Barry batty campaign strategy

Scene: Obama in meeting with his campaign staff.  Cabinet members, Czars, and anybody with a role in actual governance notably absent, though they can be seen through the windows  playing beer-croquet on the lawn. 

[Obama] "I don't see what's so bad about what I said the other day.  It's the truth."

[Axelrod, vexed] "Dammit!  That's exactly what's so bad!  Truth undermines everything we're trying to do.  Truth is toxic.  This is another Joe the Plumber moment and it could cripple us.  Remember: Never Tell the Truth.  K?"

[Obama] "But they really didn't build those things!  They didn't build the roads.  They didn't build the schools.  They didn't build the teachers.  They didn't build the fiber-optic networks that carry the cold air to their air conditioning.  They didn't do anything except win life's lottery."

[Plouffe] "We know all that.  But you can't say all that.  We, unlike most, are smart enough to know it takes a village to run a taco wagon, but we have to let the people think they're important and that they're accomplishing something."

[Obama] "But I'm just reiterating what Elizabeth Warren has been saying."

[Axelrod] "She can say stuff like that.  She's running for state-wide office in a very blue state.  She doesn't have to worry about cheesing off the independents.  You do. You just don't have enough Cherokee blood in you to make a line like that work."

[Obama] "Neither does Elizabeth Warren!"

[Messina, laughing] "Mon Dieu!  You just said something clever, without aid of a 'prompter!  Progress!"

[Axelrod] "Besides, can you imagine what Romney's campaign will do with a gaffe like that?" [reaches for remote, turns on TV]

[Romney, on TV] "According to the pResident, nobody is successful on their own.  He says that anybody who enjoys success does so on the backs of everybody else.  Alright, then what about the failures?  If every last person deserves a Happy Joy Participation Trophy when a business succeeds, is everybody also at fault when a business fails?  See the vacant storefront down the street, that used to be a nail salon?  Has America failed?  Has all of America, working together, been unable to run a nail salon?  Is that what we have sunk to under pResident Obama?  300 million Americans can't keep a nail salon up and running?  That right there tells us how awful barry's stewardship of the economy has been.  He needs to go back to Chicago and stay there."  [super-tight zoom-in on Romney's steely stare] "I'm Future President Mitt F'n Romney and I approve this message."

[Axelrod, clicking TV off] "See what I mean?"

[Obama] "Hey! It isn't my fault that some greedy bastard tried to open a nail salon.  He could have got a government job or volunteered at a non-profit or something.  But no... He gambled.  He lost.  I do NOT feel his pain."

[Messina] "Ummm, you do realize that the salon was probably owned by a femal..."

[Axelrod] "Don't bother, Jim.  He doesn't get it."

[Plouffe] "Yeah.  Let's shift gears.  Mr. President, you no doubt are aware of the popularity of the Batman movies.  Interestingly, the villain in this latest release is named 'Bane' and... [holds up leather bat-costume] "...this is your Bane-battling batcampaign batsuit!  The people will love it!"

[Obama] "Yeah, baby!  I'm gonna get to crush that evil capitalist entity!"

[Plouffe] "Actually, sir, the bad guy is 'Bane', not 'Bain'."

[Obama] "Yeah.  'Bain'."

[Axelrod] "Sir, 'Bain' and 'Bane' are homophones.  They're pronounced the same."

[Obama] "I thought the homophone was what the mayor of Gotham would use to bat-call me when he needs me to bat-save the city from capitalism."

[Messina, eyeroll] "Here's the deal.  Since you don't weigh no more than a buck-oh-five, the wings on the batsuit will create just enough lift that you can jump off the roof of the campaign bus, swoop down and land on your feet.  There'll be a guy in a costume.  He'll look like Bane from the movie, but also wearing a Romney mask.  We're counting on most Americans being so intensely dumb that they begin to mentally associate Bane the Movie Bad Guy with Bain and Romney."

[Obama, pensively] 'You know, I'm really starting to form a mental connection between Bane and Bain.  Almost like they're one-in-the-same."  [less pensively, more excitedly] "So then I get to swoop in and kick him in the face/neck/chest/breast/inseam areas?"

