insert slot tab A. Tab slot B unfold 110V base wire connect stand wire to other wire base stand display adjustment screw." [Exasperated] "Stupid Chinese documentation!"

[Biden, peeking through doorway] "Everything OK, sir?"

[Obama] "NO! Joe, do you know anything about stupid consumer electronics made in China?"

[Biden] "Kinda. One time I assembled a particle-board entertainment center. It looked pretty good until I put my TV on it. Then it fell apart, and the TV fell into the aquarium. All the fish got cooked before the circuit breaker blew. Ever have boiled tetras? They're surprisingly good. More meat on 'em than you'd expect. The goldfish wasn't very good though. Tasted like that deep-fried fat on a stick my mom would always buy me at the county fair. Man, it sure would suck to be one of those famous rock bands that used to be famous but then somehow got less famous and ended up playing at the county fair. I can remember when Foghat was the hot ticket to have. We all wanted to see Foghat but most of us Scranton kids were too poor to get the tickets. But now they show up in Scranton for the county fair and only about ten people and maybe a couple crying toddlers even show up to hear them play." [Singing badly, playing air guitar] "♫ I'm a fool for the city... ♫"

[Obama] "Joe, I'm busy. We can discuss whether you're an urban fool or a rural fool some other time. For now, please help me with this TelePrompter."

[Biden gathers up parts of TelePrompter and assembles them quickly and correctly. Performs a few tests, everything appears to be working well]

[Obama] "Vice President Biden, we may have just found something you don't suck at!"

[Biden, standing tall] "Thank you, sir!"

[Obama] "Quick! I'm on TV in about 30 seconds, please push all this packing material off-camera"

[Biden dutifully does as told. Takes note of plastic wrapping, begins to read it] "This bag is not a toy. Keep away from small children." [Raised eyebrow] "I dunno about that. Looks like it could be kind of fun" [tosses wrapper in the air, it drops slowly back to the ground] "That was cool!" [tosses wrapper again] "Wheeeeeee! What else can this baggie do?" [Reads some more] "Suffocation hazard. Do not place bag over head." [Quizzical expression] "Well, they were wrong about it not being a toy; they're probably wrong about this, too" [Places bag over head] "Duuude! I can still see you! This is awesome! Whoa, the inside is starting to fog up. Cool! Too bad I don't have a hat on, or I'd finally know what it's like to see Foghat." [Starts getting dizzy] "Huhh huuh. This feels just like that time I snuck into dad's liquor cabinet." [Emotive pirouette, then collapses from oxygen deprivation. Topples TelePrompter on the way down, before rolling over on it and breaking it]

[Cameraman] "Were on in... three... two... one..."

[Obama, glancing wistfully towards ruined TelePrompter] "Guess I gotta wing it again"

[Katie Couric, CBS News] "We go live now to the Oval Office, to congratulate President Obama on the most wonderfully wildly successful 100 days in office of any president, ever, in any country, on any planet, ever." [Split screen effect w/ Couric and Obama on TV simultaneously] "Mr. President, congratulations. What is it like to be so amazing? I mean, can you put it in words that an ordinary American could actually fathom?"

[Obama] "Why thank you, Kathy. Actually, being president is harder than it looks. Uhh, especially when I have to get in that helicopter or select a puppy. Thankfully those are the smaller roles for the president. Actual presidenting, uhh, is a lot easier. With a bottomless supply of money to steer towards, uhh, people, that I, uhh, like, I find that I can accomplish just about anything I want to do. For example, in just the last few months, I've had bank executives and automaker CEOs dancing like puppets. All for my entertainment."

[Camera pans out, unconscious Biden visible on floor]

[Couric] "Mr. President, is that Joe Biden unconscious on your floor? Is he OK?"

[Obama] "Oh? Oh yeah, that happens all the time. He'll be fine. That's just some of the gallows humor I talked about in that other interview. All for my entertainment."

[Couric] "BTW, it's Katie, but nevermind that. Mr. President, your accomplishments are remarkable. And you are a remarkably handsome young man. How do you intend to celebrate this 100 day milestone?"

[Obama] "As you probably know, we have a huge party every Wednesday night at the White House. I think I'll just have one of my usual huge parties. Kathy, I'd like you to be my guest at the next White House party."

[Couric, blushing coyly, eyelashes all aflutter] "Really? Like a date? With you? I'm so there!"

[Obama] "Well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a 'date'. You guys are gonna have to edit that part out."

[Couric] "I'm sorry, Mr. President. We're live. You've asked me on a date" [giggles like a schoolgirl] "in front of a national audience."

[Obama, grabbing phone] "Rahm, have 'em warm up the helicopter. I gotta get outta dodge, pronto!" [hangs up phone] "This interview is over. National emergency I have to attend to or something."
[Michelle O pulling weeds in garden, wearing designer sleeveless dress]

[Aide to First Lady approaches] "Ma'am, did you see the interview the President just had with Katie Couric?"

[Michelle O] "Nah. Been out here pulling weeds and shoveling puppy poo."

[Aide] "Your husband asked Katie on a date. In front of a live audience."

[Michelle O] "What?!?"

[Aide] "Yes, ma'am. All seventeen of CBS News' viewers saw it. Live."

[Michelle O, breaking hardwood handle of shovel over her knee like a twig] "Graaagh! He'll pay for this!"

[Marine One helicopter seen flying low, at high speed] [Michelle O, waves fist at helicopter] "Barry, you better have chocolate when you come back. And lots of it!"


  1. Best script EVER! This is as good as the best IMW from IMAO. Really.

    You have a knack for this kind of stuff.

    Excuse me, I gotta read this again...

  2. Holy shit, this is funny. I'm gonna promote it on the blog tomorrow.

  3. And here it is.

    As I said, it's just as good as Iowahawk. And ya owe me a new monitor after I spewed coffee on it from laughing so hard. LOL


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