Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Amerika barry barry good and then some

Part 1 (Smart people click here first and read them in order)
Part 2
Part 3

Nancy Pelosi stood before the crowd, the photographers' flashes catching Madame Speaker's eyelids in various stages of blinkage - a disturbing effect, amplified in a macabre way by the unnatural appearance of her face. Her skin was both saggy and stretched immeasurably taut at the same time, a paradox not yet explainable by anything in modern science.

"Good Afternoon. Before taking any questions, I'd like to take a moment to emphasize my support of contraception in all its forms. My colleagues in the House believe similarly, so our Economic Stimulus plan includes much spending on contraception. Children have become a nuisance. There should be many fewer of them. They are expensive and are draining the coffers of state governments across our nation. Many states - mostly the backwards ones towards the center of the country - are less approving of abortion than we enlightened eugenists I mean progressives. Hence the importance of providing them with subsidized contraception. We most stop these rubes from having offspring."

Madame Speaker, how do you reconcile your Catholic faith with these positions?"

"As speaker of the most honest, ethical and transparent Congress, evah, I'll be totally frank. I could care less about that. As a kid, we used to take on an Archie Bunker accent and joke about 'Da Catlick Church'. They are far too conservative in this area for my tastes, with all that sanctity of life business. I still claim to be Catholic only when it is politically advanatgeous for me to do so - like when I'm addressing a crowd of illegal aliens and seeking their votes and support. In short, I would rather parade with the frolicsome sodomites in my home district than attend a Mass."

"Madame Speaker, wouldn't it be better to grow the economy and get people employed in better jobs, so they could afford to raise their kids without state assistance?"

"Sir, you have never been to Kansas City, have you? Mile after mile of barefoot children milling aimlessly through the trailer parks. Experience has shown that no wage is high enough for these sorts of people to do the right thing. They can always seem to afford their meth and ammo and fatter tires for the backs of their TransAms, but contraception? Noooooooo, there's never enough money in their budgets for that! Therefore, we will provide it at taxpayer expense. Minimizing the numbers of children in flyover country is really that important. In the long run, we will save money on welfare, schools, healthcare costs, and of course there will be fewer conservatives in the next generation. It is win-win all the way around."


President Obama watched the news coverage of Pelosi's announcement. Confusion gave way to rage. Obama reached for the phone. After some delay, he spun it 180 degrees so that the ear and mouthpieces were properly oriented. "GIBBS! Have you been watching the news?"

Press secretary Robert Gibbs nearly soiled himself at the harshness of Obama's tone. "No, sire. I've been online, browsing my wikipedia entry."

"Pelosi's trying to screw up our stimulus package by inserting contraception spending into it. That is unnecessary and divisive and not to be tolerated when the nation is facing such a crisis. Get out there in front of the press and straighten this out! I'm too busy working on my memoirs to do it myself, so I'm Counting On You!"

"Oh, sire! Thank you for that confidence. I shall not let you down!"


[Crowd of reporters] "Where's President Obama? We want to hear him, not you!"

[Gibbs] "Our dear leader is working on his memoirs, but I have a message from him."

[One reporter to another] "Memoirs?! This is wonderful news!"

[Reporter responds] "Indeed! I've already pre-ordered 5 copies! I realllllllly hope he'll autograph one of them!"

[Gibbs] "Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi was announced a controversial program of spending billions on contraception as part of the economic stimulus. The Obama administration denounces this brand of divisive, partisan politics. The American people want change and voted for change, and the middle of a financial crisis is no time for stirring the pot of discord. Unity is the only option. Therefore, the centerpiece legislation, the one act that President Obama once said would be the very first thing he'd sign, the Freedom of Choice Act, must be passed. It would remove all state and local restrictions on abortion, even that pesky parental notification baloney! With this act we'll finally solve the pro-this and pro-that divisiveness that has gripped our nation since Roe v. Wade! There will be blanket abortion rights for every state in the union! What a marvelous example of bringing people together!

[Chanting] Yoo-nit-ee! Yoo-nit-ee! [Assembled reporters cheering]

"Further, this act is just the tip of the spear in our battle against the baby menace. President Obama has rescinded that awful Repulican Executive Order banning our international aid money being used to fund abortions overseas! Yes, finally, your patriotic tax contributions can now be applied in distant lands. As that evil BOOOOSH used to say of terrorists, "It is better to fight them over there than in our own back yard." We can now take the fight to our enemies, no matter where they are! This brings us to the reason Pelosi's contraception issue must be defeated... The abortion industry suffered greatly under the rule of BOOOSH The Younger. How can we provide stimulus to this beleaguered industry if all the babies are prevented from ever being conceived? Yoo-nit-ee! Yoo-nit-ee!"

[Average no-name reporter] "Wow! Can you believe that our dear leader has already solved the pro-choice/pro-life battle in just his first week in office?"

[Another no-name reporter] "He's amazing! Next thing you know he'll have Hamas and those smelly JOOOOOS living as loving, caring neighbors!"


President Obama glanced away from the memoir chapter open in his word processor and glimpsed the coverage of Gibb's press conference. "Exxxxxcellent."

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