[Plouffe, facepalm] "Yep.  But we should rehearse.  Suit up!"

[Obama] "Whoohoo!"

VP Biden walks in, wearing a VERY ill-fitting Robin suit which appears to be made of old bowling league shirts held together with safety pins.

[Biden] "Hey guys!  I want in on this!"  [ties piece of rope to doorknob] "Look! If somebody'll hold my cape up, I can make it look like I'm scaling a vertical wall!" [squats down, pulls on rope]  "See?!" [door pops open, Joe falls over backwards] "D'oh!"

[Obama] "Not now, Joe!  This is one of the most important moments of my life!" [urgently, into telephone] "A terrorist dressed as a homeless Robin has made it past security.  He might be high on bath salts.  Arrest him immediately and lodge him at Gitmo."  [Burly men enter and drag the VP away]

[Obama] "Jim, thanks for leaving a gap in the mask I can smoke a cigarette through.  The mask goes over my upper lip, though, which may cause trouble with my choom bong.  And I'll need much bigger earholes.  Look into it, OK?  But in the meantime let's try it out."

Obama and crew go up the service stairs to the White House roof.  Obama inserts his arms into the batwings and jumps!  The wings immediately fold behind him and he lands in a disheveled heap on the grass.

[Plouffe, quietly, to Axelrod] "He has the pecs of a man that don't weigh no more than a buck-oh-five"

[Axelrod] "Yep."

[Obama] "¡Jaime! ¿Porque is there Bo stuff in the grass, right in my landing zone?"

[Jaime the Guatemalan illegal alien groundskeeper] "Sorry, Señor Presidente!"

[Messina] "It's OK, sir.  We'll use wires like they did in Peter Pan."

[Obama] "Alright.  Let's get back out there on the campaign trail and start killing Bain/Bane!"

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[Chris Matthews, MSNBC host] "Let's go live now, to the President's campaign appearance in Hope, Arkansas!"

Obama leaps from roof of CampaignBus1 and lands gracefully on his feet.  He slaps Bane/Bain in the face with a white glove and then begins to beat him up.

[Matthews, split screen] "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen this amazing President do.  It makes me want to jump up and throw a batarang.  In my pants!"

[Heckler #1] "Hey, barry!  I can see your wires!  Or are those puppet strings?"

[Heckler #2] "Yeah, are those supposed to be special effects or special ed?


[Obama, to hecklers] "Knock it off!  I killed Osama bin Laden!"

[Heckler #3] "No you didn't.  Somebody else made that happen.  Nobody has ever been successful by himself, right?"

[Obama] "buhh... umm... let me be clear..."

Romney's campaign bus honks in the distance, and the crowd waves approvingly.

**UPDATE:  Linked at the Amazing and Awesome IMAO and the ever Bobberific Bob's Blog

Harmonic Convergence of Awesome

You will need:

1.  Vacant lot that's practically a Superfund site
2.  Wal-Mart
3.   Ridiculously restrictive municipal zoning rules.

Mix these ingredients thoroughly.  Stir until vacuous hippie (Hey, BTW hippie, HEMP is NOT a Food Group!) Subaru-driving morons begin to boil.  Stand a safe distance away and enjoy the show.

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So far, I'm guessing you have no idea what this is about.  Lemme tell you:  It is about pure, uncut awesome straight from the bottle.  There's a vacant lot adjacent to a auto parts store I worked at back in the early '90s.  That lot has remained vacant for decades because the ground is so polluted.  Seems that back in the day, the power company used to creosote their utility poles on that site.  This was back when it was OK to make dirt flammable, so they were generous and sloppy with their creosote.  Then they moved away.  The land went to waste and people even dumped garbage on it.  It became one of the most ugly eyesores in all of Corvallis.

Here's how it looked a while back when the Google SpyCar drove by.

For a retailer, this location would be a very attractive place to put a store.  It is on the busiest street in town.  The lot is large enough to place a good-sized store on and yet have plenty of room for parking.  Many potential tenants/builders have looked at it and said "How in the world is this land still undeveloped?!?" only to notice that they've spontaneously grown webbed feet and fangs from exposure to the dirt. 

OK, that's part of the story.  Another part is that Corvallis flat-out won't allow a retail building larger than 55000ft².  For years, that rule has kept out every big-box type retailer that has tried to enter this market.  After years of wrangling, Home Depot was finally allowed to build one of their stores on industrial land, after successfully arguing that they sell industrial products.  Nobody else has ever been successful.  Walmart, for example, has wanted to put a store here for years.  But there's no buildable land.  And every time they sought a zoning change or variance on other pieces of land, the people would freak out.

And the alliance of "hippies + downtown mom'n'pop stores" liked it that way.  Mustn't allow any Evil Corporations into our blessed little town, nosirree!  Doesn't matter if most people WANT those kinds of stores and are willing to drive their SUVs (which run on 92 octane Gaia Blood) to neighboring towns just to save $1.88 on diapers.  No Big Box was the rule, and it looked like it would be that way forever.

Enter Walmart...

They said "Hey, you know that polluted patch of dirt that makes buried pets come back to zombie-life?  Yeah, we'll clean that up and put a store on it.  And it'll just be groceries and only 36k ft² to get past your stupid zoning laws.  How do you like me now?"

The soy-latte crowd is freaked out.  "There's gonna be a Walmart in our town!  Oh no!"  The city says Walmart has followed all the rules and they can't discriminate against anybody, no matter how loathed.  So the leftards are fighting amongst themselves in the Letters to the Editor section of the paper.  Some are "we can't discriminate because, we're like, against discrimination and stuff" while others are "It isn't discrimination if we're talking about Corporate Evil Incarnate. I don't care if they followed our own dumb rules!  They must be stopped!"

It is a joy to behold.  Personally, I'm looking forward to the news reports like "Commie McGreeniepants made a martyr of himself when he tried to burn down the Walmart and the very dirt beneath his feet erupted in flames and consumed him.  In lieu of flowers, please smoke a bowl in his memory"

we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground.

But we can put a Walmart on it!  Whooo!

From the local newspaper...

As seen today in the Gazette-Times:

Benton County
Sheriff’s Office
FRIDAY, JULY 6
Warning: 8:31 a.m., 3500 block of Scenic Drive. A deputy gave a resident a warning for allowing one of his chickens to cross the road. No motive for the crossing was provided.

(emphasis added)

There are some questions in life we'll just never get an answer to...

Seeking investors!!!!1!

Artwork for label design

The only thing a product needs to succeed in the market is the right balance of Supply and Demand.  Let's face it: America is becoming a nation of overweight widebottoms.  And most of us will be toiling long hours right up until the day we die, just to pay the taxes that'll be extracted from us to pay for our national debt and unfunded liabilities.  We're getting fat and we're gonna need a lot of energy.

So we've established demand.  What about supply?  Well, here in western Oregon, we're rarely lacking for water.  Neither are we lacking for meth.  Our genius government put Sudafed behind the counter, so local tweekers can't cook it up like they used to.  But that's OK - There's an endless number of illegal alien mexithugs sneaking over the border with drugs and the AK-47s we gave them. They haul the drugs right up the interstate we paved for them, and the Border Patrol can only snipe at them with beanbag rounds.  So supply won't be a problem.  Now we have to show ID to get a pill for our sniffles, but no ID required to vote.  Ain't America grand?

All that's left for this venture to really take off is start-up cash so I can buy that old Winnebago and turn it into a mobile bottling plant.  Also, I'll need distributors in other parts of the country.  Lemme know if you want to send cash, become a Licensed Distributor, or both.

OBLIGATORY LEGALESE: Any similarities to the bottled-water product "EartH₂O" is purely coincidental.

Serious question on flag etiquette

Hokay... The flag I fly in front of my house has caught a case of the funk.  The white isn't nearly as white as it ought to be, and the other colors are a little off, too.  Is it kosher to throw an American flag in the washing machine?  Is that disrespectful?  I hope it is cool 'cuz I ain't much in the mood to buy another one right now.

I've thought of some other possibilities, too. 

1.  Continue to fly the flag as-is
2.  Fly the flag upside down because the Preezy of the United Skeezy has me perpetually distressed.
3.  Retire the flag with dignity.
4.  Douse the flag in diesel, wrap an illegal alien in it like a giant tamale, scruff my feet on the carpet 'til I get a good static charge built up, and discharge the ignition spark by poking the illegal in the nose.

Apropos of nuttin', I have another thought.  Whoa...  That's like two in one day.  Anyway, the youngest granddaughter cries and moans incessantly, expects everything to be done for her, and is completely indiscriminate about her pooping habits.  Dear gawd, my grandkid is an Occupier!

Happy Birthday, America!

Happy Birthday, America!  Trying to be upbeat this 4th, instead of beat up.  Challenging endeavor.  What with the junk SCOTUS dumped on us in recent days.  Thanks to John Roberts & sCrew, an illegal alien can now wander about Arizona with impunity while claiming military honors he never received.  On the bright side, though, he is now compelled to buy health insurance.  So, there's that.

Keep in mind the following::

1.  Barrycare is now a tax.  If you say "not fair!" and refuse to comply, they sic the IRS on you.
2.  IRS will haul you into court.  If you say "not fair!" the judge won't care and he'll try to take your money.
3.  If you say "not fair!" and don't pay, you'll go to court again.
4.  Except this time, it'll be criminal court.  If you say "not fair!" and don't pay, you go to jail for tax evasion.
5.  While in jail, if you say "not fair!" and try to leave, a large man with a gun will put bullet holes in you.

Wait a sec... my timephone is ringing...  it's a Continental Soldier at Valley Forge.  All he said was "I lost my toes to frostbite for this?!?!"

...with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

How 'bout more divine Providence and more sacred Honor?  And maybe go a little lighter on the Hope and the Change, OK?

-----------------------------------------

"But wait!" sayeth the rubes.  "This mess will be repealed!"  So far, the best case we can see is that we hold the House and pick up enough Senate seats to have a slight majority.  Does anybody really see Boehner and McConnell unfurling the Great Banner of Repeal and sounding "charge!" on the bugle?  Yeah, me neither.

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OK, enough of that.  Time for a change of subject...  I am not yet used to having grandkids all day every day.  I am not a "kid" guy.  For that reason, I made VERY SURE never to have any of my own.  Yeah, I picked up some stepkids in marriage, but they were already middle-school age and older.  So this whole baby and toddler thing is new, and I'm still trying to develop a taste for it.  Without much success. I admit, though, that it is kind of endearing when the 2.5 year old comes home and yells "Papa!" and jumps into my lap.  However, her knees are equipped with the latest in lap-jumping GPS technology.  Groin Precision Strike, that is.  Don't think I'll ever acquire a taste for that.

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Some pointy heads claim they've found the Higgs Boson.  They say that the Higgs Boson creates a Higgs Field, which gives other particle mass.  The analogy they use is that subatomic particle moving through a Higgs Field is affected by the field like a macro- object would be affected by being dragged through molasses.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  But that's OK, 'cuz the entire study of quantum stuff seems like voodoo to me anyway.  As long as it makes the pointy heads happy, then hey, go with it, man!

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Having a 2.5 year old in the house means every surface of every object everywhere has on it an invisible glaze of sticky kid stuff.  This sticky kid stuff can be smelt and felt, but not seen or heard.  It was a scientific mystery that had to be unlocked, so I submitted a sample to the lab for a qualitative analysis.  The guy in the white coat told me that the sticky kid stuff is comprised of equal parts snot, apple juice, and Higgs Bosons that have been dragged through molasses.

-------------------------------------------

I deserve a Noble Prize for that, but the white lab coat guy will probably win it instead.  Bunghole.

-------------------------------------------

The 4 month old doesn't talk yet.  But she makes interesting noises between fits of crying.  One of the noises is a heh^hehheh_hehheh thing that is a dead ringer for the noise Beavis makes when he sees something on fire.  Dunno if I should be proud or terrified.

-------------------------------------------

I have two big slobbery dogs.  Roughhousing with the pooches gets slobber all over me.  Doesn't bother me at all.  Wife gets disgusted by it.  "Eh, it'll wash right off."  Baby spit, however is like kryptonite to me.  One tiny bit of it on me or my clothes, and I'm freaking out, looking for a moist towelette, running to the bathroom, screaming, prophesying Doom on All Mankind, etc, etc.   I don't know what is so gross about it, but, just wow.

-------------------------------------------

On this day in 1985, I was 16 years old and goofing off at the lake behind Savage Rapids Dam (which has since been removed by eco-do-gooders).  We were lighting off fireworks and having a good ol' time.   Many of the fireworks were of the "illegal in Oregon" variety.  One of them was like a bottle rocket but way bigger.  The rocket part was about the size of a bratwurst, and the stick was about as long as my arm.  After being lit, it tipped over at the last second and went more-or-less horizontal over the water.  Coming to rest in a patch of dead weeds and dried-out blackberries, it started a fire.  My granddaughter no doubt would have heh^hehheh_hehheh'd at the sight of it, but I went more "oh crap! oh crap! oh crap!"  Or, ahem, words to that effect.  Thankfully, it burned itself out after only a minute or so.  I could then get back to lighting off fireworks and looking forward to July 5th - because the bank that had approved my car loan would be OPEN and I'd be able to pick up the '69 Camaro SS I'd been saving up for.

--------------------------------

Unfortunately, I didn't know how to drive a 4-speed at the time, so my Dad had to drive the Camaro home for me.  Embarrassment of embarrassments.  Within 24 hours, though, I could drive it smoothly and do burnouts at will.

--------------------------------

Wait a sec... another call on the timephone...  Yep, it's that Continental Soldier again.  He said "Overpowered gas-hogging American musclecars doing burnouts?  That's worth losing toes over!"

Operation Slow and Furious

More guilty than Denver the Dog

Ladies and gentlemen of the media, thank you for coming to this press conference.  First of all, it needs to be understood that I have the mental faculties of an amphibian.  More specifically, a green tree toad.  This level of acute stupidiosity more than meets both the legal and medical thresholds of a Disability.  It further needs to be understood that I am an American with a disability, and fall under the protection of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  This act makes it a crime to discriminate against those with disabilities, and requires that reasonable accommodations  be made for those with disabilities.

Congressman Issa and Senator Cornyn have not complied with the ADA.  They have violated my civil rights.  In a most discriminant manner, they have demanded that I produce thousands and thousands of documents.  Neither have they allowed for the reasonable accommodation I need: Time.  It must be understood that a person - who lacks the smarts of a salamander born with fetal alcohol syndrome - can't possibly oversee such a vast network of agencies and operations and also produce all these documents instantaneously.  I need time.  More specifically, I need until Wednesday, November 7.

Additionally, Congressman Issa and Senator Cornyn used that tone when addressing me.  It is self-evident that any person who would be snotty to a retard is a hate-filled hater.  This alone is enough to warrant a Hate Crimes investigation.  But also, because I hate them.  I will be issuing a warrant for their arrest later today.

And finally, as a person with a disability, I ask for the reasonable accommodation of a wheelchair ramp so I can get the wheelbarrow full of documents up to the industrial shredder.  Thank you.

UPDATE:  IMAO links!  Thanks! and now at The Big Feed, too!

Just don't look behind it

MichelleO is coming to town in a few days to give the OSU Commencement Speech.  (TelePrompter?)  While she's here, a piece of artwork is going to be presented to her as a gift.  I just finished engraving a brass plate to go on the frame of said artwork.  Who knows... maybe some of my handiwork will end up in the White House.  More likely a mini-storage unit in Chicago, but, hey, ya never know.

And yes, in case you're wondering, I did stick a booger behind the brass plate.

Resistance is futile?

I am Granddaughter 4 of 4.  Resistance is futile.  Your life, as it has been, is over.
For the next 17 years or so you will service me.

The person who dives on the grenade doesn't really want to dive on the grenade, but knows that not doing so would be even worse.  A couple days ago, I dove on the grenade and joined the (unwilling, but duty-bound) ranks of Grandparents Raising Grandkids.  Their mom is in rehab, their dad is in jail, and their grandpa ain't copin' so well with it so far...  Hopefully the parents can get their **** together and things can go back to "normal" someday. 

Anyway, I expect that time/opportunity/desire to post here will be much curtailed.  Adjust your clicks accordingly.

El Posto Quicko del Inboxo

Here is finally the conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead:

Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago

 


Got this in the ol' gmail inbox this morning courtesy of aA - who at one time was my bestest commenter ever but has kinda fallen off the radar lately.  Hope all is well with ya, bro!

Why I'm not on Twitter

If I were on Twitter, I'd end up just posting a bunch of boring garbage that nobody would want to read.  What's the point of that? Wouldn't you rather I just condense it all into one glorious blogpost?  I know I would!

You complaints have been noted, and will be ignored in the order in which they were received...

--------

The Polish people have endured much suffering, being caught between the Hammer of the Red Army and the Anvil of Nazi Germany.  Then barry has to go rub salt in it by saying "Polish death camps" as though it was all some Pole's idea to go slaughter millions of people.  Alright, it's not like this mouthfart happened while on a golf outing.  It happened during a ceremony to honor Jan Karski, a genuine hero who, among other things, risked life and limb to spread the word of German atrocities happening in Poland.  Have I mentioned that I can't stand this earwig we have for a pResident?

-----------------

Turns out (Iranian-born) Valerie Jarrett is our "de facto" president, and the one behind a lot of this administration's backfires.  I suppose I should find it somewhat comforting that our pResident might not be the total chowderhead he appears to be, and that another is actually at fault.  But I, um, am not much comforted by any of these revelations.

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Sickness has descended on all the House of innominatus.  Were it not the peak of the Busy Season, I'd be penning this drivel from home, curled up in multiple blankets.  But it IS the peak of the Busy Season, so I'm penning this drivel from work.  Dedicated, is that one.  Dunno if I we should bring my our bugs to church tonight, though.  OK, maybe not so much.

-----------------

So the "plan" was brother-in-law would live with us for a while (end of the year-ish) and chip in on the household bills.  This "plan" was part of what prompted me to quit the early AM grunt job.  Yesterday I learned that BiL is moving out in a few days.  Hmmm.  To toil, or not to toil? That is the question!  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of groveling for my old job back, or to live like a pauper and perchance to, um, something-or-other.

---------------

Part of the "Busy Season" involves a TON of award engraving for stuff like "Graduate Anthropolgy Student of the Year" kind of junk.  I take a bit of comfort in knowing that, however bad my situation may be, at least I am not a Graduate Anthropology Student.

Barry choomy road trip

I tried 'shopping barry's face on him, but it looked stupid.
I tried putting Plouffe's face on another guy, but nobody knows what he looks like.
I tried putting Axelrod's face on last guy but he looked like David Crosby
and ellif I'm gonna taint my blog with a picture of that stinky hippie.
So, like I always say, use your imagination.

[Obama] "Heh heh.  Choom Gang, form up!  Time for a road trip!"

[Plouffe] "Heh heh.  Cool, man.  Where we going?"

[Obama] "To the heh heh, Land of Re-erection!"

[Axelrod] "Heh, whaaa?"

[Obama, squinting at teleprompter] "Oh.  Heh hee 'Re-election'.  Heh stupid 'prompter, heh."

[Plouffe] "Heh heh.  I've been runnin' the numbers, man, and that's gonna be a long trip, man."

[Obama] "S'cool.  I got a lotta choom, man.  Heh heh."

[Axelrod] "Heh, man, we're gonna get hungry, man.  Let's make some choom brownies to satisfy our road trip munchies."

[Plouffe] "But heh, man, choom brownies just make us even hungrier, man!"

[Axelrod] "Heh that just means we're gonna need a lot more choom brownies!"

[Obama, Axelrod, Plouffe] " HEH HEH HEH HEH!!"

[Obama] "Axe, you're drivin'.  Heh."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  It's your van, man, why I gotta always drive?"

[Obama] "The van is a stickshift.  You know I heh ain't man enough to handle heh that."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  OK."

A teenage girl in an old Corolla drives by, the "5 Speed" logo on the trunklid clearly visible.

The Choom Gang gets in the van.  Obama dons his bike helmet.  [Obama] "¡obamanos! "  The van sputters to life and Gang begins their journey.

[Obama] "Heh.  This reminds me of back in heh Indonesia, man.  My buddie had a VW bug that was heh painted up in 'Herbie the Love Bug' colors, heh."

[Plouffe] "Awesome, man.  Heh. Love is awesome. Heh."

[Obama] "Yeah, we'd take a dog with us and go road trippin', heh.  The smoke of the herb would like, heh, totally fill the car.  Man, that smoke would get in, on, and all over everything, heh, 'cuz VW's are like, watertight, man."

[Plouffe] "Whoa. Dude.  Heh."

[Obama] "Then we'd pull over and roast the dog over a bonfire.  We called him Herby the Yum Pug."

Plouffe laughs so hard that water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

[Axelrod] "Man, I wonder what Labrador tastes like.  Heh."

Plouffe again laughs so hard water water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

[Plouffe] "But, heh, I thought dogs were haram in mooselimb countries."

[Obama] "So is heh buggerin' little boys.  But that never slows heh anybody down.  Ya gotta heh understand, that the whole 'haram' thing is heh mostly a construction whereby mooselimbs make themselves out to be all heh holy and heh superior.  Smoking cigarettes is also haram.  But, heh, tell ya what.  You go to Saudi Arabia.  You separate out all the people that chain-smoke Camels from those that don't, heh, and I'll give ya a buck for each non-smoker you can heh find."

[Plouffe] "Heh.  Sounds like a whole lotta work just to get $3."

[Obama] "Heh.  Exactly."

[Axelrod] "Heh.  Camel smoker.  Maybe we should invite the camels to be in our Choom Gang. Heh."

Plouffe again laughs so hard water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.  The Choom Gang continues their journey.

[Axelrod, looking up the road] "Heh, man, there's some kind of ruckus up in front of us."

[Obama] "Heh.  Can you describe the ruckus?"

[Axelrod] "Heh.  Looks like some kind of campaign event."

[Obama] "Heh.  I love heh campaign events heh.  Pull over, man."

The Choom Gang de-vans awkwardly, resulting in a pile of human debris that takes a few seconds to regain its feet.

[Romney, addressing crowd from atop campaign stage] "The President's policies are not working.  In fact, the President is a stuttering clusterhump of miserable failure."

Obama, infuriated, scrambles up on stage and snatches the mic from Romney's hands.

[Obama, inches way from Romney, staring eye-to-eye] "I have only heh one heh thing to say to you. *****!!"



****UPDATE:
Linked at IMAO.  Thanks, Harvey!

EBABKD

I started a post yesterday about the lazy Greek gods on Mt. Olympus going looking for a handout from the hardworking Norse gods of Valhalla.  Seemed like a good premise, but I couldn't wring much funny out of it.  Digital roundfile....

Instead, I'll add my voice to those covering Brett Kimberlin.  I can't wait to see the look on his face when I slue the turret and he's looking right down the barrel of a blog that gets about 30 hits a day!  Anyway, Brett Kimberlin was convicted of the Speedway Bombings many years ago.  Today he is embraced by the far left, à la Bill Ayers.  He claims expertise in election integrity and is an advocate for old-fashioned paper ballots.  I guess prison must get pretty boring if there is nothing better to do there than ponder paper ballots.

While in prison, he also picked up some legal skills - which he uses against those who shine light on his criminal past.  Patterico, Aaron Worthing, Jeff @PW, RS McCain and a fair number of others have received harrassments and worse from Kimberlin and Kimberlin's associates.  Keep in mind, Kimberlin is not just an anonymous blog troller screaming "racism!" in the comments section.  He was convicted of setting bombs that blew people up.

It was suggested by Lee Stranahan that today be Everybody Blog About Brett Kimberlin Day**.  Many influential blogs and media outlets have jumped in. Besides those mentioned above, some that I'm aware of are Michelle Malkin, Ace, Glenn Beck's radio show and Blaze website and probably an uncountable number of little guys like me.

Truth will not be stifled!

**attempting to reach Lee's site is getting me a Bandwidth Exceeded Error.  So either he's under some kind of DoS attack or his efforts are going SO WELL that supportive people are flooding his site.  Have to wait and see which is the case...

Value of self

While the engraving machine was chewing up a piece of brass, I was traipsing around the blogosphere and hit this Protein Wisdom link to a bit of investigation done by Doug Ross.  Gist of the story:  Ross dug around in web archives, looking for changes in Obama's "literary bio" - the junk that goes inside or on the back of a book jacket...

Turns out those bios were edited several times, marking such things as barry's ascension through State Senator, US Senator, etc...    The "born in Kenya..." parts remained after each edit, right up until 2 weeks before barry declared his intentions to run for the presidency - at which time it just went away and became "born in Hawaii..."

Alright, I'm a Birther Agnostic.  Evidence for/against Hawaii/Kenya is unconvincing to me.  I'm pretty much past caring about it.  Just seems like that dog won't hunt, and I don't think there will ever be a satisfying explanation.  And even if there were, I doubt it could become something actionable, or something that would sway much of the electorate.  So I don't sweat it.

But the dishonesty at work here really chafes me.  I, being human, am far from perfect.  I have lied.  I remember a time in 2nd grade (about 1977) when I was misbehaving on the playground and started a bit of a ruckus.  When confronted by the teacher on duty, I blamed it all on this bully kid I didn't like.  For once in his bullying life, the bully wasn't involved.  But because of his rep, (and mine) the teacher had no problem believing me.  He got in trouble and I skated.  Guess what?  That still bugs me.  I can't claim that's the only lie of told.  If only.  But I really, really, avoid lying.

(Parenthetic:  Aaron Schrempf, if you somehow happen upon this blog post, I'm sorry for making you look like a d-bag back in 1977.)

The LAST thing I can see myself lying about is just that: my self.  There are all manner of things that each of us holds dear.  Self is important to me.  Not in the "I gotta be at the front of the line!!1!" sense, but more in a "who I am and what I'm going to someday become is important to me" sense.  I generally don't give half a bleep about people think of me.  I care what I think about me - which influences dictates my treatment of others, particularly those I love.  Hence I can't even begin to understand how a person like barry could so cavalierly misrepresent the self.  To assert a false self implies that the genuine self is lacking.  I would consider that the ultimate betrayal, made worse because it was done by me, against me.  It would be a thousand times more preferable to shape and adjust my life until I WAS what I wanted to be, than to shrug off that effort and just claim it, while knowing otherwise.

It is further boggling that such a man could end up in the nation's highest office.  It would eat at me continually if I attained so much only by BSing people about who I really am.  If barry has so little respect for something as important as the self, how can he be expected to respect anything external?  Like Rights.  Institutions.  Laws.  This flaw of his is much more important than what patch of dirt Stanley birthed him on.

Stupidity of "Drill here! Drill Now!"

As part of my long-term plans for American prosperity, I denounce, in the strongest possible terms, this "Drill Here! Drill Now!" nonsense.  We must instead purchase oil from others.  Specifically, we must buy as much oil from psycho muzzies and oppressive dictators as we possibly can.

"But innominatus, this is completely counterintuitive!" you are no doubt thinking.  Allow me to explain...

There is debate whether there is a finite amount of oil in the ground, or whether oil is continuing to slowly form as part of some not-yet understood process.  Either way, the bad guys are sucking oil out of their dirt at a frightful pace.  This is good.  Because it means they will run out.

Then we can say to Sheik Abdul or whoever "Hey, dude, you're out of oil.  We bought all your oil and burned it in our SUVs and hotrods, and all you have to show for it is a big pile of our useless currency.  We will now begin using OUR oil, of which we have more than we know what to do with.  And we're not in the mood for sharing.  Ha!"

Then some guy in Russia will say he has no fuel to put in his Trabant and some Nigerian will cry that his Citroën has no petrol that and the only way that Sheik's Ferrari goes anywhere is when it is towed by a camel, we'll reply "Sorry, guys.  We have so much oil we use it to put out fires even though it is flammable but that's OK because we still have so much more oil.  But we are not, repeat, NOT going to interrupt the finals of the Bikini Crude Oil Wrestling League playoffs because you were dumb enough to sell us all your oil.  How do you like me now?"

Then we'll sell 'em a Volt and some solar panels to charge it and this green energy crap might finally turn profitable...